The Dirty Empath – Infidelity
The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.
There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).
Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behave in a way which is empathic with other people.
There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the class of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them.
This class of Dirty Empath has various streaks which appertain to the relevant narcissistic trait which prevails and this includes the streak of infidelity.
Thus where the empath is already in a romantic relationship, whether living together,boyfriend and girlfriend or married and they embark on a romantic, sexual relationship outside of that relationship, their narcissistic trait of infidelity has risen to the surface and remained there. What has caused that to happen? As ever, it is a symbiotic equation.
From the empath’s side there is something not right within their existing relationship which means that the narcissistic trait comes to the fore.
For instance, let us take the example whereby the spouse of the empath is either an empath or a normal and has become impotent and/or has no interest in sex any more. All else is well within the relationship – they care for the empath, they pull their weight around the home, they are a good parent, they have a decent job and so on. All is largely well, save for the issue of sexual relations. In such a situation, the empathic spouse has the following choices:-
- Recognise that all else is well within the relationship, that sex is but one facet (albeit an important one) and accept that it is better to have all of the other good elements of the relationship and therefore not seek to damage the relationship or hurt their spouse by seeking sexual interaction outside of the marriage. This is the response of an empath who has no dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity;
- As above save that the empath regards sex as so significant that they need it yet they do not want to hurt their spouse. Accordingly, they seek their spouse’s blessing to seek sex outside of the marriage but otherwise want nothing more external to the relationship. This is the response of an empath who has the narcissistic trait of infidelity but it is not so strong as to amount to a dirty streak;
- As per point one, save that the empath craves sexual interaction and knows it can only be achieved outside of the relationship. They therefore seek out sexual encounters with other people but have no desire to leave the existing relationship. This individual’s narcissistic dirty streak has risen to the fore and governed the behaviour of this particular empath.
With regard to this third element it remains relatively rare that the empath will do this unilaterally because their traits of guilt, honesty, decency and compassion will fight against the desire to accommodate the narcissistic desire of infidelity. If the narcissistic trait is very strong, the empath may still seek out these encounters and have them with normal people, an empath in a similar position to their own or find a narcissist.
What happens more often than not in this third situation is that the empath spouse has been targeted by our kind.
An empath with no narcissistic streak of infidelity (or a very low one) will resist the sexual overtures of the narcissist. They may remain as a Non Intimate Secondary Source to the narcissist. It is highly unlikely they would be targeted to begin with in any event by the narcissist.
An empath with a narcissistic streak of infidelity, which is greater than very low, will succumb to the overtures of the narcissist and find themselves engaged in an affair, breaking their wedding vows, breaching the trust of their partner and becoming sucked in to the world of the narcissist. If the narcissistic streak of infidelity is very strong, the empath may even have sought out (unconsciously) the narcissist.
Combine the narcissistic streak of infidelity in the Dirty Empath and a narcissist and infidelity is a given. How this pans out very much depends on the desires and wants of the narcissist. Please see the latter part of The Married Target as to how we are drawn to those who are married and are thus susceptible to our overtures. We may want the empath to become our IPPS and thus they are designated the role of Candidate IPSS as we love bomb them and lure them away from their spouse using our range of manipulations in the way that is described in ‘The Married Target’. It may be the case that both Dirty Empath and narcissist are content with an arrangement whereby the Dirty Empath is a Shelf IPSS and sees the narcissist intermittently and is treated as a friend with benefits, side person or mistress. Both parties are content with this. The narcissist gains in accordance with The Prime Aims and the Dirty Empath scratches that itch for sex outside of the marriage (coupled with the excitement that accords with it) but keeps their own relationship intact.
Sometimes the Dirty Empath becomes the Dirty Little Secret and is content with that arrangement also.
Note however that whether the Dirty Empath is a Candidate IPSS, Shelf IPSS or Dirty Little Secret, this is always at the behest and control of the narcissist. The Dirty Empath may willingly embrace the dynamic (unaware of course that they are with a narcissist and what their role is) as it fulfils the desires of the narcissistic trait of infidelity.
The issue arises however when the Dirty Empath wants to remain in the role of Shelf IPSS or DLS but the narcissist wants the empath to become the IPPS. Battle is joined to pull the Dirty Empath in the direction the narcissist requires with all of the drama, triangulation and heartache that follows. The problem for the Dirty Empath is that having allowed themselves to be governed by the narcissistic streak of infidelity they have already trampled over their partner and the narcissist knows this. In the same way you cannot get a little bit pregnant, you cannot be a little bit unfaithful, you either are not or you are.
Where the Dirty Empath has hitherto enjoyed being the Shelf IPSS or DLS, keeping this activity secret from their partner and enjoying all the other benefits of the best of both worlds, it is the narcissist who ultimately calls the tune and if he or she wants that Dirty Empath in a different role, the narcissist will strive to make it happen. If the Dirty Empath will not accord with the change of allocated role then he or she can expect their partner to be told of their infidelity and invariably the narcissist will have evidence (photos, film, documentary evidence of hotel trysts, oral testimony from Lieutenants) to use against the Dirty Empath. If the threat of release of this material does not persuade the Dirty Empath to submit to the whim of the narcissist, then it will be released. The hitherto painted white Dirty Empath will be painted black, they will be devalued prior to dis-engagement and their own existing relationship with spouse or partner will be the prime target of the narcissist for the purposes of causing its destruction and spreading misery. The need to punish the disobedient Dirty Empath and the significant fuel available (negative fuel from IPSS, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary cuckolded spouse, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary sources allied with said spouse and/or Dirty Empath, positive fuel from loyal secondary/tertiary sources to the narcissist) means that the chances of the Dirty Empath being ‘let off’ are virtually nil.
The Dirty Empath may find they can keep their own infidelity quiet for some time, remain as a DLS or Shelf IPSS and enjoy an elongated golden period with the narcissist, but they have no control over that. If it continues that way, this is purely down to the approach of the narcissist. There remains a risk that the narcissist will wish to change the dynamic and with that comes significant consequences for the playing away Dirty Empath, his or her spouse, partner and family.
Those who “give in” to their narcissistic trait (and this is usually because a narcissist has ‘sniffed out’ this Dirty Empath will eventually end up suffering.
This happens in the following circumstances :-
- The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist wants to promote them to Candidate IPSS and then IPPS, but the DE does not want this as this will blow open their infidelity;
- The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist decides to dis-engage against the will of the DE;
- The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, but the narcissist does not want this to happen;
- The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, achieves this, leaves their former spouse with all of the attendant heartache that causes and then enjoys a golden period with their newly acquired (but unrecognised) narcissist. Of course you know what is coming next don’t you? Yes, the DE IPPS is then devalued and dis-engaged from. Their narcissistic streak of infidelity has seen them lured from an otherwise satisfying relationship, drawn by the golden allure of the unrecognised narcissist only for that to collapse and now they find themselves alone, rejected and often hated by narcissist and the cuckolded spouse they once had.
The Dirty Empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity who becomes ensnared by our kind is only heading for misery. They do not have the lack of remorse, lack of conscience or lack of guilt that allows us to drive ever forward. Instead they are left to rue the consequences of this narcissistic trait being intensified and exploited by our kind.
Further articles will follow concerning the various streaks of the Dirty Empath.
42 thoughts on “The Dirty Empath – Infidelity”
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I like to play in the mud and get down & dirty with the dirtiest of them, but I have never cheated sexually in my life. A relationship is sacred even if the partner decides to be a cheat because he is a Somatic Narcissist who has a crush on his mummy.
Hg am I a dirty empath if I was single but narc was married
Kiki
DEMB
I’m a dirty empath. But also have alot of empathic traits.
HG I’m a dirty empath. All was well as ipss, until recently and his fiancé had their baby. I’m shelved, but what I want to know. Do babies fuel narcissists? It seems very potent as his engagement didn’t affect our relationship, but baby has ? He’s ignoring me. Btw loving all your holiday pics with SM.
A baby provides fuel, yes, but they are hardly reliable and are more likely to be used for Pity Plays and Triangulation.
Thank you for the kind comment Oli, they are not holiday pictures though.
Thank you for the reply HG. Well you insta photos are wonderful and I’m very entertained by all the comments! Good day HG
Hi oli…its a novelty a baby wait until the newness wears off and the work begins he will be back! You will be his respite but now is your time to flee!
Thanks I appreciate your comment. Yes I know I should flee!
Honey I am a dirty empath but ex narc was married for 20 years when we met I fell for the long list of pity plays and he was extremely smooth and I was quite innocent
I’m not berating you but why would you want to be with a man with a fiancé whose pregnant
They aren’t even in the boring stages of marriage so why the heck is he cheating he hasn’t even the pathetic excuse of for the sake of the children ,finances ,divorce etc
Please get away from this user he worse than a married man
A narcissist with a baby is no different than them having children any age. Do agree with Hg for fuel and triagulation. And all the same pity plays. You will get less and less time. When the fiancee starts getting the devalue. There will be a pity Hoover. He will probably come creeping at your door.
Kelly B one thing I do not understand is can the narc not be with both ipps and ipss at the same time? Does one have to be devalued or shelved for him to be able to have sexual relations with one or the other? One has to be black and the other white?
I would never..
Me neither
I have no remorse or guilt whatsoever. Am I a super dirty empath? But no, wait, I am not an empath. I am full of empathy for myself, this I know, for the rest of the world not so much. But not full blown npd either. I am between both worlds, both feel equally at home. But I am not bad. What am I?
Are you a normal person?
If an SE cheats on their narcissist are they a Super Dirty Empath?
No, they are a treacherous, disloyal wretch that deserves to be punished!
Am I a treacherous disloyal wretch?! Haha—he fucking deserved it. I still laugh when I think of one dalliance in particular and then I went home and.. What a dick.
HG-
The narcissist can’t really believe a DE DLS who met him she when married, then divorced (for other reasons) would never, ever, ever cheat, correct? That seems insane to me.
Side note: I’ll be consulting, but I seem to have been treated like a DLS/IPSS combination. I was treated to much more than described here.
It is called magical thinking.
Why do empaths have to be faithful? Who wants resigned to that horseshit?
Because empaths have emotional empathy which means unless there is a reduction in that emotional empathy, they are faithful. They do not, as a matter of routine and because their EE acts as a protecting agent (see the Empathy Cake) cheat and they do not do so because they have consideration for the person they are in a relationship with, they would not want it to happen to them, so they do not do it to others. This does not mean empaths never cheat, they do, owing to a reduction in that emotional empathy caused by external factors and the increase in emotional thinking caused by the presence of a narcissist. It is not a case of HAVING to be faithful, they are because that is what it means to possess emotional empathy and have traits such as honesty, decency, caring, compassion etc.
I understand. I can’t imagine being in a committed relationship though. I’d rather hang from a tree. I just can’t commit that type of energy to someone—maybe this prevents cheating because I know I don’t want to give that much to anyone.
You called it, HG.
A “reduction in EE caused by external factors”– the N’s devaluation caused covert retaliation. I wanted to hurt him, which is emotional thinking.
My partners never need to know– that would hurt both of us. Secret, self-satisfied, enjoyable retaliatory behavior, obviously not new to me, resets my emotions. He triggered this more than once.
Now that I know I was experiencing intentional “corrective devaluation” I find solace and laugh. As Lorelei said, he really fucking deserved it.
Every time this one comes around, it is just the reality check I need. Time to count my blessings that things ended up the way they did 🙏
Joanne, I can tell from your response this time you are better. If I remember right, there was a lot of pain in your comments last time this article was posted.
Mercy
Thank you! Yes I am feeling SO much better these days. NC is almost two months now with a couple minor setbacks (viewing his public social media). I feel like I’m finally getting back on track and better in control of my emotions which are no longer being pulled toward him. It’s unreal the length of time it’s taken to get here when you consider the length of the affair itself 🙄 It annoys me that I still waste time thinking about him but I think in a lot of ways the whole experience is just so mystifying in itself.
How are you doing? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here. I hope things are going well 💕
Joanne, 2 months is something to be proud of and your comments prove that you are in a better place. I know what you mean about being annoyed that you think about him all the time. I get annoyed about the same thing but I find it’s not so much about me thinking of him but more about me trying to figure out how I got stuck on someone so beneath me. Your description of it being mystifying is dead on.
I am doing well. You know about the hoover. I had about a month of contact with him. It was curiosity more than anything. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what his thoughts were while we were NC, who he was with etc. I missed nothing, the answer to all of my questions I had about him is simple, FUEL. I thought with my knowledge I could handle the occasional conversation without emotion and at first I had no problems, but they are relentless when seeking fuel. The less I reacted the harder he tried to break me. I recognized that my emotions were taking over so I shut him down again. This time I feel no pain or sadness.
They have nothing positive to offer us. I’m so glad you are better. He may be in your mind but he is just a symbol now. A symbol of what you endured, what you’ve learned and how you have grown ❤️
Mercy
Yes, I remember the hoover. And you’re right. At the start, we think we can handle it being armed with the knowledge. It works for a short time, like you say, but eventually emotions take over and it’s so easy to get sucked back in to the sea. I’m glad you were able to shut him down without the pain or sadness. I’m sure it wasn’t easy when he was relentless like that, so good job staying strong! <3
In his audio consult, HG told me "nothing good can come of this" when I asked about ways to keep him on MY hook (lol). And that is the truth. Sure, we can allow them to coast in and out of our lives, lie to ourselves in believing we can manage it, but the reality is there is nothing positive. Just toxicity, wasted time, energy and emotion.
Strangely, he just hoovered on Saturday night which I explained in the recent poll. I stupidly replied to, but he is not relentless like yours. Once he senses the fuel is too hard to extract he slithers away again. Goodbye.
Hi HG,
So what happens when the DE wants to become IPPS and the Narcissist doesn’t want that.
Will he disengage, or place her on the shelf?
Corrective Devalaution, shelfing and if DE persists potentially disengaged.
THANK YOU FOR THIS H.G.. EVERY TIME I READ& RE-READ YOUR WORK I SEE SOMETHING NEW THAT I MISSED BEFORE. H. YOU ENLIGHTEN ME MORE AND MORE EVERY TIME , IT’S .AMAZING 💎💯.
You are welcome.
Hmmm. I might be a dirty empath.
Such filthiness!
HG, that’s harsh! Lol
Even after 16 yrs of no intimacy in a marriage? I don’t know what to say he is, but there was plenty of silent treatments, which I abhor to this day.
Hi kelly….i can relate my hubby and i have no intimacy. After years of struggling with this i met the narc and he sensed this void and filled it perfectly. I fit dirty empath except its not in my nature to cheat and it never was. The situation was a factor in me being with someone else. I tried for years to fix the intimacy problems and i now know i couldnt bc it takes two people to fix a problem between them.
I never thought id cheat. My dad cheat on my mum and i hated cheaters! Looking back as much as i love my husband i think maybe we shouldnt of stayed together. It hurts admitting that bc weve shared so much and have two amazing children but that intimate connection died very early on and thats a part of me that ive needed. I suspect my hubbys asexual but in the end it doesnt matter the reason we are not compatible in that area of our lives. Its a very lonely place not sharing intimacy so i get why youd look for it elsewhere.
There can be sex without intimacy. Even with a normal. There can also be intimacy without sex. Would you agree Chimum?
Chihuahuamum, it is also not in my nature to cheat, but it was a very lonely place. I stayed in that place for as long as I could, basically until my kids were grown. I craved affection. Then, I figured if I was going to be alone I’d rather live alone and be legit. I mean everyone else thought we were perfectly happy.
I didn’t feel guilt at the time. Though I do now, occasionally, years later. Yes, the best part is we made two perfect kids together. Couldn’t have made those two with anyone else.
I didn’t feel like it was something we could work on or fix. It simply wasn’t there any longer. That may sound cold but I didn’t see how we could force that.
Everything you said… same
Wow, what an amazing read Mr Tudor. You’ve just described me and my situation perfectly
I like the term “Dirty Empath”. Clever. Your mind is powerfully penetrating. I respect that immensely.
There is no way to build a garden without getting dirty.