Blameshifter
It is fundamental that we remain unaccountable for our actions. One of the most effective ways of avoiding this accountability, provoking you and leaving you exasperated and stunned is to engage in blame-shifting. We are the blame shifters who will always use this form of manipulation in our ceaseless quest to maintain the upper hand.
Not only is it the case that we believe we are entitled to complete immunity for what we say and do, occasioned by our innate superiority, we also believe it to be necessary for us to be able to gather fuel as often and as effectively as we do. If we were slowed down by having to make meaningful apologies, explain ourselves, account for what we have done and accept responsibility for the consequences this would absorb time that would be far better spent in the pursuit of fuel. Hampering us in such a way would result in us becoming weaker since we would not be able to gather as much fuel as usual. It is therefore necessary, so we remain sleek, effective and light of foot, for us to never be concerned about accountability and also to never allow responsibility to rest with us. As with many of our machinations, this approach also allows us to gather fuel in itself by the imposition of blame on others, usually you and the astonished and outraged emotional response which then flows from this staggering act of walking away scot free. As ever, words are our best allies when it comes to throwing off the attempt to make us assume the mantle of responsibility. Here are five of our favourites.
- What do you expect me to do about it?
A delicious subtle piece of blame-shifting to begin with. We do not even state that we regard it as your fault, your responsibility or your liability with this question. Nevertheless, the implication is clear – we expect you to do something about it because we do not ‘do’ responsibility, your role is to clear up after us and you signed up to that role when you accepted our overtures. Did you miss that term of the contract? Don’t blame us, that’s your own fault.
I regularly brag about how brilliant and special I am. That I have many talents and if I so chose I could remedy many situations within moments, but notwithstanding this being the stance that I adopt to the world at large, I am not going to do that with you. Not a chance. I am not here to pick up the pieces after you, although I expect you to do so for me repeatedly. I can do as I like and you are obliged to make good the damage that I cause – collect the broken pieces of crockery, apologise to the shell-shocked friend after an outburst, try to solve the financial headache that we have left. If you have caused a problem, and let’s face it, it is always your fault anyway, you cannot expect me to do something about it. I am above such menial tasks. I have important and bigger things to attend to. Such as? I don’t have to explain myself to the likes of you. If I caused the problem (which in reality is usually the case) I am not going to do anything about it.
- Deal with it.
That’s the way it is and you had better get used to it. This haughty declaration is par the course for our sense of entitlement to do as we please. We bulldoze through everything and you just have to put up with it. You can’t walk away; we will not allow that to happen. Issuing this barked instruction at you is an effective way of upsetting you. It is telling you that you are useless and you should just be getting on with the situation rather than complaining about it. You shouldn’t be complaining; you should have already guessed that you needed to sort the situation out. Don’t ask me for help because I just do not have time for this mickey mouse nonsense.
- You caused this to happen.
We like to maintain that we act with the omnipotence of a god but how many times have you found that you have somehow caused something to happen so that it would suggest that you exercise the powers of a deity? My late arrival was down to you. My failure to remember something was caused by you. My infidelity for the sixth time was wholly as a consequence of what you have done. At its most brutal this declaration is issued without any explanation as to why it is that you caused the problem to arise. We say that it is the case therefore that must be right. Does this exchange seem familiar?
“Why is that the case?”
“It just is.”
“But why?”
“Because I say so.”
Other than our kind, who comes out with such assertions bereft of reality or explanation? That’s right, children. That tells you all you need to know about our mentality when we accuse you of being the one who has caused the problem. If you are “fortunate” enough to be given some kind of explanation it makes perfect sense when viewed from our perspective, although it will not from yours. That is deliberate. We want you to feel astonished, bewildered and annoyed at our sheer audacity to make the connection between our wrongdoing and your causation.
“If you were more loving I wouldn’t go elsewhere.”
“What do you mean by that? I couldn’t be anymore loving towards you.”
“Oh that’s right, deny it is anything to do with you and make me out to be the bad person.”
“Well, it is you who had the affair.”
“Caused by you.”
“How?”
“I have already told you and if you cannot accept that then there is no point continuing with this conversation.”
You get no answer no acceptance of blame. All you get is a tenuous (in your world but not ours) explanation as to why our wrongdoing is all down to you.
- Why do you have to spoil everything?
A cousin of the third shirking above but with an added layer of blame. In the above example, you have caused the problem although you may not necessarily have intended it. With this statement we are telling you that not only is the problem not of our doing, it is your fault and guess what? You meant to do it because you are such an awful and horrible person. Our rampant paranoia causes us to believe that you are out to get us, to topple us and that you are plotting to unseat us as a consequence of our behaviour towards you during devaluation. This is why whenever anything goes wrong you are the architect of that misfortune as you have purposefully set out to cause a problem for us, driven by your innate nastiness and jealousy.
- Why do you make my life so hard?
Poor us. Put upon by you and your terrible behaviours. This is often thrown at you when you begin to wise-up to our manipulations and either through choice or out of sheer exhaustion you are no longer engaging with our provocations and machinations. What we are actually saying to you here is, “Why do you make it so hard to extract fuel from you?” Your failure to play ball and do what we want is causing us to expend more energy in order to get the negative fuel from you and in accordance with our outlook as a victim, you are doing this on purpose. We need to get that fuel and you should be helping us, not hindering us, no wonder we lash out at you as we do because you are horrible and you make our lives far more difficult and hard than you should or once did.
34 thoughts on “Blameshifter”
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Narc Angel
You make some excellent points below about the sexual experience
Kiki
Oh I got plenty of #5 for the last week and a half.
Also I’ve noticed the victim and elite cadre are prone to false contrition, while the cerebral and somatic – good luck getting an apology
“Don’t apologize- it’s a sign of weakness” was my somatic’s advice to all
I always considered my MMRN to be a cerebral. I got plenty of “apologies”.
Was the sex good?
For the most part, yes. There was one time that comes to mind when he was sub par, in a rush, and rather selfish with reciprocating certain things, and I expressed my displeasure after the fact. He was apologetic and delivered in spades the next time. He did talk a bigger game than what he delivered at times but he was still good. He did a lot of romantic subtle prelude things which are forever engrained in my memory. Like the way he’d touch my face or trace his fingers here or there, look me in the eye and say “hey there” with certain intonation and pitch in his voice. He was very subtle with many of the things he did.
If the sex was good he’s probably an elite
The term good sex is so subjective. Sex being good means different things to different people. For some, ANY sex is good. There have been many people here who have commented that they miss the narc and had sex regularly with them but after disengagement admit the sex was awful, clumsy, or selfish. I sometimes wonder if it’s not the sex but rather intimacy of any nature that is the draw in that case. That they are so enthralled with being close with that person that they elevate the sex while still engaged and only see after that that was even an illusion. There are of course some that are more skilled but again, it takes two – mind and body.
True enough! Certainly the quotes SF provides reek of that pompous cerebral flair
Woke AF, I have shared many stories here of some of the stuff he has said. Like the time he said he liked to “theatricalize his verbiage in an Elizabethean manner” by saying “will you suffer a phone call from me?” rather than saying “do you want to talk later?” Me, not being nearly as intelligent said “Suffer? But I like talking to you”. At that point I was corrected and that explanation was given.
But yeah…pompous cerebral flair. That sounds about right. He has a large vocabulary and is very articulate, also hilarious (can pretty much do any and every vocal impression you could imagine and sounds just like the actor or cartoon character too) and is musically brilliant. Part of the reason why no one else I have interacted with holds a candle to him. Cerebral yes but I am not sure I would call his personality pompous though. He does not have a grandiose personality. He is actually quite paranoid and anxious all the time, cannot accept a compliment to save his life (“I believe that you believe that”) and his self esteem is just as bad if not worse than mine. Must be one of the reasons why we are so magnetically drawn to each other.
SF the refusal of compliments and low self esteem is the facade (if he’s a narc- has HG confirmed?)
HG has confirmed Piano Boy as a mid range.
SF oh shit! Ok so he’s legit confirmed
So- what is your end goal?
I found a good thing was , when I didn’t want to let him go- was to WANT to want, to let him go.
Woke,
I do not even know anymore. I have been intermittently stuck for 3 1/2 years. I want to let go but it really is just like a damn drug addiction.
I was DLS for 5.5 years.
I hear ya
Thing is, I wasn’t in love . I knew from early on he’d chosen another candidate and shelved me, if even I didn’t know the terms or what he was.
I didn’t really want him to leave her for me bc as soon as he cheated w me I knew I’d never be able to trust him . So it wasn’t as taxing on me. I go rogue on his ass for a few months then hit him up again. He loves it. Keeps it fresh.
He has others shelved I’m pretty sure. Maybe not quite as regular as me.
Plus we get along well as friends , and he’s not got the sadistic or malicious streak . Works quite well for both of us.
I’m not emotionally available for a real relationship and don’t know if I ever will be.
One of these times when I go rogue I suspect I just won’t go back ,-at least not romantically. Maybe this time – been since feb since we last hooked up.
Once I really GOT the mindset – I’m special but only as positive fuel and only until he finds a better source , he doesn’t love me, etc- then I was freed up emotionally – the last of any remaining attachment left. I could take him or leave him now although I do enjoy shooting the shit about what shows we are watching .
Your guy sounds condescending as hell no offence
What’s the draw? Mine is; he does shit for me, s&m is good when the partner actually thinks he’s superior and using you- better than regular role play bc he believes it LOL, and good tv show discussion plus, we laugh a lot about daily goings on in our community. That’s my draw.
What’s yours?
I’ve been DLS for 3.5 years. I am in love with him and I hate that I am. He is married and won’t leave her. He cheated on her before and was caught and his wife forgave him and took him back. He is paranoid about getting caught again and her leaving him. He is not sadistic of malicious but he is very paranoid and very “woe is me” all the time. Always lamenting his “guilt and shame” as an excuse to shelve me. But then says it is cruel to dismiss me, since he feels responsible for me. The latest is that he wants space but also does not want to be cruel and ask for space. So right now I am just kind of getting ignored for another indeterminate amount of time.
“Shooting the shit about what shows we are watching” – he loves turning the conversation around to this all the time. I think he really just wants a “friend” now. A very intermittent friend. He has made the usual declaration of “the intimacy part of our relationship is done”. It is all so hurtful. Friend zone and shelved.
Well you can always do what I did for four years – find another narc for the shelved gaps and get them on a rotating schedule. 😆 When one just begins to start to devalue-get out and go back to the other one who will be delighted and ready to golden period Hoover
All golden, all the time 👍🏻
Just don’t fall in love
Seriously if you’re in love you gotta bail. Ain’t nobody got time for that
I know I am way too attached. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. In any capacity. Yeah I have pretty much been taking what I can get, dealing with the intermittency of being friend zoned and shelved. The longest shelving I had was 5 months. The shortest was a few weeks. Yes “emotional thinking” and blah blah blah (and I mean no disrespect to you with that petulant mockery HG, I am just frustrated with myself)….
It is easy for “them” since they feel nothing.
Your suggestion of finding another narc is interesting. I do not think I need to do that though. Based on what HG says they seem to sniff us out. I am sure I will attract more of them eventually. At least if it happens again I know what to look for and pay attention to. But Piano Boy? I feel empty and depressed that I’ve gotten the old shove off.
Find another narc?
Ridiculous suggestion.
Believe me I’ve wondered. Except he is not that hung up on his appearance. As in he doesn’t seem particularly concerned with his appearance. He’s been gaining weight over the years and has grown facial hair which doesn’t really suit his features much. He also tends to wear the same few outfits over and over and doesn’t really have much in the way of style. His vocabulary and the way he continues his conversations, and the way he writes had me peg him as more cerebral. But he has a goofy yet sweet romantic side to him which transfers over into the intimacy. I don’t know. He is most definitely mid range though. More so mid-middle but sometimes he acts similarly to upper mid. But for the most part middle mid.
“Like” to NAs comment.
Pertinent points made.
Hg I was speaking sarcastically. I did bounce between narcs for four years – DLS to my MMR and on again off again IPPS to my narcoholic.
It served its purpose as I learned all about narcs 😆 but I wouldn’t actually recommend it. I’m joking with SF bc she’s so hung up on her “piano boy” (is this a Seinfeld reference btw? I know they had a “Golden Boy”.)
In general my advice is GOSO and figure yourself out , I’m quite content w/o my narcs now and not in any hurry for any more
WAF, no not a Seinfeld reference. He is a musician, a pianist. A few readers who used to post here (and sone who still do) began dubbing him “Piano Man” when I would share stories. Someone else (again my memory escapes me) said he was not a man but a “boy”. So it then became Piano Boy. And the times I shared stories of his “woe is me” nonsense it occasionally becomes “Saint Piano” since he is saint who can do no wrong and it is always my fault. A few people have shortened Piano Boy to “PB”.
There was one reader here who called him “some fake fucking church guy” (he plays piano for the church as a side gig). Oh the irony. Angel with a Dirty Face and a Holy MMRN.
Anyway that kind of went off on a tangent but I wanted to explain the reference.
“Seriously if you’re in love you gotta bail. Ain’t nobody got time for that”
This is the mindset I need.
SF you probably need a chunk of time NC to give your head a shake and get out from under his spell before your self worth replenishes but it’ll happen.
Once you’re out for a while without a Hoover you’ll start to feel better and better .
Correct. It must be Total No Contact.
Well in my experience- total NC with my narcoholic and within a couple days I began to remember who I am.
He told me I was this that and the other and then did stuff to provoke me to fill those labels. He’s the one I felt poisoned by also
It’s like as more time total NC passes, one comes back to oneself and then eventually you can hardly BELIEVE you ever put up with any of it.
It’s only in hindsight I can see that one one thing, the alcohol in my system had me depressed and down and secondly my self worth was in shock from my MMR AND my kids dad – otherwise I’d never have lowered myself to be with the likes of narcoholic.
After a lot of inner work I’m intact the way I was before my PARENTS split- the self esteem of a child who is well nurtured and unconcerned with other’s opinions. It’s amazing.
But i really don’t think it can be done if you’re in the narc grip. People don’t want to face the emptiness but it’s in the emptiness that one finds wholeness you just gotta be committed to getting through it.
I should add that it was my AA group that supplemented the lost family unit . Just feeling understood and cared for did it. That’s how I quit beer and quit narcoholic and was able to feel supported enough to continue the inner journey .
CoDa or ACoA or any group can do the same . Many there have experienced narcs as well if even they don’t have the narc education to know it.
SF start thinking “who the fuck is THIS GUY anyhow?”
Starting remember he is a narcissist and apply GOSO.
I used to get a kick out of ( yes providing challenge fuel) by , when my kids dad would declare something as fact…I’d ask him where he got his information. “Everybody knows” oh ok who? “That’s how it is!!” yeah but can you cite any source of evidence? He’d get madder and madder lmfao
Then I’d say ok so, it’s true bc it’s your opinion that your opinion is true.
Lol he’d almost combust w fury. He’d eventually tell me to fuck off, and add a parting dig at any information I had to the contrary being “off the internet” (his version of fake news) or otherwise discredit my source of contrary evidence.
Sighhh ah the good old days 😆
WokeAF I love your sarcastic humor – tells me you mourn no more for the narc. I am proud for you!
My kids dad? No I don’t mourn him. I was “over” him a decade ago but tried to push him to take responsibility for his kids and help out for the last decade or so but now I’ve stopped doing that and we’re all better off and happier. If There’s ever a feeling of mourning it would be more of a moment of sadness for my son or my daughter but ultimately they’re doing well so it passes .
I’m totally over my narcoholic , and I am totally over my MMRN.
I live in a small town so I run into all of them occasionally and I mess with them a little bit just for shits and giggles . Except for the narcohilic- I just ignore him -because he is a horrifically toxic person . Like really bad . He tried to destroy my sense of self-esteem and well-being . And he’s one of the ones that thinks he’s an empath !
I was slowly becoming zero impact over the last year and a half but certain aspects of understanding really clicked in in the last couple of months that accelerated zero impact .
I understand what zero impact is now. For me anyway- it’s actually finding humour in these people and just not being affected emotionally like it just doesn’t bother me at all.
I do completely avoid the narcoholic because he’s the type that will say one sentence and it will dig somewhere deep within me and just make me feel sick to my stomach . Not afraid of him I just don’t feel like putting myself through that.
My kids dad and my narcoholic are both just utterly walking disaster bumblefucks in life- so there’s much humour to be had from a safe distance .
I did spend 11 years in a full on relationship with children with my kids dad and it used to frustrate him to no end that I would not submit to his control .
My kids dad is still never endingly irritated by my confidence, self-esteem, trust in myself and in my intuition, my ability to laugh him off, or that I succeeded in life without him. I fought him every single time he tried to crush me. And I used to do things purely just to irritate him just for my own amusement while I was in the situation .
I don’t try to irritate him now, but my just general demeanour seems to do it for me 😆 I don’t hate the guy like I don’t wish horrible things on him or anything. If anything I wish him success because then the child-support payments would be better
Ps I don’t advocate staying with a narc or even interacting with them if you can help it. After 11 years I left my baby daddy to move to a different province and went into a shelter for abused women for two months. I told him I was just coming here to visit a friend. But after the first night I knew I was never going back. One year later he moved out here to “be near the kids “but I know now it was just an attempt to reconcile with me. I’m happy here where I am I’ve been here for 14 years, and I have a good life here and there’s no reason to move. But that means occasionally running into One of my narcs. I don’t know if I’m fully zero impact – but I will say that the impact is so minimal I barely feel it and it’s momentary . For the most part any interaction with them makes me see everything HG has said even clearer, and strengthens my trust in my intuition . And I get a Lotta laughs out of it