Evil : Imagine Greater

 

evil

You put yourselves into the position of others. We put others into ourselves. You do it as a matter of choice in order to fulfil one of the roles you see for yourselves. Admittedly, you are struck by a considerable compulsion but you still retain the ability to decide if you will do so. We do not. We must do it. We have no choice if we wish to survive. I would invite you to exercise that ability of yours.

Imagine being wounded by the words and actions of others. Imagine that injurious sensation arising because of the deliberate and treacherous behaviour of someone who we have come to rely on. From minion to colleague, from friend to lover, the slight that is occasioned by them stings, hurts and pains. Imagine suffering that agony even if the transgressor claims not to have intended such injury and pleads innocence of all wrongdoing. Imagine that you recognise that they are right in their protestation but it still does not take away what they have done.

Imagine being of ability, brilliance and talent yet within an instant being laid low by the turn of the back or the failure of acknowledgement. Imagine being beholden to such a tortuous response and hating being chained in this way. Imagine the desire to rail against the offender, mocking them for their shortcomings, their pale comparison and diminished abilities yet that same pathetic specimen has the ability to wound in such a grievous manner. Imagine the shame of despising that individual for their behaviour yet knowing that in their hands they hold such a power. Imagine those moments of genuine horror when it is contemplated that if that competitor only realised what they could truly do and that the consignment to oblivion might be moments away.

Imagine the anguish of knowing that your well-being and capacity to function is reliant on a whole host of others who have no inkling as to the part they play. Imagine how such ignorance is regarded as a blessing and that each and every day, thanks is given that they remain shrouded in such ignorance for if they became armed with knowledge, what destruction they might wreak. Imagine knowing you are chained to the one thing that generates such contempt and bilious hatred, the need to strain against those binding chains until they split, rupture and fall away with the arrival of another. Imagine the hope, the expectation and the desire for the new arrival to prove to be the saviour. Imagine always searching for that one true acolyte that will remove the ills, eradicate the risk of annihilation and instead will prevent the necessity of the imposition of those heavy oh so heavy chains. Imagine the fervent endeavour to acquire that new arrival and the sense of delicious anticipation as they begin to function in accordance with the expected and hoped for desire.

Imagine the soaring power that arises from this saviour, the promised one, the perfect one. Imagine that sense of surging, blazing power, the sweeping majesty of knowing that the needs are now catered for, that all is and will be well, that function and form can rely on this spectacular provision. Imagine the possibilities as being super-charged from this significant, this most significant other and that worlds will collide, empires will rise and the intended endless dynasty will be created.

Imagine the horror, the disappointment, the envy and the fury as that perfect one turns out to be a seditious charlatan who has lied, conned and connived. Imagine the incandescent rage that seeks escape. Imagine knowing of the consequences of such treachery and the reckless application of such blind fury. Imagine knowing that control must be exerted in order to preserve so much that has been built. Imagine straining to keep the beast within its confined place, the shackles so perfectly formed and seemingly impervious to weakness or fragility that now appear weak, rusted and not fit for purpose. Imagine the contemplation of becoming nothing. Imagine that which you wish the world to see being steadily dismantled and by a traitor’s hand. Imagine the sense of injustice, unfairness and bitterness to be undone by the very thing which promised the ultimate salvation. Imagine hearing that craven whisper that signifies that which should not be entertained or occasioned. Imagine the icy terror of that mocking, lisping voice and the frantic need to silence it. Imagine the whirlwind of necessity to rebuild, to acquire and to conquer once again. Imagine the Herculean effort required to reassert one’s place in this cruel and feckless world.

Imagine in such times of being reminded of what once was and what you swore would never be again. That which you have sought to bury deep and keep buried, locked away, hidden and rarely contemplated. Imagine the tormentors that come like shades to pull and drag towards that time again. That time which ought to have been banished yet still somehow rises time and time again. Imagine trying to bury it dead but knowing it will not allow this and instead when the obscene and scandalous plans of our opponents, our competitors and our enemies weaken that which ought not be seen as weak, that the corpse breathes once again and seeks to rise, its fetid words travelling from near-forgotten times to resurrect them and bring us down.

Imagine striking out left, right and centre in order to bring control and order back. Imagine that it can only be from the external chaos that order is enforced within and that the suffering of others is the glue, the mortar and the binding which creates that prison once more. Imagine reliance on the agony and suffering to re-build and re-create so that the voice is silenced and decorum established once more.

Imagine that whirring mind which must always assess, evaluate and calculate. Planning, plotting and scheming. A marvellous frenzied activity which devises and develops in order to always drive forward. Imagine knowing that stillness is not an option. Imagine the knowledge that taking such a step would only result in that slow descent and instead momentum is required at all times, onwards, upwards, forwards with never a backward glance, a moment of retrospect or the time to pause and consider. Always consuming, always extracting, always gathering, garnering, purloining, taking, sucking, draining, hunting, claiming, conquering. A ceaseless behemoth that draws the light from stars, the good from the benevolent, the love from the decent and the soul from everything. Imagine that and so, so much more.

Can you imagine it?

Can you be it.

I can.

I have to.

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30 Comments

  1. HG, since you have an awareness of your own pyschology, wouldn’t it be more accurate to say you choose to do what you do rather than you have to?

    Is it not the truth that you have the ability to choose not to do what you do, but as with any addiction you lack the strength or possibly the desire to choose otherwise?

    1. I have to be this way. I have a choice as to how I effect being this way. It is nothing to do with lacking strength. I am not addicted to what I am, this is what I am. Part of what I am is being addicted to fuel.

      Lesser and Mid Range have to be this way too. They do not have the choice as to how they effect being this way.

      1. Why do you have have to be this way? With the awareness that you have, could you not choose otherwise, even though it may mean suffering? Does not the ability to choose remain with you?

        1. It is the way that I am. There is no need to be a different way, this is what I am and it works.

          1. I find it interesting that both empaths and narcissits seem to have no interest in changing their nature in any way. Wonder if that’s a case of adapting to your own situation and “learning to live with the hand you’ve been dealt with” or lack of imagination regarding what life might otherwise be like, not wanting to take the risk.

          2. Hello Desiree,

            1. The vast majority of narcissists do not know what they are and do not see anything wrong with what they do (it is everybody else’s fault) therefore there is no interest in changing as there is no perception of needing to. Moreover, you cannot make the narcissist see a need to change – he or she is inherently designed (because of the narcissism) to reject that.
            2. Greater Narcissists : we know what we are but again see no need for change. It works brilliantly for us, therefore why alter?
            3. Empaths. Actually, some empaths do want to change what they are, but they cannot and moreover why should they? They do not have to stop being an empath (not that they can) what they need to do is avoid our kind and that means learning, applying that learning and governing emotional thinking.

          3. You see no reason or advantage to choose to be different. I understand that.
            My question is:
            IF you could be persuaded that there was a reason and a long term advantage in doing so, would you have the ABILITY to change?

          4. Hello HG,
            well said as always.
            I find that I desire to be more narcissistic when I am in intense emotional pain due to recent narcisstic abuse. It is a case of wanting the pain to stop because I am hurting, not because I would be willing to trade my empathy in, as I would likely be erasing myself in the process, where that even possible.
            I find it interesting that about 95% (being lesser and MR) of narcissists see nothing wrong with their actions. But I can’t put myself in their shoes and therefore when I look at them, all I see is walking, talking insanity.
            Greaters are easy to understand – at least in my mind. In the rare instances where I have successfully gotten retribution, I felt a surge of power and cold satisfaction for getting back at someone deserving without providing them with fuel.
            While I did not crush them completely, knowing that they took a hit because I had analized their behaviour and used my knowledge against them in a calculating manner made me feel superior to them and like they where at my mercy.
            These feelings where fleeting and got washed away by disgust, guilt and the wish to distance myself once more.
            But I now understand the appeal of being a successful manipulator, even though I could never do it the way your kind does.
            That being said, the most pathetic breed of narcissist must be the MR that assumes they are an empath and wanders the internet in search for fue- I mean consolence. Glad we have one wandering around at the moment, it’s always fascinating to spot them in the wild.

          5. By change I mean change your philosophy (and therefore your decisions, and therefore your actions)
            Again, I understand that you have no DESIRE to do so at the moment but I seek to know, assuming your understanding of reality changed (and therefore your philosopy etc.), do you have the ABILITY to do so?

          6. HG,
            By ‘change’ I mean alter your philosophy, and therefore your decisions, and therefore your actions.

      2. HG this is just my opinion but there are very deep wounds in you , inflicted most likely as a child.
        Inside you feel empty and need to fill up on others energy , that is my take on fuel.
        Inside you are wounded ,the reason the fuel never lasts is because you have to generate your own fuel inside first , you have to risk emotional pain .
        I know it sucks but weirdly it does make you stronger in the end.

        Kiki

        1. Your second paragraph is correct, Kiki.
          We are not designed to generate our own fuel. We were ‘formed’ differently. This cannot be altered.

          1. But what about the new dynamic HG?
            If you successfully manage to change your behaviour long term re SM, perhaps the knock on effect, even subconsciously, is that you will begin to generate self fuel. It that correct? x

          2. That is modification, not change. I regard change as far-reaching and deep. I will not self-fuel, that is impossible.

  2. Very informative and very powerful piece of writing HG. It gave me a vivid sense of the “burning malice at your core” that you describe in other articles.

    It also gave me the impression that you never feel a sense of peace, of contentment or calm just from living or being. You seem to be forever vigilant and always suspicious for the slights, criticisms and wounding you think comes from others. It reminds me of the saying that goes something like… “if you are always expecting to see something, you will see it everywhere”. These ‘criticisms’ that wound you are largely produced by your own imagination.

    Another thing that struck me is the paradox that you need “fuel” from those people who you see as weak, worthless and beneath you. Without them, your grandiose construct starts to crack and you fear the void. It’s strange to me that your “power” and “superiority” is derived from those who you believe are so much weaker and pathetic compared to you. Could this be a kind of projection on your part?

    Reading this article made me think of doing the same, but from the empathic person’s point of view:
    Imagine being around people and feeling like you know them, their personalities and their underlying thoughts more clearly than you know your own self or your own thoughts.
    Imagine that the wants and needs of others were easy to see and, in the case of those you care about, are important to you in the sense that if they aren’t happy or satisfied or are threatened than you also feel dissatisfied and feel compelled to do something to change that.
    Imagine putting yourself second or third or fourth and only sometimes being aware that you’re actually doing that.
    Imagine thinking about someone else’s problems or burdens and figuring out a solution for them, only to realise later that you have the same problems but didn’t think to solve them for yourself or feel that it was a priority to do so.
    …I could go on, but you get the gist.

    1. WiserNow
      Great point. I often think when people tell HG that it must be exhausting being him, that the same could be said about being am empath, but it’s not exhausting for the most part when it’s instinctive and all you’ve ever known (for either side).

      1. NarcAngel,

        Yes, when it’s instinctive, it seems natural and automatic. You do it without even thinking or planning to do it. It doesn’t spring from your cognitive mind. The ‘effort’ required to change those instinctive behaviours does seem to be cognitive though. So it takes time and practice to use cognitive ‘logic’ to overcome the instinctive ’emotion’.

        It is exhausting being an empath sometimes. I find that if I’m around people or in a busy or unfamiliar environment with other people, I automatically ‘absorb’ the emotions, moods and attitudes around me as well as being very vigilant of many things happening in the environment. It’s not something I can ignore or shut myself off from. It happens whether I want it to or not. I think I have high sensitivity too. Anyway, after a while, it can get tiring (emotionally and physically) and the only way to recharge my energy is to either be alone for a while, rest/sleep, or leave the situation and spend time doing something relaxing. I find that even short periods of rest (say 15/20mins) or a short walk on a sunny day are enough to recharge if that tired feeling gets in the way of doing things. Sometimes though, after a full busy day, nothing but sleep helps.

        It’s very interesting to think about what is going on in a person’s mind. It could be so different based on whether it’s a narcissist’s mind or an empathic person’s mind.

  3. yes exactly… this is what I realized… narcissists can´t choose… like cats can´t choose not to hunt, birds can´t but singing and flying.. and armed woth this understanding.. we don´t blame narcissists for what they are any more, it is useless, waste of our precious energy … as you said, HG, once we know we go… hihii it is amazing how this prevents approaches of narcissits in my life right now… wonderful how this works… my guard is always awake, stopping the narcs don´t letting them in. Thanks for your advice, HG.

  4. Anyone who has had true deep encounters with a narcissist would understand most of this this is what you do to us we don’t have to imagine it other than insatiable need for fuel
    Our recovery comes from myself sometimes outside Influences can help out but we eventually pull ourselves together and get on with life the downside is usually being attracted to another narcissist And The cycle begins again And it’s not just a merry-go-round it’s a goddamn rollercoasters of emotions you don’t need to imagine being on the receiving end of it you already know that’s why you choose narcissism
    But can you imagine facing your fears allowing yourself to be vulnerable being honest with someone about what you are not just who you are allowing someone to come in to your most inner being And being accepted for what you are helps to recover and loved unconditionally

  5. This one for some reason triggers me every time I read it, but I cannot not read it. 😪

  6. Imagine you have all the knowledge in the world. Imagine that you are completely successful using mild Machiavellian ways of success to ensure the illusion of good intentions. Imagine hearing or meeting someone else with more power than you. Imagine not paying attention to the important details. Imagine thinking you can stop someone who is unstoppable.

    Imagine it. Then imagine losing. Cause that’s what will happen.

    Did you?

    This is FUN!

    1. Someone on here once said, No one can predict the future.

      He sounded lucid at the moment.

  7. “Imagine being of ability, brilliance and talent yet within an instant being laid low by the turn of the back or the failure of acknowledgement.”

    Yes. As well as the rest of that paragraph. I have been that.

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