A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 56

My heart aches for you every minute of the day.  I still love you with all of my heart and soul.  You are the sun and I am Icarus. Though I know going back to you over and over again, I am begging to be lied to, used, devalued and discarded.  Because even before I knew what you were, I knew in my heart that this relationship was not a good thing.  Your love engulfed me and consumed me…your constant text messages, your declarations  of love, your words…so powerful, sweet and soothing made me as a lonely woman feel needed, sexy, Desired and beautiful.  You asked me to do so many things that were totally out of my character, like taking sexy or nude pictures, phone sex and sexting, which I had never heard of, putting money on your books, gifts and cards.

Considering myself a logic and intelligent woman, I never thought that this could happen to me in a million years.  On a drunken lonely night I posted an ad on Craig’s List for one hour, where many people responded wanting to satisfy my loneliness and quench the thirst of desire.  In my sober mess, I took the ad down and rebutted all responders.  All back away except you.

You were persistent in telling me that you just needed a friend and someone to talk to.  I also needed a friend and thought this would be perfect…a friend that I would never meet, so I would never betray my marriage to my best friend.  Oh, but you had other plans for me that went far beyond friendship.  You succeeded in you quest to steal my heart with no intention of ever loving me the way that I deserved.

After stealing my heart, that’s when the true test of my love for you began….you told me you were in prison for a 25 year sentence…..my love persisted, you told me that you were married after a year of loving you, my love persisted, then the money, the picture, phone sex, the triangulation……my love persisted.  All the face book pages with all of the female friends, many barely with clothes…my love persisted.  I continue to run from you attempting no contact….it hurts to stay, it hurts to go….I am Icarus and you are the sun.

The last time we spoke, I said I love you.  You response was ” I know baby, I know”.  I said goodbye for for the 100th time, vowing to never return.  Your response, ” why do you keep lying to yourself, you will be back”. When we speak, there is no new or intelligent conversation – we talk about your wife and how you must manage everything from prison because she is not smart enough, we talk about your son who is also in prison following in your foot step, though you claim you raised him from prison, you and your wife get your grand daughter every week, though she is free and your are behind bars, your promises of getting paroled soon so you can choke me, kiss me, cum down my neck and rape me until I call your name. Or we have phone sex or you need money.  I am determined to GOSO this time my love, because , the longer I remain here, the more you will hurt me and we come from two different worlds.  Our ideas of love have two different meaning which is not good for me. When we are together, I lose more and more of myself. When we are together I feel insane….loving someone who was never mine to love.  I lose all sense of self and there is only you and no me.  I am Icarus and you are the sun that will burn me alive and move onto the next victim.

Codependent Icarus – GOSO.