A Glimpse Into The Greater Narcissist’s Mind – Reflections

reflection

I was once engaged in a discussion with Dr E. This was some years ago, but I am sharing it with you as it will provide you with some insight into my mind, the mind of the Greater Narcissist. It will also answer various questions you are likely to have and they can be applied, with suitable adjustments, to the minds of the Mid Range and with even further adjustments, to the minds of the Lesser Narcissists.

As part of the discussion with De E, we had happened on the subject of relaxation and rest.

“When would you say that you relax?” he asked me as he adjusted his spectacles.

“I don’t.”

“You do not relax.” Dr E said it more as a statement as opposed to a question.

“That’s right. How can I relax when there is so much to do, so much to be done and I have a mind like mine?”

“Tell me, what is your mind like?” he asked.

“What do you think it is like?” I responded. I always like to try and get Dr E to pin his colours to mast the early on. That way I am in a better position to manipulate the conversation.

“If I knew that there would be no need for all of these sessions as I try to understand your mind,” he replied.

“But I thought you told me that you know all about my kind and me?” I responded.

“I know about the condition that it is suggested is applicable to the way that you behave, but it would be arrogant of me to assume that I knew the way that your mind works. That is part of the work I must do with you, to know your mind and to enable you to  know your mind also.”

“Oh I know my mind, doctor, don’t trouble your thoughts with that,” I smiled.

“I am pleased to hear that. Do tell me about it then?”

“Well where do I start? It is formidable, magnificent and effective.”

“Well, let’s return to what was being said in the earlier part of this conversation shall we? You explained to me that your mind does not allow you to relax.”

“I actually said ‘how can I relax when I have a mind like mine’.”

“Of course, please, explain that to me in more detail.”

“My mind is like an engine. It is like a supercomputer. From the moment I switch it on until the moment I disengage it when I go to sleep it is whirring, formulating and computing.”

“So you engage your mind, switch it on?” asked Dr E.

“Absolutely. It fires into life once I wake and from that moment onwards it is always working things out, plotting, scheming and manipulating. It absorbs information, it recalls information, it seeks opportunity, it devises, collates, assesses, evaluates, remembers, it wages war and it defends.”

“I see. You mentioned that you disengage it when you go to sleep. Tell me more about that.”

“It is pretty simple really. I lay my head on the pillow and decide that it is time for it to be switched off. It is like pulling the plug. As soon as it is done then my mind goes blank and I am straight to sleep.”

“You do not lie awake contemplating what has happened during the day or what you have done or what might need to be done the next day?” asked Dr E.

“No. I have worked all of that already. There is little point in contemplating what has already happened. It cannot be changed and cannot be altered. It has already served its purpose. There is nothing to be gained in returning to it.”

“But do you not like to sit and recall your memories?”

“Sometimes but I only do so when I know that I can use them in some way. For example, I will recall memories for the purpose of telling a story to someone of for the sake of explaining something. I may recall certain memories for the purposes of assessment in order to use them to address something in the now. They must always have a use, a purpose, a point. In those situations they serve a purpose to me. Otherwise a memory is just a spent and useless thing.”

Dr E remained silent as he scribbled away in his black and red notebook.

“Do you purposefully select these memories?” he asked. I nodded. I knew what was coming next. I was prepared.

“And you select those memories because they serve a purpose for you?”

“Yes.”

“You do not like to look back on events and reminisce?”

“No. That is a waste of time. It is revisiting something which has happened. One has already experienced this and whatever has been derived from it has already been derived from it. It is pointless to keep returning to something when one already knows what it is.”

Dr E continued to write.

“Do any memories just surface without you selecting them?” he asked.  I nodded again.

“What do you think about those memories?” he pressed.

“I do not.”

“You do not think about them? You do not embrace them?” he asked.

“I do not.”

“What if they are persistent, some thoughts are. They appear in an intrusive manner and remain. Does that happen with some of your thoughts,  with memories perhaps? How do you deal with those unwanted recollections, particularly the persistent ones?”

“In the same way I deal with your unwanted and persistent questions, I deny their existence. Move on.”

Dr E looked up and met my gaze. His mouth opened very slightly as a further question formed on his lips. Fortunately for him he interpreted correctly the look in my eyes and the question met its demise just as quickly as it had been born and he looked away.

There was a pause as he wrote something.

The bastard had deliberately paused in order to cause something to fill the gap he had created. I always have to fill the gap. We all do. In that instant the frozen scene of that frozen day exploded in my mind’s eye.

‘You fucking sly bastard’ I thought as I continued to look at Dr E who was continuing to write. He did that on purpose. Who did he think he was, trying to play games with the Master of Games? Impertinent wanker. I felt the barbed remark rising inside of me, burning and acidic and I was ready to let it fountain from me and spatter against him but I halted. No, not here. Not now. Too soon. Another will get it instead, they will bear the burden of Dr E’s foolish attempts to better me. The first person I encounter on leaving this place will receive what Dr E ought to receive.

The rising fury had at least shattered the image. It was gone. I was safe.

Dr E sparked into life again.

“What about feeling worried about what might need to be done or feeling regret at something that has happened? Those are the types of thing that can keep a person from sleeping as their mind pores over and analyses such things.”

“No. That is redundant and a waste of time. I do not worry about things. I get on and control them. I have nothing to regret. Every decision I made was the right one at the time,” I explain.

“But what if it is not the right one in retrospect?”

“I do not look back on what I have done and ascribe any judgement to it. That serves no purpose.”

“I see. So your mind is devoid of anything when you go to sleep?”

“Correct. The machine has been switched off and thus I go straight to sleep and I always sleep well.”

“Do you dream?” asked Dr E.

“Could you be more specific? Do I dream or do I have dreams when I sleep?”

“Tell me about both,” suggested Dr E.

“I do not dream I do. Dreaming is for the romantic and the fantasists, I create and do.”

“Very well and what about dreaming when you are asleep?”

“Never.”

“You may do but fail to recall them?” suggested Dr E.

I shrugged.

“I never dream.”

“Okay. So between waking and sleeping your mind is always racing yes? Tell me, what causes it to race?”

“Fuel. Where will my fuel come from, who will provide it, how much, how can I get more, will there be enough, who else do I need to provide me with fuel, what will be the best way of getting fuel from this person or situation, who can I rely on to be a near constant supply of fuel, why has the fuel dropped, why has this fuel stopped, why can I not obtain the fuel, how can I increase the fuel?”

“Do you think of anything else? For example, how a view across some hills might be beautiful or how you are looking forward to going to a football match with a friend?” asked Dr E.

“I will think how beautiful the view is to tell someone later to make them jealous that I saw it and not them so they react and provide me with fuel. I look forward to the football match to spend time with someone who will provide me with fuel and to enable me to study how they behave at this match so I can harvest more fuel.”

“So your mind is focussed on fuel all the time?” Dr E asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you find this tiring?”

“Sometimes but once I gather the fuel it makes me feel powerful and this dispels my fatigue.”

“And if you cannot obtain the fuel, I suppose the tiredness becomes greater?” suggested the doctor.

“There can never be a time when I cannot obtain fuel. That is why my mind works so hard and is always racing.”

Dr E nodded and made more notes as he did I thought about how my last text message to Kim will have upset her and I felt a surge of power as I began to consider where I would take Samantha this evening in order to show her off at a suitably impressive venue and then I recalled that I needed to send out some more e-mails to continue my campaign against Andrea and there would be an opportunity tomorrow at work to show off with the presentation that I was making and I knew that I needed to make a couple of unpleasant telephone calls to a colleague in order to keep him on his toes and in awe of my power.

“Yes, it is always racing,” I added as Dr E continued with his writing.

“Racing and winning that race,” I concluded and I felt the familiar restlessness as it was now time to leave his consulting room and continue with the race.

Advertisements

51 Comments

  1. Mr. Tudor, aren’t your doctors afraid that after your therapy has taken its due course, and is completely over, that you will subject them to a slow methodical torture, somehow? (I’m in no way suggesting that you do! I am only asking if you think they are afraid of some upcoming ‘end result’).

    P.S. I imagine your doctors get paid extravagantly, or perhaps they pay you!

  2. You fire on all cylinders for as long as you’re awake?
    To me that’s exhausting, but to you it’s life.
    I try to put myself in your shoes regarding fuel/attention desperately needing it to keep the monster (though I don’t see it as the monster) in check. Power equals fuel and fuel equals power.. are you curious at all about testing this.. trying to live without fuel if even for one day? Self medicating in a way.. you rely on other people’s emotions whither good or bad to fill you up, can filling yourself up be a learning process?

    You are not weak, cannot be made to feel weak because you were once made to feel this way, out of control. I understand this completely.
    To be honest, I think there is no need to change who you are, but adapting certain behaviours like you are achieving with the SM is a major step forwards for you and her.

    Does she know yet who you are? If so, has she accepted you for everything you are? If she does not know, will you ever tell her? I’m not sure you will as this will give her unintentional power over you. Make you vulnerable and she would be wise to your machinations.

    I’m an empath.. should I confess this to someone I’m seeing … you’re a narc… should you confess… same thing.. different flip sides.

    You have adapted your behaviours and have clearly stated you have no intention of hurting her. You’ve made progress too! Hope the good doctors recognise as such.

  3. HG,

    Is this “not-dreaming” during sleep a characteristic of narcissists in general (MR in particular)? This would explain some “dreams” she said she had…

    Otherwise, yes, the same restlessness, always doing something, going somewhere, meeting somebody, little sleep with a complete reset in the morning, lots of energy. I actually admired this.

      1. You’re telling the truth. It used to enrage me that my husband would act like a baby whose meal was late all night and then even be able to sleep at night. lol

  4. HG , if You deny the existence of certain memories ? Then you are in denial …?

    That is a defense mechanism , right ?

    1. The memory is there, it is not afforded energy. This is something many of our victims would do well to learn as a mechanism.

      1. HG

        “in response to mollyb5:

        HG , if You deny the existence of certain memories ? Then you are in denial …? That is a defense mechanism , right ?

        The memory is there, it is not afforded energy. This is something many of our victims would do well to learn as a mechanism.”

        Many victims do not “remember” certain memories that layered upon them the energy (negative) that is stored and needs to be healed to never be at risk of ensnarement again…..this is what is the base that keeps the dance in motion. One can learn everything and always be at risk due to this and one reason why I support your work and always will.

        I do agree in a sense, victims should learn to release the energy and not “hold” onto it thus not wasting energy that could be focused in ways that are constructive. When I say victims this includes your kind to HG.

        1. Thank you Twilight. To expand, when a thought or a memory arises the only person who gives it ‘energy’ or ‘momentum’ (call it what you will) is the person who has the thought or memory. By disciplining oneself to jettison them, substantial progress is made.

          1. “Thank you Twilight. To expand, when a thought or a memory arises the only person who gives it ‘energy’ or ‘momentum’ (call it what you will) is the person who has the thought or memory. By disciplining oneself to jettison them, substantial progress is made.”

            I disagree with jettison of the memory yet recognize and separate that which is being felt in the currant moment of what one desires this memory to be and not what it was.

            When one jettisons a memory, to bury it deep even to the point of not “seeing” it, it will resurface and manifest in ways one may not recognize it for what it was and projecting it outwardly.

            Disciplining one emotions and using logic, progress is made. ET effects both sides.

          2. One knows what the memory is. It has become redundant or detrimental and therefore must be jettisoned.

            Victims knows they are dealing with a narcissist, yet they revisit letters, texts, memories, pictures etc and doing so gives momentum to the thoughts that manifest with regard to the narcissist. This increases emotional thinking keeping the victim (or increasing the risk of keeping the victim) stuck. It also brings with it unpleasant emotions (anger, fear, upset, hurt etc) which are designed to force the victim into further engagement with the narcissist (more thinking, messaging, engaging in person, talking about them etc). A victim must learn to jettison these thoughts and not give them momentum. By doing so, the thoughts will intrude less and less and it becomes easier and easier to jettison them.

          3. I see what you are saying, I was looking at in a different view. I saw it as completely “forgetting” the thoughts vs controlling what one is thinking which can become a slippery slope and trigger emotional thinking. In many cases dealing with your kind “jettison” of these memories will serve them better then trying to control them until they can separate ET from LT.

            As you know HG i can not just forget, i had to learn to be an “observer” and not a “participant “ of my emotions to control my emotional thinking.

          4. Yes, I understand Twilight you had a different perspective. I was focussing specifically on the jettisoning of the thoughts which are redundant/detrimental.

          5. Thank you HG for expanding on your view. I have always appreciated hearing them.

      2. “The memory is there, it is not afforded energy. This is something many of our victims would do well to learn as a mechanism.”

        HG, This is a superb insight. I never considered the concept of choice in giving energy (thoughts/emotions) to memories. The concept of retaining a memory, but choosing not to give it energy would be very freeing. I shall adopt this practice immediately. Yet another great way let go and be empowered. Thank you!

        1. FYC
          It is great advice that HG has given on not affording energy to certain memories. It is how I am able to look at my childhood and not become victimized all over again. I look at it like a film (distanced from it). I acknowledge and accept that it happened, but I don’t feel the overwhelming emotion of that time. You could argue that it is a form of compartmentalization, but one that allows as more of a study so that things can be gleaned from those experiences to allow them to be further prevented (for oneself and for others). When you can see the situation through logic over emotion (and yes I know that is not easy and can take time) you will see the lies and manipulations quite clearly. It allows you to reject those lies and actions as merely the weapons of those who sought to control you and that they really have nothing to do with you or your worth. You will see that they were the weak, and their need to control you actually demonstrates your value and strength, and the lengths they would go to in their desire to possess it for themselves.

          1. Hello NA, As always you offer wise words. I am usually a bit more like you in the strong, logical, protector/defender areas. In general, I always apply logic and see what is happening. My problem was that my logic does not eliminate the emotions that follow. (I was just discussing this on a different post with K where she gave some great insights too.) Now I have some new tools at my disposal that are game changers. You are all helping hone my mettle ;-)

            HG’s concept of having the memory but not giving it energy is absolutely genius. It clicked immediately and I have already employed it with great relief. I do not see his concept as compartmentalization. I see it as acknowledgment, understanding and resolution without further emotional engagement. A healthy, liberating process versus packing something away in a compartment to avoid dealing with it. That may sound semantical, but I hope you understand my conceptual difference.

            NA your childhood abuse is far worse than anything I have endured. I recognized who you are from the first post I read. (BTW, You kinda remind me of the lead character, Mary, on “In Plain Sight”–an early 2000s TV series still on Netflix) NA, Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. You are wonderful and I appreciate you always.

      3. So you don’t dwell in a negative memory ? But it fuels you to get revenge ? And some memories you learn to forget or deny ? That’s what everyone does tho? Empaths do that . We deny that the narc said “ I can’t stand you” after a while etc . Or whatever negative shit he says to us . So then it keeps us thinking he didn’t mean that …he just said it at the time because …blah blah whatever excuse . Normals and empaths do that a lot ?

      4. Is this just for Greaters, HG? MRN would profess to not remember things but then he’d slip up. A manipulation? It always seemed to me that professing not to remember was a way to make me not matter. But as I said, it was bs.

  5. HG, what about when you are substance affected (alcohol or drug) does your mind still race and do you continue your laser focus on deriving fuel?

      1. Thanks HG…In the interests of hour healthy and well-being, may I suggest an alternative hobby such as Formula 1? Plenty of racing and all the fuel you need (I hear the pit crew make great lieutenants) 😉

          1. Ha! You must be burning inside to get racing – drive it like its stolen!

  6. Welcome back HG, hope you had a good trip. Hopefully no tripping that sent you head over heels, though 😉😊

    Looks like Kim got another hit from you (a long time in coming?) and SM name is Samantha? Obviously names have been changed.

      1. Apologies HG, I’m a little confused? Who’s name begins with L? Also re: and that is her real name. Who’s real name? 🤔

          1. So Samantha is SM real name? Who’s name begins with L? I was going to give up on this because it really isn’t that important, however I remembered how you always tell me not to quit or runaway, so I am staying with it! 🤣🙃

          2. FM1T, before The Shieldmaiden was called “The Shieldmaiden”, she first appeared as Lady L. Maybe this will help with your confusion.

      2. That’s very weird/funny HG because my real name also begins with L and of course I go by SMH. Maybe she and I are twinsies.

  7. This is good, HG – it really illustrates what I always felt with MRN – no memories, no regrets, mind always racing and always ‘on,’ moving forward, in search of fuel. It sounds exhausting, though I know it isn’t for you.

  8. Very Interesting!
    My final realization that i could never live a good life with my ex (Somatic UMR, he would tell you he’s intellectual too, but the only book he ever read was 50 Shades of Grey and he didn’t even finish that series) was not when he was being abusive, but when I understood he was utterly incapable of “sharing a moment” with me, not even for a split second. He was always struggling upstream whereas I could just float if it suited me.
    The restlessness might be even worse with the mid-ranger, due to their lower cognitive function. Their mind often struggles to supply them with the perfect solutions in order to have them gain sufficient amounts of fuel or they cannot foresee certain consequenes of their actions.
    It’s tries to map out a couple of heinous machinations, runs into several issues considering it’s self-image and facade-management and starts to wallow in utter self-pity as a result.
    My Ex would often complain about having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, because his mind kept racing and couldn’t find answers.
    This gets interrupted by occasional bouts of grandiosity when something does pan out, which comes acompanied with a montage of “why I had to do it”-sceneries to ensure to them that they really were the victim, not the perpetrator.
    From the outside, it seems like being a mid-ranger is like wanting to be an alarming axe murderer, but all you have is a blunt butterknife.

Leave a Reply to Abe Moline Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.