20 Cries of the Victim

20 CRIES OF.jpg

We do not think of ourselves as victims, to do so would be weak and we are not weak. You are. We are better than you. We do however feel put upon, hard done by and persecuted and it is you that does these things in order to victimise us. Evidencing our legendary double standards, we do not consider ourselves as victims as this does not accord with our sense of superiority, but we like to portray a victim mentality because doing so serves our purposes. There are many things that we say which evidence this mentality and when you hear them you should know that we are looking for you to respond. We want reassurance, praise, an admission of fault from you, confirmation that we are brilliant, an apology and for you to do what we want you to do. Playing the victim card allows us to gain fuel from sympathy and compassion, assistance when we do not want to do something, absolution from responsibility and preventing you from doing something we do not want you to do. Here are twenty cries of apparent victimhood.
You make my life so difficult.
Why are you treating me like this?
You never try to understand me,
What about me?
What am I going to do now?
How’s that supposed to make me feel?
You are meant to look after me.
It’s not my fault.
I can’t help the way I am.
Why must you be so difficult with me over this?
You never listen to me.
You always make it about you, never about me.
You never do what I want.
You don’t love me like you should.
You never do what I want.
You never let me speak.
You always treat me like a fool.
You are the reason for all of my problems.
You are trying to ruin my life.
Why do you do this to me?
Watch out for these comments from our kind because they are the foreshadowing of further manipulation of you.

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42 Comments

  1. The Lesser and Mid-ranger Somatic N:

    “Let me speak!”
    ….the N yells over what I was calmly saying, shutting me down.
    I’d only just managed to get a word in edgewise.

    “There are two sides to every story!”
    …. said by the N while I’m still speaking.
    I’m effectively trampled on.
    The N goes off on a rant.
    Some of it bears a similarity to logic.
    Some of it’s relevant to the topic at hand.

    I listen respectfully and patiently.
    I stand silently looking.
    Or I stand silently with my phone up to my ear.
    The familiar tightness in my stomach.

    The ‘conversation’ has become a mess of spaghetti and unfollowable threads.
    What was I going to say again?
    There seems little point now.
    The N isn’t listening to me.

    “That’s all very well, for the sake of the argument, but …(goes off on massive tangent)”, yells the N-grandfather, riding roughshod over everyone.

    “I can’t deal with this now!”, the N yells me.

    Or:
    “Argh!”, screeches the N, teeth bared, back arched, clawed hands raised to the drama gods.

    Or:
    “I’m going to bed”, says the N in a suddenly grumpy voice.
    Phone call ended.
    No plans for me to have my say.

    Or:
    “You’re overreacting. You’re too sensitive! Let’s discuss this later when you’ve come to your senses”.

    Or:
    “I can’t talk about it with you because you’ll flip out”

    Or:
    “I don’t remember…”

    The Victim-N:
    In another scenario, the victim-N mid-ranger will clam up at the first sign of me wanting to discuss anything, or resolve anything.
    The N stands there with tense fake-nice expression, motionless, shoulders down in a “don’t attack me” stance, knees slightly bent.
    It’s all part of the act.
    Just like the professional beggars you see in the city, they can turn it on and off in a second.
    They are dressed in bland, slightly shabby attire, also part of the act.

    The N stands, hands clenched, scratching the side of her thumbnail.
    It’s her ‘tell’, that she’s scheming and planning the next manipulation.
    Her other ‘tell’ is that she will scratch her bottom lip while looking through the fixed expression of the victim-N mask she wears.
    I finish my diplomatically touched-on matter needing discussion, that starts with “I value our relationship, I love you, and don’t want there to be anything between us, so I’d like us to talk about (subject X) because it’s making me feel uncomfortable”.
    N reply?
    Nothing.
    Stands there smugly, says nothing.
    Just looks at me triumphantly.

    After some minutes, I give up.

    In days to come I hear about the rewriting of that incident, where I attacked her, and she’s been crying all day, and how could I treat her that way?…. blah blah blah…
    The codependant husband is set on me like a bulldog, sends me spiteful text messages.
    I’m smeared to other family members.
    I’m triangulated with N-Mother and dad, subsequently.

    Complete BS!

    (This was all in the time before No Contact)

    HG, is it possible for us to have access again to the discussion that you had with Bree Bonchay and Anita Moberg at the WNAAD Survivors’ Empowerment Telesummit a couple of years ago? It was on the topic of the victim-N (aka Covert Narcissist). It was the best analysis of the type I’ve heard to date, and I remember that the comment was made that the victim-N is the one most likely to drive their Empath victim to suicide.

        1. Thank you. Why not e-mail Bree Bonchay and ask her if she could provide it. let me know how you get on.

  2. “I have hurt my back because a car ran into me!” Thus, for many years I took care of him, as a nurse would, bathing, feeding, range of motion exercises, all ADL’s, massages after bath time, only to “accidentally discover” that “when no one was around” he was up out of his wheelchair, walking around, playing football, going fishing, ETC… But, would go right back into the wheelchair, again, when it was bath time, or he wanted to stay upstairs for days on end, and play Video Games, while I serviced to his every need. He even had a bedside bell. When he got tired of that phase, he was “miraculously healed” one day because of his “saintliness”.

  3. (Deceased) Narcissistic Husband: “This is god talking through his servant. I want you to obey your husband in everything he tells you to do, and take care of him. This is the most important command I give to you.”

    (Husband would act like he was having an episode of some kind whenever he claimed God was talking to me “through him”. It took me a long time to finally realize God was not using him as a vessel to speak through when one day, Narcissistic husband claimed “while god was supposedly talking thru him” that god wanted me to kill myself).

  4. He wakes up in the middle of the night, punching the bed (only centimeters away from where I am sleeping), as hard as he can with his mountainous fist, then picks me up, and tosses me out the back door, into the freezing night air, with only a pair of socks on, and he locks the door behind him.

    I frantically call to him, careful that no neighbors spot me since I am unclothed, begging for him to let me back inside, hopping back and forth, from foot to foot, due to sharp sting of the snow below me.

    When he finally lets me back in, he complains sorrowfully, how he had “such a terrible nightmare that must have made (him) do all of these things!” It was up to me to soothe him because he had such a terrible night due to his “nightmare”.

  5. Deceased Narcissist Husband: “You’re having bad thoughts, again; I can tell! Time to punish you. Is it gonna hurt? Yeah, it sure is gonna hurt… reeeeally bad; but you’ll thank me, later, when you never have those bad thoughts, again. You can trust your “Daddy-O””

    (Apparently, he claimed, I was injuring him with my “bad thoughts”).

  6. Hi HG quick question please. When things got really bad and I started to tell the natc he was using me stringing me along ect. He blocked me which in all the time I knew him he had never done that.There was no Ipps I was ipss .i think heading towards ipps. I always wondered was it control.punishment or just he was angry .or all three. Never heard from him since. Many thanks

    1. Corrective Devaluation and if it remained in place it was Disengagement Devaluation and then disengagement. It was done to assert control and punish.

  7. What should we respond when your kind insults us ? Other than staying silent. What would be the appropriate thing… “ok, thanks for letting me know how you feel” or OK or ?

    1. Ignore, walk away, do not respond. However you need to ask yourself ‘how was the narcissist able to deliver the insult to me in the first place.’ If you have an effective no contact regime, the insult would never reach you.

          1. I get punished for wounding though.. So, I am perplexed if I take the punishment up front by staying in my seat or moving and getting it later?? See??

          2. You cannot be punished later if the narcissist is unable to ‘reach’ you. That is why no contact is so important. It is YOUR responsibility.

            How can the narcissist punch you if you are not anywhere near the narcissist?
            How can the narcissist send you a horrible text message if he does not have your number?
            How can the narcissist damage your car if he does not know which is your car or if he does, where to find it?
            How can the narcissist send a friend to berate on her behalf if you stay away from said friend or that friend cannot find you either?

          3. School events HG. He sits near me on purpose. You know this is unavoidable for the big events. I can’t be 100% no contact ever in physical proximity. Doctors appt I mentioned last week.. He is entitled to show up and chose to do so with an academy award winning degree of charm. Sure, we can rotate events but who misses graduations/weddings.. I also can’t miss doctors appt’s. I can say if you want to go you have to take them and be the solo parent, yes.. I can mitigate some but not ever all of it.

          4. 1. Do not attend the school event. It’s an option, maybe not an attractive one, but it is an option;
            2. Move when he sits near you;
            3. Remain but do not look at him, speak to him.

          5. Oh and the punishment would manifest (instinctively) as being rigid on an arrangement etc.. Or

          6. Hm…the narc passes you in a hallway and smiles at you. You don’t smile back, but pull out your phone and look at it as you walk past them. Challenge fuel or wounding?

      1. If it’s a wound or challenge am I better off not changing seats and suffering a little to avoid punishment later from a wound or challenge?

      1. I should have done this, Caroline, or at least walked away! But then again, despite everything, his seed carried beautiful, kind, and compassionate offspring. (But, I definitely get your point..lol). Ha haha.

        1. Some days I have a black sense of humour.
          I feel very much for you. Some of my Ns have said they were Christians, but behavioural evidence showed that that was highly unlikely.
          It adds a whole new level of pain to the abuse.

          1. Caroline,

            Yes, the spiritual abuse took on many different levels. He even had a podium set up in the middle of our family room, where I was MADE to sit and listen to him preach.

            Then, when “church” was over, I’d get my punishments for thinking bad thoughts. He would leave welts all over my bottom from where he bent me over, and heaved his hand across my rear-end, over and over, again.

            The strikes were fierce, brutal, and painful, like bright, white lightening streaks striking the sky. But, it was not enough, he kept them coming.

            Sick, sadistic Narcissist … there was a lot of different types of abuse for many, various reasons.

            But, his dark nature had no bearing on my love for God and Jesus Christ, nor will it ever.

            If I do not take medication at night, I will have night terrors all night long as I dream vividly of him.

          2. Caroline,

            Have you also experienced where the Narcissists take certain scriptures out of the Bible, and use it out of context, for their own purposes? This seems to be a common tactic.

          3. Believer
            I’m so sorry that you had that inflicted on you.
            I scarcely have words to describe it, it’s so twisted, and has zero resemblance to what marriage should be!
            You didn’t deserve any of it!

            It isn’t love!

            You were there to be treated with respect and love, to be protected, listened to, valued, and made to feel safe, and understood.

            Ns will use any sort of twisted scriptural coercion to manipulate you and to “prove” a point, i.e. to control you.
            Satan tried it out on Jesus.

            Jesus is the Master of the fuel-free response to Ns.
            I love it!

            They will triangulate you with even God Himself, to keep you controlled and disempowered. That even happened in the Garden of Eden.

            HG has an article about ‘holy’ Ns.
            They are basically leaders of their own little cult. It’s just as hard to leave as it is for Scientologists!

            Your trust in God, and your loving heart and mind are precious to God.
            You are precious to Him.
            It’s written “he who turns away from evil makes himself a prey”.
            So true!

            It’s ok that you need medicine to help you sleep. Whatever works!
            The abuse is not your fault.

            Any N-relationship traumatises a healthy normal person.
            Jesus knows.
            2,000 years ago He read out His job description, part of which was that He “came to heal the brokenhearted”.
            I love Him for that!

            I have to get to sleep now (I’m in Australia). I’ll write more tomorrow.

          4. Thank you, Caroline, for your kind reply. ♥️ You have been very sweet to interact with me. Thank you, sincerely.

  8. HG, has any of your past girlfriends said any of these to you? I only ask because I myself have said almost all of them at one time or another to an ex. Are you sure I’m not a narcissist?

Vent Your Spleen!

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