Why Yes Is Not Always Best
Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.
“I will think about it.”
“We shall see.”
“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”
“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”
You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.
By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.
We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.
“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”
“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”
“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”
It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.
You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.
12 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best”
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How about saying “yes” and deliberately not doing the thing you said you’ll do?
That should be fun when used with the right kind of person (a narcissist, of course) and in the right circumstances – I guess you can expect being blamed for it, or smeared. But if you don’t care about such consequences, then… cool. Or maybe you can come up with a ludicrous excuse for it (prepare it in advance), to make it even more fun.
I’ll have to try this sometime. 🙂
Now, when narc asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I say, “What the hell would I want to do that for?” I learned that sweet line from him and he recognizes it. I hope he appreciates it. Lol
This is good advice except… we don’t do this kind of thing deliberately. Like a narcissist… we act out of instinct the majority of the time. So although I realize there is an option to say no (and obviously I exercise that option at times) to actually say it takes a lot more effort at times.
HG how are our narcissists going to feel if we say no to them ? Are we likely to get punished for it resisting the narcissist is definitely not easy but the punishment goes on for ages ???
It will most likely be Challenge Fuel (in some instances it will wound – it depends on how ‘no’ is communicated.) The response depends on
1. Your proximity to the narcissist;
2. Your position in the fuel matrix;
3. The method by which the ‘no’ has been communicated;
4. The circumstances in which the ‘no’ has been communicated.
There are too many variables based on what you have stated for me to provide an accurate, detailed response. You can expect however the assertion of superiority (possibly ignited fury) and thus some form of manipulation will ensue.
Thank you 🙏
Do you care about our thoughts and feelings or only about our actions?. I mean, when manipulating us…
We care about control and fuel.
I could care less.
You mean ‘I couldn’t care less’.
“You mean ‘I couldn’t care less’.”
Ah; it’s nice to have you back HG…
Thank you.