Exposure During Escape

EXPOSURE ESCAPE

Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

How No Contact Feels – Part Three

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

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38 thoughts on “Exposure During Escape”

  1. Welcome back..HG .
    I lost my little dog today which I got to help me get over the narc he was hit by a car .Im so sad ..I exposed my narc afer what he did.I had a cancer scare and had to have biopsy’s done and surgey. I was so worried and scared as it was 50 50 for cancer. The ex narc never even asked about my results and said he had no idea and forgot I had surgery at all. The week before I got results was claming his undying love and would go with me..what a wakeup call i got that day he came out with him saying he didnt remember me having surgery…wtf. I never spoke to him again and told anyone i met what a shit he was. Small justice for a horrible disgusting man.

    1. Blondie, my heart to you. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your companion. Much love ❤️

        1. Blondie I have gone through all the exact things you described in your previous comment. The loss of your dog is extremely painful, I’ve been in that situation several times and it never gets easier. The cancer scare is also horrendous but fortunately, it was just that, a false alarm. Please, keep strong. And when you are ready, you may want to get another pet, I know it’s hard to think about it but it helps you move on and recover some happiness. 😘

  2. HG Firstly I’m curious what is HG stand for ?
    And Why do greater and mid/upper narcissists comeback They have a massive fuel supply and people lining up waiting to be part of their fuel system I don’t get why they come back especially if we have escaped And wounded them Through criticism or exposure when they have so many people almost begging to give them fuel ?

    1. 1. His Greatness.
      2. We return for a variety of reasons – ownership, punishment, the achievement of the Prime Aims, entertainment.

          1. …and the Healing Granter, the Haunting Ghost, the Hunter Gatherer…

  3. I have missed your daily blogs, welcome back. They are like a beacon of hope in a dark world.

      1. That had to be different for you to read HG, you as the beacon of light? I liked it. 😊

          1. Hello HG, I got it now… I wrote you an email about co-parenting with my narcissistic parents and asked for help, I would aprreciate when you would help me still. But reading this article I think I should keep contacting my elder adult son and pretending to contact my parents too for the sake of the wellbeing of my son living with my parents. I escaped three years ago and I would love to follow your rule: no contact ! But I still got to care for my son. They live in a little village and practised victim blaming for so long. So I think I should just do the best I can to reduce contact with my parents and increase contact with my elder son. Thank you so much, HG for your precious work

          1. Yes I’m sure there are, but you are not one of them!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣😘

  4. There is a subtle “revenge” in just prefacing a facade of bewilderment with professionals in regard to my ex. Not an overly exuberant display of knowledge—an innocent suggestion or hint of his behaviors so that when they see the description in action they are rolling their eyes as the puzzle comes together as described. The key is to not seem diagnostic—just a subtle “exasperated” and almost confused exertion of a few key descriptors of “diagnostic” type behavior without illustrating it is propelled by research/education. Planting seeds—not trees in the minds of people he interacts with. It’s a delicious feeling. Thank you HG. It’s an awesome and harmless revenge and the exposure is indeed calculated but peppered with class and maintains my dignity and credibility.

      1. I’m glad you like it—I especially love the innocent bewildered demeanor I employ when I whisper how he walks around donning nipple jewelry and I’m just so baffled.. Like I just don’t understand.. It compels the recipient to look at him with their own views of the behavior and it was not tainted by me per se—as my bewildered state is that of “genuine” hurt. It is incredibly satisfying because he has enough of a facade professionally that he certainly isn’t going to remove his nice crisp dress attire in the office. The fact that my kids told me he does this is appalling. He deserves to be regarded as an intellectually inferior moron—his swagger is that of a nipple adorned premature ejaculator. He can fuck off.

      1. I almost told a women who was rude to me today that she had no business wearing skirts. Would that have made me a narcissist? I was absolutely furious. Blood pressure elevating angry. I am also correct. No business. Pants only.

        1. Claire I would suspect that you were probably already annoyed by something or someone, and when she was rude to you had reached your boiling point. Does that make you a narcissist not that I would think, could it be one of your narcissistic traits coming to the forefront? Absolutely! Or perhaps your ET was very high for some reason?🤔 deep breaths my dear! Or perhaps you would like to hit my heavy bag for a few minutes? It works wonders! 🥊🙃

          1. Very high thinking today.. My phone has great reception in the woods though. Nature abounds at this moment. Who knew? This kicks the crap out of two bottles of wine a day!

          2. Ha ha! I knew! I am so happy you are finding being out in nature so rewarding my friend. Now Claire, put the Damn phone away!!! 😘

  5. I let the Narc ex do my work for me in a way. I exposed him during an IGH attempt by having him arrested for assault..He was found guilty and charged. I had a no contact order in place for the month before his trial which he obviously tried to breach once by text. I didn’t respond and still haven’t and ,that was 4 months ago. He has not disrupted my life in the slightest as I refuse to let him…His smear attempts came to nothing as his coven accompanied him to court so knew exactly what he pleaded guilty to and funnily enough I never see them with him now either. they will have been the ones to feel his wrath not me.They probably brought him soup and sympathy just like the new panic buy IPPS …I have avoided any hoover attempt since, despite seeing him and his new squeeze on a regular basis. I’m just letting karma do the rest. Anyone can see how much he despises his new controlling IPPS and he looks miserable and old. He has started to hover around me again because he can see that i’m much happier and I’ve moved on but I know he won’t risk approaching me as that would be viewed as an apology in his eyes. .He is currently serving a 12 month community order for assault with beating and criminal damage and is receiving therapy as part of his probation as a result..He is blocked on all platforms.

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