The Constant Farmer
Farmers are hard workers. They and us share similarities. We plough a singular furrow through life, unwavering and determined. Their lives are full yet they never really have time or opportunity to connect fully with other people because they have so many demands. They till the field and broadcast the seed, tending to the various crops as they watch and wait allowing the barley or corn, the potatoes or beet to grow to the optimum position before moving quickly to harvest them whilst the sun shines and they can garner the very best from their endeavours. Once a particular harvest has been safely gathered in, they once would burn the stubble and what had been built up was now cut down and razed to the ground so that it returned to the earth. Animals need to be fed, mucked out, treated for disease and tended to when they give birth to new offspring. Buildings must be maintained, fences repaired, the weather watched and produce sold. Cows have to be milked, sheep shorn and pigs sold to bring home the bacon. Lambing time is a repeated battle to ensure the lambs are safely delivered with the farmer rising through the night to assist a particular ewe who may be struggling with her birth. Having helped bring forth the lamb, from the ewe being tupped, to giving birth, the lamb is then sent for slaughter. Again, that which he has built must be destroyed. It is a repeated and endless cycle, much like that which we adopt.
It is the tenth day of a silent treatment. I have removed all contact with you and left you concerned, anxious and bewildered. It is the fourth silent treatment in as many months and each one becomes longer than the one before. You have yet to work and understand what this signifies and fortunately for me you are engaged in trying to work out what is wrong and trying still to contact me. Your repeated messages and telephone calls all provide me with the negative fuel as I envisage you sat there, worried and unsettled as you tap in another text message pleading with me to get in contact with you. I picture you lying awake at night, repeatedly glancing at your ‘phone in the hope that it will light up with a response from me. You wonder what I am doing during this absence and because of who you are, your thoughts are based on concern. Have I fallen ill or something worse? Have I suffered some bad news and become depressed? Have I become a recluse? Your enquiries of my friends have proven fruitless but then they would since my coterie and Lieutenants have all been briefed that you have been horrible to me and therefore they should not respond in any helpful fashion. You hit a brick wall of resistance which puzzles you all the more. The rolled-eyes as a lieutenant shakes his head and hurries away from you as you halt your approach with confusion gripping you. You wonder whether I am locked away somewhere, engulfed in grief. In fact, I am busy hoovering your predecessor who I had just subjected to a lengthy silent period. My time away from you is not spent playing video games, watching cable television or sleeping. Not at all. Just like the farmer, I am busy tending to my crops. I am contacting all my various secondary sources of fuel, giving them a blast of golden sunshine so that their attraction to me does not wane. A few drinks with one set of inner circle friends, some flirtatious text messages with some remotes strangers and drinks with an outer circle friend who is a serious candidate for promotion to an intimate partner if I should tire completely of you and your predecessor. I am sowing the seeds, repairing the fences, milking the cows and shearing the sheep. So much to do. I am also applying my endeavours to the hoover on your predecessor and this is occupying my time as I apologise to her for my period of silence. I explain that I needed to be alone, to assess where my life was leading me and I am sorry I disappeared without saying anything but it just descended on me. I realised I had to change but I wanted to make sure that this was a real, deep-seated desire, not some butterfly like passing fancy and that was why I was gone for so long. I have trotted out the speech before and it is invariably successful and I see no reason why it will not be now. This will result in your silent treatment continuing beyond the tenth day as I take your predecessor back into the fold. I will hopefully be spending the night with her tonight as she has already agreed to dinner, although I will be taking her somewhere you will not find us. I do not want you knowing about her, not yet anyway. I need to safely gather this harvest in before I can boast about how many bushels I have collected. Once she has been hoovered back in I will announce our reconciliation. You will probably learn about it when you look again at my Facebook page for signs of activity. I know you are doing this activity every day, that is why I have not blocked you but there is nothing being posted, so the silence continues. It won’t for much longer and you will learn about her and I being together again, which will of course prompt a large dose of negative fuel from you once you learn of this.
Of course at some point it will be necessary to sow the seeds of seduction with you once again. You are on the cusp of having the flame applied to what remains of your relationship as I erase you, just as fire did to those cropped crops in the past. I will too busy showing off my prize animal, grooming it and feeding it, so it grows strong and plump, the envy of all those who are observing. How does he do it? What is his secret? How does he always manage to find such a prize specimen and make it his? The awards and accolades will pile up, testimony to the excellent stock that I have acquired until it is such time to lead her to the slaughter and cast her to one side, just as I have been nurturing the growth of your crop once again, watering you and allowing hot, golden sunshine to play on you once again.
This is how it is. You may think this silence is one where I am just away from you either ill, isolated or in contemplation. I am not. I am busy with your predecessor, just like the farmer who always has something to attend to. The days roll by, the seasons come and go, but both the farmer and I have work to attend to as we grow and harvest. We are so similar. We both have crops and flocks. We both grow, nurture and develop. We both slaughter. We both harvest. We are the constant farmers.
27 thoughts on “The Constant Farmer”
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I am sorry to have to ask, but how do you stick it in so many different people. This above all was what enabled me not to let myself be hoovered. It disgusts me that I don’t know where it has been, and it has been so many places. Ew. How do you do it? He has been with over 50, and 6 of them since we married and divorced, and all of them in the 14 years he has been sexually active. I LOVED his you-know-what, but I don’t want it near me anymore. It disgusts me. How do you do it?
All is as the fuel requires it to be.
Maybe it is like bulimia, in that it is a binge/purge addiction in your kind. People who develop bulimia almost always had some massive boundary intrusion in their helpless childhood, on a level of molestation, though it doesn’t have to be that. So they have no boundaries for themselves and eat to excess and purge despite what it is doing to their bodies. Sexual promiscuity is to the soul what bulimia is to the body. Make sense?
Caron isn’t sexual promiscuity to a narc simply for the fuel? In my case being molested constantly as a child left me very promiscuous, I was thinking that perhaps a narcissist hones in on that knowing it will give him the fuel he desires? Not necessarily that he wants sex. I remember something HG wrote about sex and if there was something else that could be used to gain fuel the way that sex does he would use it.
I suppose it is fuel to a narc, but that doesn’t make it any less disgusting to screw anyone and everyone. That doesn’t make it any less damaging to the soul. Your promiscuity was born of extreme boundary violation, probably sustained, and when you were powerless. I think it is similar for some narcissists. HG has graciously let us know that he suffered massive and sustained boundary violations in the form of psychological warfare when he was a powerless child, hence his NPD. There is so much going on there, and I know everyone thinks it can’t be healed, but I know differently.
When you stopped being promiscuous, was it a choice or did you heal or both? Were you not quite narcissistic while acting out your pain?
We all want to eat too many cookies or skip the gym or leave the house messy or play hookie from work. We all want revenge on those who hurt us or offended us. We all have base desires and we all have to be taught right from wrong and we are all tempted to do wrong sometimes. We develop self control, hopefully, and that allows us to choose one path over another even if it is the harder path. We do right even when we don’t want to, when we would rather do wrong. Self control.
None of us here have the intelligence and self control that HG does. He can choose differently. Hopefully he is now, with his latest flame. Hopefully he will let her do her empathic work and help him to heal. Such an amazing intellect would be far better used doing anything other than manipulating and harming the weak.
I told my narc I am done because there is not enough room in his kingdom for me. I wished him love and happiness.
So funny he said I DO NOT HAVE A KINGDOM!!
Then he began to tell me that he must have MUTUAL RESPECT in a relationship and I can NEVER EVER give him the RESPECT he deserves.
Then he stated that I think I am SUPERIOR to him and that my friends laugh behind my back.
All I could picture was him looking into a huge MIRROR when he wrote this to me.😂😂😂😂
So much of what he is saying are the things HG said the upper mid range to the greater narc would do..
Of course he said he will always love and respect me, but wants to live life happy and in peace.
Meaning he wants to do whatever the hell he wants to do without question or responsibility to someone.
Next day he text and said Sweetheart have a great day. Xoxoxo. REALLY??? Give me a break!!! He is out of the country and he calls me to ask a question & in the background I hear men and women’s voices like in a crowded bar or restaurant. He went to go see and take care of his dying father so he won’t be having any fun. Of course he was drunk and he wanted me to know he was having fun and women were around. ONLY ONE PROBLEM, he doesn’t realize I DON’T CARE if he screws all the women he is around because he will NEVER touch me again. It just now makes me laugh because he doesn’t know I don’t care what he does anymore and it makes me feel freer than ever!!!!!!!! Every time he says no more, he is the one that calls back. When I have spoken to him, I speak in a monotone voice and say VERY little. I make no attempt to contact him . The excitement I used to have when I heard his voice is so dead now, it actually just bores me. Hard to give any kind of fuel that way. I don’t give any kind of hatred to him. I just give him only indifference and more indifference and lastly indifference.
I love the taste of delayed anticipation.
Well this farm “tool” has escaped the shed. ET is back and forth but the sunshine of Logical thinking is peeking thru the clouds.
This article really hit home.
Thanks HG for every thing.
You are welcome.
Is HG still around and still posting fresh content? Or just recycled articles? Not that I mind since I just found this blog not too long ago. Just curious.
Yes he is.
It always makes me smile when you speak about yourself in third person 🙂
Suprisingly conscientious. I’ve always deemed you kind to have more of a nomadic approach to life.
“I picture you lying awake at night, repeatedly glancing at your ‘phone in the hope that it will light up with a response from me.”
Yep.
He does not even TRY anymore with some of the insipid excuses he gives for disappearing too. 96% of the time it is some variation of his UTTER exhaustion!
“I am tired”
“I am sleepy”
“I just took some Nyquil to fall asleep so if I pass out don’t take it personal”
(insert long yawn here) “I am one tired hombre”
The other 4% of the time it’s either his kids being sick or him being afflicted with chores to do which adds to the lack of sleep and exhaustion.
“I had to lug panels to the roof. I am getting a good workout but I am so tired”
At least I get excuses now even if they are repetitive. It used to be silence. The silence has been replaced with excuses.
Does HG still write new material here or are all of these recent articles recycled? I don’t mind either way since I just found this blog.
Welcome Courtney
Yes, HG does still post new articles and is also active in the comments. If you don’t see your comment right away it’s because he is off jetsetting the world with his latest love interest (or just busy lol). He moderates everything that gets posted.
What brings you to the blog? I have been here about six months since having a very brief affair with a narc. I never would be coming back to this site every day to since then to try and understand and accept what I was entangled with.
Regarding the recycled articles. One thing I like to do when they cycle around is to go back and look at the comment I made on an earlier post, to see how far I’ve come 🙂
I meant to say “I never though I would be coming back here” 😑
Hi, Joanne!
Thank you for that wonderful welcoming!
I am here because I have gotten out of an abusive relationship with someone I am pretty sure is a malignant narcissist. It’s been really hard and I was pretty much healed for the most part I think although it’s only been 4 months, but I was hoovered by a lesser malignant narcissist from high school actually. It was way more I don’t know blatantly sinister. I started noticing the signs and cut it off immediately. But, it made me start to miss the nex from my abusive relationship. I don’t know why. But, it’s hard. I miss him a lot now or at least who he appeared to be. It hurts so badly and I feel so alone again. So that’s why I am here.
Courtney
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through/are going through. These people leave such a strong imprint that just lingers. I’m glad you recognized the toxic signs in the hoover and that you landed here. HGs work will help you to get your emotional thinking under control and help you build your defenses while healing. This is unlike any experience I’ve had in my life and I thank God to have connected with people here who understand and support each other!
I agree with the fact that people like our nexes leave a horrible imprint on us that lingers. It’s scary. I’m glad I recognized the toxic signs too. It hurts to be used like that although it was way less intense than my abusive relationship it still hurt a lot. I am so glad that I am not alone after all and there are people out there who have experienced what I have experienced. Makes me feel.. I don’t know? Less crazy?
Courtney
Definitely less crazy. My friends could not (or would not?) understand what I was going through, would tell me to get over it, would blame me for being too needy / not being able to handle rejection. It was gaslighting all over again. Everyone here gets it! <3
Joanne as with his books every time I read one of his articles again, I always find something that I have missed or that I look at differently now that I have so much more understanding and knowledge.
FM1T
Same here! Like a puzzle coming together one piece at a time. You know what the whole is meant to look like but each piece has to interlock one by one…
Hello Courtney and welcome!
Yes, there is new material. HG has not only written all these articles but also over 45 books and there are more books in process.
I have just read your answer to Joanne and wanted to say that it can take several months to get over a relationship, especially if your partner was a narcissist.
Just in case you have not seen them yet, the articles The Post Discard Battle Part I, II and III will help you understand what you are going through.
http://narcsite.com/2017/02/03/the-post-discard-battle-part-one/
http://narcsite.com/2017/02/04/the-post-discard-battle-part-two/
http://narcsite.com/2017/02/05/the-post-discard-battle-part-three/
Thank you for the links to these wonderful resources. Very eye-opening. This community seems very friendly and supportive. I hope I don’t have to stay too long though.
Courtney,
This group is amazing as is are leader! You will find so many on here that will help you anyway they can. Never be afraid to comment or ask questions. 🌻
A good analogy.