I Remember

i-remember 

The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had one this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

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45 Comments

  1. I also remember a lot of special moments with the narcissist. He has been seducing (and devaluing) me for more than five years, I just never succombed. He never really came close to me or asked me out, he is beyond that – too good for me, and too good for everyone, I suppose. He is the populair, adored, golden boy – or man – with many, many fans, so he prefers to simply seduce women (and men) for his own sense of power.

    Sometimes, I wonder why he continues to stalk me and to keep me close (by stalking me). Is it because I refuse to succumb? Is it because I have been avoiding him for a long time now? Sure, I have read enough on this site to understand what makes him tick. I just do not understand how he can make himself believe that I would be interested in him after everything he has done.

    What does he think? Let us imagine that I would succumb, finally. And then what? We would have quite some awkward conversations about our past, I imagine. Hundreds of beautiful memories!

    “Oh sweetheart, do you remember how you stalked me for weeks in a row? And how you changed vehicles, directions and outfits, only to make me think I was going crazy? That was so romantic, I really miss those times.”

    “Oh darling, do you remember when you bought all the books I have written? Not just one, as normal people would do, but the complete works? I really appreciated that. And do you remember how you made me sign my own books and took them home, only to never mention them again? Yes, those were the times! You made me feel so special and loved!”

    “Oh honey, do you remember how you called me by the wrong name? And how you said, when I did not react: “Did I just say Natasha? But your name is Nadège! How could I forget, I have no idea why I did that!” Yes, from that moment on, I started to fantasise about our future together.”

    “Oh, love of my life, do you remember ignoring me for weeks? Just before, you had finally – after three years! – asked me out, but apparently you were too nervous and too much in love to act on it. Oh, you are such a mysterious man! That is what I love about you: the mystery and the sensitivity!”

    “Oh sweetie, do you remember telling me out of the blue that you had become a father? I did not even know you had a girlfriend, and it was quite a surprise, because I realised you had been stalking me during the whole pregnancy. So very, very romantic – your girlfriend must have been very understanding and strong, to accept all that. Oh, and do you remember sending me a complete photo-album of the baby? Such a lovely baby indeed! I think that was the moment I knew I loved you. And your baby, of course, because I have always dreamt of becoming a stepmother to a newborn baby. Yes, you really knew how to love-bomb me, you were simply irresistible!”

  2. Princesssuperempath

    Thank you ,I really like you .You are so sweet and kind a true super empath .
    Your help is much appreciated and when you need help advice on anything ,I will be there to help you.

    Kiki xx

  3. Gag. Yup, the dates, memories, PTSD. I’m so pissed and worried because I’m trauma bonded to him. I love him. I hate him. Back and forth I go. My mental health counsel thinks I’m batshit, other stuff with my old ID’s and phones going on….its been two years. My health continues to head downhill. What can I do? So I’ll ask…is there anyone, anywhere in the US that deals with trauma bonding? I’m ready to give everything up to get what help I can. Being poor doesn’t help. Too fucked up in the head and body currently to hold down a job. And that pisses me off.

    1. T
      It is very difficult to get good quality mental health care in the US and, if you do find good care, it’s usually cost prohibitive. Keep reading and posting your way through it on narcsite. It took me about a year to get better but that’s how I did it.

    2. Hello T, I am so sorry you are in such pain and turmoil. I believe the fact that you are angry is a healthy sign. You have not resigned. You are stronger than you may realize, but suffering an emotional and (brain) chemical addiction.

      I strongly recommend a private consultation with HG. He will be able to identify the type of person you have a trauma bond and the types of manipulation he is subjecting you to, and most importantly, he will be able to give you the best, most effective course of action. Look at the top of the page above for instructions on an audio or email consultation. I believe you will get more out of one consultation than months of therapy.

      While you await the consultation, be mindful of your critical inner voice. When you think negative thoughts about yourself, talk back to that voice in your thoughts. Set the record straight in your mind.

      If possible, find a positive diversion such as walking, meditating, art, sports, hiking, etc, and utilize these when you begin to feel stressed.

      As K said, keep reading and commenting on narcsite. We are all happy to support you. Bonds of any kind are difficult to break, but trauma bonds are the most difficult. I wish you the very best with your healing and hope you find freedom soon.

  4. Congratulations, HG, on 15M. That is an impressive number, which will hopefully only increase further.
    I know it sounds daft, because I don’t know you personally, but I’m proud of what you have achieved, and especially in such a short amount of time.
    People recognise good stuff when they see it.

    1. Thank you, yes the vast majority do so and the rest, they recognise it but their envy won’t let them admit it,

  5. Counting days and remembering dates of specific events is sort of my ‘thing’.. I’m glad I’m not the only one and that you write about it here, HG, commenting it is a foolish thing to do because it just allows the narcissist to know there is fuel available for reaping.. I’m trying to be as unavailable as I can be.. I will keep all of the memories to myself..

  6. Well Done on your 15 million hits, HG: Thanks for pointing it out Desiree! HG: I dedicate the lyrics of The Water Boys song, `The Whole of the Moon` to you, and although you can not see me, good tears are coming from my eyes, after thinking about how much I have grown since being on Narcsite: [ `I pictured a rainbow
    You held it in your hands
    I had flashes
    But you saw the plan
    I wandered out in the world for years
    While you just stayed in your room
    I saw the crescent
    You saw the whole of the moon
    The whole of the moon

    You were there in the turnstiles
    With the wind at your heels
    You stretched for the stars
    And you know how it feels
    To reach too high
    Too far
    Too soon
    You saw the whole of the moon
    I was grounded
    While you filled the skies
    I was dumbfounded by truth
    You cut through lies
    I saw the rain dirty valley
    You saw Brigadoon
    I saw the crescent
    You saw the whole of the moon

    I spoke about wings
    You just flew
    I wondered I guessed and I tried
    You just knew
    I sighed
    … But you swooned!
    I saw the crescent
    You saw the whole of the moon

    With a torch in your pocket
    And the wind at your heels
    You climbed on the ladder
    And you know how it feels
    To get too high
    Too far too soon
    You saw the whole of the moon
    The whole of the moon!

    Unicorns and cannonballs
    Palaces and piers
    Trumpets towers and tenements
    Wide oceans full of tears
    Flags rags ferryboats
    Scimitars and scarves
    Every precious dream and vision
    Underneath the stars
    You climbed on the ladder
    With the wind in your sails
    You came like comet
    Blazing your trail
    Too high too far too soon
    You saw the whole of the moon.`]

  7. Hg this entry is so terrifyingly true.

    The twisted push pull .Im keeping this one close .

    You really sound horrible but at the same time you are helping us from this hell and I respect you for that a lot.

    It’s just so twisted , that poor woman .
    It is our weakness for love and belonging that the narc uses against us isn’t it.

    Would a narc run a mile from a very logical ,no issues strong person with high self regard who didn’t need them for validation .?
    I have a feeling they would.
    Is our fuel a projection of our own needs ,desires and weaknesses onto the narc so the narc can bend and manipulate it to suit as they know we want to feel wanted.
    Maybe I’m wrong .

    1. I provide you with the best information – you can love me for it, you can despise me for it but most of all LEARN from it

    2. The behaviour is horrible HG , but how can I not love what you do here for us ,that part I love about you.
      Still learning , I will slay this ET again .

      Kiki

      1. I’m the only one who is clear and direct and that means you know what you are getting. Beware the Mid Rangers that purport to assist you, not knowing what they are.

        1. Definitely time to consult with you HG .
          I’m not sure which consult though .
          Would it be the Zero Impact one .

          I need your help.
          I’m not sure where to start though ,I’m slightly ashamed of my fall this time.I went straight into the narcs web after months.Suffering a rather humiliating discard now which was super fast it made my head spin.Its embarrassing.
          I will be checking in Thursday coming for a consult with you .
          That’s a promise .
          I will email you to find out what’s best.

          Thank you HG .

        2. Possible you could expand more on the mid rangers who try and assist HG? What does that look/sound like?

          Kiki, here’s how I’ve approached this blog… sometimes you have to work with the enemy to defeat the enemy… The cops even worked with Ted Bundy during his sentence to solve other murder cases. When someone does not have a pyschopathic mind it’s impossible
          To understand how they think.

          Here we get the tools and information a normal could just not provide.

        3. Ok HG. Thank you. But when a midranger does a silent treatment doesn t he realise how stupide it is ? And Not normal ? Doesn t he realise that other people don t do that ?

        4. Hi HG

          I’m not getting any advice anywhere but here ,there are no mid rangers lurking . I don’t go anywhere but this site for advice.
          I never mention the narc to family or friends now.

          I know this is the best place to be .

        5. HG & Kiki, Please forgive the intrusion in a personal exchange, but your cautionary statement sparked a question I have wondered about here and on IG.

          Why do people (MRNs?) lash out at you and say you are harmful (with no evidence) or unhelpful (obviously false) and redirect them to specific other sites? Is it jealousy and resentment? Or fuel because by attempting to insult you and detract from your success, they somehow feel ‘powerful’? Their behavior seems illogical (and rude) to me.

          I visited many sites before finding you and I can attest to the fact that no one demonstrates your accuracy on this topic, nor is as helpful and involved. I would not have achieved my freedom from N manipulation and abuse without you and I am ever grateful.

          1. It is because
            1. They see the appreciation, questions etc of other people directed to me. That is fuel but it is going to me (not that I need it as explained in ‘About’) and when the MRN sees this fuel going to me AND NOT them, it triggers envy in them. Of course, they do not know what it is. Their narcissism wants them to halt the flow of fuel to me and cause it to flow to them so it makes the MRN believe they are right to attack me in some way/my readers in some way, so they do.
            2. Their narcissism blinds them to
            a. The lack of evidence for what they say
            b. The mountain of evidence which supports exactly why people come here, read here, succeed and appreciate this place.
            c. The accuracy of my work (initially) – they just are not allowed to see it because to do so would prevent them from trying to assert control and gaining fuel. They may switch from attacking me, to then doling out the pity play (why are you ignoring me and picking on me) to then trying flattery (your work is the best and thank you for what you do). I have had an absolute classic case of attack, pity play and then flattery just recently from an individual who thinks they are an empath and they are not. They got no response at all from me despite social media comment and direct emails.

          2. HG, Thank you so much for your very thorough response on the MRN social media comments against you (and your readers) and their pathetic attempts to redirect people to other blogs. It makes sense now in light of what you identify.

            I guess the MRN’s N construct, coupled with impaired or limited executive brain function, affects self-monitoring/self awareness at all times. This means the seagulls will continue to flock your way in perpetuity. They will not receive any energy from me. Thank you again for your expanded insight.

  8. You’re vile HG, but you know this.

    After my 2nd discard I went to the narcs House to collect my things. I had a key still, no one was at home.
    I went from room to room sucking up the sights, the smell, the everything.
    I lay on her bed and sobbed for what felt like forever.
    I knew she’d kept every card I’d ever sent in her bedside table. I took them out and read them all.
    I considered taking them… As they were mine, full of love poetry and later, protestations and pleading.. And self blaming.
    Then I noticed each one had been dated by her, on the back.
    I made this mean that they and I were so significant.
    I put them back…
    Hoping they would help her realise what she’d tossed away.

    By 3 months later I’d reinterpreted the dating.

    She’d known all along it was just a game, her game. She just wanted a record of my fuel output.. no doubt to sustain her if needs be when future supply was low.

    By the time I’d worked it out the key had gone back.
    Or rather, the original had but I’d made a copy.

    I was tempted to return for the cards for the next 2 years… But didn’t want to risk getting caught..
    And then didn’t want to be in the space.

    Finally, last year I burned and buried all remaining reminders and gifts including that key.

    It was very cleansing.

  9. These are really sick Individuals ! ! And …I’m so sure (!) , they have to pay for all of that !!
    Awww, wait… ! They already pay for that, with their
    senseless Being !! 👍🏻👍🏻💯

      1. HG
        Congratulations on hitting 15 Million!! So happy and proud!!💥🍾🥂🥰.

        With all of that out of the way I have a question for you please sir, Can a CoD be cured? I know we cannot stop being an empath, but just like an alcoholic or drug user can we beat being a CoD? Thank you for your time as always.
        Congratulations again BB!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

          1. So it’s like what you are doing, you changing your dynamic, is you managing your narcissism? I will always be watching for triggers and signs of falling back into attachments to men ( narcissists )? A drug user or alcoholic always has to stay away from alcohol and drugs, I’ll have to stay away from men the rest of my life? 🤷‍♀️

        1. FM1T, I just want to say I see big changes of late in the demeanor of your comments to others and I am impressed. You are ever your sweet self, but I see a new strength emerging and I love it. Even if our starting point does not change, we certainly can change our choices and evolve and I see that happening in you.😘

          1. Thank you FYC for noticing this, actually I am finally feel it and it’s as though there has been an explosion inside of me!! I have been in there all of this time and didn’t even know it, you are amazing and I want to thank you for all of the support and kindness you have always showed to me!! You Rock!! 😘💞🙃

          2. Oh FM1T, I am so happy for you!

            Your comment:
            “…it’s as though there has been an explosion inside of me…I have been in there all of this time and didn’t even know it…”

            Yes, you have. You are awake and alive and lived to tell the tale! You were in there all along, you were just given the lie that your value comes from another and they hold the power. Now you know you are a treasure and you hold the power. Watch out world!

            No turning back now. Even if you have a moment of doubt in the future, reject the lies and remain resilient. Well done, FM1T! And thank you for your sweet comment, but it is you who rock!💞

          3. FYC

            Thank you so very much! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! Lol. I couldn’t have done this without HG and everyone one else on the blog, but especially HG, he never gave up on me! I owe him my future, and will always be grateful to him. I still have things to work on and he hasn’t gotten rid of me yet, but there is no turning back now and nothing that I can’t do! If I have any doubts or feel myself slipping I know HG and my blog sisters, oh, and brother ( can’t forget Abe! ) will be right here! Besides I’m not going anywhere, there are many who still need understanding and support, plus who else would agitate HG the way only a little sister could do? Hahaha! Thank you so very much FYC! 😘😘💞

          4. FM1T, I agree with you about HG and many here (minus the occasional seagull), this site and gratitude. I like the quote “Friends are our chosen family.” FM1T, Your future is bright!☀️😎😘

          5. Thank you FYC, I couldn’t have chosen a better family then the ones on here! Shhh! Don’t tell him, I could not have ever picked a better Big Brother, he is the best!! 😘😘🙃

      2. How shall we celebrate? Order more KTN swag? I’m still hoping for a contest of some sort. Surely, such a talented gift giver could create something awesome!

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