The 30 Truths To The Wrong Focus
I explained how we construct the Wrong Focus so you end up concentrating on us rather than yourselves and in turn this hinders you, prevents you from moving forward and allows us to keep you where we want you, miserable, confused and wallowing in emotion. Of the thirty constituent parts of the wrong focus, what are the answers and observations to those questions and comments? Here are the truths that will enable you to avoid the effect of the Wrong Focus and thus in turn allow you to concentrate on yourself and your own needs.
- You will wonder why we treated you so terribly after we were so wonderful to you.
We did this because you stopped providing us with potent positive fuel. We needed to draw negative fuel from you instead in order to maintain our existence.
- You will want to know how we could have just left you like that after everything that you did for us?
With absolute ease. We only think of ourselves. You are just an appliance to us not a person. Someone else has our interest now and we regard them as better than you on every front.
- You will be perplexed as to how we are able to move on to somebody else so soon after being with you, especially since we said that you and I were soulmates and would be together until the end of time?
Those are standard hook-lines (look out for a forthcoming post on this) which we scatter like confetti in order to seduce them. We rarely mean anything we say to you as we are habitual liars
- What are we doing with our new acquisition?
More or less exactly what we did with you. Seducing them and giving them the golden period. We will apply similar techniques to how we charm and mesmerise them as we did with you. Expect us to say the same things, take them to the same places, buy the same gifts and so on, with some occasional changes.
- How are they better than you?
How long have you got? They are more beautiful, more loving, more intelligent, more successful, more fun, more admiring, more adoring, in fact whatever you were they are a thousand times better.
The truth is they are not, they may even be less than you, but we do not see that. To us they are shiny and new and thus amazing.
- Are we happy with that person now?
We don’t feel happy. We feel engorged by the power that surges through us from the fuel. We tell everyone we are happy though in order to maintain appearances and also in the hope you hear about our huge joy with this person.
- What has that person got that you haven’t?
To us, the most wonderful and potent positive fuel.
In your reality, they are little different, indeed you would be surprised by just how much in common you would have.
- She doesn’t even seem like our type so why on earth have we chosen her?
If she pours out positive fuel she is our type. That is all that matters. You are all appliances in our eyes.
- You spend your time on “Ex Watch” as you stalk our social media (and that of the new target) to see what we are doing together, what we are saying to one another and looking for any signs of trouble in this new relationship.
We want you doing this so you will not move on. You will not see any signs of trouble in paradise. Quite the contrary as we pump out the propaganda.
- You want our new relationship to fail so you feel better and validated because the same thing has happened to the new target as it did to you.
We know you do because that is how hateful and horrible you are and makes us wonder why on earth we ever chose. Don’t worry though, it will eventually falter, they always do.
- You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case. You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us.
Don’t bother. We know you are torn apart and we will just laugh at your attempts to pretend otherwise. We can still sense what is really going on. Instead of appearing happy you would do better to appear neutral and unmoved.
- You wonder what you could do to win us back.
You really shouldn’t bother but you don’t have to do anything because we will hoover you soon enough.
- You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.
How long have you got for us to list your litany of transgressions? The fact is that this is the case from our perspective. You did nothing wrong.
- You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.
Everything that happened between you and I. It is actually frightening just how similar it is.
- You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.
Of course we are.
- You want us to explain why we did what we did?
Not going to happen. We need to keep you hanging on for answers and closure.
- You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot. This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers.
There is no point doing this. The answer does not lie there.
- You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?
No we aren’t. You don’t exist to us until you appear in a sphere of influence and then it is hoover time.
- You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.
We don’t miss you at all. We might miss your fuel at some point.
- Does she kiss us like you did?
Yes not that we care.
- Do we love her more than we loved you?
We will tell the world and you (and her) that we have never loved anyone like this before. Of course we have. It is always the same even though it is not love as you understand it.
- Have we kept the gifts you gave us?
Yes. They will be used to hoover and triangulate.
- Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep the new target happy.
- Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep you hanging on.
- Why are we saying those things about you to other people?
It’s a smear campaign, get used to it. Everybody gets them. You are nothing special.
- Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
No.
- Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?
Because we change the rules to suit us.
- Will we ever speak to you again?
Oh yes. When it is hoover time.
- Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?
No. The smear campaign is in effect. They will when we hoover you though.
- What if she is “the one”?
Of course she is. The replacement is always the one (until the next one).
Now you know.
57 thoughts on “The 30 Truths To The Wrong Focus”
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Thank you NA
This is an excellent article both in terms of content and presentation. I think sometimes people are unable to focus and/or cannot read fast enough to get the answers they are looking for so they skim an article or jump from one to another looking to have their question answered (especially when first arrived here) and just end up frustrated and overwhelmed by the amount of information provided. This format allows some instant gratification that can lead to more focus and further investigation of the more detailed articles, or spur a consultation to get more in depth with regard to their own personal situation.
Great work HG. Appreciated.
Thank you NA.
NA,
Thank you for this comment. I am experiencing that right now. There is such a wealth of information and different formats! This blog site, YouTube, HG’s books. Not to mention all the social media that HG is on. As of now I am avoiding adding any other social media to my plate because of trolling. Trying to block and shut people down from doing this has been frustrating and then I give in and think….what the hell let them see it. For the longest time I thought that incognito on YouTube kept me private but realized this is not the case. I am stuck on narcsite right now because it has helped me so much. What has helped me has been reading the articles and then going back and reading what commentators have written to help process my own observations and get different perspectives that I may have not considered. I have a pile of his books to read also. I have just under twenty on my bookshelf.
I admire your unique style that comes across in your comments. Your sense of humor has pulled me out of a dark place many times. I could feel your angst when dealing with the technology side of all this. Being old school and a a tech illiterate, challenged person I got a kick out of your comment on another article about being the big black storm cloud over Canada.
Thank you for being you, and thank you for being you HG,
Gypsy
Hi Gypsy Heart
I’m glad you returned when you found yourself being overwhelmed in your present situation. I think it smart to limit your social media interaction to just a few to help you better concentrate. Read those books even if you have read them before as never fails that you will take something new away each time. The videos here and on YouTube are great also because you can listen to them while doing something else and make note those you want to revisit when you can give your full concentration. You know from previously being here that HG’s information is top notch, confirm your experiences with narcissism, and will help you through the fog and back to the logic that will help you. That paired with the many wonderful commenters here with differing communicating styles and perspectives ensure that you will find support. Sometimes you need a little of this and a smidgen of that…..you are encouraged to take what you need.
Yours was a lovely comment and I thank you.
NA
Thank you so much HG. I’m going to print this out and hang it in every room of my apartment until it’s committed to memory.
You are a fascinating, intriguing, individual and I enjoy reading your works. I have learned so much from you.
Thank you.
Thanks Honey very informative 🙏
I have just been discarded by Narcissist #2… the first was my husband of 22 years and the 2nd is the person who helped me escape the first. (crazy!) I’m in DISBELIEF and yet I know it’s TRUE. The craziest part about it is Narc #2 is truly a MASTER at exuding empathy… fake empathy. Throughout my journey of healing from Narc #1, Narc #2 and I would pour over, dissect, and discuss articles, books, youtube videos on narcissism. He helped me see so much and put so much chaos and confusion into order and understanding regarding narcissistic abuse from Narc #1. He called what Narc #1 did to me abuse from the very beginning… it took me a LONG TIME to even say that I had been narcissistically abused out loud… and once I finally could, Narc #2 was so proud and cheering me on in my healing journey… And all of it couched in our mutual Christian Faith!!!! I’m sitting here staring into a spot light – the light is so bright, the Truth of my situation so overwhelming! On the one hand, without Narc #2 I’d likely still be married to Narc #1 – blaming myself for why I didn’t feel connected and trying to continually bring the feelings of the love bombing stage back (did that for 22 years!!!). On the other hand, the overwhelming feeling/recognition/coming to acceptance that I’ve been duped again is so upsetting – ITRULY BELIEVED the intimacy we shared spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally was REAL… I know, HG, you are masters at making us believe… and yet I still say, “but how could it not have been real?” – coming to a clearer understanding of Stockholm syndrome this time around… Points #16 & #17 are the most potent for me. It’s what I CONSTANTLY wrestled with as I healed from Narc #1… Now as I heal from Narc #2 I hope your honesty in sharing these 30 Truths – but especially # 16/17 will allow my process of healing to be much quicker as I can continually remind myself of these truths.
Side Note: HG from the little I know of you, I would guess you and my Narc #2 are cut from the same cloth – so intelligent, talented, articulate, so wise even… I pray I will never fall into this trap again. I’d welcome your thoughts/comments HG…
Dear HFAF, welcome to the blog.
If you would like a detailed assessment to confirm this person is a narcissist and which cadre and school please see this link
https://narcsite.com/narc-detector/
If you require assistance with unravelling certain elements of what has happened, please see these links
https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
Would love to see an article on Stockholm Syndrome… especially with relation to highly educated, highly empathetic individuals and the narcissist… especially the Greater Narcissist. Have you ever observed/experienced a desire for the narcissist to help the victim “heal” at some level…. and then discard…?
This should be published in Cosmopolitan Magazine in the dating section. Seriously! It answers every question that races over and over through the mind of the disengaged and keeps them unable to move forward. I will forever be grateful that you gave me these answers. I thought I’d go to my grave still wondering.
I’ve always thought this is a good piece to introduce people to your work. Gives answers, resonates as accurate, yet leaves the reader wanting to know more about what you have to reveal about your kind.
Thank you MB, I agree and you know what to do.
Of course I know what to do…and I did. Carrier here 🙋♀️ I gotcha.
Well, we aren’t so helpless … I will speak for myself: After realisation, I still had enough pride to leave!! I ended the nightmare . I could see , that it’s senseless!!! And I don’t let a mentally sick person destroy me !! He will never have a chance to meet me again ! He’s death to me !!
“He will never have a chance to meet me again.” That is logic.
Thank you !! You helped me tremendously !!!
You are welcome.
Not all of us pretend to be happy. I genuinely felt happier than I had in months the minute I left. Tbh I didn’t particularly like him to begin with.. He’s miserable as sin with his new IPPS and it’s brilliant watching karma unfold.Whereas I am happily single,unlike the narc ex. I like my own company.
Agreed ! not having the burden of trying to deal with someone so unreasonable is nothing short of a relieve. Just because someone is sorting out their feelings after being abused does not make them “unhappy” it means they are sorting out their emotions.
I too… much enjoy my own company. And I would rather be left with my feelings to sort out alone then with someone who is completely incapable of understanding me.
I long asked myself post discard. But he’s been married to her for 20 yrs now.
Your Stepford Devaluation post explained though.
She is a decoration, completely devoted to childcare, mild decorative art and was one of Sweden Models.
Spot on. Painfully accurate. I’ve thought and asked myself virtually all of these post discard. Great post
HG, you have said somewhere that you personally modified your behaviour with regard to the SM. Why? I assume to function more efficiently but does it also mean you are beginning to care?
I have no concept of caring in the way you understand it to be LC, I protect assets because they are of considerable use to me, not through any sense of obligation or accountability.
So the asset is the SM; she remains objectified, but devaluation will not happen because her presence protects other assets? Is her presence part of your grand design as regards matrinarc? And how will you meet your fuel needs in ways that do not hurt the SM when the quality of the fuel she provides goes down? I hope I am not being too intrusive, am just trying to learn!
She is not part of the Grand Design with regard to matrinarc.
My fuel needs are met through my fuel matrix.
I did myself the misfortune of looking at one of his targets Facebook page tonight. And that was a mistake but not for the reasons you’d think…. I’m not jealous of her and I dont wish I was her. The real reason is my heart just aches for her 😞 I can’t go into specifics but her situation is dire. She has a lot of very serious personal issues going on and he is taking advantage of them to leverage his position with her.
What hurts the most is sitting back not being able to do a God dam thing for this very vulnerable person. I have to keep my mouth shut because what good will it do for either one of us for me to speak up? None.
My heart aches for this stranger.
Even more then it aches for myself.
empath007,
I can relate to what you’re saying. When you see someone that’s obviously in an abusive relationship and you can’t do anything to warn them or help them, it leaves you with an awful feeling.
I was shopping a while ago and saw a mother with two small boys. The bigger boy (about 5yrs) was sitting in the shopping cart and chatting to his mum. The smaller boy (about 3yrs) was crying loudly and desperately, walking alongside and hanging on to the cart, because he wanted to “go for a ride” in the cart. He was red-faced and screaming, saying “it’s my turn now”. His mother was completely ignoring him and continued to talk calmly to the older boy, and they both seemed totally oblivious to the smaller boy’s crying. This went on continuously as they walked around the store. The little boy was still crying later on when I saw them at their car in the car-park.
To me it was a big red flag and I felt so bad for the smaller boy who was becoming more and more upset. However, there wasn’t anything I could do. If I started talking to the smaller boy or asked his mother why he was crying so much, she probably would have accused me of interfering and blamed me for suggesting that anything was wrong. It made me feel so bad though, because it felt like the little boy was heading down the scapegoat road.
Hi WN, I feel so sorry for that little boy. I understand your feelings. I had a different experience while shopping for a child’s birthday gift. There was a grandmatrinarc and her grand daughter shopping for a leotard. I over heard the GM say, “I’m getting you this swimsuit and you are going to wear it whether you like it or not.” The GD replied softly with tears, “Noooo, that’s not what I’m supposed to get for class.” The GM replied, “Too bad ‘cuz that’s what your getting. I’ve already looked everywhere and this is the one I like so you are getting this.”
Honestly I think narcissism is far more common than believed. I stepped over to the little girl who was not being seen or heard and said to her, “I think what you’re looking for is just over there,” and pointed to the visible dance attire. The GM started to protest, but as my gaze shifted to her with a polite smile, she changed demeanor in a split second to manage her facade and proceeded to the leotards. A couple minutes later the GM said as she passed by, “Thanks, we found one, but I am still getting her this too.” I don’t know if the leotard was purchased. I hope so. And I hope my comment did no harm. It was obvious the GM was not going to change.
Hi FYC,
It was good of you to step in and point out the dance attire to the little girl. At least in that moment, the little girl could see that there was someone who could see her and recognised her feelings. Also, the GM may have had cause to consider that her ‘facade’ was not fooling other adults who could see through it.
I felt very sorry for the little boy I saw as well. I couldn’t approach the mother without appearing to be interfering. I had an urge to go to him, pick him up and comfort him and tell him that I would put him in my cart and he could ride around the store with me instead. You can imagine how that would have seemed to his mother and the other people in the store. They would have thought I was deranged and trying to kidnap him or something.
The more I know about this personality disorder, the more strange our society and its beliefs, stereotypes and initial impressions seem to be.
When it’s a child in a situation like that, if you approach, you could be seen as the one who intends to do the child harm or the one who the parents need to protect their child or themselves from. Also, the general feelings of onlookers are that the mother “obviously” (!) loves her child.
This disorder (NPD), and the consequences of it for children and people in general, really needs more awareness and insight in the general public.
Hello WiserNow, My heart is with you. I would have the same desire to comfort that little boy. I hope you know I did not question your non-intervention. I laughed at your deranged comment because that is exactly how people would see it, but knowing your intent I understand completely. Further, if you had interceded, it could have cause more blame and abuse after the fact. I only shared that shopping story to illustrate that even after addressing the little girl, it was obvious it changed nothing (except in that few seconds). The GM will continue to be a N. It is heartbreaking. If I ever meet a genie that gives me three wishes, one will definitely be to heal all N wounds (the N and the vicitims) so the abuse would cease to exist for all.
Dear FYC,
It’s ok, I know you didn’t question my non-intervention and I also know you shared your shopping story as another example of the same sort of thing. I’m glad you had a chance to say something to the little girl in your example. It all depends on the situation and the timing and proximity of the other people and whether it’s practical etc. At some times it’s easier to intervene than at others.
And yes, I also agree with you about the fact the GM (and narcissist parents in general) will not change and her narcissism will continue and the children involved will continue to be subjected to it. It is heartbreaking, especially when it’s happening in front of you and you can’t do anything to change it. I felt terrible personally that I didn’t do anything to ease the little boy’s distress.
In your case though, the best outcome was for you to correct the situation in that moment. Interventions like that by empathic people may seem small but they do make a difference. The more a child experiences that kind of communication and validation, it helps them to see there is another way.
FYC and WiserNow
Interesting conversation. I can understand the emotional conflict in deciding whether or not to intervene in these situations. It’s a personal decision and situations often happen very quickly so the window for opportunity to act is limited. What I can attest to is that any acknowledgment to/of the child is appreciated. Words, a smile, anything really. It shows there are attitudes and ways of handling things other than what they’re used to. It gives validation however fleeting.
Appreciation for your concern and efforts.
Thank you NarcAngel.
I agree with you. Now that I know about NPD and especially the importance of early childhood brain development etc, I’m more aware of children and their behaviour when I see them. If it’s possible to smile or talk to them in a friendly and caring way, I generally try to do that.
NA, Thank you for confirming taking a positive action is appreciated by the victim. This really means a lot and I am glad you shared this with us. I have never regretted taking a positive action, but I sometimes worry if it may increase abuse after the fact (because the N would blame shift to the child and punish). I certainly hope not. Perhaps you can shed some light on this too? Thanks again.
You’re a good soul, WN. Thank you for your understanding and for sharing your story.
Thank you FYC, that’s very kind of you. You’re a good soul too and it’s always a pleasure to ‘talk’ to you 🙂
Wow, empath007, that’s quite selfless of you. I thought I was the most sensitive one. She’d be lucky to have you in her corner, but, unfortunately, will have to learn for herself. Let your heart feel peace because you took care of yourself and got out, and because you are able to feel such empathy and caring.
I know of some of his other women ( he only operates with a IPSSs at the moment, and has for years, no on is public as to maintain his facade of “the good guy”) anyways… The other women I feel more settled in the fact that they are more in a position of strength and will have to learn their own lessons etc. So I don’t worry for them as much.
This particular case I speak of though, she is a vulnerable person from a medical perspective plus has a lot of very serious personal issues. I know exactly how hes going to play it too… he’s going to be this great “friend” for a long time and then swoop in and take major advantage of her.
It just makes me sick. And I felt very upset for her when writing that yesterday.
I just can’t see how as a complete stranger (me) swooping in giving her information would be helpful. Plus it could be a potential hoover trigger for myself… so I feel like I can only be there for her when it inevitably fails. Or maybe never at all. If I were religious I’d pray for her.
And thank you for the nice compliment KellyD
That is sad and sick on his part. Most likely swooping in and trying to save her would be fruitless because she. At currently be enamored by him (fake him) and she may have heard of you as being the crazy, bad one. At the time of her eventual fall she may be more receptive of your support.
Have you treated your girlfriend badly at all? How is life living together?
No. Tickety boo.
Stay the course H.G! Stay 100% loyal to one woman forever.
The psychopath is an abusive dick.
Why you are absent on youtube?
I am not, I have a channel there.
I am a subscriber of your channel & haven’t seen new post on the channel for over a month. I was wondering…
I have been busy elsewhere Akiko. There are over 600 videos to work your way through in the meanwhile though until I post more. Thank you for subscribing.
Trust me. I watched most of them when I was under persistent Hoover attack. It helped me for keeping my mouth shut. Sometime I rather like to listening than reading. Thank you for your reply.
Noted. There are more on the way.
I second this- I’ve had trouble w The Mixture being activated lately and I’ve noticed that even tho I’m re-watching your videos and re-reading all the e-books I’d yours, I find my resolve and my logic stays stronger when I get fresh videos from you on the regular. OF COURSE I understand your time constraints but just to let you know, regular fresh material helps keep me strong, logical, and keeps the ET lower. I have been enjoying your articles of course but there’s something about hearing you communicate it audibly …. Thank you for all you do.
Hello HG, I do miss hearing your voice, and anticipate your next YouTube video. Of course I am rewatching in the meantime. A couple of questions;
-re # 14 – does the IPPS ever experience any sense of intimacy that a DLS did not?
In both my experiences w narcs, there was a missing sense of intimate connection, even if the right things were being said and done. Something was missing. Line their minds were never fully present with me.
It’s difficult for me to think the IPPS doesn’t notice this
An IPPS is more likely to be on the receiving end of feigned intimacy than a DLS, although it depends much on the school and cadre of narcissist.
Indeed, he’s the MMR Elite and the feigned intimacy is likely there . Your video on why the narc rejects intimacy helped – it was something I sensed when I was IPPS to my LMR narcoholic too. A gut level feeling that there’s some connection missing. I wonder if any other empaths would speak to this? Is this a common experience- that even tho all the right things are said and done…there’s a strange gut level feeling of something missing connection-wise?
When my ex speak ( making speech or pitch for excuse his action or pull me back in) he cries a lot, tears running down on his cheek & blowing his nose & all. But when I express my feeling & choked with my tears ( I didn’t cry often in front of him he cried a lot ), I get this cold empty stare from him whether he doesn’t know what he needs to say or annoyed by my tears ( more so on latter IMO ). He grabs & hugs me tight whenever & wherever he wanted but he never hugs me & comfort me when I cry. I remember looking at him WHTF & that’s stop me from crying most of the time. It was odd but now I know why.
You are in a shitload of pain and you are worrying me. Take the pain meds. You won’t get addicted.
This blog bothers me and my gut tells me you are not in a good head space. I want to help you if you need it.
But if you choose not to, I won’t force you.
A little piece of brilliance and truth. How refreshing to see the simplicity of the N relationship dynamic Q & A style. Forget the complex and concocted stories we tell ourselves; the real one is abundantly clear. Let us commit this to memory and it shall be a loyal servant.