How Could You?

HOW COULD YOU_.jpg

 

“How could you do this to me?”

“How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”

“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”

“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”

“How could you get me into so much debt?”

“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”

“How could you not see what you were doing?”

“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”

“How could you tear us apart like this?”

“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”

“How could you? In our bed of all places?”

“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”

“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”

“How could you destroy our family?”

“How could you not control yourself?”

“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”

“How could you disappear like that?”

“How could you be so heartless?”

There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.

Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.

Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.

Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.

We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.

  1. Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
  2. Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
  3. Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
  4. No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
  5. No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
  6. No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
  7. You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
  8. No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
  9. Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.

How could you not realise all of this?

No wonder we get sick of you.

Listen to ‘How Could You’

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28 Comments

  1. I managed to maintain a total of 106 days of NC with my children’s father.. On July 6, he sent me a text message at 3:27 am saying only my name.. I replied to him a couple of hours later when I awoke at 5:55 am.. I didn’t send any words, just the following: “…” and he did not reply.. However, the next night/morning at the exact same time, he sent me another text, again saying only my name.. I replied the exact same way (…), but this time within 40 mins after his text was sent.. But again, he did not reply to me.. I didn’t hear from him again until July 8 at 10:03 pm, incidentally just an hour and a half before I would be in active labor.. I did not respond to his text message then, deciding he was truly wasting my time with only texting me my name–he wasn’t actually saying anything of significance.. However, about 45 mins after I gave birth, I sent him a text saying, “He’s here..” But he never replied..

    I went through slight anxiety in the hospital, wondering if he would call, or perhaps one better: show up so he could meet his son.. But he never did.. My baby is now 4 days old and I have yet to hear from his father.. My mind and heart are completely devastated–I can truly say I have never encountered this before and I could never even imagine these set of circumstances occurring with all people involved, all the way around.. What kind of person would not acknowledge the birth of their child by now? And what is their explanation of contacting the mother beforehand, but never actually saying anything?

    I have never known such heartache.. When I say I am truly hurting, I mean that deeply than I have ever felt before.. I have been getting by for the past few days, but in any moments notice, I could break into tears and just cry my eyes out for an extended time period.. I am just so hurt by this.. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest or something, because my actual heart hurts and feels like there’s been a massive injury sustained, one of which I truly can’t heal..

    When I try to put this into perspective rationally, I’m really feeling numbers 7 and 8 of this article.. I think my children’s father reaching out like that days before the baby would be born were hoover attempts to get me to open back up to him emotionally due to the impending event of our baby being born.. He wanted to be all mysterious about it, not saying anything in particular, probably so he could gauge how I would respond to him after such an extended silence.. But I will give myself credit and say I was vigilant enough to respond to him also not saying anything, as far as words are concerned.. However, once he realized this and that I went ahead and delivered our baby without him being notified and subsequently being present for the birth, he has now punished me by refusing to respond to or acknowledge my final text message telling him our son is here.. He knows he’s created a certain type of anguished anxiety within me now, wondering when or if he will reach out to see the baby.. And he probably hopes this emotional response will allow for me to oblige him whenever he makes his request, I’m guessing after his fury has subsided..

    He also has absolutely no conscience.. How could he really do this? This is a human life we’re talking about.. One that he created.. When I inform him of the news, how could he just dismiss it and live on in life as if this doesn’t faze him and he’ll respond whenever he feels like it? (if he even does) How could he not acknowledge his son? How could he make a decision to not be here as he was last time when our daughter was born? Why the inconsistency? And how could he ever rationalize this to make it turn out in his favor? Just Why? Why Why Why?

    I am sooo hurt.. 😢

    1. Bekah B, I’m crying with you sweetie. He doesn’t deserve to see his son. He can never be the father your son deserves. He donated sperm. That’s it. A father that does not make. Don’t offer up your precious child to be a pawn on his chess board. Block him or change your number. Imagine how much better you would feel right now had his messages not made it through?

      1. MB,

        Thank you so much for your comment.. It’s taken me a few days to really process my situation, put it into the best perspective, and really handle all the emotional overload I was experiencing last week.. I agree with you–my children’s father does not deserve to see his newborn son.. He has made an active decision to delete us all from his mind so he can pursue what’s in his best interest, as far as fuel is concerned.. Therefore I will no longer put my mental energy into deciphering why or how he could do this.. I’ll just chalk it all up to the most basic fact that he is a narcissist–point blank period.. And narcissists are not allowed in my life or my children’s lives, as much as I can help it..

        You are sooo insightful in bringing up the notion of me feeling better if those text messages in the days before my delivery never made it through to my phone.. Last week, I was thinking the same thing–I wouldn’t have been so confused, anxious, and puzzled if I never received them.. I am going to block his contact again.. I have known ever since last year that he is to be deployed with the Army to the Middle East in August of this year.. So he may try something like this–his arbitrary, text message contact attempts–again.. Only this time, I won’t even give myself an opportunity to be exposed to his manipulations..

        1. Good for you Bekah! Seize the power. Block the number. Far away from you and your children is the best place for him. You’ve got this girl. There’s no strength like that of a mama bear. If he can’t get through, he can’t set you back.

    2. Bekah, I understand your hurt, but I think you should not have any expectations or hopes for him. He is a narcissist and he doesn’t care much about many things, including his own son. You just gave birth on your own and you’re in a vulnerable state, both physically and emotionally because of the hormones and fatigue. Don’t let him get to you. If I were you, I would apply total NC. You need to reach Zero Impact too. Have you bought HG’s package about raising children with narcs?

      1. Lou,

        Thank you so much for your comment.. It’s taken me a few days to really process my situation, put it into the best perspective, and really handle all the emotional overload I was experiencing last week.. I agree with you–my children’s father is a narcissist and therefore does not genuinely care much about anything except fuel and how he can obtain it so it can be of the most benefit to him and him only.. I was *very* fragile last week, both emotionally and physically.. Although I still am to a certain extent, I am happy to say I believe I have overcome the worst of it.. It has been 10 days since my son was born and even though I still have a lifetime to go of accepting his biological father will never be a part of his life, the initial shock and disappointment of the matter has subsided.. I’ve already gotten used to life without the narcissist, and am *enjoying* getting used to life with my son.. These days are so precious and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.. When I look at my son’s face and just hold him close to me, I think of who he is right now, rather than dwell on what will be because his father didn’t care about him.. And I believe that’s the best way for me to go right now.. One day I will reach Zero Impact–I just know today is not the day.. And it is okay.. And as others here have mentioned, it seems to be quite a blessing to have a narcissistic parent who is disinterested in his/her children and therefore is absent, as opposed to having to deal with and subsequently co-parent with a narcissist.. I guess I’ll count my blessing on this one.. Lol

    3. Bekah B,

      Congrats on your baby boy 🙂

      I know you’re in a lot of emotional pain right now.
      But I have to say I agree with MB. And, having my experience of co-parenting (and knowing the experience of other parents co-parenting with a narc) I honestly would be thrilled if my narcissist exhibited this amount of disinterest in his child. I’d be happy to never have to communicate with mine ever again.

      This may not be what you want to hear right now. But it were me; I’d use that emotional pain to steel my heart against ever reaching out to him again. Use it to remind yourself that they have no real capacity for compassion but a very capacity to cause hurt – even through their inaction. Take care of yourself during this time so that you can be there, fully, for your baby.

      1. WhoCares,

        Thank you so much for your comment.. It’s taken me a few days to really process my situation, put it into the best perspective, and really handle all the emotional overload I was experiencing last week.. I can say I feel a lot better now..

        I am definitely able to see it now as a blessing to not have him in my life, actively a part of how our children are raised, when comparing how other mid range narcissistic parents insist on being in their children’s lives and cause much distress for the other parent, as well as the children.. I am sorry that has been your experience.. You are right–the inaction and absence causes intense hurt and pain.. And even if he were to now pursue me through a short-lived, benign hoover and apologize for his absence during the past 9+ months, I don’t believe I would or could ever forgive him.. For it is the absence and abandonment that hurt me the most.. It is something I will never forget.. And I will use just that to remind myself each and every time that he is no good for me, our daughter, or our son..

        1. Hi Bekah B,

          So glad to hear that you are feeling better emotionally and that (in another reply of yours) that you plan to block him out.
          This should be the time that you get to bond with your son and help your other children adjust to his arrival. That sounds challenging enough WITHOUT narc related stress.

          I recall saying – in the first few months after the birth of my son – “Babies aren’t stressful; their needs are pretty simple and easy to fulfill – it’s the ADULTS in their lives that bring on stress.” (Little did I know that my two closest sources of support, at the time, were both narcs.)
          Take care Bekah and enjoy your new little one 💙

    4. Bekah B,

      First of all, congratulations to you on the birth of your new baby boy. Your new son must be so beautiful! I hope the birth went well and that you and your new baby are both healthy, doing well and making a good recovery.

      Secondly, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this emotional distress at this time. Your baby’s father isn’t worth your heartache and questions Bekah B. He just isn’t. Narcissists are disordered people and they haven’t got it in them to give you what you need at this time in your life.

      You have just gone through a major event in giving birth and your emotional thinking is probably off the scale with or without any messages from the narc. And I have to say it, those messages he sent you are totally pathetic. Seriously, to play mind games with you a few days before your due date is just totally heartless and pathetic. He doesn’t deserve you or your new baby boy. You are better off without him.

      I know it’s hard, but please try to focus on yourself and your baby. Try and focus on the first few days of having a new son. Even though it may be hard, feel the happiness and excitement of that. They are memories to treasure. The pathetic narc sperm donor of a father isn’t worth taking that away from you.

      Best wishes to you and your new baby Bekah B xxx

      1. WiserNow,

        Thank you so much for your kind words, validation, and well wishes!! The birth did go well, although it was the worst labor pain experience I’ve had of the total 3 in my life.. Me and my little one are healthy, doing well, and just getting used to life together, here at home.. You are absolutely right–these are days to treasure and I am not allowing anything to mess them up.. Focusing on my new son and also trying to balance life with him and my older children has certainly kept me occupied for the past few days and healed some of the overbearing emotional thinking I was suffering from..

        You are correct in stating there is not anything a narcissist can give me that I need at this point in time in my life.. It was really foul for my children’s father to send those messages and play mind games like that before my delivery.. I didn’t even see it that way until you and others here pointed it out.. That’s why I am so thankful for this support network.. You all really help to validate my experiences when it really counts and it helps me tremendously in moving on and reframing certain emotional thoughts I may have that are slightly distorted..

        You’re right–he does not deserve me, our daughter, or our new son and we are all better off without him.. It’s just up to me now to apply that to everyday life with me and my children..

        Thank you again for your kindness, WiserNow, and I hope you are doing well, as well.. 🙂

        1. Hi there Bekah B! It’s lovely to hear from you and thank you very much for your message! You are very welcome and I’m glad to hear you and your new baby are healthy and doing well. Myself, I’ve never given birth, so I can’t even imagine the labor pain. I think all mothers are superhuman for going through that though.

          It sounds like you’re in a better frame of mind now and that’s really great. The well-being of you and your two children is the most important thing for you to focus on at the moment, and it’s probably a very busy time for you so I’d say that is probably all that you ‘can’ focus on at the moment, and that is more than enough.

          Keep reading here and posting when you have the time and motivation. I totally agree with you that this support network is very helpful in many ways. There will always be someone here who will answer. Emotional thinking can take any of us for a ride at times, and in your case after having a baby, I think you are doing really well. It takes time and effort to get the ET under control, so if you need to come here and vent, that’s fine. I do, and it feels really good to have a place where it can be done and there are people who understand and are ready to help if needed.

          I’m doing well, thank you. Thanks for asking. I am thinking and reading about this subject every day, and as time passes, I feel I’m getting a little stronger in my thinking all the time.

          Thanks again for all your lovely and thoughtful messages Bekah B. All the best to you and your children 🙂

    5. Bekah B
      Your due date was probably a hoover trigger. Do you have any support; Family, friends, etc?

      Your comment is heartbreaking and you are very, very upset, rightfully so, when you have the chance, please read the article below. The logic will help combat the emotion. Keep posting your way through this.

      https://narcsite.com/2017/01/30/but-why-2/

      1. K,

        Hey there! Thank you so much for your comment.. As always, I do sincerely appreciate hearing from you! I do have family support, in a physical, practical sense.. Not so much emotional–my emotions and experiences are most times downright complicated and hard to convey to anyone.. But that is why I appreciate this support network.. You all help to validate my experiences when it really counts.. That coupled with the logic and rationale of HG’s articles really do help me to reframe and put things into a better perspective so I can move on from the initial waves of negative and despairing emotions, and reach a neutral state of mind where I am able to handle daily life without thinking of the ex narcissist in my life..

        I read that article and it really does help to think that since all I am/was to him is/was an appliance, it’s just best to stay non-functioning.. It’s been this way for 9+ months now…..I can certainly go another 9+ months..

    6. Bekah, my heart hurts for you right now. Like others have mentioned your emotions are at it’s peak with the hormonal changes happening in your body. That’s the logic of it but it doesn’t take away the pain. This is a storm you’re going to have to ride out. I wish we could all be there to help you through it. Family and friends don’t understand the added stress you are going through right now. Having a baby is life changing no matter how many times you’ve been through it. Any life changing moment requires time to adapt but the manipulation that your ex is putting you through will make the process more painful then it has to be. You will weather this storm and come out stronger for it. When the storm has passed I know you will see that his actions are proof that your children need to be protected from this man.

      1. Mercy,

        Thank you so much for your comment, your kindness, and your validation.. I appreciate your responses always.. Everything you wrote is absolutely correct–my family and friends do not totally understand my experience and can only help but so much.. I feel it every time I get ready to express what is on my mind to them, but stop myself from doing so.. Just as you said, having a baby is a very unique experience no matter how many times a woman has had one before, and each bout of postpartum is just as unique and a storm I must ride out until I can overcome it.. At the moment, I feel better than I did last week, but I know over time I will continue to have many ups and downs.. All I can do is focus on what is right here and right now–and the best part of that is enjoying my son as a newborn baby.. It is difficult to balance life with him now and my older children, but it is something I am committed to focusing on and perfecting to the best of my ability.. Correct–it is incredibly difficult to try to do this when my ex is being mean, just as you said, but I can say that I am grateful he hasn’t pulled any other stunt since before the delivery.. All I can do now is raise my defenses again and block him, or ignore him.. That and him leaving soon to be deployed to the Middle East will help me greatly in maintaining no contact..

        Again, thank you so much for your kindness and I hope all is well with you.. ❤️

    7. Bekah B, your son is so lucky to have you as his mother. Look how strong you’ve been! You did all that alone. Your 106-day NC was great, and your “…” replies were perfect. You let him know his son is here. You did enough. Now focus on your little one, who needs you for everything. I understand your anguish, but don’t let him take away from this beautiful time with your new baby, which will pass so quickly. Don’t let baby feel your anxiety. Put that N out of your mind now and focus on your sweet new son. Pour your love into him and take love from him. We’re all here for You 😘💕❤️

      1. KellyD,

        Thank you so much for your kind and validating response.. ❤️ I tried my very best throughout all of that time and I do feel a sense of accomplisment, even though in the end, my ex tried to manipulate my emotions through the deployment of mind games and creation of anxiety.. You are absolutely correct in stating that I did enough and all I need to do now is put the N out of my mind and focus on my son, giving him love and receiving his love.. I have been doing just that and will continue to do so.. Nothing or nobody is worth taking away the joy of these days.. I absolutely love babies, especially when they are freshly newborn!! Lol..

    8. Dearest Bekah B,
      I wish I was there with you sweetheart….. I’d be smothering you both

      Why, you ask
      I believe …… because he just doesn’t care….and when you point it out, he’ll turn it around and blame you

      Focus totally on yourself and bubs sweetheart, otherwise, he will feel your anxiety
      Give him the best bonding you can my lovely, these are extremely precious moments
      My narc mother came in after the birth of our son ….she totally ruined it and didn’t even want to hold him
      She turned my whole joy n excitement into tears …. I wish she never came in …. I was so stressed I couldn’t even breast feed …..I have never forgotten it ……. I don’t want the same for you

      I’ve never forgiven her for that (even my step dad thought she behaved disgustingly) SHE COULDNT HAVE CARED LESS
      I reminded her of it not so long ago …. she just gave me a blank look

      Please don’t let him destroy your moment my lovely because I’ve been there ….. let him go

      Your health n welfare are paramount beautiful one
      For now … you and little “HG” (haha) matter most ….enjoy the moment

      Hugs to you both
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Exactly. She ruined your precious time and you’re still carrying that while she is hasn’t given it a thought. That’s what they do. Roll over us with no regard or afterthought.

        1. Dear KellyD,
          You’re so so right ….
          Mr Bubble’s mum n dad came in for our first born (both deceased now) and his narc dad deliberately picked a fight with me … (the mother was his doormat)
          I asked them to leave and then rang Mr Bubbles in tears
          With our third born…perfect ….because my mum n his dad weren’t in our lives then
          My mum only met our third child a few years ago
          She couldn’t care less ……never did, still doesn’t and never will
          Callous to the core
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. Bubbles,

        Awww, thank you so much for your kindness and also sharing your experience.. I believe that is so terrible your own mother would put you through that emotional turmoil shortly after giving birth.. I could not imagine going through that with someone in physical proximity to me after an event like giving birth, and I am soo sorry you had to experience that.. It sounds as if her current blank look response to your recollection of that moment in time is a very miniscule attempt at denial and the revision of history, which are very typical responses of the narcissist.. Smh..

        I have been doing a great job these past few days of enjoying the moment with my new son.. He is extremely precious and beautiful and I would not trade these first few days of his life for anything in the world.. I love him so and will continue to focus on him and my older children, only.. They are all that really matter to me and I will do my best to create a functional and enjoyable home for them so they will grow up as the best individuals they can be.. They truly don’t need the influence of a narcissist, or any other kind of toxic person in their life..

        Hugs back, Bubbles 🍾.. Again, thank you so much!

        1. Bekah
          Such happy news of your tiny boy’s safe arrival!
          Congratulations!

          I’ve ‘liked’ what everyone else has said on this thread to encourage you.

          One thought I had was to be kind to yourself with your intense feelings postpartum. Your body, heart and mind are awash with oxytocin and your Empath’s hardwiring already wants love, closeness, bonding & belonging, which serve to make the heartache and feelings of rejection/abandonment from ex-N worse.

          This would contribute to some cognitive dissonance, the “how could he?” thoughts on continuous loop in our heads, for any woman in your situation.

          Ex-N’s opinions about you are wrong & worth nothing.
          His judgement is worth nothing.
          He’s fuel-addicted, disordered, & cruel.
          Typical N.
          Meh!

          You, however…. you’re doing a great job!

          You’re surrounded by love and beauty! (Don’t look at all the laundry…)

          Prioritising your own peace and wellbeing is the best thing that you can do now for your precious children, and yourself.
          Taking it a day at a time is perfectly fine too.

          Best wishes.

        2. Dearest Bekah B,
          Hi there beautiful new mum, sounds like you and bubs are bonding beautifully
          It’s so lovely to hear from you and I’m so relieved you are thriving
          Good for you, lovely lady ….. you’ve just given birth and look how determined and strong you are …. your protective instincts have kicked in and you are a shining bright light for others
          So proud of you Bekah.. this little person is going to guide you for sure and you’re going to have an amazing journey
          Thank you for keeping in touch
          Wishing you nothing but the best
          Bubble bear hugs 🤗 n butterfly kisses 🦋precious ones
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    9. Bekah,

      I did not see your initial comment until now… Sorry.
      I see you’ve made much progress in the meanwhile.

      He’s not only a narc, he’s also a stupid one. I imagine birth is quite an occasion to gather lots of fuel, and he missed it…
      So you can add stupidity to his bunch of “wonderful” qualities. One more reason for him to not deserve being the father of your little boy.
      I know it’s hard, but looking at it this way even makes the situation a bit funny. Sad, but funny.
      You’ve won!

      In the end, you’ll have the love of you child, and your son will have yours.
      Your narc will have nothing. Stupid asshole…

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