Lonely

lonely

 

I like it when you are lonely. That is my favourite place for you. When we first meet if you make mention of feeling lonely, or send a self-pitying tweet decrying your loneliness then I am straight on to you. You may as well have taken a knife to your chest, slit it open and shouted, “Come and get me.” Those in a state of loneliness are massively susceptible to my overtures when I decide to engulf you in my bombardment of flattery and zealous appreciation. Those who have tired of their single status and wallowing in solitary confinement seize on this interest of mine. The red flags may be fluttering but you never see them or if you do, you think “how pretty”.

I may make you feel wanted and special but all I am doing is moving you. I am transporting you from loneliness in the real world to isolated splendour in my false reality. Once I have positioned you there I shall busy myself cutting you off from family, friends and acquaintances. You will readily go along with my fabricated denigrations of people you once held dear and who you saw regularly. You want more of the sugar that I am pouring on you. To do that you need to spend more time with me and thus less with anyone else. It is hardly a sacrifice though is it? Any dissenting voices are marginalised by cleverly constructed smear campaigns against these people (watch out – that campaign will be used against you in the not too distant future). You are an eager co-conspirator happy to discard these people (how can you be so callous?) with the repeated promise and reward of more of my intoxicating attention.

Once all those ties have been cut you are mine. You are dependent on me for everything. You have nobody to turn to and thus your focus will always be on me. As you try harder to please me, the realisation of your isolation becomes all the more apparent. You can feel the tendrils of loneliness wrapping around you once again. I know you will feel this and I know you will do all the more to cling onto me, your life raft, your beacon of hope in the wilderness. Anything to avoid being left alone. I am afraid it is too late. Your isolation was sealed the moment you listened to me. You are so alone nobody can hear you scream.

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63 Comments

  1. I was in an LDR when Narcx first spotted and targeted me.

    At the time, I thought I was in a relationship *with* someone across the pond. However, I was often sad that I had no one to go to dinner with and to generally hang out with on an everyday basis here in the US.

    The LDR was a lonely situation and I must have been projecting that loneliness outward for any narc to pick up on. I will never do an LDR again.

    I also will not date anyone again while I am in a lonely or a low state.

    I do not want to think or say to anyone, that “maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me.”

    After all, I do not want anyone to be my wonderwall.

  2. HG been there and done that…..you are just as vulnerable sweetheart…..you do believe you can love, and become less selfish, and connect with heart and soul.
    Sorry but love can enter any human beings heart…
    You are not a monster unless you chooze to be..
    And yoi really dont want to be…
    Cant fool me

      1. Hi HG, is emotional thinking the ’empathic equivalent’ of the narcissist’s magical thinking (“she’s the One, this time it will work, I will sleep with 1000 women and not get an STD, I will not go to prison, I will not be reported to HR”, etc.)?

        1. EmP,
          Great analogy! This helps to understand the reality and separate the fact from fiction. It is all about the evidence or the lack there of, for example…did she miss me and want to see me? She had a million opportunities to say so but did not. So, I assume the task of mind reading, and engage in emotional thinking that I am a selfish person to expect someone to be direct and honest…and down the rabbit hole I go. The Zero Impact concept is so hard because it is my entire family that has mistreated me, and amidst extricating myself from the dynamic by applying total NC and identifying the thousands of thoughts a day about these people that I need to stop entertaining, I am left unable to grieve the death of my mother who I now realize was just like the rest of my siblings.

          1. Hi E&L, I hate the idea of ’emotional thinking’. It makes me feel weak and stupid. That’s why I want to fight it – and I will get the Zero Impact package soon to begin with.
            You are not selfish for expecting people to be honest and direct!!! But, as HG said numerous times, empaths are prone to guilt and self-flagellation so I understand why you would blame yourself. Let me offer you a *virtual* cup of tea now…ha ha.

            I grew up in a family of narcissists. I was the only empath (apart from my maternal grandmother, whom I barely saw anyway) and it was hell on earth. I went NC with ALL of them and moved to another country.
            Do I think about them and what they did and the impact their abuse had on me? Of course. And I do it often. BUT I am planning on doing everything I can to stop this (or at least reduce it significantly).

            Another battle for me to fight, and win.

            Please keep in mind that grief takes time to elaborate. DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP AND BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. Take it one step at a time, OK?

            Finally, last but not least, read HG’s material. It’s a bit hard to digest at times, but it will give you clarity and validation.

            Take care!!

        2. EmP,
          Thank you for sharing your similar story. It makes the walk a bit less lonely. I wish for us both peace and comfort.

      2. And that Sir was and still is at times something that I always think. He does want to be loved, he doesn’t want to act this way or do these things, he is really kind on the inside. It’s hard for someone that has been taught, “There is good in everyone, you just have to be willing to look for it and bring it out. Everyone wants to be loved.” My Mother the sweetest woman in the world, I also now believe she was a co dependent. Thanks for taking my blinders off HG.

      3. Now now HG, you know this is incorrect! You swine!

        On one of my trails through the Internet, I happened across a group at a very well known and prestigious university in the UK.

        This group is attempting to ‘teach empathy’ to medical care practitioners. It’s post grad and I simply do not understand what they are attempting to achieve. You can teach cognition to a degree but you certainly cannot teach affective and you can give a big fuck off to contagion.

        I then dig down into who is leading the group and … yeah… you gots it!

        Their so-called ‘stats’ in peer reviewed journals are all over the place. This is because people who are in the so-called soft sciences, haven’t a fucking clue when it comes down to hard maths.

        I am a member of the Royal Statistical Society. I am also a Fellow of the Royal Astronomical Society. There is a very good argument which has been advanced by pure maths people that Stats in itself is far more suited to other realms and isn’t technically maths at all.

        I concur.

        Spoke to a Phd student this weekend. Psychology he was well into his third year. Shocked and astounded how he tried to blag the P and N tests with me.He hadn’t a fucking clue. Very very norty to do that with me though. He was from my own alma mater as well. I told him my background was physics and yet he thought i was a nurse.

        Ha. Ha. Ha.

        [HG – Imma gonna need that balcony soon!]

        1. Renarde, I’m not sure if I can forgive the calling of HG “swine”. I’m digging deep right now girl!

        2. With all due respect I’d like to shed some light.. Empathy training in healthcare is of huge importance. Huge. I’ve had points in my career I could walk past a dead beaten child (twice) and I felt nothing. Nothing. Laying on the table dead—one scalded/burned and the other simply beaten to a pulp. When this happens to a normal person or empathic person there is a need for discussion and assistance which is like a battery re-charge. Attitudes tend to flourish and responses become human again with patients. Empathy fatigue is what is really attacked in empathy training. The stats improve because people improve. Only 1/6 are narcs so with 5/6 feeling refreshed the stats are evidence. People aren’t taught to feel per se—those that can are given permission. Empathy is designed to be fluid.

          1. Well stated. Empaths can and do suffer a reduction in empathy which then recovers. We never had it and cannot have it injected.

          2. Thanks but this sort of research has been proven by meta-analysis repeatedly. It’s done in some shape or form often. My MS was primarily focused on trauma informed care so there was a parallel to this sort of information. Since a meta analysis doesn’t lie I just had to think of why.

          3. Lorelei, God love you for doing what you do! Without that reduction in empathy, you wouldn’t be able to do the hard things when it is necessary. I don’t know how certain professions see the things they do and carry on. You do what you have to do and somebody has to do the hard jobs. We never know what we can bear until it is thrust upon us. Thank you for being there!

          4. Lorelie: Like MB said, thank you. Also I have some thoughts regarding empathy concerning the N. sociopath and the N. psychopath. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I am hoping to discuss my thoughts on Narcsite when they are stronger. It is difficult to do because I have to trudge through what the so called experts say, as they war with each other, and then I have to filter what they say through my own experiences and my own reason and logic. Fortunately, I have no reigning school of thought, preconceived notions, dogma, politics, nor self fulfilling prophecies that could compromise my thinking on this topic.

          5. Hi Princess—I just saw this comment. It sounds like you are trying to better develop the thoughts. It makes absolute sense. And you are welcome:) I really like my work—my big interest is public health and I’m in a public health disaster in the zip code where I work. Public health and research align in tandem and is very data driven which is good evidence to support (for instance) new initiatives. I would actually work in a health dept (for instance) but I have some perks associated with what I’m doing now that keep me here. My real goal is to just work at Sephora though.

          6. Hey Loreli. Thank you for your comment.

            I percieve that we are largely in agreement. It’s semantics.

            However, your post struck me (which is why I’ve taken some time to respond).

            What bothers me is your quite clear episodes of dissociation regarding the dead children. I understand this as I have PTSD although mine manifests in different ways.

            I cannot imagine what it must be like to see death and suffering. Every single day. I don’t think this is compassion fatigue (something that this academic group discuss) it’s dissociation from extreme trauma. That cannot be even got to grips with a mere ‘pep talk’.

            Responders and ER staff are faced with trauma every day. I don’t know how you do it. Amazing.

  3. That’s cool; I love to drive! I must have my music on when I drive, though. I like going fast through the twists and bends of the mountain roads. It’s exhilarating!

  4. The only reason why I have been rather alone is because I have taken to isolating myself since last Narcissist from Facebook site (before him were others). I am not terribly lonely, though, because I have my dogs, and a bunny. I have friends, too, but I don’t want to see them.

    This site, here, is rather addicting. I sort of like it.

  5. My typing leaves something to be desired…Should read, “when I drive myself my light IS found.”

    1. Yeah because, we’re thinking, aww isn’t that so sweet; a little much, but sweet.
      Meanwhile, it’s all a horsesh!t 😂

    2. Oh god, how true! I am Nicola now channel 4. Now I know how he broke me :( bit by bit
      Red flags glowing!!

  6. I think of all the articles I’ve read over the years of yours HG this one I hate! This one hits home, this is a step by step article of what I have left happen time and time again. From that lonely little girl wanting love and attention, to the woman I am today still looking for that very same thing. The difference is now I know that true happiness can only come from within myself, none of that was my fault all those years ago and the more I tell myself that the more I start to believe. I now know the love and attention I was searching for I’m not going to get by being in the arms of a man who has no idea what love truly is, that love is going to come from me, loving and being happy just being me.
    You know I don’t really hate this article HG, it forced me to look at the truth and sometimes that is a very hard thing to do. Thank you HG for finally forcing me to open my eyes to the truth.

    1. FM1T,
      Driving to work yesterday, I heard this song, and immediately thought of MB… and it makes me think of you too.

      So, Darlings, I’m just trying to tell ya… if you could only see what I see…over you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSi4DUcgcHk

      Love,
      Caroline-is-fine
      P.S. “Rainbow,” Kasey Musgraves

      1. OMG Caroline-is-fine! I love Kasey and I already love this song. Country is what I listen to (as if nobody has noticed! Ha ha) I’ve seen Kasey live twice. Thank you for thinking of me. It means a lot. #whosaysonlynarcshaveeverpresence

        1. MB & FM1T,

          I’m running late, but there is no way I can dash off like this, leaving FM1T in tears… so one more little ditty, to solidify our obvious “Empath Rainbow Connection” — and maybe good for a giggle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaxoaKwx8tU

          P.S. HG is now thinking: “I hate you, Caroline!…making me listen, even for 10 seconds, to such drivel, from a frickin’ frog puppet.” (I’ll email later to apologize, HG? Lol)

          #CarolineLovesKermit

          1. Anybody that’s been on here long knows I love frogs and toads more than glitter! Thank you for sharing the frog love Caroline!

          2. MB,
            Well, it’s such “ribbiting” music that I just had to share, even if it made HG hoppin’ mad.

            [Yes, yes… I’m totally done for the day, HG…please don’t get croaked up about it.]

        2. You’re welcome, girl! I love an array of music, and hot country is definitely on my list. :-)

      2. Caroline-is-fine, one more thing…I’ve never thought of myself with this song. I did dedicate it (send) it to a friend who was feeling down a few months back. Now it can be my song too 😊

        1. Thank you for sharing Kelly D.

          That’s the Narcsite theme song for the month of July!

          That version of ‘Cold Little Heart’ is just the right length for a sex sesh with the hubs. I can give Norah a voice break for a bit 😂

          1. Was that how long the song was? I didn’t even look. Ha ha. It’s seemed about right. I miss N soooo much. All this sex talk… I gotta get my brain in a different gear!

          2. Got it, MB. Switching gears. We end the day thinking of all things pure & sacred…
            -Mother Mary/Angels on High
            -Mister Rogers
            -Kermit
            -newborn babes
            -Empaths’ hearts

            If nothing else, I’ve confused your brain. Never underestimate the power of confusion, ha.

      3. Hi Caroline, FM1T and MB,

        Caroline, your post made me think of “Drive” by Incubus in honor of FM1T and MB taking charge of their lives and finding their own happiness:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC2dDTMn_tk

        Especially the line, “Lately I’m beginning to find that when I drive myself my light if found.”

        Hugs to all

        1. Thank you FYC. I’ve never had songs dedicated to me before, much less all these in one day! Y’all are all so sweet.

          1. Caroline, Your thoughtful song inspired me. So glad you enjoyed “Drive”, it’s a good one.

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