Poll : How Were You Hoovered After ‘No Contact’?
Have you sought to impose no contact but found yourself receiving hoovers? You may have reacted to them, you may have not reacted or you may not have even realised they happened at the time. Either way, which hoovers did you experience (choose all which apply) after you sought to impose a no contact regime. As always, expand on your experiences in the comments section.
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Oh Superduperimportant Tech detail Alert
Hoovers from creepy matrinarc are not fun at all to see, phone blocker shows everytime she tried to phone.
(SMS ends up in junk folder so i have not seen one single word from her since 2015. Grace from above ffs.)
Changing phone number will not help. She will find out the new number from some family member or extended family member.
Question: Anybody here has an idea how to hide blocked calls from call log/history? I don’t want to know when she tried to call.
Question 2: Does it show on your call log when a blocked number tried to call you?
CB, It depends on your notifications settings.
Hi FYC, thanks for reading
I actually have notifications Off but the call attempts still show up on the call Log.
With my old samsung galaxy trend I could hide all signs of her calling attempts. Guess I’ll check for “Blocking Mode” function when I buy a new phone next week.
Maybe one of the sales guys can try this out for me before I buy a phone.
Are you IOS or Android and who is your service provider? The solutions differ for each combo.
I’m on Android samsung
Not sure what to buy this time though.
If Iphone or Huawei helps then I’ll choose one of those.
Can you see if you scroll your own calls log that a blocked number tried to reach you at some point/day?
Hi CB,
I use an iPhone. Android is fine too (Samsung is better than Huawei and Huawei is famous for its unethical data management). On iPhone, you can block from a call or from a contact or you can input a block. You will not see blocked calls, but they revert to voicemail and if a msg is left it will appear in the junk tab. If you block the number and remove it from your contacts, you will not see a name, just ‘blocked’ in your junk tab.
My understanding is Android now works similarly, but there are also several apps you can download to manage your call log including Reflections, which I have not tried, so I cannot recommend.
Lastly, all carriers (service providers) have plans to block spam callers and blocked numbers at the server so it never reaches your phone. You may wish to investigate which of the above works best for you.
Appreciate your detailed adviced
I tried a few of those apps, but they didn t work. Ads & rooting. Reflections was one. Shady Contacts was another. They’re supposed to keep the blocked calls history in the app and hide it from the phone’s own call history, but Samsung this version doesn t allow it and Rooting didn t work.
So nice to hear this about Huawei 😉
A guy from school who was a real first class bully and a little bit of a delinquent, seems to be one of their researchers. I see this when i google. I wouldn’t trust him with one dime.
I’ll read about their ethics problems you suggested. This doesn t mean i necessarily will diss the Huawei choice, but I’ll take your thoughts into consideration.
This was before I really understood the concept of no contact:
Malign Hoover after break-up
Always made sure to stand In line of sight at work
Re-friended me on Facebook
Sent a WhatsApp
And then dumped me again to watch me return…
A classic!
No contact means the Narc is blocked everywhere So no contact cannot be broken by text since it will be a blocked avenue. Correct?
Yes. If a text gets through, you do not have no contact.
Did you roll your eyes, HG? Lol
No, you sought an answer and asked politely. I answered it.
They changed their telephone number so the text went through. I blocked that number too.
I used to really often get a whatsapp text or regular phone text from an unknown number, and in the beginning when I assumed it was an acquaintance that wasn’t in my contacts yet and responded, it always turned out to be the Narc. I no longer respond to any text from someone who isn’t in my contacts list and that method has tailed off a lot over the years. But seriously don’t count on their number being blocked as a way to prevent all Narc texts.
It’s been 3.5 years, no Hoover’s yet, as far as I know. I also know, however, it can happen at any time, even 20 years from now. I know there is always a risk and I am always vigilant.
Logic prevails.
as far as I know I haven’t been hoovered at all during my 6 months NC. despite being in the same social sphere. He is treated as invisible in public and blocked on all platforms. no mystery phone calls etc. i have no intention of breaking NC. how ever he did come and sit 6ft away from me in a bar recently and was ignored. Not sure if this was a hoover attempt or an act of provocation in front of his new source. either way it failed and he eventually skulked away
That was a hoover, so you have been hoovered. Well done on ignoring him.
Thanks for your replies HG. I am only just finding them and reading them through. I haven’t been getting them for some reason.
Once I ACTUALLY went no contact (which took a few tries) his Hoover attempt was to unblock me from social media… from reading your work HG I assume he was living off of thought fuel for a while. Thinking I was at home a wreck , wanting to talk to him so bAdly and give him a peice of my mind, or apologize for all the terrible things I did to HIM, etc.
Must have came as quiet a shock to him I did not respond that way. As I had all the other times before. Because this time, instead of worrying about him I was studying narcissism like I had some kind of final exam worth 100 percent of my grade. And this time… I felt a great sense of relief he wasn’t talking to me.
He’s also done some malign indirect Hoover’s through colleagues and friends. Because we are still part of the same
Social circle.
The only thing I worry about now is a face to face. Not sure how I’m going to handle it when/if it happens. I also am
Just tired of waiting for other shoe to drop.
I want to just stop feeling so chained down by this and fully get on with my life.
The LMR approached in a bar which I should’ve been anyhow bc a)I’m sober b) it’s his fave bar so he was bound to drunkenly approach. He sent his narc leiutenant/IPPS to hoover me with a pity play, and he friend request after I escaped before I blocked.
The MMR stalks me a bit when I’m attempting NC. Nothing freaky . Small town so not difficult .
Approached me at work
Watched from a distance
Drive past somewhere they knew I’d be
These all apply to narcissist the second…
Narcissist the first tried every single one repeatedly until the law intervened… now has very few opportunities to do any of them… just watching from over 100m or from indoors when I’m delivering or picking up the children.
I chose the narcissist emailed me. This has been the mediator during disengagements. Hes very good with words and expressing them via email. I think the most excrutiating part is waiting for the email and that in itself is why if youre serious about it being over you block from every angle and go truely no contact for two reasons one you dont pine over whether theyll contact you bc they cant and two they have no way of contacting you or its very difficult to. I never was serious about no contact. I guess i havent hit rock bottom. If or when i do and i decide its over i would block. I cant see that happening tho.
CM
This is precisely why I ended up blocking him on FB yesterday. As usual, he exited the messenger conversation, leaving me on “seen” and I wondered for hours if he’d reply to me. An emoji, a word, anything. But no, in typical fashion he was done, moved on, rude as ever so I blocked him and ended my own waiting and wondering.
Joanne, THAT is exactly the behavior that has convinced me there is absolutely no way I can go back to being friends with my narc. Now that I know what he is, I’m totally sure he would be very sweet at first and then leave me there “seen” but not answered, or stood up, or who knows. I’m not giving him the satisfaction.
SP
When he did that to me in the past I would be so hurt/angry/frustrated/etc. It’s like a joke now when I think of it. Typical. Predictable. Eyeroll x1000. Come around with all the sweetness then ghost once it’s decided that there is a) minimal fuel b) got what he wanted anyway just by by way of me replying to him.
I know he wins and he can mark it off on his invisible narc scorecard. But now game is over.
In a way, I must confess I want to let him reach out and pretend to be friends again to ghost him first. Again. Hahahahaha!!!! But no, I will stay incognito. Incognito is a very comfortable state to be in… I am just dreading his return from the summer break, agh I wanna get the hell out of this town!
The first hoover was right after I dumped the narc. He sent me a Christmas and then a birthday present. I didn’t take it any farther.
The second hoover was about two months ago. I was going through a really hard time and was depressed (not about the ex narc) . I had a weak moment and unblocked my ex narc on FB . I was curious to see what he had been doing. I tried to block him again but FB makes you wait 48 hours to re block someone. I didn’t think anything of it, I would just wait. The next day he sent me a friend request and after some long thought I accepted . Not because I wanted him back but I felt like I needed someone to talk to and he showed up. We chatted online and of course he was being super nice. I made it clear from the start that I was not interested in a romantic relationship at this time (which is the truth ) . He said that was not a problem . This hoover went on for about two weeks. During which time I kept reminding him I was not interested in a relationship. By the end of the two weeks he started to change and was very impatient about me not wanting a relationship . He started sending me odd text messages about how he wished I would explain myself better and that he didn’t want to be on good terms. Basically he told me to F off and blocked me on FB. I haven’t heard from him since. It was dumb to accept his friend request but I was not hurt by his behavior this time. I also realized that he was still the same and hadn’t changed at all. He was still in the same place and even started to show signs of addiction . He was posting a lot about alcohol and marijuana. Which was odd because when we were together he wasn’t like that.
Dear Mr Tudor,
The weasel (mid range) chose public arenas, typifying the “coward” he truly is
I was turning onto a main road from a side street the other day and the little critter sped right past Mr Bubbles and myself
Mr Bubbles exclaimed “look at that idiot go” …. I replied ….”thats the weasel’s car ” …. he said “ahhh, that explains it, but he’s still going way too fast, I wonder if he saw us, you “might” get a Hoover for your birthday ……he said (tongue in cheek)
We both laughed 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Ps ….. Oh, Mr Tudor, you’ve done it again ! (Mr Magoo cartoon character reference, from 1960, just in case ) haha
Oh my goodness how could I forget this! I received a message from his wife, through messenger. Although I deactivated Facebook I still use msg and he’s blocked but she is not. She just wanted to say hi and hoped we were OK. I am not sure but I suspect he could be using her account, he’s done it in the past. I only said thanks you too.
SP
omg! His wife 😱 I’m sure it is HIM!
Yes because that woman has not sent me a message in her fucking life. I didn’t feel a thing, to be honest. Just thought it was weird and then I realized.
Also, he deleted a blog that we shared together… I think he wanted to irk some kind of negative fuel
I’ve been no contact with the narc ex for going on 9 years now. He was a Verbally abusive alcoholic asshole the worst alcoholic I’ve ever met in my life. Started off nice ended up a monster. He tried and failed to break my spirit. Lucky for me I am surrounded by very smart people who knew who he was immediately and were always talking in my ear against him they protected me.
He tried trying to get me to move in with him of course so he could leave me high dry and homeless like he did his ex but no way. I always kept my own place that really bothered him. I tolerated that bullshit a little over a year and then dumped him.
When I dumped him he took custody of our kitties we shared and then tried to dangle the threat of abandoning the cats over my head I ignored the threat oh guess who still has the cats yeah right, the asshole.
Three years ago he tried to Hoover with some dramatic sob story emails I told him to lose my number.
Three years later this year 2019 he reaches out with email to tell me he’s in rehab and fake apologized for “whatever behavior he may have done”. Eye roll. And told me he moved out of my city. As if I give a flying F!
I told him drop dead do not reply if you do I’m sending this conversation thread to your boss.
He’s silent now and I really believe he won’t be contacting me ever again.
It’s been nine years since I dumped that freak and I have skillfully avoided any close relationships with narcissists because I know the red flags.
I laugh when they approach. They mistakenly think I’m some naive empath. They get a reality check and move onto the next sucker.
My Hoovers: Showing up, at work, in a career you are educated & skilled for/love with passion, where you are expected to be accessible to the public, in a certain way you can’t control (geography doesn’t change this fact either/you can be found, for reasons unique to the career).
It’s a problem that’s not as easy as it seems to solve.
I read the comment about stalking being a hoover as well. I was wondering if that only counts if the victim is aware of the stalking, and if it’s in person?
There are three types of hoover outcome
1. Executed and successful – e.g. the narcissist telephones you, you answer and provide fuel.
2. Executed and failed – e.g. the narcissist telephones you, you do not answer.
3. Unexecuted – e.g. the narcissist telephones you, you have changed your number and the call does not get through. It is still a hoover but you did not know about it.
Number 3 is what all of you must achieve.
Thank you for explaining HG. I asked because a while ago I found out that my name appears in search engines, in all possible combinations, including my nickname, hometown and and the name of a site where I had a profile. It gave me the chills, as my name is quite unique. One person would have to obsessively search for someone for the name to appear (autocomplete) in results.
It feels like online stalking, but I found out by chance. I’m not sure if this is stalking, or monitoring. I guess it’s an unexecuted hoover.
You are corrected, these are unexecuted hoovers.
I just read that going no contact should be done with no preface or heads up. I recently went no contact but sent a final text in advance. Does that render going no contact ineffective?
No, what it means though is that you ran the risk of tipping the narcissist off so you would be subjected to a preventative hoover. The PH is likely to derail no contact before it starts for a variety of reasons.
Got it. I was in the ambiguous discard stage anyway. He wasn’t being his normal nice self but wasn’t being a jerk either. I find it to be the most exhausting and painful place in which to be. Apathy is the worst. Thanks for your response.
You are welcome JF.
Social media messages.
I just got a hoover on Saturday. I had him blocked everywhere, phone, all social accounts, except Facebook. This is because when I decided to go NC, he was no longer ON Facebook. He’s been known to deactivate his account from time to time, so perhaps this was one of those times because I couldn’t find searching him from my account or others’.
Anyway, I wrote a comment on our mutual friend’s post on Saturday, and lo and behold, Sunday morning I woke up to a message from him. “You’re so beautiful. I know I fucked things up, but I just needed you to know how amazing you look.” Stupidly, I wrote back “Thank you :)” and here we start all over again. We had a few back and forth exchanges, and he asked how I felt about meeting up (didn’t ask me to meet up, just my feelings on it). I evaded the question and then he goes dark. Typical.
I’m not upset or bothered and I did not block him. I know this is my ET running things now but I feel mostly indifferent. I know I have to restore “real NC.”
Joanne you are on thin ice. Get rid of your Facebook account if that’s what it takes. Or at least block him. Your ET is keeping you from doing so. As HG always says we can have it under control for a while but eventually we will be sucked back in. You haven’t been out long enough to be having conversations with him.
You intellectually understand you need to stay away from him, but emotionally you’re being drawn. I’m not judging you. Trust me… I’ve been there. It’s really tough.
The thing about any addiction is the person wanting to quit has to be sincere. If the No Contact is insincere or being used as a way to punish the narc the narc will see right through it. No contact is about healing. That’s all.
My next suggestion may seem severe to some. And of course this is only a suggestion. But… I would strongly suggest you discuss what’s going on with your husband. You haven’t gone in deep enough yet (haven’t slept with him etc) that your husband is just gonna up and leave because you’re experiencing feelings for another man. Likely In the 20 years you’ve been together your husband has been through similar feelings for other women occasionally.
Talking to your husband will
1. Be your ultimate push into a true no contact. It’s going to keep you in check.
2. Your husband is more then likely to side with you and want to beat the narc to a pulp.
3. These are your thoughts and feelings. Those should be important to your husband.
I know my methods are highly unpopular. And that most will gasp at this post. But those are my opinions only. No one has to agree with me but it gives you something to think about.
Lastly… remember you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill. Engaging with them only enables them. Do not enable someone with a disorder.
Only trying to be helpful not judgmental. I know exactly how you feel. All the best.
empath007
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I truly appreciate the thought you put into that and the fact that you recall so much of my own personal situation <3 I have him blocked on FB now and he's still blocked everywhere else. I will admit I had an initial positive response to seeing his name in my inbox, but the moment we began the back and forth, I couldn't deny what I was dealing with. It was almost as if he was sent to test my knowledge narc manipulation tactics. Gaslighting? Check! Blame shifting? Check! And so forth. It went back and forth a bit, he suggested giving it another try, I declined and he slinked off. I did wait awhile to see if he would reply once more, and he did not. I blocked him to stop myself from wondering. I feel okay 🙂
Your "coming clean" idea is one that I have given thought to at times, but I just can't do it. The damage it would do to our relationship would be close to irreparable. And this narc is just not worth it. While it would certainly *force* NC, completely and forever, I just can't risk the impact it will have on my marriage 🙁
HG will probably say this is ET talking, but I feel pretty strong now. There have been setbacks, but there was not an ounce of temptation to take him up on his offer now that I am firm in my knowledge. I know I'm not out of the woods, and I know the thoughts will plague me. I do feel like I'm moving along, slowly but surely.
I sincerely appreciate you, empath007! Not only your support of me but your thoughtful comments all around the blog. You are the farthest from judgmental! <3
Hi Joanne 🙂 the ability to remember details is the empath in me lol.
I’m glad you feel ok after the experince and that you blocked him. Good for you that’s great.
Obviously you know the dynamic of your marriage inside out so If you feel the best choice is not to discuss it… then it’s not. But people highly underestimate the bond their marriage creates, and it does make me feel sad (in a way) that you and other married women on the blog feel like they can’t discuss such an important thing with their life partners. Life partners who have likely had similar experiences to one degree or another themselves. But I am an odd person, which is why I know my advice is not the typical advice that is given.
If you find yourself slipping back into the narcs grip… think about talking to your husband about another man coming on to you. You may be pleasantly surprised by the results. And it may even deepen your connection.
All the best joannne! I enjoy all your comments as well 🙂 and I can relate to so much of what you go through!
empath007
I am a “rememberer” too, so I always appreciate someone who has the ability and interest in doing the same 🙂 <3
Joanne, dislike. You were doing so well! Damn Facebook…
SP
I know 😒 But I feel ok. I will be honest and say my heart skipped when I saw his name in my inbox but the conversation was almost like reading a narcsite article. I see through ALL of it now. I know what every word really means. Granted I wouldn’t be able to keep the communications going because if he persisted, eventually my ET would really take over and allow the blinders to go back on. But he must conserve his energies for better fuel pumps so he didn’t work very hard. The conversation was benign and it’s closed and he’s blocked for sure now. I feel okay 🤗
Ugh. I don’t know how I would react if that happened to me. I would ignore and block I want to assume but you never know… now that I think about it, I would copy and paste his ridiculous flattery here in the blog so that we can dissect his words and analyze it, a good case study!
I’m proud of you friend. It feels so good to be able to see through their manipulations now and you stayed in your power and recognized your limits with your emotional thinking. It’s such good practice because when there is one narc there are will usually be more.
And I bet it felt good to see him grovel a bit. Keep it up!
Thank you TH!
I did get a feeling of satisfaction when he said he f’ed up. It wasn’t quite groveling but it’s the closest I’ll get to him admitting that he was in the wrong. And the closest I’ll get to anything resembling closure!
My exN is blocked on phone and social media and emails go to spam. Have been NC 11 months. In that time I have received email B’day and Xmas wishes as well as a marketing offer, and 3 weeks ago (after 6 months of silence) another email requesting info from me. I have ignored all of them. Also got a proxy hoover txt from anmutaul friend – also ignored. What next I wonder.
I have a question: it seems so far the highest voted answer is the narc texted me. How does the narc text you after NC? I divided my answer B/ANC because he tried to hoover me differently in each case but I wonder how you can get a text if you block the person. Mine would need to hire a hacker to get through my technology!
The narcissist should not be able to text the victim when no contact is put in place. It shows that people think they are applying no contact when they are not doing so. That is why I put ‘no contact’ not no contact, in the title of the poll.
Hahaha “no contact,” right…
I think I know the answer to his question but thought I would ask for clarification.
So if a narc breaks no contact and hoovers, then that’s a form of manipulation/sense of entitlement/lack of boundaries but if an empath breaks no contact then that is solely because of emotional thinking? The narcissist has no real emotion attached when applying a hoover? There’s no way they could genuinely be missing you?
I know this is Narc 101 stuff, I’m regressing aren’t I? 🤓
Twisted heart, your last sentence was really cute. You’re not regressive, every now and then we all should review info. I think I would go with the idea that only Empaths establish or break NC, narcs don’t use NC. They use silent treatments and they are done just to manipulate your reaction and get fuel not for emotional reasons.
Oh right Fuel. Duh!
So narcs don’t block? Unless it was to create thought fuel.
Oh yes they block! And unblock! And block again… but that’s not NC.
Yeah, my answer actually was about the time before I went NC for real. Back then, no contact,to me, meant just deleting his phone number. Now there is no way a message can get through.
Well it took me a while, I blocked his number but every now and then I unblocked to see what happened, like a Russian roulette, it was risky and I liked it haha. Now I would never do that.
I totally understand the curiosity. Not healthy, risky, but it would be interesting to see what’s happening behind that “NC-wall”.
I did this twice, for three or four seconds each time. Nothing came through. I don’t have any special folder to read any email, I have his contact name sent directly to spam which I empty every now and then without paying much attention. If I wanted to see what he’s doing I would take a look at my husband’s Facebook, but I don’t. If only getting rid of his presence were as easy as clicking the “empty folder” button…
Well, now you know how texts get through. Emails get through because we go to that special folder we make for them and we read them instead of deleting and emptying spam/ narc folders.
Correct.
There are phones that actually exist that make it impossible to completely block the person out. For instance, my husband’s phone only offers one way to supposedly “block” someone. The only thing you can do is make it to where the phone no longer rings when they call, and their calls are sent directly to voice mail. Is that rediculous or what? So you still have to listen to their stupid messages. It has been 4 years since my husband left his narc ex and she STILL will Hoover him from time to time even though he has NEVER responded to a SINGLE SOLITARY thing she has done since the break up. It blows our minds that she STILL will not let it go after all this time and move on. He was her primary source and she has burned so many bridges with her on family. Her own daughter and grand daughter have nothing to do with her. The grand daughter invited us to her wedding and didn’t even allow my husband’s ex narc come to any of her wedding showers. This came as quite a shock to my husband bc the last few years they were together his narc went around telling everybody that her daughter and grand daughter had nothing to do with her bc of him. I kept telling him I thought that was total BS, and that the reason they had nothing to do with her was bc of her and not him. But he never really deep down inside believed me until he bumped into them one day and the grand daughter came running and jumped into his arms. I told him, “See, I told you she was just lying about that trying to make you the bad guy.” It is amazing the things they can get their victims to feel responsible for, feel guilty of, and just down right tear what self esteem a person has into absolute shreds. Its been a long and difficult journey for my husband but I can’t tell you how happy it has made me feel watching thru time as his memory has slowly but surely improved over time, his self esteem is back. He gets to engage in his passions again like pool, and golf, things she had made him quit. He has come off of blood pressure and other medications and was being hospitalized before the break up for different things but hasn’t had to darken the doors to the ER since he escaped her. Matter of fact it had gotten so serious that I doubt whether he would even be with us today if he hadn’t left. For the ones that do, hold your heads up high, fight and HEAL!❤
Change your number
Blocks expire after so long with Verizon I thing anyway..
It’s a good thing I don’t use that carrier…
I have a tutti frutti, but I divide them into BNC (before going NC) and ANC. So after I decided to send him to hell but didn’t block him yet: sexual innuendos that only I could understand on social media, shows off on social media directed to me, pictures of himself doing things I love/going to my favorite restaurant with IPPS/ showing things from my country that he claims he loves now/ attempts of triangulation with other women on social media. ANC: weird anonymous calls, calls from strange numbers, emails from third-party people to cause ever-presence. After none of this caused any reaction: walking by my workplace expecting to run into me (fail, I saw him first and ran away), smear campaign. I have stopped getting anything now. The last thing I got was a link to a music track from a common list that we belong to, but I have marked it as spam already. A month ago I met with a common friend to have a drink and she mentioned his name, I simply redirected the conversation.
SP
Like a boss! Well done, girl!
Thank you, Joanne. He can always find where I work, we both have public profiles and it doesn’t depend on us but on our jobs. But my indifference to his attempts will not change.
Well after 2.5 yrs no contact and having moved out of state I just couldn’t resist a golden period which had descended from a circling narc I knew was coming. As always, HG was right.. this was no Greater. Looks, intelligence and wealth do not a Greater make. He was so blatant it was laughable. And I was so smug with all of my gained knowledge I thought I could handle this just fine. Ahh.. so fun to bask in his attentions and of course the sex. But as you might guess, within a couple weeks I was back peddling in a panic. He’s a fucking monster even in a golden period. And I was getting attached in small ways. It was then that I had a splendidly stupid idea. Who better to distract me from a 50 yr old monster than the Devil himself… my 24 yr old somatic ex?!! So I accepted a fake fb friend request from “one of his friends” and sent a msg. Within 48 hours I had a Snapchat friend request from my ex who had created a whole new snap acct to get thru, with his real name and all and I accepted. Now I find myself on a 6 week road trip with him across the US. It’s been 30% fun, 30% eye rolling and cringing and 40% complete shit show!! And who did I call when I found myself crying on the side of the freeway? The Monster. Oh.. he loved that make no mistake. So.. what have I learned?? Ask me in 4 weeks. That is, if I make it home alive. 🙄😵😏
I hope all goes well as can be expected.
Your story reminds me of a story ( joke) from. A pastor. ” A young lady was walking along a cold dark road. It was extremely cold, she came across a serpent he said “pick me up it cold” young lady said no ” serpent come on pick me up its freezing”. The young lady picked him up and stuck him in her coat continued her journey; then she said ouch you bit me. Serpent ” you knew what I was when you picked me up.”
Be safe..
Back then, I didn’t know that the hoovers were hoovers. It was always a text, and not even something special and thoughtful, but always something like: “How’re you? Xx” or “I’ve been thinking of you, you good? Xx”. Accompanied with a song with lyrics that seemed to be written for us.
My heart would always skip a beat, and I would answer directly, because to me, those few words meant the world. It was the prove that he was having a hard time without me, and he was stuggling to find the right words to tell me.
Seeing the vote results made me smile. I guess that means I’ve made a lot of progress, because it would’ve made me feel embarrassed and stupid a year ago.
The era of the text messages…Paradise for the narcissist.
How about ‘stalked’ – like, as most recently as this morning…
I checked off ‘drive by’….but this is just sitting, in a vehicle – nearby where I’m transitioning from – observing.
Stalking is hoovering.
Stalking is disturbing. He only has that or through the legal process, I guess. He has never gone further than sitting and observing – but it is disturbing and I hate it.
An interesting poll. HG can you give some further insight please. Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought smear campaigns were to garner sympathy for the narc and hammer your reputation and further isolate you from support. Do you consider all smear campaigns are hoover attempt in no contact situations of 5 to 35 years or so?
It is a form of indirect hoovering as it has the potential to provoke the victim into some form of response and therefore
1. Fuel may be provided;
2. The victim’s response supports the smear “See what I told you, she is a psycho, she won’t leave me alone.’
Hi HG,
2. Have been said about me so many times.
I am hoovering you today. I was triggered by the who am I to you comment today .🚷
Hello Yolo, you’re not a narcissist so you cannot hoover me.
Awe. I felt that from the bottom of your ♥️
Thanks HG.
Just when I think l have figured out the ways of a narc thanks to your help, I learn there is more. I just read your article ‘6 Specialty Hoovers ( and how to unplug them). The prove yourself and reverse hoover explains it all so very clearly.
I know of a case where a female narc’s son has now been no contact for 35 years. His steely resolve for no contact is exceptional. He also went no contact with all his other siblings, relatives and friends from the family. In effect he is oblivious to the smears and even if he was aware he wouldn’t respond. So HG can you please explain, surely after 35 years of no contact with her son wouldn’t the narc realise that her smear campaign is not provoking any interaction so give up?
I find it extraordinary and unfathomable that a narc persistently dreams up such toxic and crazy smears because of a desperate need to get fuel and the chance to interact.
No, here is why.
1. The narcissist mother will doubtless have pictures of her son. There will be his birthday, her birthday, perhaps the birthdays of grandchildren, his wedding anniversary and so forth. All of these will be hoover triggers.
2. The hover trigger reminds the mother that her son has not been in contact. She feels a lack of control. Her narcissism must exert control and thus if the HEC are met, a hoover will follow as part of this need to assert control. If the HEC are not met, no hoover. If it is has been several weeks since she last tried to hoover ( and I do not know the extent of his no contact regime) and that last hoover (assumed) failed, then the impact of its failure fades owing to the effluxion of time. This then means the HEC are more likely to be met, thus a hoover attempt occurs which may well be the continuance of a smear campaign.
This is why I repeatedly explain that there is ALWAYS a risk of a hoover.
You are so smart HG, it makes me envious!
Narcx emailed me and returned property, but these were malign hoovers, or possibly meant to test my reaction? In either case, I have been total grey rock.
He cannot text or telephone because I have blocked him. I think he has attempted to text because some of his emails come in text format, as opposed to being written as a letter. He does write differently when he sends a “real” email.
Dearest HG: He texted me, twice, or thrice. I can’t quite recall, but definitely twice. I do not know if he also influenced his lieutenants or my best friend that he has ensnared to contact me, but I am suspicious that it is the case that he may have `wondered` how I was doing, aloud, in their presence, and thus incentivised them to text me, as they have done. Because the texts were all stilted sounding. Entering their spheres of influence is largely unavoidable under the various circumstances, unfortunately, and not good for me. And, can develop into a group-think preventative smear campaign, for facade management purposes to cover up the question from others and even from themselves: Why has she really disappeared or removed herself like this from us?
Maybe I should have skipped answering this? Full No Contact was not available as he and his lieutenants are workplace scenario. Blocking them all was not an option. But, I still unfollowed them all on Facebook. I was called out a few times, about not knowing about an event or something, but I just said I had problems with my facebook page. I do not think I was believed, but I was not challenged vocally. I just stopped contacting them for anything. I am sure I have messages over on facebook, but I refuse to check. And I slowly moved myself away from all proximity to them by changing my scheduling and locations, etc. It was how I disengaged without immediately alarming them or causing any unnecessary Fury over my subtle and discreet departure from them all.
I always get the same txt message
Zoe I want/need to talk to you!
One day I’m going to reply and say about what?! I do not believe he actually as anything lined up to say 😂
Why is he able to text message you?
Exactly what you said HG. I was surprised to see that hoover by text was the top choice. Just block’em already!
Did not surprise me, people believe they impose no contact and do nothing close to it.
HG. you can be proud of your humble empath. He is blocked EVERYWHERE
Sounds promising, tell me what you understand by ‘everywhere’.
HG.. He is blocked on FB, Instagram, text,hangouts, whatsapp messenger. Did I miss something?
Have you changed your telephone number?
HG.. I have not changed my phone number. Hoping that I will not have to. But if the weird shit starts happening, I will
You ought to change your telephone number, that is a gap in your no contact.
Kim e,
I had weird shit happen (with my old number) when I was in ‘no contact:’ random butt calls, voicemail messages with silence – and at one point – a voicemail message that was an unknown woman’s voice in an one-sided conversation (as if she were on another phone call and someone was letting my voicemail record part of the convo).
I just ignored all of it as nonsense.
HG,
Is that type of nonsense also typical of hoovering behaviours?
Those are hoovers.
Thank-you.
People leave themselves an out for receiving a hoover by determining that no contact means that they do not contact the narcissist first. No contact is pretty clear. If the police or your lawyer tell you no contact with someone or you will go to jail, all of the sudden it’s crystal clear.
Yes, I just asked the same thing, WhoCares.
Please note that my no contact was not true no contact (i.e. blocking numbers, shutting down social media, etc.).
SMMRN-Text message. Due to my ET I responded, but the SMMRN was only checking in and disappeared after 2 responses.
SLMRN-Received a message on Instagram from an unknown user that simply said, “Yo.” I did not respond, however, a few hours later the SLMRN started following me on Instagram (I did not have the privacy setting that requires users to request permission to follow me). Since she’s married, this was a passive hoover to provoke me to reach out. I did not message/re-follow her, but due to my ET, I did not block her from following me.
I dealt with two – first a lesser, then a greater. I cut them off because I didn’t like their behaviour/their intentions. Ironically both wanted to be ‘friends with benefits ‘ but wouldn’t leave me alone – I was an intended IPSS. I encountered the greater 3 years after dealing with the lesser and although the greater displayed far more confidence and obvious traits, the hoovering attitude was similar in both. The pattern went like this with the lesser: I’d ask him to leave me alone as we had different intentions. He’d say he understood, then a few weeks later I’d get a message with a link to something to ‘check out’. Eventually it was ‘I’ve broken my arm and I’m signed off work for 6 weeks and I’m stuck at home”. The lesser was miserable.
The greater would do things that I found offensive, such as messaging my female friends. We had a game going for a while. I’d tell him he was dead inside (this is before I knew what narcissism even was) and that I didn’t want to deal with him any more. He’d leave it a few weeks then say “hey, how are you? I kinda miss your company”. Never “I miss you”. He missed the fuel. I played the game because I was fascinated by the behaviour and I knew..I knew there was something that I hadn’t figured out about it yet. I had to understand it. Then, I found HG and it all made perfect sense. I didn’t need to play the game any longer. Cutting these people off was easy – the greater found a way to contact me a few weeks ago (after a year of nc) but was swiftly blocked.
It was my bday – I was vulnerable because I was happy and felt powerful and felt like I made it and that I no longer needed him.
24 hours hours after his first text ( there was a few that day) – I had kicked out my new boyfriend ( whom I think was a narc too) and I was craving him desperately.
He had texted me before – but I always managed to ignore it but that day – I was on top of the world and so vulnerable in my supposedly strength.
I regret I did not follow the straight protocols – I was blocking and unblocking when there was events ( valentines etc) to see if he would write to me.
This was to give me a false sense of satisfaction – that eventually triggers the latent craving.
But yes – I wanted him to Hoover – because I wanted to reject him. But that is a dangerous game. If I ever go NC again – I will be prepared and will disappear.
Omj
Thank you for your honesty.
You’ve demonstrated a perfectly natural human response under the circumstances.
We are hardwired to want to chase someone that we’re attached to, who gives us pleasure/rewards, and then who suddenly withdraws the rewards/himself from us.
Especially when done in a cruel manner, and without a justifiable explanation. (I’m using the experience of a straight woman as an example, but it is a universal hardwiring).
We crave.
We obsess.
Oxytocin withdrawal is a bitch.
That would cause any red blooded woman to become unhinged and commit ‘un crime d’amour’.
We crave what we recognise as love and belonging.
It’s a basic, deeply felt need, and the chasing is a subconscious reaction.
A deep human hardwiring, like a survival instinct.
Rhonda Freeman discussed this neuroscientific/neurobiological phenomenon during the last WNAAD Survivors’ Empowerment Telesummit.
It serves us all well to know that under given circumstances, this is how we WILL respond, and even will react, and so plan protect ourselves from pain and harm.
This underpins HG’s “when you know, you go”.
With him – no real silent treatment so far in 3 years- he pushes me out of the nest and shelf and unshelved. He still talks to me or write to me everyday for those past 3 years except when I went on fake NC. He stops after 2-3 days I don’t answer wait 2 weeks and comes back.
On top of his narcissism I believe he has other disorders.
I read a lot of Rhonda’s because I like to understand the biology – paired with HG’s work I find you get the whole logic – scientific and experimental.
Despite all this – I am still in relationship with this Narc – I have grown a lot and I am not the same as last year or the years before.
I love my shelving now – I find respite and I did all I want to do – travel – take some lovers and reflect .
I had his number blocked on my phone so I assume he had texted and received no reply. He sent an email message to my work address and I didn’t reply and blocked. Then he called my work. I saw the caller ID and told a male coworker that it was a sales person that had been calling me and to tell him that I no longer worked there. The only other hoover I’m aware of is really lame. He looked at the profile of my best friend on LinkedIn. He obviously knew she could tell he had done so. No message asking about me. Just looked. (Such an MMR!)
I deleted my LinkedIn a couple of years ago. I deleted my FB account too. To get to me, he’d have to physically come and see me. I’m 99% sure that will not happen. If it does though, I’m done for! As hard as it was to block and then ignore when he reached out, no way could I do it in person.
Yes you can! You turn around and run the opposite way!!! After doing that, I then drove passed by him on the road and I swear it took every ounce of my soul to fight the ET impulse to stop the car, roll down the window and say: hi! But I didn’t. MB, after reading your comment I forgot that I kept receiving notifications from LinkedIn saying someone in private mode had been watching my profile. What does he expect to find there, my secret professional career, like I am suddenly a secret agent from the FBI and I hid it from him? And the picture in my profile is not even conducive to masturbation so I don’t understand. How idiotic.
SP, if I see him face to face. I will interact. I honestly won’t be able to help myself. I did see somebody I thought was him across the gym a couple of months ago and I got nervous. The man stayed in my line of sight but never approached me and I kept my head down in my phone and focused on my elliptical. I could tell it wasn’t him fairly quickly but it startled me. Probably another narc.
As for trolling your LinkedIn, he was only trying to get you to contact him.
Quoting our master: “Good luck with that.” I don’t even know why I have LinkedIn, never found anything more useless really…
It is useless.
Good to know HG approves of my lack of LinkedIn account. I don’t feel as bad about giving it up now.
SP, it helped me keep in touch with professional contacts. It gave me leads on jobs too. It’s not very useful unless you are looking. But it was nice for keeping my eyes peeled. I had worked on my for years and had lots of contacts. It’s not like FB though, once you take it down, it’s gone! I’m not starting all over either. One more thing I have to thank him for.
No way could I resist an in person hoover. Good thing I’m more likely to be struck by lightning!
Jobs in my field are not posted through LinkedIn, so it’s not of much use to me, and most people trying to add me as a contact are dudes who are not remotely related to my job haha.
I hear you MB! I’m all tough behind my keyboard with all my blocking… but A face to face and I’m fucked. I am not versed in the art of ignoring. I suck at it. Further more I still have too many feelings wrapped up in it.
Empath007, same…it hurt me to ignore the hoovers, but I knew I had to. If I ever see him and smell him, the mixture will be activated and I’ll melt into a puddle of goo.
No Tudorites are allowed to melt into goo.
Haha! Yes master 🙏🏻
Ha ha HG, a deprived woman can only take so much!
Are you sure? I’m not exactly a Tudorite…so even me? I can’t change from a block a cheddar cheese to Cheese Whiz? (Or is that Cheez Wiz?… Oh, who cares, seriously).
You’re here aren’t you? You’re s Tudorite.
What?
That’s not how it works… that’s not how any of this works… Sir.
If I enter a zoo, it doesn’t make me an animal, nor a zookeeper.
(I know, I know…I’m not your favorite — I’m totally fine that)
I come and go as I please. Total freedom, no labels.
What is the masculine for Tudorite? Have I missed that?
The same. You might say Tudorite (m) Tudorette (f) but we will comply with the HGTU Inclusivity Polixy and go with Tudorite.
HG, you got me at “Inclusivity.” And, if you tell me you also recycle, my life is complete (for today).
Of course I recycle – it’s called hoovering.
Not THAT recycle! Hahaha!
Wooed, Chewed, and Recycled would make an excellent and informative show. Narrated by HG and exposing those urban terms such as ghosting, breadcrumbing, stashing, etc for what they really are and with dating examples. A counter balance to the teeth rotting and damaging Bachelor and Bachelorette nonsense that keeps people hooked on romantic fairy tales.
HG please pitch this (or some form of it) to a network and make it happen. It’s needed and long overdue, and you don’t have to expose your identity.
Ha ha very good, NA. I will kick my agent and get her on it.
It seems to me all of these “new” dating forms are actually not new at all, they have just been re-named. Who hasn’t been a victim of ghosting in the past or done it on someone? Who had not experienced liking someone who just shows you enough to keep you interested but doesn’t fully commit (and vice versa)? I don’t think the dating landscape is getting any harder, it’s just re-branding. Talk about recycle!
Yes. One should focus on describing the behaviour rather than giving it a label. People sometimes consult with me and say I was gaslighted and I explain that they may well have done, but I am the judge of that and they need to give me the evidence not the label.
Failing to respond to someone’s message within a reasonable time and without reasonable excuse is the behaviour. A silent treatment is the label. Ghosting is another label. The problem with many of the labels they dilute, confuse and euphemise what is actually happening.
Thank you, HG! I totally forgot about this comment, sometimes I feel like I’m planting comments, spreading the seeds around and forgetting until they sprout.
Has you had the unfortunate experience of seeing ‘Paradise Hotel’?
MB
No. I googled it and hate it already. I don’t understand the draw of these types of shows. It looks like there’s cuddling. Is there cuddling?
** runs screaming from the room **
NA, I’ve only seen it passively. My husband has it on sometimes. The idea is to couple up and whoever is not coupled has to leave. It’s like musical chairs. Yes, lots of cuddling and making out and cat fights. Hot girls and hot guys and sex to boost ratings. It’s pure “rubbish” as the British say.
Stashing? Need to look that one up…
I just googled stashing. Done that. Guilty …
Gooey Caroline, you crack me up! I’m pretty sure cheez whiz is not meant for human consumption though! 🤢
MB,
Lol — Agree, “cheese” from an aerosol-like can really is not meant for human (or animal!) consumption…I don’t think it’s being produced anymore, is it? (I think I’ll skip breakfast now/I really should have used caramel as an example). 🙂
Caroline Is Fine
Cheese Wiz is a PERFECT example as it is FAKE cheese pretending to be real. And alas…they are still manufacturing the crap….I mean goo!!!!!
H.G. you have confirmed one of the suspicions in the rumor mill on YouTube. You are a cult leader. Hehehe.. no happy face emojis today..Becuz I am unhappy.
Evidence?
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
What are your praying for?
Oh, too funny~HG’s reaction to 48 clasped, praying hands — I really did laugh out loud.
She’s probably praying that all the narcissists stay away. Being that my fake Prince Charming has turned into the devil’s spawn (Who didn’t see that coming?), I rather appreciate the prayers. Please light a candle or two while you’re at it… thank you!
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Alexis2016
Did you get permission to use the narc emoji?
🙏💋
NA, Haha, Such a show would put “reality” back into ‘reality’ TV.
My response to cult comment.
Evidence:
I have witnessed misplaced and obsessive admiration towards H.G. ” a cult of personalities surrounding you.
I said it in tongue in cheek. I am a follower and your number one recruiter. 😍I find extreme value in your work and support your endeavors.
Empath007, sometimes I fantasize that he and his wife invite me to one of their parties like in the old times before our affair. And then, without RSVP, I show up against all odds, resurfacing above the flying monkeys to whom he smeared me, shamelessly dressed in red like Scarlett O’Hara, full of dignity and indifference to him.
Great fantasy!!! I have one that’s similar except I’m a vision in a black gown 😂
It’s gonna happen SP… just give us some time 🙏🏻
Haha if he invited me, that party would end like a finale of Game of Thrones.