To Control Is To Cope : Narcissism and Its Creation

TO CONTROL

To deal with and to address the vagaries of life, human beings have developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms vary in terms of the extent of their use, their impact on the user, the impact on others and the frequency of their deployment. Some coping mechanisms are regarded as ‘healthy’ and others as ‘unhealthy’ and some may be a hybrid of the two, dependent on the extent and duration of usage.

Distancing is a coping mechanism. You may distance yourself from a situation and people, but prolonged and extensive distancing may lead to isolation with the associated problems which such isolation can bring. Short-term distancing can allow recovery, re-charging and avoidance of an ongoing harmful situation. Longer-term distancing which is targeted on one or more chief proponents of harm can lead to near complete removal from toxic and harmful influences. No contact of course is a coping mechanism which incorporates distancing as a central tenet of it and is the most effective coping mechanism to apply with regard to your recovery from ensnarement with our kind.

Crying is another coping mechanism. The release of tension, held-grief, feelings of misery often evaporate as a consequence of somebody crying. You may be told ‘have a good cry, you will feel better’ and indeed many people have testified to the beneficial impact of doing so and thus crying achieves release and often acts as a signal to invite comfort from others. It is a coping mechanism deployed by people to deal with a stressful, worrying or hurtful situation.

Self-harming is a further form of coping. The distraction caused by the painful response of cutting (cutting being just one form of self-harming) enables an individual to relieve the pain of certain other feelings, it achieves a release, a distraction and also enables that individual to exert control in circumstances where they feel unable to exert control (or to the extent that would make them feel comfortable). Self-harming whilst a coping mechanism is regarded as a negative form of a coping mechanism.

Expression of feelings. Being able to ‘talk it out’ and ‘air your feelings’ is a coping mechanism also. The ability to talk to someone else who will just listen, even if they offer nothing in response or even just to talk to yourself about how you are feeling (be it generally or in relation to something specific) enables people to experience a sense of release, a lightening of a particular load and it often brings clarity in terms of understanding themselves and finding a way forward.

There are many coping mechanisms that humans deploy – some are conscious and others occur unconsciously.

Narcissism is one such coping mechanism and it is a powerful and invariably hugely effective, although its effectiveness does depend on the school of the narcissist and which particular outcome one is having regard to. The outcome of our narcissism is something that I shall address in a separate article.

Narcissism must maintain the construct (the false self) and imprison the creature (the true self).  Collectively this is the Self-Defence of the Narcissist. This Self-Defence is achieved through the The Prime Aims (fuel, character traits and residual benefits).

Central to this Self-Defence and the achievement of The Prime Aims is control. The narcissist must at all times have control of his or her environment and the people within that environment which of course includes you. Whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a colleague, a relative or a romantic partner. Whether you are a neighbour, a date, sister or brother, that man from the corner store or fiancée – you come within the fuel matrix of the narcissist and you have to be subjected to the control of the narcissist.

This control has to be exerted second by second of each and every day. Every passing moment must be owned and governed by the narcissist. We must exert control all around us, this has to be complete and total as if the very clouds were tethered by us. Why is that?

Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control.

That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed.

The combination of a genetic predisposition and the imposition of this lack of control created narcissism as the coping mechanism. These two ingredients combined and gave ‘birth’ to narcissism as a means of coping with the world, with the lack of control that the world causes for individuals. Many people have no issue with this lack of control, others have alternative coping mechanisms and then there is us – the narcissists. Around one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists in order to cope with this loss of control.

Narcissism allows the imposition of control through manipulation. The imposition of control allows us to achieve the Prime Aims. The achievement of the Prime Aims allows our Self-Defence and thus we survive and we thrive.

Narcissism is a coping mechanism.

People believe that abuse is the ingredient in the formation of a narcissist. It is an ingredient, yes, but there are two ingredients in the formation of our kind. The first ingredient is the genetic predisposition, if you will this is the fertile soil which provides the basis for the narcissism to grow and flourish. The second ingredient is the lack of control (of which abuse is part of that lack of control) and this is the ‘seed’ which is placed in the fertile soil of the genetic predisposition and thus narcissism ‘grows’ as the coping mechanism. For some, the soil is there but no seed ever arrives and thus no narcissist. For others, there is no soil but there is the seed, but again with one essential ingredient missing, there can be no narcissism.

Genetic predisposition plus lack of control (at a formative stage of life) equals narcissist.

What does this lack of control (at a formative stage of life – i.e. childhood) look like?

  • Abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological, any form of abuse towards us amounts to a lack of control. We could not defend ourselves against the abuse and therefore this is a lack of control, over ourselves and over those who meted out abusive harm towards us. The abuse is an act of commission – we were beaten, molested sexually, told we were useless, insulted etc.
  • Isolated. Whether this was being locked in a cupboard under the stairs, prevented from playing with other children, kept apart from other family members, not allowed to participate in group activities of any nature, given silent treatments and treated as if we did not exist, isolating and ostracising us in some form again constituted a lack of control. We were not able to control our own interactions, someone else did this for us and to our detriment. We were controlled by another and thus lacked control.
  • Neglect. Whilst there may not have been abusive acts of commission , there are abusive acts of omission. Therefore we were not given a safe environment, we were not taught effectively (be it about ‘facts’, relationships, behaviour, responsibility), we were not emotionally supported, we were not fed, clothed or protected, we were not shielded from an abuser of commission and/or we could roam where we wanted. Once again we were denied control over ourselves because we were not provided with the assets, resources and tools to achieve effective control over our lives and this neglect (lack of control) exposed us to hurt, pain, disease, injury, loneliness and/or acts of abuse through commission.
  • The Golden Child. Everything we did was lauded and praised. It was invariably held up as a glowing and shining example of brilliance, even when it was not or the praise was excessive for a valid achievement. This meant we lacked control in the sense of earning achievements in a valid fashion. We had greatness thrust upon us without being ready for it, without having earned it and without appreciating it. Everything came to us too easily and this also amounted to a lack of control. We had no control over the outcome from our endeavours, we felt no compulsion to achieve and apply endeavour because whatever we did (bad, mediocre or good) was met with accolade, praise and the lavishing of ‘how brilliant’. We were denied the ability to control our own destiny.
  • Shifting Sands. Where we experienced Shifting Sands we had a lack of control because the environment around us at that formative stage lacked constancy. One day the sun shone and the next day, even though everything else appeared to stay the same to us, there was a thunderstorm. On Monday our painting was declared to be ‘Rembrandt in the making’ (a la Golden Child) and by Friday our painting ‘was the work of a moron wielding a potato for a paintbrush’. The application of black and white thinking by the aggressor created an uncertain environment, one of push and pull, idealisation and devaluation and we had no control whatsoever on which version was going to appear to us. There was a lack of control in our lives through uncertainty, unpredictability and those shifting sands.
  • B Graders. ‘It’s good but not good enough.’ ‘You can do far better.’ ‘You are not trying hard enough.’ ‘You are letting yourself down but moreover you are letting me down.’ These phrases and those similar to it encapsulate the loss of control felt by those who are ‘The B Graders’. Each time the hill was climbed and the summit anticipated, another hill suddenly appeared. The effort was okay, decent enough, acceptable but never that which met with approval. Keep going, learn more, be faster, swim stronger, climb higher, shine brighter. There was no control because we were never allowed a moment to settle, to cherish that which had been achieved and to reflect. We could not establish our own parameters of achievement and satisfaction but instead we were always beholden to the standards of another which ultimate proved to be unobtainable standards and thus we had no control.
  • The Facsimile. We were shaped to be precisely like the aggressor. Sometimes this was entirely at the behest of the aggressor and sometimes we saw how this individual behaved and decided ‘I want that power also’ (usually unconsciously but sometimes, such as was the case for me – consciously). Whilst you may think a conscious decision to copy the aggressor and thus seize power was a form of control, it was not – this was actually a product of the already establishing narcissism and thus a symptom rather than a cause. Where the aggressor caused us to be moulded just like them – forming our opinions, our views, our behaviours, our likes and dislikes, what we wore, what we ate, where we went, what we did and in some instances alongside this there was an unconscious decision to mimic and copy those behaviours and characteristics, we were once again denied control.

Thus, whether we came from an impoverished background, a gilded background, a seemingly run-of-the-mill background, any of those environments had the potential to cause a lack of control in our lives. Take this lack of control and add it to the genetic predisposition and thus our coping mechanism of narcissism was given birth to.

Narcissism became our way of coping with the world.

Narcissism allowed us to exert control.

A lack of control equates to a lack of power.

A lack of control equates to  being vulnerable.

A lack of control equates to being weak.

A lack of control equates to being worthless, meaningless and unimportant.

When we lack control, we start to fade and will no longer exist.

A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then.

This must never happen for too long and thus we were formed from this lack of control adding to our genetic predisposition and in order to survive and thrive we must never, ever lack control for if this persists, well, then, it ends.

We must have absolute control. And that means absolute control over you, him, her, them but most of all YOU.

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43 Comments

  1. This article is a very thin veneer of rationalization and devoid of integrity. It puts a plastic coating on the actual choice someone like this IS making. It appears to flout even a semblance, an iota of a persons ONGOING choice. It also is quite vacant in depicting the hurt the CHOICE of actions someone chooses. Most unfortunate you espouse a formula for these monsters to Rationalize their evil.

    1. Irene, I understand your ET and desire for accountability, but science to date confirms BOTH heritability and behavioral influence are required to ignite genes involved in narcissism and APD.

      It is commonly accepted in the fields of medicine, psychology, genetics, epigenetics, and the behavioral sciences that narcissism is due to a combination of genetics and environment. If a child has at least one set of genes from a parent of a narcissist and is raised in in an environment conducive to igniting those genes, the defense mechanism of narcissism is adopted as a means of survival of the child. The mother of the child (scientifically speaking) has the greatest behavioral influence on the child and a lack of attunement and/or abuse by the mother causes significant development disturbance. The mothers influence is so great it can literally affect the structure of the brain from the amygdala to prefrontal cortex via the development or lack of development of synapses. Even in non NPD people, the mothers attunement between the ages of 0-3 is determinative of of many psychological outcomes.

      Think of it this way, when the brain has the genetic predisposition and abuse creates a lack of control to the point a child must adopt a defense mechanism (gene activation) to survive, NPD is ignited. This defense is so complete it becomes a filter through which all else is experienced and interpreted by the brain. Therefore every choice a narcissist makes is made in support of and due to the narcissistic defense.

      I have read a great deal of research in this area of study, so if you have specific questions, I can point to scholarly studies that support these statements. Hope this helps.

      1. FYC
        I very much appreciate your explanations. You break it down in small chunks that are easy to understand. At times, any further interest I have branching off to other areas has been hampered, and in some cases halted, due to having to wade through pages of boring medical jargon that causes me to fade to black. I guess I lost a bunch of those cells you were speaking of haha. So again, thank you.

        Your handle FYC is so polite, elegant and appropriate, so it suits you, but just so you know – I nicknamed you Cliff Notes lol.

        1. Lol and thank you for your kindness, NA, you are most welcome.

          What would I do without your humor? Even when I do not comment, know that thousands of miles away you have literally made me laugh out loud (several times today already, given the latest seagull thread, oh and the Truth comment–I missed that one before your comment). Can’t thank you enough for your humor. I read all of your comments.

          It appears Irene not only disrespects HG and his intelligent works, she disrespects the American flag. Hopefully she will reconsider both.

          Sincerely, CN aka FYC

    2. Irene – I couldn’t disagree more with not only your assessment but your deprecatory tone as well. This is an excellent description of those of us with insecure attachment (research attachment theory).

      So many people pat themselves on the shoulder for how healthy they are and dismiss that it’s mostly luck. I’m so tired of hearing this entitled crap.

      Our choices are seen based on our lifelong experiences. You can’t choose what you don’t see or understand. When you are abandoned, abused and neglected as a child no one shows you how to be healthy. Would you expect me to know a language I’ve never heard before?

      What HG is eloquently bringing to light here [tip of the hat] is tragic. If you think there is true joy and peace in being damaged to this extent then you are more likely to be the depraved one here. To be wholly consumed by your defense mechanisms is a living hell; a bottomless pit of insatiable need. Hardly a walk in the park when your life feels like a battleground.

      Some buckle and become suicidal drug addicts, some spend decades in therapy because they’ve heard the other language and want in the conversation, others play the dog eat dog game. Some become the top dogs. Some have hearts that are too big to be the top dog but can be when needed 😉.

      People who think they are entirely a product of their own making are delusional. Instead of attacking, you should be compassionate and damn grateful that you weren’t dealt those cards.

      Your harsh judgement betrays your fear. What separates you from HG isn’t as wide as you think… What does your need to demonize a living being say about you?

  2. Your genetic predisposition rationale is never adequately accounted for in the article…..although it is 1/2 of the entire supposition of cause.

  3. My dad had the situation where his mother praised him and gave him everything at the expense of his younger siblings. He was the first born and she almost lost him to illness, so that’s why she did it. As far as I know, though, that was it; no abuse. My mother didn’t suffer any abuse, but she was more active than her parents, more curious, wanted more, but she was obedient and my grandmother was awesome. I have no idea if any of my other antecedents were narcs, only my dad

    I suffered abandonment at his hands. I did what narcs do. I splintered: imprisoned the creature and became someone else. This someone else was very narcissistic. Man, some of the things I did to people I loved. Mixed it with religion, too, which added a nice level of obnoxiousness at some points in my life.

    A friend found this imprisoned one for me. I can’t describe it, what it was like seeing her. She was this pretty little girl in a dress standing behind a brick wall. I didn’t even give her a chair. And as I abused her life while she was bricked in, I heaped all of the pain upon her, and she bore it. She took it all and remained standing.

    That was about 10 years ago. I let her out and she started to grow. Eventually I know there will only be her, but for now she still needs me. I still protect her. The narcissist was her first love. I didn’t know what a narc was, I just knew this amazing man wanted to hang out with me, and I was amazing with him.

    It is quite bizarre to have a separate “me” inside growing up while I am a full grown woman. The narc was her first love, but he was my third husband. I was not always an empath. I was not always a narcissist. I have both of their powers. I have found that the best way to control others and my environment is to have control of myself.

    The Greatest Empath enabled the friend who found the girl and I am still being saved.

    I evidently have the genetic predisposition and I was a splintered narc most of my life so far. It is possible to heal. It isn’t possible to earn forgiveness from everyone you hurt, but it is possible to change.

  4. I like how you dragged Winnicott into this! I think it’s a far more concise and accessible way of explaining false self if one is familiar with your previous writing about the creature.

  5. Oh, HG, a legit tour de force! You are one of the few people speaking sense about NPD. First, you highlight the key role genetics plays in the development of NPD. Something survivors consistently leave out, often as a way to continue to feel sympathy for their own Narc. Then, you superbly highlight several types of ‘abuse’ that often get overlooked by survivors and the therapeutic community. Being overpraised IS abuse, exactly as you say. The way you describe the interplay between genetics and abuse is impressive. I have often thought that of all of my siblings, I have the genetic disposition and, but for my mother’s powerful intervention against the abuse, I too would have been a Narc.
    HG, what do you think is the role of choice in the years that narcissism is forming? Is one who is genetically predisposed and experiencing abuse fated to end up as a Narc? What other coping options exist for such a person? Are there any?
    P.S. I do sincerely hope you are working in some capacity with the mainstream mental health community. Your voice and insight is absolutely invaluable.

    1. Thank you J.

      If the GPD is there alongwith the LOCE then narcissism will be the outcome.

  6. I’m only half way through but I needed to stop and comment. This is such an easy explanation and a perfect article for me to share. Any empath can understand and will probably take comfort in this. It’s the “why?” Thank you!

  7. This really struck me HG because I went through all of your points as a child, you could have been talking about my past. However, I came out it with Borderline Personality Disorder and as a very codependent empath. I share the need for control, except for me it came out as chronic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I too have a creature that holds the truth and fight for control to keep it submerged, but yet I am almost too empathic-I feel people’s pain to such a degree that it feels like mine and I lose sight of where I end and the other person begins.

    Have you ever looked at the comparisons between the two personality disorders? Do our similarities explain why borderlines are so often targets of narcissists? Do you understand us particularly well so we are easy?

  8. This is why narcicissists never reach true happiness bc you can never have “complete” control. There are so many factors in life that are beyond our control but the npd makes them think and feel they are in control until something upsets the applecart. I think of the big C and ive seen thru my line of work narcissists get diseases like cancer. They are so lost and struggle to deal with that lose of control. Some fall into a depression, some thrive on the support and attention and some are dirty angels and try to put themselves center stage in some sort of survivor situation or for fighting the battle but in the end the reality is they couldnt completely control what was happening to them. They lie to themselves believing everything is in their control thats npd in itself. Its compartmentalization of the truth npd.

  9. I believe when the soil is missing but some of these factors (seeds) you listed are present, The Codependent is born. Would you agree ?

    1. Do feel a sense of familiarity with a codependent or is there one school that feel more drawn and comfortable with a codependent because honestly when you describe some of your behavior and or feelings or lack there of I sort of get it so to speak

      Something I think people misinterpret and I see repeatedly is this thing about you not having the right to treat people this way. It’s not a right it’s who you are you know nothing different! You have no concept of what it’s like to not be a Narcissist. You have no idea what that would feel like for you. You know what it looks like for others but you do know what it feels like. It’s like asking the blind man to see. I can cognitively. know and understand how to not be codependent but actually doing it is a far different matter when it’s ingrained in me

  10. It doesn’t give you the right to treat people like shit! If you want to compare our abuse then so be it but I never treated someone badly because I was, I’m confused??,,

    1. You had a different method of coping with that abuse to us. Our response was the formation of narcissism (because of the allying of the genetic predisposition and the LOCE). You had the LOCE but evidently not the GPD, hence you did not become a narcissist.

      It is not about ‘the right’ it is about an ingrained and necessary self-defence mechanism.

    2. Hello Denise,
      Everyone who experienced trauma in their dysfunctional family of origin develops defence mechanisms, whether it is damaging others, damaging themselves (addictions, some flight/freeze behaviours) or both.
      Not only narcissists treat others badly. People-pleasers who say yes to everything the narcissist says and do to protect themselves, will indirectly damage a third person in the group who does not agree with the narcissist.
      A mother, who cannot stand being alone and has to be in a romantic relationship no matter what, will not care if her partner abuses her daughter.

  11. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and views. I remember the first time you mentioned narcissism as a defence mechanism. It started to make sense.

  12. Found this gem… A full 18 months before the discard… He was engaged 3 months after he broke up with me. Dick.

    What a gem of a person :)

    I’m writing to tell you that I can’t be with someone who manipulates and threatens me.
    I will not tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone, and even though I dearly love you, I must let you go.
    I regret nothing, and I know you are an amazing, generous, sweet, and kind woman. Exactly the kind of woman I could see spending the rest of my life with and enjoying fun adventures together. I planned on being with you forever.
    I know that you are full of pain, and I wish there was something I could do. But we both know this is a road you must travel alone.
    I love you very much Mai, and I always will. I’ll always cherish my memories of you.
    I’m so sorry it had to end this way.

    1. I never want to see you again. EVER.
      I hate you because you play games. Nothing about you is real, and I realize that now.
      I said you’re a psycho because you ARE psycho. I was in the wrong about many things, and I know I have a lot to work on. I apologize from the bottom of my heart that I hurt you. But you’ve displayed a pattern of craziness that is very disturbing and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.
      Remember when I said I figured you out when we first met? It was because I knew then that you’re psychologically unstable. I honestly believe you lied about being raped, and that you’re not who you pretend to be. I knew it then, and I know it now.
      So stop the bullshit. I’m not going to waste one more second of my life on an absolute fraud like you.
      This is me being real for once.
      Of course I enjoyed you, but I always knew it would never last. Perhaps I enjoy inflicting pain on myself. But Mai, I never want to see you’re face again. I think it’s best that we not waste any more of our lives on this lie.
      I want to be single for awhile before I meet the love of my life. I need to get this bitter, awful taste out of my mouth. I want to throw up right now.
      Enjoy your Dallas trip. I won’t be taking part in it. Not now, not ever again.
      You should be relieved, I know I am.

      And this….

      I don’t think the word “Love” means that what you think it means.
      People who love one another show it by acting kindly and respectfully towards each other.
      You do realize that even if we don’t break up, that what we have is empty and adversarial anyway, right?
      Why would anyone want to live that way? I know I don’t.
      I’ve got people blowing me up right now, and I have to get everything done so I can enjoy the few people left in my life who actually love me and treat me accordingly.
      You seem like you’re not that interested in changing. Ok, that’s fine.
      I don’t have anything else to say about this.
      Let’s just move on now.

      I’m posting these fragments as a touchstone for others…. same playbook…. same notes…. same fucktard.

      I have come so far in 9 months…. I am literally reading these emails with eyes bugging out thinking “how the fuck did I fall for this manipulative bullshit for so long? The sex wasn’t THAT good “ lol

      Stay strong survivors!

  13. I have both the predisposition genetically and abuse of all kinds my parents did everything To break me every type of abuse you can think of and then I’m sure they made some up just for me I never gave up it took a long time but I finally got rid of them you helped me with that Honey
    Without you I don’t think I would’ve actually truly understood everything that had happened now I have a much better understanding and i can’t begin to express how grateful I am for that
    I still believe there is a cure for your kind but also for mine there has to be a middle ground we can find I don’t want a coping mechanism I’ve tried all of those the temporary fix I want a cure and I will find a

    1. 1. You don’t have the genetic predisposition otherwise you’d be a Narcissist given the fact you endure a LOCE.
      2. There is no cure. Narcissism defends itself against any attempt to remove it.

      1. There’s a lot of narcissism in my family I was the punching bag in every way do you think I am a narcissist You’ve said on many occasions that narcissist don’t necessarily know what they are Sometimes I question it myself I value your opinion I would never intentionally hurt anyone but if I am narcissist I need to know so I can do something about it

        1. Same here, I suffered the abuse and narcissism runs in my family, so it’s all there. Why some become co-dependent (like Rachel or myself) and others become narcissists (like HG and my younger brother) or borderline (like my older brother) also has to do with the presence / or absence of nurturing influences from within the family and outside of it. My theory still is that Rachel became co-dependent because HG was there and let her idealise him. I was able to idealise my older brother (even though he too abused me); I had kind teachers.

          There are theorists who say narcissism CAN be modified / cured if the narcissist is willing. It is less of a cure rather than a healthy management of the condition. Narcissism is an addiction (to fuel as HG calls it) – not unlike alcoholism. Alcoholism can also not be cured in a sense – but you can become dry and lead an emotionally balanced life if you address the issues that caused the addiction in the first place. It is no surprise that co-dependents hook up with narcissists and alcoholics or a combo of both (as I did) – because they usually experienced similar structures of emotional abuse.

          It requires self-awareness for narcissists to change though, and not many people with NPD have it (sometimes it comes with breakdown), on top of that it requires some sort of willingness to accept guidance, and not many narcissists can develop this because it feels like loss of control. They can once they feel that nothing can be lost in trying (usually also after breakdown). As goes the theory I heard from my splendid analyst.

          Perhaps HG can find the key to a cure without breakdown.

      2. As I wrote in my other comment, I understand and agree with narcissism as a defence mechanism.

        As for those two theories (genetic predisposition to develop a NPD and the Creature as the True Self), they are not shared by all professionals in the field.
        What if they were proven wrong? What if you realized there is nothing wrong with your genetics and that your (dormant) inner essence or Self is actually good? That the Creature is not your enemy but just an exiled part that holds memories and sensations from the trauma?
        Your doctors’ views seem to prove that Matrinarc is right. What if Matrinarc’s view -that you are inherently evil – was wrong? Would this be upseting?
        (If you do not wish to publish or answer these questions, I understand, HG.)

        1. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with my genetics, they are right for me.
          MatriNarc’s view is her opinion, there is no objective standard for ‘good’ or for ‘evil’ is it subjective. I use the term to describe my behaviours (some of them) as evil because this is what the majority perception deems them to be and thus I use a description which they are familiar with for the purposes of effective communication. I do not want readers to get hung up on the argument about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but understand that what they regard as ‘right’ for them, is ‘wrong’ for the narcissist and then what they need to do to address that.
          Thank you for your observations EB.

          1. You are welcome, HG. Glad to know you are aware that there is nothing wrong with your genetics because this is not exactly what doctors mean when they speak about genetic predisposition to develop a NPD.

            I found your article enlightening and thought-provoking, not only for me but especially for those psychologists and therapists with a biased, narrow view of NPD.

        1. Hello Caron, You are composed of half of your mothers genes and half of your fathers. If either is a narcissist you have an even chance of having the genes involved in narcissism. The genes alone do not dictate behavior.

          Your mother plays the greatest role in influence on your environment from the ages of 0-3 when the expression of genes occur and at the same time the brain is developing synapses at an accelerated rate (At birth we have 100 billion neurons. Between ages 0-3 we develop synapses (connections for communication between neurons) accelerate in growth from 2500 per neuron to 15,000 per neuron—exponential development.

          When children experience physical or emotional stress or trauma, cortisol is released. High levels of cortisol can cause brain cells to die. This reduces the connections between the cells in certain areas of the brain, harming the vital brain circuits. In other words, the wiring of the house can be severely damaged or miswired if a child is exposed to repeated and longtime stress with out the assistance of a caring adult. Babies with strong, positive emotional bonds to their caregivers show consistently lower levels of cortisol in their brains. (Shonkoff et al, 200)

          1. Ty, FYC. I splintered when I was 4. Had the double abandonment, because my dad left and my mom had to go to work. In the 70’s, when women couldn’t make nearly as much as men. She had three kids. My sister was 9 and blocked out her childhood. My brother became a drug addict and behaved like a narc. I lost my identity and the person I became was a player, but I never touched drugs or alcohol. If I am now fighting my genetic predisposition for gaining weight during the end of my fertility and winning, then narcs can fight their genetic predisposition to be douchebags. We are meant to overcome. I’ve had help. I am no longer a narc.

  14. That’s hilarious cause I only make decisions with the knowledge that I only control 80% of life, the other 20% is uncontrollable. However, both are “manageable”. People are manageable. The first mistake of anyone is living in a worldview that they can control their environment.

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