Cheating On The Narcissist

CHEATING ON THENARCISSIST

I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does happen. Not often, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

  1. During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
  2. The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
  3. The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured)  with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
  4. The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
  5. Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
  6. Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.

These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

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6 Comments

  1. Does a narcissist view ipss either shelved or discarded as cheating when they move on with someone else ?

    1. It will be labelled as such through retrospective comment when seeking to use a past event for the purpose of exacting control in the here and now.
      “You cheated on me with x” (even though at the time the narcissist did not know and did not care, because the IPSS was disengaged from or (more likely) was on the shelf).

      1. Why of course lol. Thank you HG replying. I know you are a Narc but you are so dang likeable!

        Btw when I asked on another post if I was reading too much into some things I noticed, it turned out I wasn’t. This man has not spoken to me in 1 year A YEAR and all of a sudden I have been unblocked from a fake profile that he often uses with many of our mutual friend those in his inner circle know it’s him including me. Is that a passive Hoover ? Is that him trying to get in front of me so I’ll contact him ?

  2. My first marriage ended due to the punishment I was enduring daily after being caught in a narc “one time thing.” I had a new baby, I wasn’t really functioning on all cylinders mentally/emotionally and made a poor choice after being approached at work. I was very emotionally not ok and I’m not blame shifting it just is what it was.. My then spouse came home while we were together and we didn’t even sleep together but anyway—your description of the mid-range behavior he deployed at me is spot on. The punishment persisted for a year and a half and the marriage ended because I’d had enough. He would drive erratically in the car, berate me for leaving the house, on and on.. It was intolerable. Funny thing—we got along fine after the separation and were friendly though he did smear me to other women in his life. Was he entitled to this? Yes to the smearing. Basically HG—my poor choice saved me years of eventual escalation into more nonsense with this particular narcissist. A devaluation would have occurred eventually regardless. Now I hooked up with a worse one yes—but I see this so clearly now. My first husband was very handsome and charming—well loved by all. He descended into horrible alcoholism and was unrecognizable (incredibly so) at the end. I helped him—he was kind to me and we were friends as he struggled. He was even arrested for flashing a teen girl while drunk. He died shortly after—he was found in a hotel room dead four years ago. It was horrible. Was he a narcissist though? I believe likely so because of how abhorrent he tortured me just as you wrote here coupled with his addiction and some other things—and it illustrates that these dynamics are different when the players are different. Alcohol became his fuel. I have no ill feelings toward him and miss him—but that year and a half was just as your wrote. Normals don’t torture people in the way he did me. I accept my role yes—and to be honest he never would have let me have 4 kids as I have now—he only wanted the one and I wanted more. It would have become miserable eventually regardless. I wouldn’t cheat on a partner now ever. My life is different.

    1. Well, this is interesting indeed. My narcissist lover constantly accuses me of infidelity — with the security guards at my office, with random people on the street, with old boyfriends, with unknown secret lovers who are part of my double secret life. When I refuse to admit to any of this, he tells me that I’m a liar, that I lie about everything, and that he doesn’t believe a word I say. He even accused me of sleeping with my dentist. The evidence: I wore a skirt to the appointment.

      The reality is I’ve never cheated on him. I’m 62 years old, which makes all of this even more ludicrous. Where does this kind of irrational jealousy, impossible to disprove, fit into the narc’s scheme, HG?

      1. It is devaluation and is being done in order to assert control.

        When you go to the dentist, you are doing something chosen by you. The narcissist feels (but does not recognise this) that he is having his control threatened. Remember, form your perspective you do not see this, but from the narcissist’s alternate perspective this is real to him. Accordingly, because he must have control (because if he does not he feels weak and powerless) his narcissism selects a method of asserting control. He can do nothing whilst you are at the dentists (you are not there) so he will (unconsciously driven by his need for control)

        1. Make comments about you sleeping with the dentist before you go – this is designed to stop you going and thus he has control. It is the basis of The Battle of Going Out; or
        2. He does it on your return to assert control and punish you.

        The fact he chooses the fact you wore a skirt as evidence to support the allegation is of course ridiculous from his perspective, but it is not from his. He sounds lower echelon to me otherwise he would come up with more plausible grounds for these allegations owing to a higher level of cognitive function.

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