Ask The Question
You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.
“You look really well,you have lost weight.”
“That skirt really suits you.”
“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”
“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”
“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”
She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.
“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”
“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”
“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”
“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”
She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,
“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”
She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is your mind today?”
“What’s going on upstairs?”
Repeatedly throughout the day, as we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.
All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?
One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.
“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”
I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.
After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask
“What are you thinking about”
She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?
50 thoughts on “Ask The Question”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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This may be a stupid question, but why didn’t you save her instead? At least start her on the road to recovery like you do us. All of your immense intelligence and cognitive empathy, and the best you could come up with is to attack her where she was weak? Breaking people is easy. Healing them is much, much harder.
Good read, though, as usual.
So true! Did you just challenge HG to quit breaking people? And do what requires more energy!
“it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning”
HG, You just reminded me of another interesting characteristic of my ex-narc. Uncanny. You should start a blog on this topic. Lillith
Sophie …out of all the victims ive felt the most sorry for its her. Most would look at her as a goody two shoes but i see a woman whose been traumatized and has been compartmentalizing to survive. She lives in fear and covers it up with a veneer of happiness and positivity while deep down has low self esteem and is deeply afraid of conflict. She never wants to rock the boat but within there is turmoil and its constantly trying to be kept calm beneath the surface.
I know many would find her fake or annoying but id embrace her as a friend. She probably desperately needed a real friend and one that gave back as much as she put out to please people. Someone that helped her to feel she mattered and deserved compliments as well.
Sophie really stands out to me bc ive had aspects of her in me so i can sympathise.
So no, none of these weirdos fighting me on here with their “opinions” matter to me at all.
The Fukashima earthquake messed up Japan and killed a lot of people. I am tired of trying to save lives. Many of these people have earned hell.
Pamela, I’m sorry that whatever happened to you in the past happened. I can’t imagine what you experienced where you have learned to come out swinging as a means to protect yourself. I hope you can find true peace internally.
Many on here have been through hell. I don’t know what you mean by “earn.” I know I was not a blind victim for either; I saw red flags and rationalized them. I chose to stay in each relationship, to come back each time each ended, and then chose to not be the best form of who I was supposed to be in actions or words (there is many reason I have thought of myself a narcissist). Want to know an extra WTF? I have not gone anywhere near no contact with my ex husband; and I don’t have the second one blocked although we no longer communicate. Any hurt or emotional pain is on me since I don’t do what I need to do to “save” myself. Is that what you mean by “earned?”
If your role in this blog was try to “save” HG or readers, then I can understand your frustration. I know family and friends felt the same way with me each time they wanted to help but I didn’t listen. A saying I have heard, and hate, is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You may never be able to “save” someone on this site as no one may need your assistance in that way. Or you may look at it a different way in that a constructive response to someone in pain may help them build on their internal strength to help themselves.
Don’t worry about turning in to the type of reader you perceive to be worshipping HG. You know your limits; you recognize he is a narcissist; and you choose to come and go on this site. Maybe one day you will be thankful and appreciative of what he has provided that you chose to use for whatever means you needed. Being appreciative does not equal worshipping. There is a clear line.
Psst! You want to know what I am thinking?
I’ll tell you. I am wondering if I have dug too deep spiritually to the point that I could trigger the apocalypse. It’s gotta start somewhere. Israel wants their ark and their Temple, but ain’t no way YHWH is giving it up to those Ba’al worshipping shits. No, someone who’s been in contact with Him will be the person He chooses to go get that golden box out of that cave without killing them.
Before I cared about putting it off, but after being harassed by nutters who want me to choose Lucifer and become a Satanist has pissed me off to no end.
It’s just the talk in the super deep Christian circles about the Bible, prophecy, and what should we do. You know, we who dig too deep into psuedo religious stuff tend to have to slough our way throuhg BS and tripe to get to what is ACTUALLY being said and what is unfolding….SO, say there is Climate Change and it’s getting worse, the one thing I can derive from the Greek is that the only people who’ll survive are Christians and the saccrificing sht eaters won’t..
But this is only an educated assumption. I need to conduct another Greek exegesis on certain Greek mythologies again and the Greek New Testament.
But I am so pissed right now with the government and Tony Robbins pushing me with “Lucifer” that I may just want to watch it all burn.
The only thing you’ve dug too deep is the hole you’re standing in.
She should lay in it. I would be kind enough to shovel the dirt over top of her and put her out of her misery!
Ha ha.
FM1T
Ok I admit I had to laugh at that. Your kinder then I would have been…….I would have shown her, her personal mirror first then pushed her in.
Haha! Love it!
FM1T, where’s the empathy, girlfriend? 😳
MB
More like FM1T compassion has been paused……Her ability to place herself in another’s shoes and understand what another is feeling is working just fine
I am extremely proud of FM1T in her ability to use what HG has taught her and trust her own instincts.
Twilight and FM1T, I know she was kidding about the dirt shoveling. It was cute. And what does Tony Robbins have to do with it? I must admit I’m a bit confused.
MB
I knew you were, Tony Robbins?
Twilight, that post about Greek and apocalypse and Tony Robbins. I tried to make sense of it, I really did.
MB
Apparently I nodded off due to a lack of substance and missed that.
I save that for people who deserve it MB. She bad mouthed my family! Gloves off!!
FM1T, you go girl!
Haha—it’s funny to hear you speak this way. I like it.
It really takes a lot to bring that out in me Claire, but when it’s out, then it’s on!!!
Holy shit! Could someone please send a copy of Exorcise to Pamela?
Haha! That person is so strange I almost question if they are real.
“I am wondering if I have dug too deep spiritually to the point that I could trigger the apocalypse. “
That is a serious “god complex” you have that could trigger an apocalypse due to your spirituality
Magical thinking right there, Twilight.
Most definitely HG.
I think you may be triggering your own egocalypse.
Now that made HG chortle.
Ah ha! You do find relatable things funny 🙌🏻🙂 (this goes back to a previous comment I wrote on an article where you address your outlook on humour) that’s great! Humor is the best.
lisk, that is hilarious. I need to implement that term into my daily life.
I know this is rude but I can’t help but ask what In the hell did I just read? I don’t know—Lucifer, climate change.. It’s bizarre or am I just tired? Loose associations?
You just read word vomit. Don’t try to take it in. Right after “Psst! You wanna know what I am thinking?” it would have been more accurate to have witnessed empty bubbles.
Just befuddled. Makes no sense.
Claire
I think that was a word salad; they usually cause headaches.
K, Word salad on drugs or schizophrenic rant? Seriously concerned it might be the latter.
FYC
Ha ha ha…either way my was head was beginning to ache after I read the comment. WTF!
Bipolar?
Claire
Pssst…one of “you know who’s kind”.
But so bizarre..
Claire
Ha ha ha… pay attention to the back and forth and watch and learn. At first it seems very bizarre but then you have an: Ah ha, moment! And then it all makes sense.
Pamela
Why are you trying to fight with everyone I mean this kindly.
Are you under the influence of something.
Kiki
Yes Kiki, under the influence of Tony Robbins.
Fuel and control Kiki.
Let me try.
Pamela, if you are a TI, you are in the wrong blog. HG’s blog is about narcissism, not any of the things you mentioned.
Anyway the apocalypse is already happening. Apocalypse means unveiling. Here in America many things have been exposed, like planned parenthood for the chop shop it is, the clintons who assassinate whenever they want, the news reporters for the propagandists they are, our politicians who hate America and have extremely low intelligence, and much much more. More is to come, both on a personal level and at the national and global levels. Those who eat excrement and sacrifice children will also be exposed. The end times go on for a long time. Ultimately every knee shall bow and every tongue confess…so we need have no fear.
The enemy has been trying to control God to trigger scorched earth all along, and if he is unable to, why do you think you can? Don’t worry. This is the time of picking a side. Dial it back a bit and take some deep breaths. If you have to dig that deeply, it’s likely you are relying on your own understanding. Ask for the Spirit. That’s how you discover truth. Digging seems to be fruitless for you, as it hasn’t presented you with anything comprehensible to say, and you aren’t even saying it in the appropriate place.
Breathe, sister. It is all under control.
“Of an apocalyptic tone recently adopted on narcsite”…
What an annoying twit. Of all your victims, she just grates on my nerves,
Haha ! No way I think it’s awesome she was So non reactive 🤣 my bf comes home smelling of other women I will begin marking my territory with jealous tirades 🤣 can’t believe she just let it slide!
Good for her. I hope she is still sprinkling sunshine everywhere she goes.
Annoying as she and her defense mechanisms were, I feel very sad for her. She must have been seriously abused to have to have gone into such deep denial.
Bibi
You’re not alone there, but when I say stuff like that it’s not received well.