The Heart Hooks – No. 17
This is a Heart Hook which might be used by any school of narcissist but there is one who will use it far more often than any other school and that is the Mid Range Narcissist. The Mid-Ranger, as I have explained elsewhere, is typified by significant reliance on the façade as a ‘good person’, is desperate to be liked and well thought of, is passive aggressive, utilises sulking, silent treatments and pity plays regularly and is cowardly and prefers others to do his or her dirty work. They revel in portraying themselves as a good soul who has been wounded by the evil behaviour of others. They truly believe that. In common with the narcissistic outlook that the world is a cruel and harsh place, the Mid-Range narcissist believes that he or she should be compensated and helped from having to deal with the savage vagaries of life.
When looking to seduce a new victim the Mid Range narcissist will use this line more than any other type of narcissist. This is because he or she has been hurt in the past. Of course that hurt was viewed from the narcissistic perspective and therefore the terrible wounds suffered arose from a previous victim escaping, letting the narcissist down, not doing what the Mid Ranger wanted, exposing his or her behaviours to others. That is where the hurt manifests from but the Mid Ranger will not convey the hurt in this manner. No, he will do so using the language of hurt than an empathic person will understand.
“She used to hit me. I do not know why, but she used to attack me for no reason. I did not hit back, I couldn’t, I am not like that, but imagine how that feels, being a man and having a smaller woman bruise you in that way.”
“He used to bugger me and even when I was crying he would not stop.”
“He tormented me about my weight even though he knew I was sensitive about it.”
“She put me down whenever I tried to do anything good. She just seemed to be jealous of me all of the time.”
“I opened myself up to her and she just trampled all over my heart.”
“I let him in and he tried to break me.”
The narcissist and especially the Mid Range uses this Heart Hook to establish three things:-
- To convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist has been badly hurt before and therefore needs to be look after, treated well and given sympathy and pity which of course equate as fuel;
- By demonstrating that he or she has been hurt, this disarming behaviour will not cause the prospective victim to be wary of the narcissist; and
- It compliments the victim by identifying that he or she is a kind, caring and compassionate person. Of course the victim is all of those things and knows that he or she is and consequently not only are they pleased that the narcissist recognises this they are immediately caused to set a standard to live up to in the way they engage with the narcissist.
Using this phrase or one similar to it is to convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist sees good in them and despite having been so badly hurt before, they trust the prospective victim. Of course the narcissist does not trust but conveys the idea that the prospective victim is trusted so as to accord with the empathic traits of the prospective victim. This comment is saying to the prospective victim, “I know you are good, decent, trusting and kind and I think all of those things are wonderful. I also know that you will now want to look after me, protect me and treat me right in order to live up to this standard which I have already set with regard to how you should behave. I know you want to prove yourself to me and I know you will not fall short in doing so because it is a matter of pride for you to discharge these empathic obligations in my direction.”
The narcissist comes as supposedly meek and fragile, a hurt individual in need of the soothing ministrations of the prospective victim and this person is only too happy to oblige. The prospective victim is drawn in and also provides fuel by way of compassion, sympathy and pity. Just what the Mid Range Narcissist wants and needs. It also provides the Mid Range Narcissist with a platform to explain more about how horrendously they were treated, the means by which to triangulate the former intimate primary source with the prospective replacement and also to smear the former primary source.
It should be noted that whilst this will most often be said to a prospective victim who the Mid Range Narcissist wants as their IPPS, it will also be said to those who are destined to be Shelf IPSSs or Dirty Secret IPSSs. It will be used with NISSs as well in order to engender sympathy and understanding (“My work has not been as good just recently as my confident was damaged by the tyrant of a boss I had in my previous job, but I know you will not behave like that.” Or, “I am quiet with groups because I was socially ostracised by someone who I thought was my best friend and it has made me wary of making new friends, but I sense things will be different with you, because you are different.”
This Heart Hook is an indicative pity play from the off and as such whilst used by all schools, you will find it utilised by the Mid Range Narcissists the most.
21 thoughts on “The Heart Hooks – No. 17”
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HG, on the rare occasions I run into the exnarc, he still plays the poverty card: work is so hard to find, finances bad etc. He does this with most people (he has a job but tends to be lazy and did not reach his potential). Is he hoping to get hand-outs? Even from a ex who has nothing to do with him anymore? Most men would be too proud. What does he gain from people by this behaviour? It’s really quite pathetic.
1. It is a Pity play which seeks
a. Fuel ; and
b. Residual Benefits by way of financial assistance
which combine to enable the placement of control over you.
You mean he actually thinks I might offer him money? That’s insane. He’s a grown ass man with a job. But also, as a pity play, its self-defeating because, at his age, it makes people lose respect for him, including male friends. It’s pitiful in a pathetic way! Does it really get him what he wants???
He would sulk and give the silent treatment. Told me the ex never wanted to have sex but I was great. Every woman he dated dumped him. Was told I would dump him like they did. Felt so sorry for him. I figured it out I was addicted to bullshit. And it was his bullshit.
Yup. My MMR Elite to a tee. I was in conversation with him and his IPPS the other day and he conveyed how he decided early on to “help people” as his life purpose, but how his IPPS protects him from being taken advantage of. She sat there, affirming this, saying how he thinks all ppl are good, and gets used. He then verbalized how the IPPS “lets him” help out a chosen few.
– HG —HOW can she, the IPPS – still think this, believe this facade, after 4 years ?!!
I suspect perhaps she is a full on codependent and forces all suspicions of infidelity, all red flags of narcissism,away to retain her image of him?
The product of emotional thinking.
Sometimes I really want to worn people and tell them how the midrange really talks and what he sounds like …I wish you had more skits ..like reenactments …so woman can really see how it’s played out . You make it very clear HG but ..real examples will help woman to understand . When it’s just your words …of precision possibilities it’s hard to imagine .
Hey MollyB5, give this a listen. May not be exactly what you’re looking for, but helpful nonetheless. https://youtu.be/u7JITOEFS4Q
Yes….I heard that. It’s good .
Love this one! Reminds me of how a former friend of mine used to sleepwalk through life, always the one hard done to, never the one at fault. My perception of her changed when she tried to sabotage my exam prep because she got a bad grade from the same professor the previously, therefore my grade must now be worse, of course.
I got an A and suggested to her she should schedule with the prof to get an idea as to what was wrong with the work she had handed in and this will help her improve in future exams.
Got me a silent treatment. I cut her off and blocked her everywhere when she tried to play social media mind games with me.
Don’t you just hate it when your “friends” have better grades than you and rub it in your face when all you ever did was love them and support them.
She really didn’t deserve that
HG, why does the narc keep a bible in the back window of his car? There’s not a genuinely kind bone in his body. Everything is calculated for reaction and fuel, I believe. My tears make him smile. Surely he doesn’t read it or live by anything in it. What’s the purpose? Would that he were a man of conscience and integrity.
1. Façade management.
2. Provocation.
3. Triangulation.
Thank you.
VJ, I didn’t buy any of this stuff with next either, called him up on it. But since it was the golden period and I didn’t yet know about GOSO I got sustained love-bombing and: “hey you are so right, through you I’m understanding myself better and I want to learn this stuff with you. I want to change.” I fell for it like the fascist I am (he mirrored my own wanting to have better relationships) . Obviously because it was the golden period I probably wanted to hear this – – – and I hadn’t understood quite how strongly ET warps my logic when it comes to men.
What I find really *fascinating* is that they truly believe that they are victims, and at the same time, they are fully aware that they are manipulating people. I’ve recently witnessed how these manipulations are meant to give them fuel. They try to provoke a reaction from you by playing the victim and if you keep your composure and show NO EMOTION, they just quickly end the conversation and leave you alone. As if nothing had happened.
Oh god why do I attract these types????
I have a neon sign somewhere, I must do!!!
I heard some of this on Saturday evening… and since.
I’ve been there before with a victim Narc, I am not a saviour, I don’t wish to save anybody, so why… why do they flock to me! I do not give off vibes of the ultimate caretaker – infact i’m bloody anti-social at times and offish with sky high walls. I’m selfish. I’m abrupt, i’ll fight back. I just don’t get it, I don’t.
‘You are not like the exes, I can tell’
I felt like kicking him in the balls at this point BECAUSE I’M EDUCATED ENOUGH NOW TO KNOW HE IS A NARC!! A VICTIM NARC.
I am totally on guard now for these shit lines. Kudos to you
Right? Don’t they make you just wanna kick them in the balls? Thank you for validating that emotion for me.
Yes I’ve fallen for this many times
HG Could you please explain to me how narcissist feel if they fail at the seduction because the empath has learnt about narcissistic behaviour and doesn’t Allow themselves to get too close , also after the fury will they avoid that person knowing they can’t control them ?
It depends how your behaviour manifests. It will either wound (which could result in the ignition of fury or withdrawal as explained in the book Fury) or it is Challenge Fuel, which will prompt a manipulative response (usually benign in order to ‘overcome’ the resistance). It also depends on where you are in the fuel matrix, the school of narcissist, their fuel levels, what else is happening in the fuel matrix and the position in the dynamic. Thus there are many variables and if you wish to understand this further I recommend you book a consultation. Accordingly, dependent on these variable factors you may get withdrawal, there maybe an unpleasant lashing out, there maybe a switch to another easier target or you may receive a sustained love-bombing.
HG, I learned where the term ‘love-bombing’ came from yesterday. I didn’t know it was the result of the ‘Moonies’ cult who actually used that term. ‘We’re just love-bombing you’ and then they hand you flowers at airports.