A Piece Of Your Mind
Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.
1. Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.
2. Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”
3. Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.
4. Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.
5. To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.
6. Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.
7. The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.
8. Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.
9. Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.
10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.
11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.
Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.
But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?
1. Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.
2. This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.
3. If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.
4. You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.
5. We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.
6. You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.
The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.
24 thoughts on “A Piece Of Your Mind”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I hate that I lose control and send him my rants, links to articles I’ve read on narcissism and I even told him when I slept with someone else! Now I know for sure it’s just a waste of time because it doesn’t phase him at all . Thank you
HG,
I’ve been following the news about Trump being at the G-20 summit and also having his daughter Ivanka there with him.
His presence there and his meetings with other world leaders (and also Ivanka being there without a credible reason or qualifications) have caused heated discussions, derogatory comments and backlash in the news and on social media.
Do you think all of that commentary amounts to fuel to Trump? Do you think he becomes discouraged or insecure from reading all the disparaging views about him?
It also made me re-read your excellent analysis on Trump from around two years ago (A Very POTUS Narcissist). It was disheartening to read that you said he’d have to be dragged out of the White House because he will twist and turn and do whatever it takes to retain control and that attempts to have him impeached will fail.
His narcissism is becoming more and more pronounced on the world stage, so I wonder if, and how long, other (more credible) world leaders will tolerate him?
If it is about him, it is fuel.
Of course not, he ‘loves it’, it is fuel.
When you lead the most powerful nation on earth you tend to be tolerated. Plus, other leaders being narcissists themselves will believe they can control The Donald to their advantage.
Thank you for your reply HG.
That’s interesting that you describe derogatory and mocking comments as all being ‘fuel’. I would have thought that some of the disparaging things in the news and on social media would be ‘wounding’.
Also, I think that Ivanka being there would be something other world leaders would find difficult to condone and tolerate, even though they recognise the importance of diplomatic relationships with the US etc.
It’s quite something to have the collective ‘illusions’ of narcissist leaders playing out on the world stage.
Thanks again for your insights HG.
The best way to convey how we really feel is to just walk.
We might not feel what the impact of that action is, the statement it’s making , for either one of us- at first
But LATER we will. And at that point we will laugh SO GOOD that we did it.
Just ghost. Totally GHOST. You’ll thank yourself later for so many reasons not the least of which is when it all sinks in- you’ll have had the last laugh
# 4 !! YES
And when we DO grasp the situation- the desire to do any of this goes limp. No- first it is seen as useless, and goes limp. THEN it is actually SEEN to be what it is (#5 & 6) and dies entirely.
Articles like these I found the most helpful in the beginning to remain no contact. As time goes on it’s easier and easier. I had literally been every one of these scenarios with the same narc. It astonishes me how the psychology of it all is so accurate.
What about telling the narc how you feel in a calm
Manner? (No I’m not going to go seeking out my narc) but I’m curious… are the reactions different? Is being able to express yourself calmly wounding? Or at least… in the narcs eyes more “credible” ? More frustrating because they can’t get the intended affect you desired?
If so…
Will the outcome be better for the empath. I realize instinctually we don’t do this. But once we have the knowledge can we use this knowledge our advantage?
but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.
May i ask HG Tudor, is there another way which you could recommend?
Sorry for my English, im Dutch.
Thank you for your blogs, expertise.
You are welcome An. You apply the first golden rule of freedom, you get out and stay out.
Even though the narc has disengaged with me, I still feel like I’m on the roller coaster. Most days I’m ok. Other days, I sink low. On those days I’m low, I want to reach out to the narc and tell him off. Your blog always helps me stay the course. Thank you. I’d like to get some of your books. Which ones do you suggest to get passed the emotional thinking and the ever presence.
Leigh, definitely ‘Exorcism’
Thank you!
I have learned from here and from my own experience with my narc that nothing I say in those moments matter to him one bit. No reasoning amounts to anything. He actually either looks into my eyes with the ever so slightest of smile willing my tears to fall, or his all time favorite of walking away, leaving me feeling even worse. No words or feelings matter. And I know this in the back of my mind, even as I try to reach his one good atom.
The temptation to give them a “piece of my mind” is overwhelming… but, I am learning, from reading these articles, that to do so, is to fuel them, and harming myself. Beating up on my pillow is much more productive. I have already beat up, and destroyed several of them (pillows, not Narcissists), just this last year.
Oh shucks, Tamara, I thought you meant Narcissists for a second! 😂
We can dream… 😊 (I did get him with my stun-gun after he attacked me, and I finally managed to get away)…
Yeah don’t break NC- I understand the temptation but it’s soooooo satisfying later on down the line if you just ghost his ass. When you’re healed more you’ll be so pleased with yourself. It really is the best final word.
Thank you, WokeAF:
Yes, in fact, it’s so important that a constant reminder is even necessary for people like me, who sometimes are “bursting at the seams” to just speak that “one last thing” that seems so crucial to say. But, it probably would’ve made no difference had it been said, anyhow.
Thank you H.G.!! With this knowledge …You make me stronger and stronger !! I sit now in silence and it’s comforts me very much ! He unblocked me , and I will not give him what he wants…😜👍🏻 He will not get a single word from me..(🖕🏻) . Thank you, thank you, thank you…
You are welcome. Continue to seize the power!
Oh, I will..!! 💯👍🏻😉
Don’t ever give him what he wants!! You inspire me.
Mine unblocked me at one point as well… my “response”…. I blocked him and put the control in my hands. Whenever I get that tingling urge to spy I just tell myself “and do exactly what he wants?…. I don’t think so”
Yaaaay empath007!! Keep his ass blocked!