No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
44 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
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What happens when one escapes and is discarded almost simultaneously? I left him after the second confrontation regarding his porn addiction, and returned to my apartment. He moved his new supply (and her mother) into his home two days later.
If you escape, you cannot then almost be disengaged from.
I just want to say Ive read and listened to your youtube channel. I was married to one for 13 years, I would call him mid range/upper narcissist. He doesnt affect me these days, I see everything he is doing is solely for fuel. I know there will be many like me. I have no feelings toward him, no anger, no why me, no nothing…….I am well past the stage of signing off. I dont need to. I dont need answers, what good does that do. I dont engage, he tries and tries to get his fuel. We have a daughter together so there is contact as there is no possible other way, but I can deal with him easily now I see him for what he is and what he is trying to gain from me. I accept what he is and how he behaves, that is who he is. BUT I dont need to be apart of it or feed him any longer and for that I am thankful. I am thankful I had the strength to kick him out and keep him out. Do I have anger? No…am I hurt? No….Poor me? …No. I do feel sad for many people, men and women that try to figure this out, try to work things out and in the meantime destroy themselves. You really have to find your self worth and gather your strength to be able to walk away and never look back. Signing off?………no. I don’t need to do that.
This one still gets to me. I still have this urge to sit down and have dinner with him and have this conversation about how I now understand what happened etc. Just have a matter of fact conversation about it all. Which we all know would never be just that. Not with a narcissist.
I hate that silence is the most powerful weapon I have. I wish it could be my voice.
Empath007
He wouldn’t understand it anyway as he would not accept that he is a narcissist. Your closure has to be that YOU know, but I understand the feeling of wanting to verbalize it.
Thanks NA. He actually does know he’s a narcissist. He admitted it to me. I suppose that’s part of the reason there is still occasionally temptation. But I see it as a pointless venture. And I also have no desire to give him what he wants and make him feel like some sort of King.
He won’t know the type of Narcissist he has admitted to being, therefore he hadn’t actually admitted to what he is.
He said he researched it and he met the criteria. He was a very intelligent person in comparison to the other narcs I had met. He was always researching all kinds of things… gathering facts. Patient. Waits years before approaching victims as he gathers information on them etc. He was no lesser narc that is for sure. Very, very carefully chose his words and actions.
I realize none of that matters anymore. Im proud of myself for getting out. But we are part of the same social circle. It’s only a matter of time before we run into each other. And I sure hope I can ignore him when I do.
Yes
Empath007, I am the same way. I want to have a conversation. Don’t adults in a relationship have conversations anymore? I like silence in the right time, but sometimes things need to be said, no?
Oh I know Kelly D, even in my relationships with non narc men I’ve had I find honest conversation is difficult to have for many. I guess I now understand I am different because I am an empath, so other people don’t instinctively connect as deeply as empaths. I wish I could meet a nice empath man…. lol. That would be amazing. But I have yet to meet one. Cause I attract creeps 🤣🤣
empath007,
As a man, and presumably some sort of empath, I can tell you that even an empathic man can find it difficult to have an honest deep conversation. It’s not that I would necessarily lie, but I would probably witheld certain information or refuse to discuss other, especially if I’m having trouble processing it myself, or if I am under the impression that sincerity would produce more damage than a lie (I am a dirty empath).
My theory is that this is the way men are wired and also built by the environment, to process things internally, and they fear or are bothered in some way to express what they think and feel entirely.
Of course, there are various degrees in this.
To be honest, even with her (my Nex) I haven’t been quite entirely honest. Really glad I wasn’t… 🙂
I’m not sure it’s just a mans issue. I think a healthy fear of ones parents growing up causes a lot of people to have difficulty with honesty. A lot of people don’t recongnise their own pattern of behaviours, nor do they want to because we all develop different coping mechanisms growing up and it is difficult for people to not act as they were designed too. We are creatures of habit.
I do think men have an easier time exhibiting these behaviours as it is more societally engraged as well. People are complex. Lots of reasons we do as we do. This also poses a problem for women dealing with narc men… we excuse away the behaviour because “boys will be boys” mentality. It’s important for women to focus on actions..
Not words.
I always had a healthy respect, but never fear of my parents. I was blessed that I could always be myself and I knew there was unconditional love coming right back at me.
As a result my empathetic “sin” (as HG would say) of honesty is heightened way beyond most. That’s not to say I am a saint… far from it I am also is dirty empath who has some strong narc traits that come out when necessary. But my honesty is a real issue for me 🤣 it’s too much 🤣 I have literally no secrets from the important people in my life.
I think I’m now at the point with Kelly D though. I don’t think I was meant to be in a relationship. There is no one out there for me. I loose the nice ones… I loose the narc ones… I’m just one meant to roam free hahaha.
Thanks so much for your response though! Was nice to hear a male empath perspective.
Hi Abe
Yes I see that with men ,they tend to ponder things for much longer than women and keep a poker face.
I think us females prob partly get emotional overload faster and need to discuss .I hope I’m not being sexist here it’s just my own personal observations and the way I react.
Men tend to be less reactive ,less obvious when hurt or annoyed or worried.
It’s something I’m very bad at , my emotions are always written on my face ,I’ve become quite an aloof distance person over this as I’m hurt so easily ,or I find it hard to process due to deeper things.
Maybe it goes back to hunter gatherer times when a man hunting had to hold their cool in a very dangerous situation.
Yes, please, empath007, I would love strong, sensitive man. Not sure that exists though. I feel like no one is for me. Maybe in another life? I think I have to just resign myself to being alone. I’m not even looking to marry anyone. Eek lol but is it too much to ask for a mutually loving, respectful relationship? I’ve wasted so much time trying to make this narc see reason. I’m well and truly exhausted.
Do you have anything written that describes all this hoover business? (Malign etc..)
Black Hole.
Thanks!
Well, the people I deal with aren’t narcs but men of a more insidious nature. They’ve been given orders to turn me to the dark side so to speak and they can’t lose or they lose something. It’s a different war for me where exposure is the goal not much as getting away cause they are stalking my every move. They have to be exposed and dealt with lawfully since these are unapologetic criminals.
Hi Honey I don’t have any desire for a sign off now that I know what he is but I am pretty sure that he has a malign obsession with me though.
I do still care about him but after the hell he put me through I am not interested in letting him back in he will never get control over me with malignant hoovering I don’t don’t fear much and really he is wasting his energy trying to make me afraid of him or whether or not he hates me because I am not going to give him a reaction to it he can get his fuel elsewhere.
Anyway my question is about the obsession part I don’t even really even acknowledge him anymore I am aware of his presence but really doesn’t have much affect on me anymore it’s like I have built up my ammunition to it from over exposure and also it is predictable now , his arsenal has come down to just a stern look every time I see him so the malignancy has lessened a lot but he still trying to get my attention just so he can give me a dirty look he is not getting a negative response from me so no fuel I would have thought he would have given up by now he is actually starting to make me think he is pathetic he is like a dog with a bone
I have made no attempt to contact him and I don’t bring him up to anyone I have had a few people recently bring him up to me and I am expecting a Hoover so he won’t get a response from me and yes I am definitely strong enough to resist it . What exactly is he expecting to come out of this ???
“We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity.”
This is such an underrated gift. A chance to pull down the storm shutters and run for higher ground.
Oops!
Been there did that wore the t shirt! All in the early days following the horrific discard.
Didn’t know he was a narcissist then.
Worst thing I did. Set me back healing wise and caused my ET to go into overdrive.
Don’t make the mistakes I did. I suffered with smear campaigns, further humiliation and degradation, stalking, awful triangulation and a bit of love bombing and a lot more lies thrown in for good measure to really put me in my place as a useless worthless appliance who meant nothing to my ex narc. All the while he had the little smirk on his face and was the sole audience in the pick me dance between myself and the new supply. She was so happy he chose her!
He didn’t have a lot of choice I eventually said no and he can’t be alone so did a lot of love bombing and brain washing on her as damage control and went about his wonderful life while I rode the shit storm 🙁
What did she win really? A narcissist who at the moment is all wonderful and glittery and sparkly but underneath the glitter and sparkles is a pathological liar, a manipulator, an abuser and as HG says a Narcissist is a Narcissist is a Narcissist. He won’t change. She won a great prize alright.
NC is the only way to go. Wish I’d known then 8 months ago what I know now
Go to the House of Tudor Debs and you can literally wear the t-shirt!
Will be doing that HG and wearing it with pride haha!
HG. I have never wanted or received closure when I escaped. I was happy just to be gone. I didn’t need closure or apologies why would I when I know every word he says is a lie? I have remained NC for 6 months and have had no hoovers despite being in the same social sphere as my Lesser Nex and his new IPPS.In fact he has been no trouble at all to me thus far .I’ve made him invisible to me. I know he’s there but I Ignore his presence in person and online. He usually skulks away after a while.I’m aware that this may change when he loses interest in his new squeeze but my NC is solid.
Deb’s, it took me a long time to come to terms with the “win” the other appliances thought they had. It got to the point that my focus was no longer on the narc but it was an obsession to feel like I had the win over the other girls. After all I was there the longest, I endured more. How dare they think they can have more misery than me right?! Ha, now I think about it and I know that all it would take is a few text from me (grovelling of course) and I’m back in. I don’t want it though. They can have it. Let them have their win, I know it’s a loss.
Hi mercy
Can totally relate to what you’re saying. My obsession at first was with her. ET telling me she must be better what does she have that I don’t have. She won he chose her he made his choice etc etc. Even she said that to me if he goes to Bulgaria to see her he’s made his choice and that was rubbed in my face big time until he convinced her to block me even though she was the one who made contact with me?!?! Bizzare to say the least!
It was only when I realised he was a narcissist and that he won’t change and essentially all she is getting is a false mask and love bombing right now. It’s all damage control for him and to save face. Image is everything to him.
He also has nothing else now so he’s in love bomb overload to keep her on side as regardless of what he’s told her he did cheat on me he is a pathological liar, he is an abuser he is a narc full stop. By overly valuing her with all this OTT flattery he’s deflecting her from what he really is but eventually his mask will slip and in the back of her mind she knows he’s a cheater but because he’s her soul mate and they will be kings and queens together (his words and he’s 39 years old) she believes it all. She’s only 24.
I haven’t lost a thing. I lost myself from the abuse over 12 years but I’ve gained so much now.
Logic says that all I lost is a self centred, empty shell of a human being who emotionally and psychologically abused me, threatened to kill me and made me feel like a below standard human being who was worthless.
She has gained that person and has done me a favour which sounds awful as part of me feels sorry for her but telling her about all the things he’s done will get me nowhere. It’ll give him fuel, hurt me in the process and she won’t believe a word of it.
Unfortunately it’s up to her to figure out what he really is and like me I’m sure it’ll take her many years before it gets to that stage and by then you’re well and truly hooked and conditioned from the abuse and believe you are worth nothing so you stick with it and look to your narcissist to give you validation just so you can validate your own worth. Mindf**kery.
Deb’s, I love your logic and I don’t think it’s awful for you to think that way about the new appliance. She will know your pain and your relief when her replacement comes along.
By then it won’t even cross my mind as I should be healed by then hopefully.
It is awful though when they plaster how wonderful everything is for them everywhere while you’re left picking up the pieces.
The minute you stop questioning why and how and realise they won’t understand it from your point of view nor will they feel your hurt or pain or feel remorse or guilt and it’s because they aren’t wired that way and their thinking isn’t like how we all think it all becomes easier to process. Doesn’t take it away but it makes the sounds start to heal and each day seem a bit easier to get through.
Certainly recently for me when I stopped letting the ET consume me and applied a bit of logic it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do now. Regardless of what he does now what he did to me was real and the best part was I learned I wasn’t crazy after all despite him telling me I was looool!
Every cloud has a silver lining thank you ex narc!
Debs, I know what you’re saying about a weight being lifted off your shoulders with logical thinking. You are right, it may not have been real to him but what he did to you is real. The logic may help us through, but the scars that were left on our emotions will never fade and they are proof of how real it was to us. Its sad the magical innocence that was a part of our emotions has been damaged forever. Sometimes I wish I could have gone my whole life thinking that there is good in everyone. It’s just not practical as an empath amongst narcissist though. The scars are my reminder and even if logic is lonely at times, it is what saves us from further damage.
Try not to think about how “wonderful” their relationship is right now. You know all to well that it is short lived. When you are fully healed she will be picking up the pieces. When she is discarded or escapes she will be thinking of you and what you went through. She will know. You will have your day Debs but hopefully by then you won’t care anymore.
LOL I also went to this ‘Amusement Park’ and got a t-shirt for my efforts. I did ALL the dumb things. Literally. Ah well. LOL you live and you learn, and I guess being a “love devotee” it wasn’t all for nothing. My love wasn’t fake. It’s not my fault they were lying about who and what they are to themselves and everyone else.
Thank you for posting this. Its been 10 weeks since the narc has disengaged with me. Unfortunately I have to work with the narc so their is a little bit of contact. We only speak about work and its either over the phone or via email. In 10 weeks maybe we have spoken 6 times. There was a hoover attempt in the very beginning but I told him to go away and there hasn’t been another one. Today, I was seriously thinking about telling the narc off and then I saw this post. Thank you again. You saved me from making a mistake.
You are most welcome.
Hi Leigh
I am in your shoes with a workplace narc , please don’t tell him off esp in a work environment it could back fire on you .
It is tricky to navigate in the workplace as a smear campaign could destroy your career so tread carefully.
If he is a narc a smear campaign to protect his own ass would not be beneath him .
Stay here and do all HG says.
Agreed and even better you should obtain the Assistance Package ‘How To Handle A Narcissist At Work’
Yes HG I am at my wits end so I am going to consult with you later on my situation .
I feel like I’m damned no matter what I do ,huge evidence of a vicious narc and I’m sick of it and really don’t know what to do in this tricky workplace without getting severely burned.Its a very tough one HG as the main boss adores the vicious narc and her nose is permanently up his ass.
Will be touch thanks HG
Kiki
I look forward to assisting you.
I would love to obtain assistance but it’s not easy for me. Thia isnt even a real name and I made an email just for this. I do have another question though. One of the things that was contentious between us is that I would want him to say good morning to me especially after weekends or returning from vacations. Almost always he would avoid and ignore me. I have pass his office to get my mail and now that its over, he is always there and always says good morning. He has shown no other interest for 11 weeks now. Why continue to screw with my head.
Hello Leigh, I need more information so that I can provide you with a full answer. I need to know if this person is a narcissist, if so, what your position in the fuel matrix is, what the nature of the entanglement is (romantic, social or work), your relative positions at work, where you are in the dynamic and therefore I suggest you organise an email consultation with me and I will be then placed in the best position to help you.
https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
Leigh, I understand that it could be problematic to make charges to your credit card as most entanglements with narcissists include controlling the finances. I would suggest buying a prepaid card with cash and linking that card to your fake name/email address PayPal.
I’ve also wondered if HG could use a pseudonym for his pseudonym to make the charges appear more ordinary. We have a customer that is a gentleman’s club. The official name of the business is related to golf however, ie credit card charges show on the statement as a golf supply outlet. Tricky!
I was the DE DLS and we are both in powerful positions. Neither one of us would risk losing our positions or our families.
I wish I could do a consult with you. I can’t risk my spouse finding out by seeing the payment. I believe he is a Mid Range Victim Narcissist and I was the DE DLS. He courted me for two years and I finally gave in. It lasted another 18 months after that. The whole time it was a tumultuous ride to say the least. He ended it abruptly 11 weeks ago. Your blog has helped me immensely. Thank you.
You can do so, there are various methods of achieving this.
I know there is always a way to consult with you. I just don’t know if it’s worth trying to figure out the narcissist’s behavior. I have moments of weakness sometimes. For the most part, I’m glad its over. I made a terrible mistake and don’t want to hurt my spouse or my children because of my wrongdoings. You’ve been a great help though.