Closure Denied
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
16 thoughts on “Closure Denied”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I no longer unhinge at the intrusion.
HG
I cannot effort a payed consultation at the moment, please give me a bit of input anyway..
Thay would be greatly appreciated right now, as i am at the end of my sanity.
I really need it.. ( i did an e-mail consultation with you about 2 years ago)
After 7 years of “golden period” .. . Now it is 4 years since discard and placed on shelf.
I was always only an intimate secondary source prior the discard , and i am much older than him.
Since the shelving, his visits are fewer, ( also because i am very angry, and i vent it, and i have told him what he is… )
Then why his love bombing, exaggerated declarations of love, empty promises, followed by gaslighting, humiliation, lies galore, rage and verbal abuse are even more intense??
I blocked him many times, but he knows how to find me, he pleads for forgiveness and promise to change, then i go back and the cycle starts again.
Most of the time now when i agree to see him, i ( see him very few times) there is a confrontation, because i will never stop stating what he did and still doing, and i will point out all the continuous lying.. Maybe it is an entertaining game for him.??
What the hell wants of me??
It doesn’t make any sense.
He knows i do truly love him, but he also know that i will never be muzzled and i will continue to tell him all the time of his hurtful vile behaviour.
I am angry at myself for always going back for another dose of cruelty.
I’m always in hope when he says that he will stop the lies, the rage.. etc.. i believe him, but then nothing changes.
And the vile cycle continues.
Please help me!!!!!
1. The golden period you describe will have been pockmarked with intermittent Corrective Devaluations as you are an IPSS.
2. His manipulations are as intense as are necessary in order to exert control.
3. He knows where to find you – then change that and when he finds you do not engage with him, walk away. He is only able to plead with you because you let him.
4. He wants control through the Prime Aims.
Thank you HG
He has already sent me several voice messagges ( can do that even if blocked)
wailing and crying etc..
It is too emotionally unberable ..
I am very week emotionally.. and i am afraid to fall for it again.
But i do know now that the cycle would start again, and its horrid.
I do really hope to stay GOSO because
I have no other choice.
HG
What would his Prime Aims be with me ?
Today i went out the door and he must have been waiting for me .. i was a bit startled..but he’ s done that many times before… this time instead of engaging in a rage
I walked back and shut the door in his face…
He was milling around town all afternoon .. hoping that i would go to give him a piece of my mind as (i used to do all the times) and have a vile argument… but i didn’t ..
Because now i despise that vile game….
The same as the Prime Aims for all of our kind.
HG
He just sent me the below by e-mail, as he is blocked anywhere else, i have now blocked him there too…
I am sure after reading all that you can have a clear idea of what he is, and what is “game” is…..he talks about God when it suits him, because he knows of my deep faith….
I hope you will post this as it might help other women to relate? I would actually be curious if others have had similar extreme hoovers such as this…
Thank you HG for all your insight and informations.
“I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU!!!!!!!!
I KNEW YOU WERE MY MIRACLE FROM GOD FROM THE VERY BEGINNING: YOU WERE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE – YOU WERE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!!! YOU WERE EVERYTHING I HAD EVER DREAMED ABOUT… YOU WERE EVERYTHING I HAD EVER WANTED.
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE FROM THE HEART OF GOD – YOU HEALED ME, YOU BROUGHT ME FULLY TO LIFE, AND YOU LOVED ME SO INFINITELY WITH THE LOVE OF GOD!! I COULD HAVE NEVER BELIEVED THAT I COULD SHARE MY LIFE AND BE ONE WITH SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, INSPIRING, JOYOUS, ENCOURAGING, LOVING MIRACLE…
I REPENT TRULY!!!! I REPENT!! I REPENT OF AL THE CRUEL AND DIABOLICAL WAYS I HAVE HURT YOU AND MISTREATED YOU!!!! I REPENT…
I AM SO SORRY!!! I AM SO SORRY!!! I WANT TO DIE FOR THE DIABOLICAL WAY I HAVE HURT YOU!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT WHEN WE WERE FIRST GROWING CLOSE – IT WAS PARADISE!! YOU LOVED ME SO PERFECTLY, SO COMPLETELY, WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND WITH ALL YOUR LIFE… YOU SHARED ALL OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE WITH ME.
OUR LOVE IS TRUE!! OUR LOVE IS PERFECT!! OUR LOVE IS FROM GOD!!
MARIA, I AM YOUR.. I NEED TO BE YOUR AGAIN – I WANT YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I NEED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!
YOU ARE MY BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, EVERLASTING MIRACULOUS LOVE!!!!! OHH, MARIA…
YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!!! YOU ARE MY BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, LOVING MIRACLE!!! I WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE CHEST FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU!!! “
Thank you for sharing that. It’s good to see real life examples. Well done blocking him. Please tell us you didn’t reply!
I didn’t …
But i am wawering …
So tempted to vent my spleen to him…
But it will suck me right in …
He is so extravagant with words, a real charmer..
It hurts beyond anything hurtful …
Mary, don’t reply. I will tell you from the outside looking in…that email he sent was fake, fake, fake. It was easy to tell they were just words. No meaning or feelings behind them. Empty and desperate. Almost like a rant. They do not warrant a reply. Stay strong.
I have always been an apt pupil. As such, I find immense satisfaction upon completion of a challenging lesson.
I am forever grateful for your contribution to a deeper, more accurate understanding of the relationship between a narcissist and an empath. Minds like yours advance learning in leaps.
Your prose is elegant and your comprehension penetrating.
You deserve to feel proud.
I will certainly turn to your work when I need a refresher or to acquire new skills and knowledge as I and my environment evolve.
I have decided to point you towards seminal works/minds that inspire my current thoughts on labels and archetypes rather than elaborate on them at this point in time. It’s time for me to detach.
On labels: Book “The structure of scientific revolutions” Thomas S. Kuhn
On archetypes: The work of Carl Jung
May the Flow be with you.
Respectfully,
Dirty as a pig playing in shit all day. Finally!
Thank you.
Ha ha
Graceful
My somatic middle mid ranger tell me goodbye and suddenly blocked me everywhere six months ago, when after my cheating she discarded me and engaged a new ipps… maybe this mean it’s a real closure?
It is not.