Does The Narcissist Think About the Disengaged IPPS?
I know that when I have disengaged from you that you will think of me more than anything else. This is all by design – be it instinctive (Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist) or calculated (Greater Narcissist).
Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome because invariably you do not know who has actually disengaged from you.
I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply an Initial Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrap heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.
One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? Do I ever feature in his thoughts? Does he think about what I am doing? Does he recall the good times? You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony – of course this is being driven by your emotional thinking which is wanting to feed your addiction to me.
You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did we actually make love to one another? Did I really love you? You know you loved me, indeed you still do, but what of me?
Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Your truth seeking empathic trait is being seized on and corrupted by your emotional thinking. It drives you to want answers and you are left believing that such a driver is logical and should be addressed. It keeps the thought of me in your head, going round and round, question after question, ensuring that your emotional thinking is alive and surging.
Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether I am thinking about you in a similar fashion?
While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. You have been deleted because you failed me (at least in my mind that is the case) and therefore you have erased from the record. The narcissism demands that. You are of no use to me and therefore you are erased, deleted, removed and wiped away.
Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of supply dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the tea contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss. The narcissism demands that must be the case – your replacement governs our thoughts and actions now and therefore there is no need to be reminded of you, that is redundant and as effective and efficient machines, we reject the redundant, jettison the unnecessary and remove the failed.
I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. I do not remember you as I smell it, not the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy. We must not waste anything and thus the instinctive impact of our narcissism ensures you are not thought of.
When we have disengaged from you and we have done so because we have a new Intimate Partner Primary Source we do not think about you. If you enter our spheres of influence by messaging us, ringing us, walking by us or even coming to see us, you can expect at best a cold and polite short moment of recognition before we move on and at worst a malign response to send you away in hurt and pain. You failed us – we no longer want or need you. You have been replaced and therefore you are stricken from our thoughts and should you ever invade our sphere of influences in another way, we maintain this rejection of you.
However, once the new IPPS enters devaluation (and this person will – that is a guarantee – it is just a question of time) well, then you become useful to us once again and our narcissism alters the record once again. This time you will be remembered, although if truth be told you ought to prefer that you remain cast into obscurity because in all likelihood we will be coming back for you in some form of other to draw again on our investment, to seize our property once again but solely for our benefit.
18 thoughts on “Does The Narcissist Think About the Disengaged IPPS?”
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I think that when the person is not, yet, healed, they hope the Narcissist is, indeed, thinking about them. But, when recovery is complete, perhaps they are glad to know that they are NOT in the scoundrel’s thoughts, any place, or at anytime!
Joanne,
It takes some of us awhile to finally except this as the truth, but when we finally do, it’s all over and done with!
honestly at this point in my healing this provides me with relief. him giving other women attention does not make me jealous. As thier fate will ultimately be the same as mine.
With that said, he’s the only one initiating Indirect Hoover’s still. Trying to evoke a reaction from me. And honestly I wish he would just get on with his life instead of getting his friends to spy on me all the time. We are still part of the same social circle and because of that it feels like it will never end.
I’m currently focused on getting to the point that this no longer bothers me. And praying he finally gets an IPPS that he considers amazing fuel instead of just having a bunch of IPSSs going at once. And even then I really hope his IPSSs are keeping him busy to the point the Hoover’s eventually Stop.
I just read my comment from January, and NA’s reply to it – He’s not thinking about me, until he is, and even then he is only thinking about my fuel.
I know I am not the IPPS, but this is so real to me now, months later. I know this and feel it and believe it. Even in our exchange over the weekend, I felt it. Any idea that he’s reminiscing about me, pining over me, wondering ‘what could have been,’ has now been squashed by my knowledge and logic. I know it now, I FEEL it now, there is nothing. Hollow, meaningless words are all he has to offer in exchange for whatever fuel I am willing to provide.
The actual, honest belief in your words in this article is what is finally setting me free!
Joanne, when I finally realized this I went through some pretty bad emotions. When I tried to express the emotions all I could come up with was invisible. But that’s not right either because invisible is at least a word. How do you explain the feeling of nothingness? What am I if I’m not even worth a thought. I took it personal as if his thoughts of me (or lack of) were the only ones that mattered. Like you, it was NA and also K that basically told me to snap out of it (in the most empathic way of course). Now I can except that this is his defect not mine and that his thoughts of me don’t define me.
I haven’t been getting notifications from WP so I don’t know what happened this last weekend with your contact. I will go back and read through comments to get caught up. You sound like you’re doing good regardless.
Mercy
The damage to our self worth caused by their withdrawal and/or “deletion” of us is SO hard to repair. It’s as if their value (or lack thereof) of us is all that really matters. It’s unbelievable how strongly this affects us all. I think when we finally believe that it is NOT personal is when we can begin to heal. It is entirely HIS defect. I no longer view his “hoovers” as a sincere longing or desire for ME, the same way I no longer think of his callous withdrawal as a consequence of my failures or shortcomings. I now visualize him spewing his same garbage out to 10+ other women. It’s not genuine for me, and it’s not genuine for them either. He is a robot, that’s all.
Joanne, I remember when you asked me if his apology helped with closure even though I knew it wasn’t real. Now you know why. His apology was only something he had to say in order to get something he needed for himself. They have nothing to offer us. I read your response to blackunicorn about the exchange being necessary. I agree with you even though I know HG does not encouragement it. When we are no contact and going through the emotional bullshit they have left us with it’s hard to apply the logic of a situation. After months of gaining strength here with HGs teachings and support from the readers, when the Hoover happened I could identify the manipulation. The strength was a part of me. I didn’t struggle when I knew it was time to get out. I just did it with no explanation and I’m fine. I don’t feel like he is a part of me anymore.
Anyway that’s how I feel today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully we both learned something and have taken a leap forward.
Mercy
I remember that conversation (about his apology) well, and now I really understand how it just doesn’t make a difference either way. It’s all just a means to an end. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t “give it another go.” Thanks to the knowledge and strength I’ve gained here, everything in my body, heart, soul, brain just rejects it as artificial and just entirely unbelievable.
The thoughts still swirl, mainly as we discussed the other day – working overtime to process the situation and how I walked into it.
I’m glad you’re feeling ok Mercy. And it sounds as if you’ve definitely taken a huge leap since this last hoover <3
I missed your post about the weekend contact too. It sounds like you’ve got it in hand though, which is so empowering. I’m really pleased for you. It’s s a great feeling when you wait to feel the familiar feelings and….. you don’t!! You just see the fraud they are. It’s a huge step forward when you get to this point and such a relief too! X
BU
Thank you! What happened on Saturday was that since he was not blocked on FB (he was “missing” from it when I initially went NC) he saw a comment I made on a mutual friend’s post, which I guess put me into his sphere of influence and led him to message me. We shared an exchange for a bit where he said that he “admits he fucked up, but I’m so beautiful and would I want to give it another go” (summarized). I did respond and we went back and forth for a bit until it was clear that no I was not interested in trying again and he ghosted off. I blocked him for real a few hours after that. But YES! It is such a freeing feeling to not have that temptation or hope or stirring of desire. This might be ET talking but I almost feel like this was a necessary (or at least helpful) exercise in which I could really apply what I have learned in real time. In this brief exchange there was gaslighting, blame shifting, future faking, and more. I could really see him for the fraud that he is!
Good for you!!!! Exchanges like that are definitely necessary and helpful because you can actually see and feel how far you’ve come! It’s like passing a practical exam with distinction, lol!! You can more or less say to yourself “six months ago, if he’d done this, I would be so excited, thrilled, etc.” because you would have taken it on face value and believed it. Now, it’s like watching bacteria doing predictable things in a Petri dish (with the only downside being wondering why you didn’t see it before!). I’m so pleased for you!! We’ve come a long way!! X
BU
I am cracking up —> “Now, it’s like watching bacteria doing predictable things in a Petri dish.” That is hysterical! And your comparison to the practical exam is the exact thing I thought to myself while this exchange was happening. I can pass the written exam with flying colors, but what putting it to the test in real life was another story. Thank you for all your support! xoxo
You’re very welcome!!! Xxx
Probably not, unless they are plotting a revenge… wait, I need to read the article. Sometimes I just read the title because I become excited to comment about something that comes to my mind.
Though mine is the boss, I’m so content to know I’m not on his mind, that there’s no demands on me from him except any I might foolishly have in my imagination. I spotted him stalking a young girl in the company on her FB, and I texted him just to point out her age to him, which is younger than his own kids. I’ve been his conscience for years and my nagging has stopped him from doing things in the office. It’s an old habit, which always seemed like not doing it would be like passing by something bad and not stopping to fix or help it. All I really accomplished with my texting, besides giving him fuel, is tipping him off that he needs to cover his tracks better. He smeared me just recently about something else to scapegoat himself, and I was able to recognize it and smoothly ease out of it and recover. So hope I didn’t screw that up with the text, but I said I wouldn’t say anything more and he ended the text with That’s a good idea. Never mind what’s wrong with this narcissist, what the hell’s wrong with me?? I don’t even feel anything anymore.
GOSO is in my heart and beginning to spread to my mind finally, until I physically leave the company. Re-reading everything here reminds me he isn’t real, he’s a fuel seeking machine. I’m very relieved not to be on his mind, and he’s very close to not being on mine too.
HD Tudor, I am a Super Empath, My Lesser Narc was sent to prison last week for 5 years for assaulting me, the assault with the Lesser happened just as you described when I tried to leave him. He had a weapon, a loaded gun and you were exactly right, he used it, but I went into Supernova mode and put him in prison. Of course, he brought his new supply to sentencing. He did the fluttering eyes all as you described, he turned to face me from the podium and I turned my head, I refused to give any fuel even as he heads to prison.
My question is in relation to this article – will he never think of me again for these next 5 years? I don’t want him to. I want him to forget me and to be left alone. I want him to keep focus on his new supply, which he should be, for prison phone calls, food, and visits and for her to pay my restitution. Your thoughts?
Hello Survivor 75 and welcome,
1. It is HG, not HD. I am not a television set.
2. Unless you were the judge, you did not put him in prison.
3. Well done on avoiding providing him with fuel.
4. You cannot control a narcissist. He will think of you, either as a consequence of being reminded of you or a random thought. He will of course think of you less if you stay out of the first five spheres of influence. Furthermore, even if he thinks about you there is not a lot he can do about it since he is in prison. Use this head start to build and cement your no contact regime.
That’s so good survivor. My lesser assaulted me when we broke up as well. I didnt press hard on it. I felt pressure to ask for a light sentence.
I honestly thought things got heated, and I was the only one he did this to. He got diversion and charges were eventually dropped, but he still has a record of it.
We have a child in common, and I recently dis a background check on him, I found out he assaulted multiple women, and there was never enough evidence to convict him. In my case there was.
I feel like I let myself, my daughter, and all his past and future victims down by going light on him.