A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 97

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST - J´S LETTER

 

Dear T,
You may wonder why I am writing you now.  The truth is, you’ve been on my mind a lot lately.  Oh, who am I kidding?  You haven’t left my thoughts since the day this all started.  I know how boring and tiresome you find all this, so to make it a little more interesting, I thought I would summarize my never-ending analysis of us into some detailed metrics which I have listed below.
9
12
45
158
10
1
3
15
1
9 represents the total number of hours we spent together, in person, on dates, in one another’s space.  A single digit number.  I can recall from start to finish how our conversations went – or should I say: I can recall everything YOU said.  It was ok, though.  I was happy to let you talk, patiently listen to your stories, your woes about your ex.  It pleased me enough to drink you in, to allow you to unload that burden you seemed to carry.  Less than 10 hours of physical contact, holding hands and awkward intimacy, kissing and touching, the feel of your skin, your heat…. me desperate to climb on top of you and love your hurt away.  Looking into your eyes and feeling like I’ve escaped to another world where only we belong.  Less than 10 hours which to me felt eternal in our own secret world.  To paraphrase from the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, “sometimes forever is just one second.”
12 is the average number of texts we exchanged per hour.  Of course, some days it was more.  The contact was constant during that brief time.  How I would light up when I saw your name appear on my phone.  Electricity. The sweet words, the compliments, the promises, the suggestions of our future.  I thought my heart would burst.  And then there were the lulls which would send me into a mental frenzy, unable to concentrate until finally your messages would start back up.
45 is the number of days this whirlwind lasted.  Less than 2 months.  Just over 6 weeks.  0-100.  The intensity was so strong, the romance moved at light speed, leaving me spinning in your blind spot after you sped off.
158 is the number of days it has been since we were last together.  Months have passed.  Holidays have come and gone.  Seasons have changed.  The confusion lingers although I have the answers.  I cannot seem to move on.
10 is the number of pounds I shed due initially to the “lovesickness,” the buzzing, fed by adrenaline.  The lack of appetite followed later with the abysmal sadness and emptiness I felt when things shifted.
1 is the number of days it took you to become an entirely changed person.  What’s happened to that sweet, charming, attentive, affectionate man?  Who is this lookalike replacement?
3 is the number of times I asked you directly what was wrong.  What happened?  What changed?  WHY?  Can we talk about it?  Each met with a dull, dry “nothing’s changed,” followed by silence when I pressed.
15 is the number of times you liked or commented on my social media posts since the day you changed.  I cannot describe the feeling of relief that washes over me when that one special ‘like’ or comment appears in my notifications.  You still approve of how I look.  I exhale.  That particular pose or post pleases you in some way and I am momentarily validated.  A quick hit before I sink low all over again.
1 is the number of times you’ve suggested a reunion.  It was half-hearted, cheap and again, it came from the NEW you, not the one I fell so hard for.  Not from the mask that died 158 days ago.  Part of me wanted this reunion so badly – just to see!   But logic would win in the end.  Not that the battle was too rigorous.  I know you need to conserve your energy for fuel that will flow a lot more freely than mine.  You didn’t try that hard to lure me back out…
After all of the above, what I was not able to quantify were the countless number of tears I cried, nights of sleep I lost, hours I spent researching your behavior, lies I told my husband.
With all this said, I still vacillate between going back to that first day and changing direction entirely, to reliving it and doing it all over again.  I shock myself with this admission.
I suppose the sum of all these numbers is just wasted time, wasted energy and wasted emotions.  45 days of the highest highs I’ve known, followed by 158 days (and counting) of being unable to let go.  What kind of spell is this?  Can you please release me?  I know I’ll never get any answers from you, I know none of this will ever make sense from my world view.  I pray for the day when it no longer matters.  I wish you no (real) harm.  I am no longer in love with you yet I remain…
yours ensnared,
J
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31 Comments

  1. Laced with delightful sarcasm and an ounce of frustration at empathic stupidity HG? Maybe not but that’s how I hear it and it makes me laugh every time

  2. This is one of my fave videos . I laugh at the obviousness being pointed out in the lion analogy. “Why? BECAUSE IT’S A *LION*”

  3. I was just thinking of you J 💕
    I’m glad you wrote this letter. I think it’s a huge step. Our timelines were very similar and it makes no sense why it takes as long as it does to get over them. I hope this helped you get some distance from him.
    Lots of love to you dear friend.

    1. I’m so worried about how long it’s taking to heal! I can’t help but think maybe it is me. The name calling I got in such a short period of time. I go over the entire short lived relationship over and over again!

        1. I’m not even certain he is a narcissist! However everything happened in the relationship to make me feel that he may be. I knew nothing about the personality of a narcissist. A friend opened my eyes to the red flags. I was shocked how fast the affair went sideways. The lovebombing, the devaluation, the discard. All the blocking of my cell number. Or whatever messaging account. I still in my mind feel l brought this on myself, By maybe standing up for myself. He even threatened black mail. I can’t believe I’m writing on a blog. I feel so saddened.

          1. You’re in THE PERFECT PLACE at this blog. Read everything from HG . And feel free to spill your tea here. We all get it

      1. Welcome Nicole
        We can all relate to what you’re going through right now. It takes time, but reading and learning is the first step. I would encourage you to listen to the recording “Is He a Narcissist.”

        1. I knew him a lifetime ago, and he annihilated me then. I just thought it was cause I was so young. I always wondered what happened why it happened. So I reached out to him after 20 plus years. He barely remembered me. when I showed him my picture. The lovebombing was out of this world. I had no idea what was coming:( ! I have been discarded so fast and with such venomous word! I’m waiting for him to reach out to me. Yet who would ever contact someone again after the word vomit. Most of all why am I ok with or wanting this contact!

          1. Nikij44
            I’m so sorry to hear this. We will never ever comprehend their level of callousness. I completely understand the power of the love bombing and the longing for the Hoover. The addiction they create is unreal. The quest for answers – the whys. We all understand. Sadly, we we will never get an honest answer or closure or decency. You’ll find the answers here and the closure within yourself, in time.

            Also please don’t think that you “caused” any of this by standing up for yourself. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. And besides, there is nothing, not a single thing, you could have done to achieve a different outcome with this person. This isn’t your fault. I hope you will stay around and read and share.

          2. I have so many questions and thoughts. I still cry daily and wait. I can’t help but read our texts and think I pushed him. One day he would say he hated texting, yet that and calls was all we had. With the distance. The next he would say but I’ll text with you. Then blow up at me cause I texted to much.

          3. I had just read this article,
            Getting space from your abuser is essential. Be sure to document events as they happened, rather than how your abuser tells you they happened. Save text messages, voicemails, e-mails, audio or video recordings (if permitted in your state laws) which can help you to remember the facts in times of mental fog, rather than subscribing to the distortions and delusions of the abuser.

          4. Niki
            I know that you are reading the texts, looking for clues as to what changed and when and why etc. Those answers aren’t there. All you’ll do is find ways to assume blame upon yourself for the outcome, when the reality is that he is a narcissist, and he will do what he wants, what benefits him, for whatever reason he sees fit, with absolutely zero regard for you. That is it. You would be better served to delete those texts (I know this is hard) or at the very least leave them alone and spend your time reading and listening to HGs work. I promise you, the answers are here. It is so sad and confusing. Mine turned on me like a light switch. One day counting the hours to see me, future plans etc. Next day, small talk like I’m a distant stranger. They lie. They are always online. They are getting fuel from multiple sources (women), simultaneously. There are many levels to this, but the point being that you won’t get the answers from him. It hurts now, I know. It’s time to learn as much as you can about what’s happened to you so that you can stop the spinning. Go to HGs YouTube channel and start listening. Please take this important first step. You will be ok 💕

          5. It’s to painful to even think of
            Blocking him,
            Or deleting text. I actually regret that I deleted quite a bit. I think those early ones would show me the red flags that I missed. He lied to me from day one about where his separation stood. He told me to go away in the first week of
            Communicating, and blocked me. Then makes plans to see me. Calls me my love, says have my baby, says I love you. Then tells me I have so many issues and to get help. Then still keeps plans to see me. Tells me what he wants to do to my body. Then Told me I’m a over thinker. I’m so sensitive, emotional. In the end he blocked me and I was so needy and desperate I found so many ways to contact him. That’s when he threatened to show my family inappropriate pictures he has of
            Me. If I ever text him again. Week goes by, Then another try. Cause once again I apologized and said what ever it would take, he offered me a
            Crumb but he needed to deal with some personal stuff then he would circle back when 1-3 months was up. I fell apart. I couldn’t give him that space. So I was blocked again. Told I’m a psychopath, nut job. Mother F**er. I’m broken again. I still remain this way 3 weeks of radio silence.

          6. Niki
            I know you want to analyze these text, try to build a case and figure out where things shifted or where the red flags popped up. I deleted all of the “nice” texts so when he changed, I didn’t have the “proof” to look back on to reassure myself that it wasn’t just my own emotional embellishment that caused me to feel some type of way. Was I crazy? No. HE CREATED THIS FEELING IN ME based on his bombardment of love bombs – mainly in text. I trust myself now to know that is true, without the text proof, despite the memory fog, etc. You don’t need to build this case with evidence etc. The net result based on everything you have shared is – he is a bad guy, a toxic guy, a narcissist. Unfortunately, he has you addicted to him. I strongly suggest you reach out to HG for consult. He will sort it all out for you as he did for me and many others. You may be broken, but you WILL heal.

          7. Yes. Exactly. All the “love” texts are gone and I’m just left with the rage texts of what I had done wrong. I literally have to try to remember the nice things then the bad things. I told him I erased all the negative. So not to have the negative looming in the universe.

          8. I understand. I too, was desperate to keep from leaving things on some weird or negative note. He shelved me in the end, so a different ending than you had. One thing I did while in your stage was to type out a timeline in an attempt to sort it all out. I’m a very analytical person so I needed to “compile my data” in order to stop it from swirling in my mind. It also helped when it came time for my consult with HG. I’m aware now that I am far better off not having all the love messages. You may not feel this way now, but trust me that we did ourselves a favor by deleting those messages.

          9. To be put “on the shelf” means that he did not put me through devaluation and he did not break things off with me. He became completely distant, changed who he was and how he behaved toward me entirely, withdrew his affection. He was tossing me crumbs of attention at this point. He was done focusing all his efforts on me, so he put me “on the shelf.” In the US we use the idiom, “keeping someone on the back burner.” Meaning it is there, still simmering on very low flame, and is not getting the attention of the things on the front burners – not getting stirred and watched, etc. You get the idea. A narcissist will do this with someone once his attention has been directed elsewhere but he’s not ready to give you up as a fuel supply. He puts you on the shelf and will pick you up and put you down as he desires. Like a plaything, because that is all you are, really. I must clarify that I was not his girlfriend. I was a “secondary source.” If you read HGs articles, this will become more clear.

          10. Ugh. I went through that. All the while begging for answers. I don’t know what is really going on in his life. He lives far away. I can say there was a lot of information online. That he failed to mention to me. Lies right out the gate. I can guess his wife is his primary source, they are separated and live in different states. I found out she filed a year ago and he’s done nothing to help move it along. Yet he told me he was going to file and what he had to give up, because he initiated the split. Now I’m blocked, because he didn’t want me bothering him anymore. I have been reading HG a ton. Trying to process it all! I never mentioned anything to him about what I found out. I was stunned how sweet he was initially then how venomous he could be with his words, and his threats. I’m still spinning!

          11. Oh…. then I see him on what’s app.. online constantly. Once told
            Me he didn’t have his FaceTime

          12. Oh…. then I realized he was in what’s app. Texting and online all the time.

          13. Nikij44. It is addiction. It was asleep in your body. Good! However, You awakened it. The sneaky monster inside you conned you to reach out for his stuff again. It is like picking up crack or cigarettes or heroin after quitting it for 20 years. And you say, you just wanted to test yourself. Test yourself with a new nail polish color. Not by reaching out to a bad person for you. Then they find you somewhere bad and very sick, and still looking for another hit. Like you never kicked it. Like you never quit. Except you look so much older than the first hit. I live in NYC. I see people relapse all the time. Older and Older they age. Their eyes look wild. They are anxious for another hit. It is not a pretty sight. Motto: Do not touch the stuff again. Find some other test. He already failed you. People do not test well. Now, he tested you. To see how much dirt you will eat. It will be more if you allow another time with this entity. Another test. Dirtier Dirt. The grade will be even lower the next time you test. Be unhappy for a little while and safe and respected, then unhappy and treated like dirt. You will heal.

          14. Nikij44 you sound like you are in such pain. And we all can relate to that. The best place to be is here on this site where we all understand without any explanation. A friend of mine who has just recently left her narc said to me ‘your head ends up in such an incalculable mess’ and it was a reminder of how true that is. The best way i can put it metaphorically is that your head, heart and soul ends up like you are living in a very untidy cupboard where your most precious items have been turned upside down, messed about with, lost or ruined. you cant find anything or understand how it ended up like that and it feels like you dont know how to even start tidying it up. It’s just one big mess causing you massive anxiety. you have to get your ‘manual’ out – which is here on this site. Just keep reading reading reading the manual and after a while your ‘cupboard’ is completely emptied out and you start repacking it again. Once more it becomes orderly and tidy and looked after again just the way you want it and just the way you like it and all your precious items are back where they belong. Right now you are torturing yourself with those texts thinking you said or did something wrong or could have done something differently. You’ll be looking for clues each time you read them as to what you did or did you miss something. But as you learn here from HG and others you will find your answers and everything slots into place as you continue to learn. Nearly two years on I still get ‘pennies dropping’ and see certain memorable and even inconsequential behaviour and incidents in their true light. Reading gave me the ability to apply the logic which is what quells the pain – it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

          15. Thank you for taking the time
            To write to me. Tonight I was thinking I don’t really think he’s a narcissist,
            I just f***ed it up! I really believe I pushed.

  4. Dear J, as you know, this letter echoes my situation so perfectly, it’s eerie. Even down to the numbers and their explanation. I have written many letters, but never sent them in, because none of them articulated this experience well enough. This one does! Thank you! Xx

  5. “Nothing’s changed.” reminds me of times when I’d be emotionally distraught due to obvious devaluation, narc and I would be going back and forth with the most hurtful things being said. I’d think, surely this is the end, and suddenly he’d calmly say, “We’re good.” As if he was finally satisfied with the amount of emotion he’d drained from me… for the time being. I would be utterly exhausted and he would be just fine and sleep like a baby.
    I hope you can be free.

  6. Good letter J girl! I know who you are and I love the way you expressed that. Beautiful and honest. I’ve wished for a forgetting potion. One to release me from the spell.

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