The Seduction Shuffle Hoover
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is not interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Word reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
11 thoughts on “The Seduction Shuffle Hoover”
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I am enjoying my hoover because I am no longer emotionally involved with him (I am a kind of narcisist too) so I am playing with him: he is trying to hurt me and manipulate me, he wants to meet then disappears and I sit watching the show, he organizes dates then finds excuses…I just do nothing, no texting, only answering politely and meet him to have sex. Very funny 🙂
Oozing with Emotional Thinking.
Oh agreed, HG.
Yes of course but I dont care, I also have another person to play with and when he disappears (he will) I will not care, very easy 🙂
Sally, during one of the hoovers I experienced recently, I thought the same as you in that I could handle the negative and just enjoy what I wanted out of what I perceived as the positive. Consciously it worked well; subconsciously I messed myself over. I didn’t realize that until it was over again.
What do you really want? Would it be better to play “narc chess” and enjoy the bare minimum, which still comes with great risk, or would it be better to know you have won you and only use your time and energy on someone worth your time and energy.
HG,
What do you thinks makes the Super Empath? Until I came across your information, I just thought I was probably a compassionate narcissist with self-awareness and an ability for empathy…lol. Which I know is an oxymoron but that is all the sense I could make of my behavior, my thoughts. My father, now deceased, was probably a great narcissist. All of my romantic relationships have been with narcissists. Additionally, I have worked for several narcissists. Each time, when I have reached my limit, I have rained absolute hellfire and destruction with a coldness and brutality that always caught them unawares. In retrospect I am frightened and at times saddened by the things I have done to be free of them. But when I am in the moment or executing my plan I feel absolutely nothing but a tunnel vision desire to destroy at all costs. I suffer internally in the aftermath of it but I am free. I am now working on how to stop this cycle as it is no quality of life for me and the abuse I have endured has taken a toll. Anyway, you have given me loads of stuff to ponder and in some weird way given me relief.
Do you mean what are the traits which constitute a Super Empath or how does the SE come to be ‘made’?
Yes it’s not clear is it HG?
Anyhoo – the concept of how a SE is created or ‘made’ has been giving me some little pause for thought recently. Until I fully appreciated I had c-PTSD from my father and PTSD from my ex-H, I never gave it a moments thought.I just assumed we ‘sprung up’ like a bunch of daffodils. I am a SEM.
The ideal pairing for a G is to get a good, solid Co-Dep. This is precisely what happened in my own family. PN hunted my mother down and she would have been like a lamb to the slaughter. He twisted and trammeled her mind. I believe his actions triggered a psychosis in her.
I love my mum, I need her now more than ever but I cannot reach her because she is still in the thrall of PN. She is not of a sufficient cognitive awareness to understand fully what her husband has done to her. Fifty years is a long time.
I’m now very proud to say my mum is an emapth. Albeit a very silly one.
I believe (and HG, I would really appreciate it if you could comment on this one, if not for my own understanding and awareness) that a SE is indeed ‘made’.
When a Greater couples with an Empath, they run many significant risks. It is true that the Gs want to create their own mini appliances. My father tried to do this with my brother and I. What he got was almost the precise opposite of what he wanted. This is why, in his words, we are both ‘disappointments’. No shit, Sherlock.
He wanted to be pater familiaris: head of the house. What the cunt got was a SE and another G. This is why, despite the fact that bro can be a wank-stain, he understands me and i understand him. Bro and I talked last night. He confirmed what I have understood about him from my contagion strand and then latterly from a more cognitive POV.
PN tried so very hard to get me to toe the party line. He was at times very very kind. At others, so cruel as to be unbelievable. I worshiped and adored him. He was my own Personal Jesus.
So the answer to the question ‘Are SE’s made?’ is a strange one. Yes, absolutely we where made but not deliberately. We are the spunk droppings of an out of control mini-dictator who thought he could manifest his own desires.
And now, the only men I want are those that are aware. I cannot help it. Except my ET and ER means that it is now only the very best of the best that I want. I still understand that I am being played but now I simply do not care. I ask myself ‘What am I getting out of this?’
I hope this answers your question.
I find myself on here once again seeking answers.
My husband of 23 years, left me on March 5, 2019. I know right now, he has absolutely no interest in me as he made it perfectly clear to me when he left. I know he is focusing his attention on his new source of supply- which he obtained about two weeks after he left me- truth be told, I don’t think he really wanted her, I think he only choose her do to his lack of response on the dating website. LOL I consider her a downgrade (and yes – I did read your post regarding that as well.) Anyways, I’m not here to talk about that.
1. If he ever does decide to hoover me, how can he hoover me when he is NOT ALLOWED to contact me in any way shape or form. My husband was arrested and charged with 3 counts assault and uttering threats against me and two of our children (20+ years of abuse, that started like an IV drip and then got progressively worse throughout the devaluation phase and then tippled when he was getting ready to discard me. Threatening to kill me, stating he would hire someone to kill me etc etc. ). My husband is basically out on bail until his trial date on Jan 15, 2020, and has conditions of release that he MUST follow or he will be arrested.
What does one do, like him, in that situation, where he can not DIRECTLY or INDIRECTLY (through a third party) contact me- if he actual does want to hoover me? After his trial date in January, unless he is found guilty, those conditions would be removed. Would he just wait until then?
2. Why would he ever want to hoover me- after escaping a 23 year relationship?
3. As a side question….At the end of the devaluation stage, just prior to discarding me- he would constantly tell me he was in a great deal of “pain” because he was in the relationship with me. He said he was in so much pain that it made him cry (which I of course I did not witness this- in the 23 years of our relationship I have never seen or heard this man cry- not when his grandmother died or when we had to put down both of our dogs.
Anyways, from your perceptive, what does that mean- him being in pain?
How can one be in “pain” when they are the one inflicting all the verbal, psychologically, emotional, sexual and physical abuse? When they are the one manipulating, gas-lighting, lying and cheating. When they are the ones who get to do everything and buy whatever they want? When the rest of us in the family, especially me, are the ones suffering? How is he the one in pain? and if he is in so much pain, why would he EVER want to hoover me or want me back? ( Not saying that he would ever want me back- )
I came to the conclusion my husband was a narcissist one – two months after he left me. When I came across your blog- and started reading all of your posts – i knew for sure he was. I am very interested to know if you consider him to be a lesser, mid-range or greater narcissist. A friend of mine and I talk about this extensively- I switch back and forth from him being a lesser to a mid range- but he does have “some” minor traits of being a greater.
Anyways, I am going off topic. I do plan on contacting you for a consultation with regards to that and more in about a weeks time. I have since purchased about 5 of your books in the last 24 hours and have already read through them. To be honest with you, I don’t know where I would be right now, mentally, had I not come across your blog. I came across it four weeks ago, and it has helped me tremendously. Even my therapist, who had been away on holidays for the past three weeks noticed a change in me- (I was not in a good state when she left- I was still trying to understand how my husband could do what he did. How another human being could treat someone in that manner without any form of remorse. As my husband told me when he left me, I am damaged- ironically enough, he was the one who damaged me; he did a real number on me mentally. Interestingly enough, he did say once I lost my weight (I had already lost 70 lbs in four months when he made that comment), and fixed my head (mental), he would come back. My response, “I wouldn’t want you back. You would be to late and would have lost me forever.” Was this a warning on his part?
Anyways, I apologize for going on and on.
Dear KF,
Thankyou for your kind words about my work and I am pleased to read that it has assisted you. No need to apologise for ‘going on and on’.
You raise a lot of questions and I note that you intend to organise a consultation. Rather than provide shortform answers at this juncture (since the questions you pose require expansive answers) it will be far more useful to answer these various questions, in detail, when we consult.
Never! I saw him and his new source at the weekend. I exchanged pleasantries with her, however he as ever was treated as invisible. I had no urge to contact him in any way despite the fact it was his birthday. He sat with his head down at the next table looking old and miserable as sin. His new source was pawing him for attention. and she got none. They left after an hr… why would he treat his new IPPS so coldly in public if they are still in the Golden Period (recently engaged)? shouldn’t he be showering her with attention? I find it all very strange as a neutral observer.