Getting Away With It (And What To Do)
There are many things that we do (and do not do) which cause you to feel upset, angry, fearful and frustrated. One of those things that I regularly witness is the fact that we appear to always get away with it. We come up trumps. We emerge smelling of roses. We ride off into the sunset without seemingly a care about anything. You meanwhile are left to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and wonder what the hell has just happened. We seem to be able to get away with doling out reprehensible behaviour, often with no comeback or repercussion. We leave you in the dust and swan off with a new prospect, full of smiles and Facebook picture postings of us and our new appliance. We are still liked and lauded by our friends, even some of your friends may still want to have something to do with us. Our family are unfazed by what has gone on. Those that we work with listen to what has happened but do not alter in the way that they behave with us. We go on with our lives as if nothing has happened. You appear to be forgotten about. Certainly the way we have treated you is regarded as if it never ever happened. We always seem to be heading onwards and upwards. We always appear to be winning. We are getting away with it. Why is this?
- It is the way we have been created. We are not designed for musing on the past, ruminating on what has gone before and reflecting on the things that have happened. Old fuel is no good to us. We need to keep moving forward in order to locate and absorb our next fix of fuel. This programming results in us always moving forward and in so doing we do not cast a backwards glance.
- We are untroubled by remorse, guilt or conscience. We do not care and therefore unlike somebody normal who would show upset, embarrassment and sorrow at our such behaviour we do not. We are able to shrug it off and continue irrespective.
- We are never accountable. Everything is your fault. Having such a mind set makes it far easier for us to move on with what we need to do. Indeed, not only are we not burdened by the concept of having some form of culpability for what has happened, but we are helpedby the notion that you brought it about, you were the traitor and therefore we are entirely justified in doing what we do. We have a right to move on and find someone else.
- We are entitled. Our huge sense of entitlement justifies to us that whatever we do is correct. This further adds to our sense of always being right and therefore that even if we felt remorse, we have no need to do so. It is a double whammy.
- Our charm and seduction means that it is easy for us to find somebody else who will fall for us. We rarely find ourselves cut adrift in a howling wilderness, devoid of emotional attention and lacking fuel. We ensure we have a replacement source of primary fuel lined up. We focus on this new person and channel all our effort to embedding them as our primary source of fuel.
- The façade. We create a façade from our family, friends and colleagues and this is very hard for you to shatter, especially in the state that you are when you have been discarded. This façade gives the impression that everybody accepts and agrees with us and not you.
- Deletion. Following your discard, we effectively forget about you unless you keep appearing in our spheres of influence. This ability to jettison you so dramatically enables us to keep moving forward. We to all intents and purposes forget about you.
- We are experts at fakery and conning. This means that we often manage to worm our way out of situations involving the authorities and law enforcement. We point the finger of blame at you instead, we appear calm and reasonable (contrasting with how you present yourselves as) and so few people know what we are and even fewer understand it, that we are able to wriggle away from such difficult situations with ease.
- We are brilliant at portraying that our life is marvellous. We are the masters at presentation, after all, did we not weave an incredible illusion that conned you when we first seduced you? We give the appearance of being incredibly happy with our new partner, that our life is going well, that we are loved and adored by so many. This positioning and projection of our apparent circumstances to the world creates the appearance that we continue to get away with it.
- There are rarely repercussions. Our victims are not in a position to do anything to achieve revenge over us. This is for several reasons. First of all, most of our victims have no idea what they have just encountered and therefore are unable to challenge something they do not know about or understand. Secondly, our victims find themselves exhausted and worn down, they just do not have the resources to fight back. Thirdly, as a consequence of the way we manipulate you, you are left still loving us and wanting us and therefore your thoughts are aimed at winning us back and not at securing some kind of retribution or revenge.
Thus the totality of these characteristics and situations combines to give the impression that we are always winning and thus that we are always getting away with it. But are we? How can you deal with this apparent state of affairs which only serves to upset you, frustrate you and anger you? Turning to each of the above points in turn.
- Understand this is the way that we are. There is nothing you can do about it and since this is the way we are; it is not your fault. We have to do this. You do not. Who is the winner now?
- The fact we have no conscience or sense of remorse is just how we are. Again you cannot affect that. Do not waste your time and energy appealing to something that is not there.
- We regard ourselves as unaccountable. That is our outlook. Does that mean that we are right about that? From your perspective we are not. You ought to content yourself with your perspective. Do not think that you can do anything to change our perspective. Leave us to it and maintain your own perspective and stand by it.
- Our sense of entitlement is based on our perspective once again. You do not have to accept that.
- The fact that we entrap someone else should come as no surprise to you. Remind yourself that the basis we ensnared you is exactly the basis on which they have been ensnared. We have not “won” the heart of that person fairly. We have done so through deceit. We have cheated in order to create the appearance of winning.
- Those who form the façade have been subjected to our charm and lies for a significant period of time, on the whole. You are unlikely to be able to change their views and certainly not if you appear frazzled and hysterical. Why do you need those people to know the truth? You do not. Perhaps in time you will be able to set it out for them and let them reach their own conclusion but if they remain ensconced in our illusion that is a matter for them and is not your concern. You got out.
- The deletion may feel harsh. Again it is our methodology and there is no need to trouble yourself with it. Instead, you ought to be focused on deleting us from your life.
- Bide your time, acquire the evidence and present it when the dust has settled. We took you by surprise when we seduced you, we came out of nowhere. If you have a desire to see us held to account by the powers that be, wait and present the best evidence you have in a rational fashion and leave the rest to the relevant authority. If it works, you can celebrate. If we wriggle out of responsibility do not be dismayed, just regard it as further confirmation of just how easy it is for people to be conned by our kind and be thankful you now know about it and you are moving on.
- You have finally understood that we dragged you into an illusion. All that we are doing is maintaining that illusion to the rest of the world. It is not your role to keep applying a pin to burst that illusion. Other people must work it out for themselves. Remember that what we are showing the world is just more of the illusion and you know now the truth.
- It is not your position to exact retribution at this stage. You must look to yourself and to your own defences. If revenge is to be applied, it must come later and in accordance with the methodology which works which I have set out elsewhere otherwise it will fail. You may draw greater satisfaction from progressing your own life, rather than dwelling on “getting even” because exhibiting your contentment without us, when we do eventually consider you and notice, irritates us considerably. Even worse is when you ignore us.
It is evident that we do move on without concerns and therefore give the appearance of always winning and always getting away with it.
The key for you to remember is this.
It is an appearance.
31 thoughts on “Getting Away With It (And What To Do)”
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This is the type of brutally honest article that attracted me here in the first place. You just can’t argue with it!
There is some grim satisfaction ahead for the empath that has escaped a Lesser narc : time inevitably catches up with them. The lessers (ESPECIALLY those of the victim cadre) , over time, lose everything they had going for them. Looks fade, they can’t hold jobs long term (except the upper lesser), they don’t mature -and this infantile attitude becomes more and more obvious the older their body gets . They lose friends and have trouble making new ones as they get older – because other people have matured and find them intolerable .
They become frustrated with their position in life being so lowly.
Once they hit their 40s it all starts to really go downhill fast .
Thanks for this post. I needed to be reminded that they hit the wall. My narcex, now into the 50s, looked like shite last time I saw them. The deterioration across a single year was staggering. Drinking, drugs and goodness knows what else are taking their toll. A mixed bag for a victim-somatic LMR. Meanwhile, I’m looking and feeling better than ever in my own skin.
I used to read this article and find it rather dismissive. In the send that the advice seemed very “get over it”…
However when you are a person who is capable of experiencing a wide range of emotion, the “get over it” approach is not at all effective. If your kind was capable of experincing all the emotion we could you would understand why this is not an affective approach.
Feelings are good, healthy and normal. They also need to be worked through. As empaths we
Experience this at a higher level then most which is why it is all the more important that we do not feel dismissed.
Anyways… months after NC and recovering I look at it with fresh eyes. It is common sense and straight forward… I appreciate that.
The most important thing I take
From it is when you mention that we must be confident in our beliefs and hold them (this can be difficult when we have been manipulated to believe the other person shares our values) but you are correct to not waiver from them… I found myself asking that question to myself frequently during my time with him,
Which was “why am I putting
Up with this I don’t agree with him fundamentally”
I do have a very high expectation on how people should behave/react. I don’t think there is anything wrong with my standard…. but this reminds me I don’t have to argue with people to agree. I just simply have to move on from them as they don’t meet my standards. I always stay with people thinking it will work for me or that I should MAKE it work… I don’t want to do that anymore.
This is a lovely post. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks. I think it’s important to note that intellectually understanding emotions and experiencing emotions are two different things. We can’t be told to dismiss our feelings, while people mean well by sentiments like “move forward” that moving forward can only be done well when are given time to process our feelings and work through them in a healthy way. And that could presumably take a while after abuse or a traumatic incident.
If you keep feeding those emotions though they will not go away. If you sit and keep thinking about something concerning the narcissist , you will feed your emotional thinking and it will keep you stuck. This is not dismissing feelings, you have them, recognise what they relate to and then stop giving them energy through engaging with the narcissist and those feelings will fall away. If you sit “processing” this holds onto them, it is about recognising what has happened and applying the logic to stay away from the narcissist. This will then reduce your emotional thinking and the unpleasant feelings associated with it. I state this with reference to ensnarement with narcissists.
Your first sentence resonates with me. I completely agree that we can not keep feeding them re: interaction with the narc. At one point we have to separate ourselves from them. I also tried to work out my feelings with the narc and that was detrimental…
However… once the narc is gone we still have a lot of feelings to process due to the abuse that took place. The cognitive dissonance, feeling of loss, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, guilt, rage etc.
When you are a person that can truly sense all those feelings (sometimes at once) that takes time to work through with ones owns self.
I can’t speak for others but I would imagine a lot of us use your sight as a way to work through the above feelings mentioned. Because we can not engage with the narcissits we are left asking questions to ourselves we would like answers too. Some of us may stay and keep engaging with the community as a source of support. others may leave once they feel
They have healed, and other may pop by from time to time for a “tune up” if you will.
They need to be worked through, sorted and worked through in order to move on. It’s why the 5 stages of grief exist. Because empaths can not just pick up and move forward like a narc. It is not
Something we are designed to do.
With that said. You’re right. Staying stuck
Is incredibly unhealthy. I don’t advocate for remaining in a victim state for the rest of someone’s life. It can have detrimental affects on ones physical and mental
Health. I agree we can begin to allow our emotions to completely control us and that is a scary place to be. And not at all
Productive.
completely lacking the ability to feel any emotion is problematic on its own as well.
Being a normal has advantages
As there is the best of
Both worlds.
Again, 007, you’re spot on! There are times now when HGs posts help, and others that are just very triggering. All in all, its about moving forward, but whose to say how long it is supposed to take? Its not a linear road, and it can reappear when healing has been ongoing, despite continuing NC. Thanks for putting it so succinctly for the rest of us NTs.
Kelly
Yes, the way I learned to distinguish things was- if I’m processing and I’m not feeling any better —- the processing needs to take a different turn
At one point I realized that I just wasn’t growing in this department anymore. So I focussed on more self-care and I bought a few symbolic trinkets to have around in my room -to sort of remind myself consciously and subconsciously to go into the next phase .
It worked like a dream .
I moved away from Narcsite briefly and went back into my usual study of awareness for a while .( I recommend urbangurucafe,com btw 😆)
I did some study on the various worshipped goddesses throughout history.., I watched the television series American Gods (so good!)
I just took my mind off narc site and got back into other stuff that uplifts me and helps me grow or stiff like goddesses – that just interests me but I haven’t gotten around to studying yet.
Things balanced out and then I came back to Narcsite to further my learning .
It’s understandable that we become obsessed with narcissism and sociopathy after our experiences because we want answers but then the study of narcissism can become the new obsession that takes our narc’s place
Definitely a healthier obsession but obsession nonetheless
Emp007
So true , and yet we DO still have to “just get over it”
It eventually all comes down to that.
But we CAN get justice if we redirect where we achieve it- spreading HG’s word and landing blows across narcs internationallly instead of our individual narc 😆
Haha ! I like the sound of that !
empath007 –
When I did this: I found myself asking that question to myself frequently during my time with him, which was “why am I putting up with this I don’t agree with him fundamentally”
I know I was selling myself out. I had a subtle feeling I was doing so, but I ignored it, and continued to see out.
I loosened my standards so that he could be and stay in my life. I do regret it.
I think being manipulated into lowering our standards is fundamental to the relationship with a narc. We have all been there, and it is a major component in the feelings of shame we experience both during and after. The truth is, they have no moral bottom, and if we stay, they will push our boundaries ever lower – and then turn around and accuse us of low, moral standards!
HG ..very true . It is an appearance.
The narc also doesn’t learn from certain mistakes , such as getting into fights , causing damage , or feeling entitled to destroy property etc. He doesn’t reminisce or contemplate his paste actions or his paste in a way that reminds him to remember how so many people took care of him . He had a lot of help from individuals ….family, or what’s left of any friendships that haven’t moved on , but eventually have . He doesn’t allow that to be mentioned out loud. I still do remind him and wound him .
Correct. Your reminder will be challenge fuel.
HG. …if a mid range narc is wounded at work daily by customers complaints , and then comes home to repair his wounds …can watching tv shows , sports , or favorite music repair his wounds and fuel him ? Does a narc always need another human to repair the wound ?
1. Customer complaints will not wound, they will amount to Challenge Fuel.
2. Where wounding occurs to a narcissist the response to this is set out in the book “Fury”.
Yes I can see the fuel he gets when Someone complains ..true.
No 3 is chillingly accurate!
Sounds like antisocial personality disorder
HG, have you ever done time in a prison? Do you respect law? International law?
No. I am the law.
*chuckles*
Will I get Hoovered? (I just want to be logically prepared) even though I got him sacked for abusing women (he still isn’t quite sure it was me and blamed another girl who he was seducing at the time) and then I got a 3rd party to put his profile on a Blacklist site when he provoked me by changing his profile picture to him wearing a Croatian football shirt, his new Intimate Primary Sources country (who he was going to cheat on wirh the girl he was seducing!!) I bought him a Manchester United shirt in my Golden period as he professed they were the love of his life!!??? (BTW..I bought your “Revenge” book, it’s brilliant!!😂😂💪)Thanks HG. Just reading your Exorcism book now.
You are welcome.
1. Cease looking at his profile.
2. Cease having his profile put on blacklists.
You are engaging with the narcissist and maintaining your emotional thinking which will cause you problems.
Will you be hoovered? Organise a consultation with me and provide more information and I will give you the accurate answer.
https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/
https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
Wow! only just seen this today. Thank you for replying HG.
He created a new Facebook profile, it cropped up on “People you might know”.That’s how I saw it, I didn’t go looking and his old profile that he deleted was blocked by me anyway…So that must also mean he hasn’t deleted my mobile phone number yet.
I only contacted the one Blacklist page and that did enough damage. It was basically a silent punch in the face from 3,000 miles away. I won’t do anything else now and I am totally No Contact.
I will definitely look into having a consultation with you soon but I’ll need to prepare it. Its a long story.
Thanks again HG, your work is my sanity saviour.
You are welcome and I look forward to speaking with you in due course.
I don’t know what kind of revenge someone would want, I guess that would depend on the situation, but if anyone did seek it, I’d say model it after the old South: deliver it slyly with a smile, because you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, and narcissists can be very susceptible that way. But I’m sure it’s wiser to let it be, learn a lesson and live better now because of it. There’s a lot of narcissists in the news right now not getting away with it, and I lost count how many times they said the word “narcissist” and ‘no empathy’ after Trumps visit to El Paso. Seems like the world is catching on and has had enough.
Correct Kelly.
Sad post. I still fail to see the connection between causing irritation or narcisstic wounding by living well if we’ve effectively been deleted and forgotten about? Neither of us ever existed. It’s arguably the cruelest thing about narc abuse.