Poll : How Did You First Find Out About Narcissism?

KTN Poll - H.G Wants To Know Post Graphic

Hello, this time I would like you to share your experience of how you first came to know about narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Did you happen to know about the disorder prior to your entanglement with one of our kind? Did you talk to someone about the odd behaviours you were experiencing with your intimate partner or family member and they suggested what that person may well be? Perhaps you could not work out why you get receiving silent treatments or why your brother went into sudden rages and your internet research eventually brought you to the door of narcissism.

Thereafter you will no doubt have filled your boots reading, watching and learning from various sources, but that is for a different poll. Today is about what caused that light bulb to switch on that very first time?

Please do expand on your experience and perhaps include where you went down the wrong route before learning the reality, in the comment section.

Thank you for participating.


How did you FIRST find out about narcissism/narcissistic personality disorder?

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155 thoughts on “Poll : How Did You First Find Out About Narcissism?

  1. moxiesstone says:

    Mine told me a story about a friend calling his X a wolf in sheep’s clothing and how she reacted. Later he was projecting and triangulating so I researched to see what was wrong with her, quickly figured out it was him!

  2. Abe Moline says:

    I was already in some sort of no contact with her when I found out about narcissism.
    There is various information on the internet on how to heal a broken heart (infatuation), and seems general agreement is 3 weeks of no contact should do it. So I was doing that (incorrectly, but still…).

    Then an article about narcissism came up in a feed I was getting updates from, and I decided to read it. I think I saw some titles before, but ignored them because I had a totally silly image of what narcissism is. That was the moment it clicked. I started listening on youtube stuff about narcissism, taking notes and comparing with her behavior and with my behavior (because I thought I was one too – I long suspected something is wrong with me too, I always felt a lack o empathy within me in certain situations, and even now I am not sure what it is).

    Up to this point, I did not know about HG and his work. Somehow I avoided his youtube channel. Then I wanted to buy a book on amazon about the subject, just to get some structured information. I found HG’s books and somehow I decided (reading the comments) that maybe a more down to earth approach is better than Sam Vankin’s (which seemed kind of theoretical). So I bought one book, and then another and another… When I came to narcsite, I already read maybe 5 or 10 books of HG…

    So it was actually a very fortunate (and convoluted) chain of events bringing me here. 🙂

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Abe M
      Well we are glad that you did arrive here. I appreciate your straight forward comments and your humour. Did you leave reviews for the books so that others may be inspired as you were?

      1. Abe Moline says:


        Thank you for your words and for the suggestion.

        No, I did not leave reviews. I have never done that (I think, on any site), I’m very low profile on any kind of social media anyway except here, and I had no idea how the review system works on Amazon. For example, I just now noticed that you can change your visible name to something else than your real name, so I think I’ll give it a try. But I have around 15 HG books and I read them a few months ago… it will take me a while 🙂.

        But I promise I’ll do it at least for a few of them.

        I don’t have Smeared and plan on getting it soon, so probably will start with that one. I also want to re-read others I already have.

        Seems since I discovered this blog I don’t have time to (re)read the books anymore, it’s always something new and interesting happening here… 🙂

        1. T says:

          When he began to change and become violent, the ghosting, the line up of other women. I began to look Google things about abuse and discovered the term gaslighting and everything fit. Then I found HG. I’m very happy I did. I’m still a mess, but now I know what be is so I can discover ways to protect myself. Every once and a while I commit no contact suicide, also mainly to find out where he is. And I’m still not over the golden period, but as time goes by I get more pissed off at him for treating me like dog shit. Working it out in therapy. On some antidepressants. We all have to do what we have to to find a way to heal. I know I’ll never be the same person, but learning to pick up the pieces. Question; I’d love to hear about how others are healing from what you’ve all went through. Thanks, T

          1. Kathleen says:

            T, you can find a lot of information about how people dealt with things by reading the comments after many of the essays HG has written. It’s really hard to wrap your mind around the fact that people with this mental disorder do not operate from the same place that we do. We keep trying to apply our Goodnature onto their existence… And things don’t make sense because they aren’t operating from a sense of remorse or empathy or conscience .
            Once I grasped that and understood fuel and the false self that they are defensively protecting all the time… Everything makes sense… It was a sad realization that I shouldn’t take it personally… Which meant I had to accept that none of the positive things the narc doled out should be taken personally either. I am sure the new replacement is receiving the same behavior I experienced. It might be slightly different scenarios but the narcissist runs the relationship. And those of us in it are trying to continuously plug the holes of a leaky bucket. Good luck on getting away. It takes a long time because there are physiological changes and dopamine is released when it shouldn’t be with a narcissist. Leading to trauma bonding… And that’s hard to break. We want to believe so badly that they care about us But they’re just acting.

          2. MB says:

            Kathleen, I like the way you put that. Enjoyed reading it.

          3. MB says:

            T, is this “Hawaii, torn rotator cuff” T? Or a different T?

          4. NarcAngel says:

            That crossed my mind also because I have thought about her.

          5. MB says:

            NA, I’ve thought about her also. It will be nice to see how she’s doing if it’s her. She’s indicated she’s engaging with the Narc. And I think we all know how I feel about that piece of trash.

            If not, we will make a new friend named T.

  3. mai51 says:

    For both narcs I realised by googling symptoms.

    They both presented very differently.

    The first Narc used gaslighting as his main manipulation. I remember finding this technique and emailing him a link to the disorder. His reply? “ Glad to see you’re still thinking of me you cow”

    The second narc literally couldn’t handle any criticism…. no matter how lovingly it was conveyed. He had admitted he has adult ADHD, which caused me to google symptoms. This led me to a disorder called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria…. all his symptoms fit the two disorders (and they are co-morbid, so I assumed that was why he was who he was)

    It wasn’t until post discard, I really started reading…

    I spent a lot of time on “victim” websites, and they were incredibly unhelpful…. but quite a few mentioned Sam and HG’s websites.

    I never clicked with Sam’s website but this one has been a life saving, game changer.

    Thank you H.G.

    Mai x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  4. WendyRhoades says:

    My father told me since I was little that my big brother was honorably discharged from the military due to a military psychologist diagnosing him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This I found out later was a complete lie, but I grew up believing my brother had the disorder. My brother is a bit of a fuck but pretty harmless. My father was the real Narc, but since I had been told my brother was one for so long when he really isn’t, I had a lot of trouble identifying real narcissism into adulthood.

    A therapist who had never met my father told me he was a narcissist. I had trouble believing it. Honestly the writing here and the consult I got with HG has made it impossible not to see. It was the tipping point that made me believe in my father’s narcissism.

    1. LC says:

      Hi Wendy, I found your story most interesting – reminds me a bit about my matrinarc. I remember a scene vividly where she beat my older brother to pulp, well she was trying to at any rate. He was fighting back though, they were both rolling across the kitchen floor. I was angry with my brother for “provoking” her (he hadn’t done anything wrong, she just wasn’t happy with his homework, as always).

      He was ten, I was 3. Already then I knew it would be best to tread on eggshells. But my inner defence was such that I had to protect my mother, not my brother. My mother was clearly the narc. Not my brother. But at the time I thought he was the crazy one. I might be forgiven, I was only three and she was supposed to be the one who cared for me. So I can relate to your story about unmasking your dad only late and with outside help.

      My brother suffered of course, he became a borderliner. Not sure what my dad was. A decent normal I think.

      But Wendy, what’s with the name???? Isn’t that a horrid person you’re naming yourself after? (Haven’t watched the series though just picked something up about it….)

  5. JustEmpath says:

    Of course I knew that NPD exissists before I met my narc but it wasn’t interesting topic at that point so I didn’t research it much. I just knew there are narcissists in this world who are grandiose assholes. I didn’t know how dangerous they are.

    Everything had changed when I met my narc but not because of his abuse but earlier. He was giving me some clues from the very beginning and he pushed me to start the research. How? Let me tell you.

    1. He was a mid range and I met him when he was really low on fuel. Bad point in his life. So he was seducing me by pity ploys. He told me he is depressed and he attends therapy to cure his depression and to learn to love because he lost his girlfriend.

    2. I don’t know if this therapy story was true or not but definetely I started to think there was something wrong with him. He even told me he might be a sociopath but his doctors help him to manage this so I shouldn’t worry about it. Oh God, who seduces a girl by telling her he has some big issues with relationahips and might be a sociopath?!

    3. Soon, when he knew I am still intrigued and interested he took back the sociopathy story. He started to claim he is perfectly normal and his problems are always caused by others. He was very interested in psychology, no matter who we were talking about, he was always diagnosing others. His interest in disorders was odd. So naturally I started to wonder why a “normal guy” see disorders everywhere? Normally people say about others “he is a-hole. She is a b*ch”. But not him. He used terms like sociopaths, borderlines a lot.

    4. Once we were talking about my ex, our relationship and our break up. And BOOM. He says: your ex was a narcissist. I ask: why do you think so, you don’t know him. And he says: because from what you say, after a break up you tried hard to get his attention and make him jaleous. It is typical when you are ex of a narcissist”.

    Well, he wasn’t right, my ex wasn’t a narcissist and it is normal that girl, esp young wants to make her ex jaleous and it doesn’t mean a thing esp about her ex but I think it was a nice dose of projection.

    5. When he started my devaluation, I only added the dots. It was super easy, he gave me so many clues. Because we talked so much about disorders it was natural for me to start the research when his manipulative and abusive behaviours begun.

    6. I have read some articles about NPD and I knew it was him. Everything made a perfect sense. I just didn’t understand why he was giving me those clues – he should hide it, right?

    Now I know. He wasn’t a sociopath. He was a mid range narcissist who didn’t know what he is and who didnt believe his own stories. He just wanted to feel important, validated, interesting. Probably someone in the past accused him of being narcissist or sociopath so he was using these terms in his manipulations never truly believieng to have these issues. That’ a real narcissistic paranoia.

  6. candacemarie1212 says:

    It was the day after I dumped my ex narc. We had a fight and he said he would listen to what I had to say. That night on the phone it was a different story. He was yelling and blaming me for everything . I was so sick of this behavior , I told him not to call or text me again The next day I went online to research his dumb and annoying behavior . The word narcissist came up. I was thinking that I already knew what a narcissist was, a person who loves themselves too much . I read it anyway and point by point my ex fit the description. So that is when I started watching you tube videos .

  7. DEMBunny says:

    Many years ago I had a brief fling w what I now would categorize as very likely a MMR cerebral. Strangest man I ever met. Defin on the sociopathic end of the scale. I noticed his eyes were empty. Others noticed the same and his odd social behaviour. I googled some trait or other and found my answer.
    Oddly enough it would be a decade (and three more narc affairs) later before my MMR Elite prompted me to research narcissism further – and found HG. Since THEN I’ve filled my boots with REAL knowledge on NPD

  8. Carly says:

    How’d I discover NPD? By trying to find out what was wrong with me. Searched on my ‘symptoms’ and spoke with a friend, who inevitably I didn’t believe. Well, I didn’t believe the extent to that I could be hurt by someone I cared for – I still have issues believing, i still defend him in my mind.

  9. yourstruly says:

    after the formal relationship ended with my greater, ex-narc, we tried again. The second time around I was much more attuned to his manipulation tactics, so when I discovered much of the same, I laughed when he said I was the only person in the world he cared about. My laugh was matched by an unmasked and unhinged narcissist. I’d seen such mild and moderate glimpses in the past, but only enough to question sincerity. This was different, he lost, and I won. I disclosed who I was to his latest primary source and they were “in a relationship” the next day. I was so disoriented by the whole thing. I didn’t understand how myself, of all people, didn’t truly grasp the disordered and pathological behavior I became so familiar with. I truly believe my prayers were answered when I stumbled upon narcsite the next day. Everything finally made sense and I could finally move on. And for that, Mr. Tudor, I’m forever grateful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello YT and welcome to the blog. Pleased my information has assisted you.

  10. Aurora says:

    After my last relationship with a narcissist over 4 years ago….I decided i would try one last time.
    My ability to attract has just gotten worse. After I concluded I was done with narcissists…I found myself involved with someone who has worse issues and another who condones that crazy shit. Can’t even say it out loud here.
    Finally at the point where relationships with the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter) is totally off the table. Sex? What’s that? Intimacy….get the fuck away from me with that shit.
    And so life moves on…I’m not racing anymore.
    I’m pacing at my own speed.
    I hope you all find what you need and embrace it.
    Warm energy

  11. blackunicorn123 says:

    I looked up behaviours too, and after a few false trails, found HG. It was, without doubt, the best thing that has happened to me. Although I was initially searching about my narc, it quickly became apparent my mother is from the same stable, and is a covert, victim narc. In hindsight I realise that is why he felt so familiar! As a bonus HG has also helped me make sense of my childhood and give me closure for that too.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to see.

  12. Isabella says:

    I first heard about narcissism from an ex boyfriend around 1998. He told me his psychiatrist told him that was one of his symptoms. When I heard that, I just thought it meant self-absorbed, selfish. 

    Then in 2016 I worked with someone that treated me like a queen, and within a couple of months his words and actions were the opposite, It didn’t make sense. So I went on the web and looked up hot and cold behavior and psychopath and narcissism showed up. 

    I have always wondered why I seem to like people that were different. I have a long list of narcissist and co-dependent boyfriends.  Now I can see them everywhere, and I think I may be attracting them more often because of my curiosity, loneliness, and because I know I can.  

    1. NarcAngel says:


      If you’re lonely they’ll sniff it out like a truffle hog.

      1. KellyD says:

        NarcAngel, you always say the most succinct shit. I like it, but it can sting. Because it’s always so right.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Kelly D

          Haha. I prefer to be succinct but it’s not always received well so I often end up being more wordy as not to have the message misinterpreted or lost. I think there are enough expansive and articulate commenters that we as adults can take the odd direct hit.

      2. Joanne says:

        They really seem to have radar for any type of vulnerability.

  13. T says:

    He accused me of being a narcissist.
    Well yeah, after his bullshit, I think now a dirty empath within has emerged. Whatever works. Still very hurt.

  14. Supernova DE says:

    I first learned about NPD through my medical training, though I can say now that information was terribly misleading. I certainly hope those going into psychiatry get better information during their residency years. I just got the basic medical school version which describes mostly a somatic mid ranger (without nasty manipulations).

    I accessed the good stuff (narcsite) after googling “why he won’t answer my text”. I first got some fluff psych pages, which led me to a different blog. That blogger mentioned HG and the rest is history!

  15. Chihuahuamum says:

    I chose researched a particular behaviour….well this in turn opened a can if worms which would reveal so much of my own life to me. I firmly believe we come across people in our lives for a reason as crappy as it can be at times.
    We happened to frequent an online site together and it wasnt long til i noticed someone join who i knew was him. He created a persona and i could not believe how good he was at lying and how he was able to create this person and click with anyone he came across. I wont go into how i knew it was him but i know without a doubt and moreover he wanted me to know. I couldnt understand why hed want me to know until i learned most of the info here but in the early stages i googled it and came across sociopath…bam!! He fit the bill to a T! Once i started to read up on npd it turned from him to my mother and the realization thats what id been dealing with all my childhood! Im still learning and relearning. I take breaks from npd research but i always come back bc of the relationship and also myself and understanding how growing up with npd has ultimately affected me. Im learning a lot about myself thru learning about npd bc when youre involved with these individuals imo theres a reason and you have to look within and figure that out. For me its from my childhood roots and feeling unvalidated and emotionally abandoned. Much like narcs i feel uncomfortable with myself and wanted someone who could be there for me to lift me up, validate me, be the ultimate companion and also be intimiate. Of course narcs are master artists and can create what you most want in order to get what they want as well…a codependancy.
    It was thru research of his oddball behaviours how i found out about npd but whats creepy is he had mentioned narcissist and empath when we first met so i think he knew about his npd.

  16. Robin Donnelly says:

    I first learned about it from a book that captured my attention by the title of “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” . Not only did I learn my mother was, but so was my father, husband, son and a few long term friends. I learned I’ve been surrounded by them my entire life in some form or another which is why I was always confused and had the same patterns happening around me again and again. I am no contact with all of them except for my husband who, I think just had traits of it. So far he’s working on his issues and keeping his word. If he doesn’t, I will leave him too. I’m no longer allowing my empathy to wreck my life or to live with the potential of someone’s goodness. They do their work or I’m out. Simple.

    1. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi robin..my mother is a narc as well. You really do start to see so many narcs out there and who have been in the family etc. I think as the years go on npd will become the norm and empaths will if not already be the minority.
      It sounds like you have some good boundaries in place and are practicing self love and care.
      I only see my mother a few times a year and we never talk in between. Its sad but ive accepted it for my emotional health and well being.

  17. BraveHeart 💘 says:

    I first learned about the true aspects of Narcissism through you, HG. After I was discarded without warning, I prayed to God to shine a light on what was happening to me and immediately came upon your blog. That’s when I also learned about being an Empath. I’m just thankful I never chased the Narcissist down to get closure. I got my closure directly through you. I will never be able to thank you enough for being brutally honest with your readers. You and God saved my life. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  18. Darling1 says:

    I just found out what a narcissist is and what it is to be involved with one. I was recently trying to to make sense of what happened to me 14 months ago after my attack and this court process we are currently in and his behavior in court up until now. Why would someone just show up and go on the attack and nearly kill me in my sleep? I hadn’t heard from him for a week prior to the attack and then he made contact at that point I told him that I was busy, heading out with friends and not on his schedule and hung up on him. This bastard later showed up (needing fuel) and stalked me until I came home and went to sleep then took what all he wanted then woke me out of my sleep and nearly killed me. Who does that? A “Lesser” narcissistic sociopath thats who. I’ve just learned this from various narc sites and narc doctors on youtube and books. He did everything documented that the research shows he would do even the behavior in the court room. I was involved with my ex-narc for 5 years. I did along the way do NC, just because of his behavior. He’d stay away for some months and always came back crying or with an injury for pity (fuel) to get back in my good graces. All the signs were there; the violence had been escalating over the years. I wish I was aware of what narcissism was and made a safety plan. But in hindsight it had to end this way in court and significant prison time. He would have kept coming back as long as nothing was preventing him and I am convinced if the police wasn’t involved this last the next time he would have KILLED ME.

  19. Bridget says:

    Ive been married to a diagnosed narcissist with sociopathic tendencies for 30years! He was diagnosed in a trial program while incarcerated! He thought he was going to get a disability check for it! I fell off my chair laughing “Your not going to get a check for being in love with yourself!” Haha joke was on me! Had i known then what i know now! I would never stood trial for attempted murder Corporal injury to a spouse assault with a deadly weapon not a firearm and deliberately DELAYING medical care!! Was found not guilty “SELF DEFENSE” Nor do i belive our son would have attempted suicide twice! Hes 26 today! Happy birthday son! Still struggling with who he is but battling daily for a “Normal” life! Iam still fighting for divorce after 3years gone 2 no contact! To say i HATE this man is an understatement! He knows exactly what he is and has not a problem one with it!

    1. Darling1 says:

      Bridget, I disability check? Wow – unbelievable. I am so glad to hear you and your son are survivors. Keep praying and stay strong. You will make it completely out.

  20. Sweetest Perfection says:

    I only knew narcissism from the Greek myth and the constant reference on the media to the extreme narcissism prevailing in our current society etc, but like the vast majority of common people I had no idea of what the medical condition entails. This person used the word entanglement a lot to refer to our relationship and I was curious; also, I knew he was cheating on his wife with me, but I had a feeling he was cheating on me with another woman. So I entered entanglement and multiple affairs and … HG Tudor came up! I was lucky to be abroad, far from the narc and from everyone so I read read read.

  21. Bibi says:

    Like many, I Googled behaviors. I knew my dad was a sociopath without fully understanding what that meant. He was obvious (violent, run-ins with the law) so I assumed that is what it was.

    I was not aware of the narcissist that claims to be the victim and is more subtle, passive and underhanded.

    I Googled ‘passive aggressive tactics’ and came across an article about passive aggression with no mention of narcissism. So that was unhelpful.

    I also searched up silent treatments and blowing hot and cold and I inevitably stumbled upon the covert narcissist, shy, vulnerable, victim narcissist.

    I read it and thought it checked all the boxes. Then I read from victims saying that he was a different person in the beginning from the end. Read about devaluation, love bombing (constant attention in the beginning) and inevitably gas-lighting, word salad and how they will make you feel like you are the Crazy One.

    One of the big misconceptions in culture is that people think of narcs as only Trumps and socios as serial-killers. They are obvious, overt, or in jail. They seem to think that when you label someone a narc that this is supposed to be an insult.

    It is important to recognize this in someone without them necessarily behaving badly towards you. As example: Bill Clinton. I told a coworker he was a narc and explained a bit of HG’s ranking, how he was different from Trump, etc. But because she likes Clinton she didn’t see it and she assumed I was anti-Clinton.

    I have nothing against Bill Clinton. He is very likeable. But he was also a noted womanizer, then used his power to manipulate a young girl while on the clock in the Oval Office, wherein she admitted to developing feelings for him. Then he lied about it under oath, and yet to this day people still like him. That takes major charm. Meanwhile, she was thought of as the ‘naive dummy’ where she was just a young girl who didn’t know better.

    Because of him, her reputation suffered. Yes, she could have said no, but he was the authority figure. He should have known better.

    As for the Mid Ranger, other things checked boxes for me, like his inability to handle even the most gentle criticism, his double standards, deflection, projection, excuse making.

    I wanted to be sure, to not jump to conclusions, and inevitably I had to face the fact that the level of pain I was feeling was simply not normal when it came to other people. Learning reassured me that maybe I am not as horrible as I thought.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well put.

    2. Kathleen says:

      Great response BIbi. Two things you said I really found important- passive aggressive behavior is super duper common with midranger- maybe HG could expand on that aspect ? 😃.
      And truth about how so many people only think that narcissists are like : Trump- ultra-grandiose. I’d assume the vast majority are mid-rangers… who blend in on the surface….

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Yes it is, this is covered in many articles.

  22. Kathleen says:

    Early in the entanglement-I was googling on the behaviors of: lack of emotional depth, lack of empathy, secretive behavior, silent treatment( didn’t know the term tho) and Jekyll Hyde behavior ).

    That research led me to “cluster B” disorders and I believe the narc is a bit of blend of several with narcissism as the primary. Borderline was a runner up..etc.

    Then I bounced it off a good friend of mine who was married to a narcissist for 10 years. And then I bounced it off the X of the narc who was left in process of my golden/DLS/ whatever it was…
    The sad thing is not realizing how serious the entanglement was in that I was being manipulated-etc. That’s the part that really needs to be stressed… Not just identifying what they are but realizing how dangerous the entanglement can be to your OWN well-being. And how you’re being manipulated and don’t really realize it. That took me a long time to grasp. And to really understand that they are operating on an entirely different bases… The prime aims!
    Thx hg!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  23. Rainbow in the Dark says:

    I first learned of NPD when a therapist handed me the book Borderline Mother.
    Before that I always attributed my mother’s insanity to alcoholism or some weird demonic possession.

    However, i was with a Mid Ranger for three years, before I realized that he was also on the spectrum. A very different sort from my mother (there was no love there for my mother). And I loved this guy very much. A romantic ensnarement is a whole other nut from a parental situation.

    it wasn’t until the very end where gas lighting started. I knew about gas lighting. I just through gas lighting and ghosting where these sort of contemporary buzz words.
    I had never experienced either, and, didn’t link it to NPD.
    The gas lighting for me was the last straw. I knew that if his “brain” could distort the past so effortlessly and swiftly, that it was time for me to disentangle for good. (but his gas lighting also happened when he was trying to get away…and get back together with his ex wife) If it had happened in the context of then being discarded and then hoovered, who knows, maybe I’d still be enchanted.
    A month or so after that, I found more resources, and you. Which helped me put the puzzle pieces together. And disentangle the ball of confusion.
    Of course that is a process. Still in work.

    Through your work I understood my mother (hmmm…lets call her lower mid range?) and half sister (bottom of the barrel lesser with other stuff going on)
    And was able to recognize I also dated a Greater, a long time ago, but it was not an ensnarement.
    And a brief and disgusting stint with a lesser sociopath.

    But the mid ranger.
    Damn, out in the world he is deeply respected and highly regarded. And I couldn’t disentangle my own respect from who he projected himself to be vs who he was with me intimately.
    Your work really helped me to finally get it, and really smoke out the infection.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good, I am pleased to see that that is the case.

  24. KellyD says:

    I researched a particular behaviour on the internet which led me to the subject of narcissism.
    Once the initial golden period began to fade, all the trademarks of the narc rose to the surface. Shit silent treatments were the worst. Devaluing. Shelving. Making me sound nuts for complaining about any of it. Didn’t take long to find some answers on the internet. Thankfully, the trail led me here to HG and all of you mutual-empaths.

  25. IdaNoe says:

    I’ve been surrounded by them all my life. Some were more easily seen as being manipulative, but I never had a term for their behavior. I just thought everybody was cruel, manipulative, corrupt. Just before my wedding, I began to see behaviors, familiar behaviors, happening very quickly. It was then that I began to understand the pattern. Before, Matrinarc was very careful to allow sufficient time between “incidents ” , that they couldn’t be connected. It was then that I began to search for a possible mental disorder. The description of narcissism didn’t exactly fit, however my symptoms of abuse did. So I kept digging on what fit my symptoms and finally for HG. Then it became perfectly clear.

    1. E. B. says:

      “Matrinarc was very careful to allow sufficient time between “incidents ” , that they couldn’t be connected. ”
      Was she a Greater?

      1. IdaNoe says:

        E.B. No I don’t believe so. Evidence says she’s a midranger, covert and smart, but with victim tendencies.

  26. scareemaree says:

    My mother is a narcissist. I have always been attracted to narcissistic men. No reading I have ever done has better explained how differently they think, and the different categories that I can put so many people I know into, has been very enlightening for me personally. It shines a glaring light on those dark places I have never understood. One by one I am releasing the shackles that bind me to these people who so strongly influenced my life. I have learned that my spirit is strong and positive change through revelation is possible. I do look forward to the rest of my life and making better choices. Sometimes I really struggle with your books because I just can’t imagine thinking like that but then I have living examples all around me. Thank you for empowering all of us! You are my dirty little secret in a good way. My daughter wonders about the book titles of yours that I keep ordering from Amazon…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      How old is your daughter? The books would be a great gateway discussion to dating and what to expect, red flags etc if you deem them age appropriate.

      1. scareemaree says:

        My daughter is 25. She is pretty practical, independent and has lots of common sense. She doesn’t think with her emotions like her mom does. We have a very good relationship and I feel pretty confident she has learned from some of my mistakes and what she has witnessed with my family. She even wants me to date again! We share an Amazon account and we see each other’s orders – HG has some wild covers. She understands why I read what I do to a certain extent. Their generation does not hide books under their mattresses like their mothers did. Her freshmen year in college they actually offered a class on the 50 Shades books! Yikes! LOL

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What was the class about? If it was a burning that piece of dross, HG approves. If it was studying it, HG does not approve.

          1. scareemaree says:

            She was more into Harry Potter thankfully and didn’t take the class. She had friends who were obsessed with those books and some of those friends have gone on to develop unhealthy relationships. The movies were awful but it did open up healthy discussions between us and between her friends about how unhealthy some relationships can be. Yes, in the books the woman he ultimately married was treated ‘better’ but I always thought of all the women he violently used and discarded in that horrible room! Nice store you opened. I love the Emotional Sea items!

          2. MB says:

            Doesn’t HG approve of burning most anything?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            True dat.

          4. scareemaree says:

            Careful though – burning things can sometimes bring them back! I burned all my ‘love’ letters and poems from an old narc boyfriend in my early 20’s and he called me out of the blue the very next day professing his undying love (um, he was very married!). That guy never gave up trying to come back into my life. Thank you so much for finally enlightening me. Finally so many things I have never understood make sense, starting with my crazy narc mother! I always thought narcissism was the whole Greek thing and I always used all different labels. Your books have been life-changing for me. I am obsessed in a good way! Thank you!

          5. cb says:

            Idk, I’m just guessing the author probably saw that great short-film, ‘Secretary’
            back in 2002
            with Maggie Gyllenhaal & James Spader,

            and decided to base whole novels on that idea.
            Haven’t read 50 Shades,
            but I’m convinced you’re right, and ‘Secretary’ was a heck of a lot better.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Secretary was very good.

            The author ripped off ‘Twilight’ apparently but yes, she may have seen Secretary also and added bits of that in.

      2. blackunicorn123 says:

        I agree NA. I’ve bought Manipulated for my daughter. She says it’s been a brilliant guide for her.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good to know.

        2. NarcAngel says:


          That’s great! I wish all parents would follow your example. Forewarned is forearmed.

        3. Joanne says:

          How old is your daughter? Mine is 12 and when she was only 9 she had a friend who I learned was incredibly emotionally manipulative. My sweet, happy daughter shed many tears, lost sleep etc over this friend and I had to completely shut down the relationship.

          1. blackunicorn123 says:

            Joanne – mine is 15 and having a tough time at school with friendship groups. It’s a pretty similar experience to your daughter…one of the girls is incredibly manipulative (and I think her father is a narc funnily enough) and is causing my daughter so much pain. She has found the book very useful and can now objectively dissect this girl’s behaviour, rather than internalise it as something she is doing wrong. Just for helping her do that, I think the book is brilliant.

          2. E. B. says:

            Hi Blackunicorn,
            Sorry to hear that your daughter is having a difficult time at school with friendship groups. Manipulated is very good and also the book Smeared. The way women abuse other women is different from men. They take advantage of the dynamics of women relationships and their main tactic is to punish their victim by destroying relationships and isolating her from the group. Learning about smear campaigns will help her understand what is going on behind her back.
            Unfortunately, there is still a taboo around this subject.
            Relational aggression is also rampant in residential care homes in the country where I live. Daily life is a living hell for empathetic women who have to spend the rest of their lives in such an environment.

          3. blackunicorn123 says:

            Thanks E.B. I’d forgotten about Smeared, so thank you for the reminder!
            I agree about the abuse women inflict on each other. I remember once reading about an experiment where a coveted toy was placed in a room of girls and a room of boys. The boys physically fought over it and accepted the result. The girls socially isolated the girl with the toy until she handed it over!! That’s always stuck with me!

          4. Joanne says:

            It’s just awful that we need to teach our daughters/children these lessons but it’s so important. And girls can be so cruel – emotionally and psychologically wicked. It’s so confusing for them to be on the receiving end of this abusive behavior, especially at that age! I was furious when I learned what was going on. If my daughter didn’t answer this girl’s FaceTime calls, or if she would play with another girl at school, this brat would rage and then block and ignore my daughter. I found video recordings of my daughter crying and begging this girl to talk to her, to not be angry with her. I went through the roof. We had a long talk and I think she understands a little bit now. But I know these situations and individuals will continue to pop up in her life so it’s good to know the book is appropriate for this!

          5. blackunicorn123 says:

            Gawd, that girl sounds awful!!! It doesn’t matter how young they are either, you can sense when they are wrong one! Maybe she has learned from a narc parent too??! I’m pleased to hear your daughter listened to you and you got her away. It definitely gets harder to give them advice when they are older!!

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Girls can be very cruel. I was bullied when I was a little girl by a bitch who lived in the same neighborhood. I will never forget her name nor the bitch. She had the whole group of kids our age totally terrified and kissing her ass. Thanks to that, I became an avid reader, because I preferred to read comics rather than playing with other kids. But also thanks to her, I became shy and insecure, which I was only able to overcome through public performance and acting (which I did in college, nothing professional or serious). I’m glad you are teaching your daughter to stand up for herself and recognize unhealthy behavior, it will help her develop a confident personality. I did some research on that bully a few years ago. She’s ugly, has lost a few teeth, and doesn’t have a job. She posted a few pictures of her son on Facebook. I felt sad, because as much as I wanted to hate her, I wished at that moment she never had to experience the pain of seeing her son being bullied by other kids.

          7. Joanne says:

            I was bullied too! And similarly, all the kids (girls AND boys) kissed this girl’s ass. I couldn’t figure her out or WHY she targeted me. I guess as a new student I was easy prey. I too did some research as an adult and found that she had become a heroin addict, was a fugitive of the law and wanted in 2 states! For me that was a pleasing discovery as she made my life a living hell for so many months. Upon some even further, deeper investigations (FB) she seemed completely miserable. I was able to see a ton of older posts where she complained about her life and how much of a victim she was. I did not feel an ounce of sympathy.

          8. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Joanne, it is extremely ironic that my narc was bullied in school as well, or so he says. Where we (you, me, others here) ended up developing a strongly emotional personality, he instead lost all sense of empathy. I also suspect he has an unhealthy love for his mother, Oedipus complex yada yada. I swear, his behavior around his mom is everything but normal.

          9. Joanne says:

            What kind of things did your narc do surrounding his mother? Did you get to witness it first hand?

          10. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Buy her a dildo as a gift; talk incessantly about his love for her over the love he feels for his IPPS, joke about his Freudian complexes in public as a way to trespass boundaries socially but not too overtly to be considered serious …

          11. Joanne says:

            Nooooo, nooooooo!!!!! 🙈 Wow, that is ALL really, REALLY weird!! My god, they are such freakish creatures in their own ways. It’s mind boggling how we are (were) attracted to them despite all this.

          12. Sweetest Perfection says:

            I don’t know, Joanne, I’ve always had some attraction to the divergent but this is way too ridiculous. I guess I didn’t see it as clearly then as I do now. HG helps us remove the veil from our eyes, but what we discover is not a pretty view.

          13. NarcAngel says:

            Some are confused by the term Motherfucker.

          14. Sweetest Perfection says:

            HAHAHA NA, you are too much.

          15. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Joanne, I think that’s why it took me a while to start commenting here. I have always had fear of being rejected. I made the mistake of telling my narc and he said: I will never reject you. You are right, because I rejected you first! Haaaa. But seriously, being bullied is so unfair. Like you, I don’t know why she targeted me but I suspect it was because I didn’t kiss her ass like the other kids, I was a loner.

          16. Joanne says:

            I hate that – the fear of rejection. I’m starting to feel that might be my “core wound” that I have not yet healed.

  27. WiserNow says:

    Getting close to people in relationships had always been difficult, ever since I was a teenager. I thought my personality was the cause and that I needed to ‘try harder’. Then, later in life, I found myself in progressively more and more emotionally difficult situations, whether it was in intimate or work relationships. I felt like I kept giving and giving and doing more and more, yet it was never reciprocated. In hindsight, I was convinced that if I just did more and did better things would improve.

    Through all of this, I had never heard of narcissism and never thought that my emotional difficulties were due to somebody else’s personality disorder. Looking back, I was a narc-magnet, but back then I had no idea what that actually meant.

    It got to the point that I had depression and a total lack of motivation. I felt utterly emotionally depleted and couldn’t face the prospect of another doomed relationship or job. My situation felt completely hopeless. Then I started to research mental health topics including mindfulness, meditation, self-compassion, self-esteem, etc. While doing this, I stumbled on an article about narcissism and it described my family of origin. Then things started to fall into place and I finally learned what the cause of my emotional problems were.

    I kept reading and learning about narcissism from that point onwards and shortly afterwards, found HG’s work on social media and narcsite.

    I still find it difficult to believe that narcissism isn’t more well known or understood in the general public. It would have saved me years and years of difficulties if it was.

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      WiserNow – this jumped out at me, “never thought that my emotional difficulties were due to somebody else ‘s personality disorder”. I’m an ACON and this is so applicable! I now understand, from being here, why my life has been so hard.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Yes, blackunicorn123, I feel the same. Without knowledge and clear awareness, we tend to believe the widely held views in society about things like mental health, depression, anxiety, etc. If you add that to the empathic person’s instinctive traits of self-blaming and feeling guilty, responsible and ashamed, it actually makes things worse. We then feel even more that we are the ones who need to work harder. It makes life a never-ending battle of doing more and getting less.

  28. cb says:

    Was actually a narcissist (apparently working as a male nurse) who told me about narcissism, during lovebombing. He texted and called every day for 2 months, we met etc. We met through Facebook.

    He said we would be together until his last day, quoting Matt 28:20 (he was rather cruel)

    “No I do not think it’s Asperger what your ex has” He sent me a wikipedia link about narcissistic personality disorder. (2015)

    Took me 7 more months to put 2 and 2 together realizing what my mother has. And three exes have.

  29. Joanne says:

    Reading through the comments, I’m glad to see that some people have had therapists who were able to identify the patterns and suggest NPD. More often than not, I’ve read survivor stories where the therapist was completely clueless.

    I honestly believe his exwife, even after almost 15 years together, still has no clue what she was (is) dealing with.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Oh Joanne, I am sure his wife is clueless about the condition. I think she believes that he suffers from depression. And she should know because she works in a hospital so go figure.

    2. cb says:

      Yeah, in most countries outside the US therapists still don’t know that NPD is at least as common as being left-handed, 10 %.

      So when I seeked help for her threatening behaviour towards me and my kids (her grandkids) I got answers like “Well, that’s dementia, of course!”

      One psychologist seemed to get it right away. No Contact is it, he said. He advised against restraining order, because she will see that message as a hoover trigger too. I don’t think he used the term narcissist.

      Victims still receive a lot of unintentional gaslighting from therapists,
      but I think it gets better

  30. RG says:

    About 3 weeks into knowing him I started to google his behaviour as there were so many things that didn’t add up … he was so present and intense in my company and continuously in sext mode when not with me.

    I found it strange how I’d never see him outside of the work week in work hours …
    I was not originally physically attracted to him but met him out of politeness… Got sucked in by his charm and my need to feel something after the tragic loss of my husband to a severe brain injury.

    He shared nothing of his life and gave me nothing other than intense sex… I felt I didn’t know him at all yet he was telling me that we were soulmates.

    A google search very quickly lead me to pathological liars, stonewalling, gaslighting, toxic behaviours and ultimately Narcissism…. Straight to HG himself.

    At first it broke me further to read HGs writing as I didn’t want to believe that he was that cruel that he would abuse someone in such desperate despair and turmoil… but now I find that I still need to keep reading to make sure I never allow him back in.

    6 months no contact and I still got a text from a random number Saturday at 6am ‘I hope you are healing and growing stronger each day x’

    Insidious C*nt!

    1. cb says:

      Sorry about your experience RG

      ‘I hope you are healing and growing stronger each day x’

      yep, that’s a tease, a hoover, trying to make you defend yourself.

      Two weeks after I had blocked a guy, he texted from his other phone:

      “I hope you are holding up alright”

      I didn’t respond.

    2. mai51 says:

      We know something is not quite right…. our gut instinct tells us so…. however our emotional thinking (and the amazing physical benefits
      ) clouds our natural instinct.

      I loved your post….. stay strong x

  31. Joanne says:

    I chose “I already knew about it before being entangled.”

    My stepfather was a sociopathic narc. He was vile, disgusting and abusive – mentally, physically and emotionally. He is dead to me (literally and figuratively) and is not even worth the keystrokes to describe here, but he was my first narc encounter experience. This was long before the internet and google. I studied psychology/sociology in college so I had a decent high-level understanding. I was also reading tons of true crime before it became trendy ;) Through these books, I was able to identify ALL traits in him relating to his psychopathy.

    The sickest part is that when the my narc began his love bombing campaign, I knew it didn’t feel “right.” I repeatedly said it to my best friend, and also told her that there was *something* about him that reminded me of my stepfather in some way. This was the biggest red flag of all – considering I hated my SF with a burning passion, and anyone that reminded me of him in the least bit should’ve been avoided right from the start.

    1. blackunicorn123 says:

      Joanne, I’m sorry about your SF. That must of been a hard environment to grow up in. 🤗

      1. Joanne says:

        Thank you BU 😘

    2. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Yes that’s really awful, I’m sorry Joanne I didn’t know. I thought the only narc in your life was your affair.

      1. Joanne says:

        SP, BU
        Thanks, girls. Yes I don’t talk about NSF very often because he does not matter. I lived with him for 12 years before I was old enough to move out and it was bad. I grey rocked him as best as I could before I even know what grey rock meant. Once I left though, I was almost completely unaffected. He was no longer my problem and he was dead to me before he even died. My poor half siblings on the other hand… and what my mom went through 😥 If only the internet and narc support forums and HG existed back in those days… I wonder if it would’ve helped my mom to escape.

        I always felt like I learned from my mother’s mistakes /her poor choices in men by the time I was ready to settle down. Ending up in an affair with someone, who I felt so early on had this strange similarity to my NSF, is confusing.

        ^I’m sorry that is such awful grammar! 🥴

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I am struck by the similarities in our stories yet having different results. In any case – glad both SF’s are now maggot meal. I even begrudge giving them credit for being that useful.

          1. Joanne says:

            I remember reading about your SF in either a comment or a letter to the narc 😢 We definitely share some similarities. And yes, I agree that even the maggots are too good for them!!

  32. Channie says:

    I worked with my ex narc and he was displaying iradic behavior through the love bombing phase and I googled the behavior and found narciso, I also found you. I had a Phone session with you, which confirmed he was a narc. It was difficult going no contact since we worked at the same company. But I went to therapy and I recently moved out of state. Thank you for all your help and books and videos.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome.

  33. Melissa says:

    I did a web search for “why does he ruin every holiday” and boom…. it came to light. Also my therapist had mentioned it previously and I ignored it until the words were laid out on a page that I could no longer ignore.

  34. Jillian says:

    Other: My ex-narcissist, told me himself. Neuropsychologist. He provided me with literature/resources to explain to me why he is the way he is.

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      How nice of him, Jillian! It sounds as when the doctor tells you OK this is gonna hurt, are you ready?

      1. Lou says:

        I was thinking the same SP.
        Jillian, would you mind sharing a little more about your dynamics with him?

      2. nunya biz says:

        Just an unfortunate casualty in his disorder is all.

  35. Bethany Evans says:

    I had questioned my alive orbit….without adequate response…to turn to cyberspace….”why can’t I get over him”…to you H G Tudor…..everything became real!!!

  36. Sarah says:

    I found out from my counselor. About 2 years in, I started having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety. I started seeing a counselo . About 6 months in I got my first prolonged silent treatment. He sent me an email stating he was struggling emotionally and not contact him or he would never speak to me again. At that time she mentioned the word narcissist. I expanded in that with reading and YouTube video . Ita now 2 years later and I’m still entangled with him……

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Consult with me and I will have you disentangled. Guaranteed.

      1. Claire says:

        No one else can say that and mean it!

  37. lisk says:

    The thing that “caused that light bulb to switch on that very first time” was my current therapist who in one session casually stated, “Sounds like J could be a narcissist.”

    That’s when it hit me. i had sort of known about narcissism before but I never applied it to Narcx.

    No, not even when Narcx told me himself: “My ex-wife said I was a narcissist.” (Ex-wife was a therapist. I am so sorry I didn’t listen to her “message early on.)

    No, not even when I looked up “stone-walling” and “silent treatment” two summers ago. When I read the word “narcissist” in those explanations it did not register. Those articles were talking about jerky guys (overt narcissists) not about Narcx, a man who I had hurt and abused with my unkind words and who I had forced to treat me so poorly. No, I was the bad guy. I was the one who had to change for the good guy. There was no narcissist in my life.

    When current therapist said “sounds like a narcissist,” I had already been seriously devalued and “discarded” (asked to move out of the house). That’s when I started looking for a good book to read about narcissism. That’s when I went on amazon and read book reviews. It was in one of those book reviews that someone wrote, “This book is okay, but the best info on narcissism is on narcsite.com.”

    And here I am.

    My current situation: I am successfully grey rocking when we need to talk until the final dissolution of our financial ties, when I can finally go full-on No Contact.

    I wish I could say that I don’t check up on him digitally–that is something I need to work on.

    But there is definitely zero wish for any kind of benign hoover, Grand Hoover (been there, done that one already twice in 7 years), or any type of reconnection. That girl who once desired that so badly is gone.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are making progress.

    2. Joanne says:

      Great progress, lisk! Keep working!

      I really wish the “world bureau of psychology” (or whatever) would come up with a new term for NPD. The overlap with society’s flippant use of the term “narcissism” muddies the waters and makes it SO DIFFICULT for a victim or target to explain what is happening to them to those who’ve not experienced it. It’s no wonder your situation was prolonged with all the bad articles and advice out there. Glad you are on the right track!

      1. KellyD says:

        Joanne, I agree. People confuse egotism with narcissism. They can’t be lumped together.

        1. blackunicorn123 says:

          Joanne, I agree too. It’s overused and mentioned out of context too many times.

    3. NarcAngel says:

      I’m glad you found your way here and are at the point you are now. I think It’s wise to work on ending the digital exams. He may enjoy it but it’s not beneficial to you. If you’re going to “give him the finger” it should be through proper no contact lol. The recommendation on the book review that directed you here raises again the power we have to help educate others and thank HG through simply taking a minute to leave a review. Those are breadcrumbs used in a positive way to leave a trail that can effect great change for someone through a simple act.

  38. LC says:

    I knew a bit about co-dependancy from reading a book from the 80s, I saw the title in a bookshop and it caught my eye, Robin Norwood’s ‘Women who love too much’. This was after the most painful breakup with first (abusive) boyfriend who had psychopathic tendencies (he blew up the roof of replacement IPPS with a self-made bomb….). Compared to her I had an easy time.

    Reading the book I thought gosh so much applies to me and him except the bit about our problematic childhoods and alcoholism. We had everything we needed, didn’t we? The realisation that I grew up in a highly abusive (middle class) home came only later. I had been so used to it that I didn’t know what an emotionally caring home would look like even if I knew that the home I would build would be different.

    Managed to get married to an alcoholic all the same, whom I met at university and whom I didn’t recognise for one (since I didn’t know much about alcoholism then). – Later I attributed our family problems to alcoholism – that co-dependancy is linked to narcissism in quite similar ways I had no idea. Found a therapist and left narcoholic. (Therapist mentioned narcissism by the by).

    Picked up quite a bit about narcissism here and there from reading titles such as ‘The Drama of the Gifted Child’ by Alice Miller – except she describes the other side, not the grandiose people whom we call narcs here but those who suffer from low self esteem and who tend to attract narcs.

    When my therapist mentioned narcissism yet again (soon after I started seeing my n-ex) I started reading more widely, and preferred well researched sources over Internet ones. These did not help much, but I continued googling. When I found HG the things I heard from my therapist and HG’s info combined suddenly clicked into place. I could leave n-ex then.

    I still come here to understand the ‘other’ side of narcissism better, and I continue therapy to focus on ‘my’ side – to arm myself against ET by acquiring healthy boundaries, develop a better sense of self worth, improve and heal the relationships with my children (who of course have suffered in the narcissistic family setup) etc.

    Am probably getting the Narcissist at the workplace package next because – yeah – guess what, I work for one as well. Co-dependancy sucks but at least one can do something about it….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Most interesting LC, thank you for sharing your experience.

  39. susisorglos66 says:

    Hello H.G. ,
    I was close to get crazy, because of his treatment.
    He was from London and I’m from Germany, so it was a “relationshiT” on distance. A friend of mine ( she’s living in the same house with me) , asked me, how everything is going… Well she is working at a psychiatric word in a hospital…And I told her about a strange situation, and she warned me, he could be a Narcissist. Then I started to inform myself, and everything was clear .. I know I repeat myself, but what really helped me to quit this 3 year nightmare, was your (sometimes hurtful) but very helpful enlightenment !!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome Susisorglos66

  40. Freedom45 says:

    I searched certain behaviours in the internet , came across lots of information , however nothing grabbed my attention as much as watching one of your videos which you really annoyed me at first and I threw my phone down haha As you explained the reasons why I was discarded haha , I thought you was so cheeky , however I continued to research your work which led me to purchasing books and finally having a consultation.
    My mind was already made up that I would no longer give my ex another minute of my time but I needed guidance from yourself , thank god I came across you as it all helped as I knew knowledge is power and having read your books and having consultation certainly helped provide me with the tools I needed .
    I have been free for almost three years and am delighted so thankyou again .

    1. mai51 says:

      I absolutely love your phrase “I am free and delighted”

      Perfect. Exactly.

  41. Freedom45 says:

    Just searching behaviours and came across it , although heard of narcissism before I considered it be just you kind of love yourself .
    After seacexhing I came across HG on YouTube and that really annoyed me as to how blunt you was on the reasons for discard so I threw my phone down . After calming down I watched and read a lot of your articles , thank his I did as I continued researching your work and purchases books and finally had consultation .
    So happy I did as knowledge is power and I was ready to take mine back !!!!
    Been free for almost three years so thankyou HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  42. Tara says:

    I learned about narcissism when I was entangled in the smear campaign- because of the nature of the smear, my employer ask for me to see our organizations Domestic Violence unit @ the sheriff department. It was there I learned of what was happening to me and the counselor recommended your books! DEAD ON!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      HG approves of the counsellor.

  43. Akiko says:

    First, his extream degree of jealousy ( in the beginning it was cute but became sickening). Which led to word salad tossing & projection during very first devaluation ( I didn’t know all the terms back then but I’m using them to make long story short ). His attempt to gain total control of me & situation by set status quo using silent treatment. Triangulation. Future faking. My discovery & recognition of his fuel matrix. Habitual but terrible lier. Shallowness & superficiality in golden period : In the end, recurring PATTERN OF ACTION constructed with all above statement. Got me searching answer during 2nd devaluation cycle.

  44. Debs says:

    I looked on the internet after discovering his cheating and found an article about NPD and the article mentioned HG Tudor and his blog. I clicked the link and my heart sank but for good reasons as everything in the blog, the articles, the comments from readers were all what I had experienced over the years long before I caught him cheating.

    It’s scary how the behaviours are identical.

    My narc ex is currently in a weird hoover state I guess. Mutual friends have approached me this week about the fact he’s posting all over Twitter and Facebook about his new supply and why did he never do that with you? Thanks for that one lol! Really need another kick in the stomach.

    It’s quite funny really. I am not on Facebook or twitter so I haven’t seen it myself but apparently it’s pretty full on on both their respective pages. Lots of I’m so proud of him and I’m so proud of her #soulmate #happiness #trust #love etc etc. I laughed my head off when a mutual friend said why is she putting trust under the picture? Ding dong he cheated and lied but it’s ok she trusts him I was his ‘friend’ and I didn’t trust him not to cheat. Wtf?!?! If I was his friend how can he cheat friends don’t cheat?!?! Total mindf**kery!

    Guessing it’s some sort of hoover to spark engagement or to hurt me. It hasn’t I actually laughed when I was told. I remember when I was with him asking why he never posted about us or said anything about me on social media and he just used to say our private life is private and that’s how it should stay. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you etc etc crap.

    I guess he’s also doing it for damage control and image protection. He’s so happy now look everyone isn’t it great life is perfect I’ll keep posting about how great we are together so everyone can see and no one will question why I moved on instantly 🙈 wish people wouldn’t tell me to be honest but I don’t let it get to me now. Getting stronger everyday thanks to this blog :-)

    Why do narcissists go so overboard on social media HG after a really awful discard? Is it some sort of hoover attempt or is it done purely just to cause more hurt because they can?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some narcissists embark on such declarations on social media to

      1. Preserve the façade;
      2. Draw fuel from other appliances (either praising the narcissist for the new relationship or sometimes attacking the narcissist where that appliance is loyal to the former IPPS);
      3. Punish the former IPPS as he or she has let the narcissist down (from the narcissist’s perspective)
      4. Sometimes it is done to try and derail the IPPS if they escaped and/or are with someone new
      5. To exert control.

      Not all engage in this. See Jealous of Your Contentment, Derailed, Relationship Bulletin.

      1. Debs says:

        Thanks HG will check out these posts.

        My ex narc was always heavy on social media always saying how many followers and friends he had and how many likes he got etc. More likes he got happier he was. No reactions and he’d go into a silent sulk and I would get the brunt of it

      2. fauxfur5 says:

        Mine Lesser narc ex isn’t engaging in any of this as far as i’m told in fact both him and his new supply are completely silent on FB about their relationship however he has changed his profile pic according to my friend (not sure if his IPPS is on it tbh) I have blocked him from mine This is the complete opposite from when he was love bombing me.. He would post things to my wall every day, songs etc..It wouldn’t surprise me if his new source even knows he has a fb account now when in fact he has at least 2. So I suppose there would be no fuel gained from it any way. Plus he already knows I know he’s in a relationship and not phased in the slightest by it.

  45. Louise Speechley says:

    I learnt about it from you! Declaring that you were a narc. Although i like to believe that, at least some of it, is just a mask to hide your real feelings.

  46. Desirée says:

    Thank God for the internet. My deepdives in search for answers always provide me with new and sometimes life-saving information

  47. Iris says:

    The silent treatment phone games were driving me crazy, I knew it wasn’t ‘normal ‘ so I started by looking up things like ‘how long should I expect to wait for a text response’ etc, which made me feel stupid and like a teenager again 🙄 and after looking at forums I was led to articles about narcissism, a few things fit but not quite enough to make me sure, and this was very early on in the entanglement too so he was maintaining the facade.. eventually I followed a link to this blog and more started to fall into place, but it took many more red flags and boxes ticked before I was certain. My gratitude for you grows exponentially HG, I would be mired in his manipulations still if it wasn’t for your work.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  48. Stumbling Around says:

    I read a newspaper article about Rurik Jutting. It was written by the doctors who analysed his mental health, before trial. Some of his behaviour seemed familiar. Not the killing bit obviously.

    1. Joanne says:

      Reading true crime also helped me to identify the behaviors and traits.

  49. Anm says:

    I knew there was something wrong with the relationship I was in, but couldn’t put my finger on it.
    6 years ago, when I was 28, I was dating a narcissist who was 22 years older than me. I mentioned to him that I saw a fatal car accident on my way home. He mentioned that that sort of thing wouldnt bother him. I didnt know what narcissism was, but I knew about Psychopathy from movies and such. I knew that was a psychopathic trait, but dismissed it.
    After that relationship hit the fan, I was in the most dramatic relationship I have ever been in. Constant cat and mouse games, deceit, emotional abuse left and right. One night, while he was giving me a silent treatment, I started googling, and saw articles for narcissism pop up. I wish I knew back then what I know now. The drama was all an illusion to suffer as much as he suffers. If I would have just called his bluff and moved on, he would have targetting someone else.
    He still plays these games with me, because we have a child together. I forbid to feed the beast

    1. Claire says:

      Yes ANM! Something I could not put my finger on.. I heard the term covert narcissist in a FB divorce support group. The puzzle pieces fit! Omg. Then I joined a FB narcissist support group. I’ve left all the groups. HG’s name was mentioned twice and the second time I googled him. I knew I hit the jackpot—I just didn’t realize how “sick” I was/am. The thing that gets me—holy shit this is some intense work. Intense work is unlikely in the typical online support environment from what I saw.

  50. Oz says:

    In the days before the internet, I went to the library

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