Weeping With The Frenemy

New weeping

You will be familiar with the concept of a frenemy. One of the applications of this oxymoronic portmanteau is to describe a person who pretends to be your friend but is actually your enemy. The frenemy makes several appearances in the narcissistic world. The most obvious one is us. We appear as friend but we are really the enemy. If you are an intimate partner who is the primary source you witness this first hand as love turns sour. As a secondary source you also experience the narcissist as frenemy. It is not always obvious because as that secondary source you may experience a lengthy golden period but even if you do, we are your enemy because we are taking from you, taking your fuel, acquiring your attributes for our own use and drawing on your resources by way of residual benefits, such as using your car, borrowing money, blagging invitations to events and so forth. The same applies to tertiary sources who are more likely to witness the charm turn to malice as a consequence of a delayed serving or giving attention to someone else instead of us in the store. Our kind are the frenemy incarnate. If we are not plain using you for fuel and other benefits as we smile, charm and compliment, we then turn rogue on you, lashing out and devaluing you.

With that stated however let us turn to another type of frenemy. The Lieutenant. The loyal and obedient puppet that not only provides us with fuel but supports us and carries out our wishes and wants without hesitation or complication. Every narcissist has at least one lieutenant, usually more and the lieutenant performs a range of actions on our behalf. The lieutenant will naturally provide fuel, praising and admiring, being a great audience to our witty repartee, providing a sympathetic ear when we complain about the behaviour of others and ensuring as a dedicated secondary source that we can always rely on them. The lieutenant can be relied on to acquire information for us in respect of the targeting of a potential victim. The lieutenant will form part of our façade and will welcome you with characteristic smile and warmth to be part of the coterie and as soon as the command is given by us, turn his back on you and pretend that you never existed. He or she will do favours for us, ever eager to gain our trust and praise and outperform other lieutenants. This is especially so if the Lieutenant is earmarked for potential recruitment to intimate partner. It is not just the victim who receives some future faking. A lieutenant will be promised jam tomorrow – whatever it might be, promotion to intimate partner, that promotion at work, the membership of that club we can secure, a weekend away with us – whatever lies within out gift will be dangled before this lieutenant in order to secure loyalty and their commitment to us. Of course the rewards will be delivered from time to time, so long as we have extracted a sufficient price from our part of view, but future faking plays its part in keeping the Lieutenant ready, willing and wanting. The Lieutenant will also be used in our post escape and post discard campaigns. They will assist with hoovers, they will hoover on our behalf, prove receptive to our smearing of you and indeed assist in plastering mud about you far and wide.

How then does our kind go about identifying and maintaining these Lieutenants? Naturally it depends on the nature of the relevant member of our kind.

The Lesser

The Lesser Narcissist operates with fewer Lieutenants than the other two schools. This is because he lacks the charm and ability to acquire them so readily but also given his low control threshold he also runs a greater risk of his devaluation of them proving too much and resulting in them no longer remaining loyal and thus they are either discarded or they escape the narcissist. The Lesser has very little trust and his inherent paranoia makes it difficult for him to create a wide network of those he can call on. Instead he often relies on family members to be his Lieutenants. Parents, siblings, extended family and adult children are common Lieutenants of a Lesser Narcissist. In terms of friends, he may have one or two friends who are longstanding. These individuals are often childhood friends who have known the narcissist all his life and feel a sense of duty and obligation towards the narcissist borne out of when the narcissist put his furious temper to good use in giving a bully a hiding and thus earning the ongoing gratitude and admiration of the Lieutenant. This Lieutenant is also frightened of the narcissist, as he knows what he is capable of and consequently aims to stay on his good side and therefore is very loyal. The Lesser makes no conscious decision to recruit people to assist him but rather, owing to his sense of entitlement, he expects those around him to do what he wants. Owing to his low sense of trust, he feels he can only rely on those close to him either from blood (family) or longstanding friends. The Lesser ensures that those who are Lieutenants do his bidding through a combination of guilt-tripping (“We are family; you should have my back on this”) or intimidation (“If you don’t do it I will kick your teeth in”). It is rare to find a Lesser able to recruit a Lieutenant from your own ranks and therefore your vigilance should be maintained primarily in respect of those people you know who are his friends and family.

The Mid-Range

The Mid-Range Narcissist is an extensive user of Lieutenants because of his generally passive aggressive nature he would rather have other people doing his dirty work for him (the Greater is similar but his rationale is different – see below). The Mid-Range possesses sufficient cognitive function and pleasant charm to recruit suitable people to do his bidding. He will have a circle of dependable friends from whom he will draw a few Lieutenants. He also makes extensive use of family and colleagues as well. The Mid-Range also recognises the benefit of having a Lieutenant from within your ranks He will do this on the basis of wanting to curry favour with you by cosying up to your parents, a sibling or a good friend in order to inveigle his way into their affections. He will not necessarily possess the out and out charm of the Greater but rather be regarded as a “good egg”, “a decent person” and “pleasant and likeable”. The Mid- Range will ensure he has numerous lieutenants because he will need them to be used extensively when he hoovers and smears at a later juncture. Master of the Hard Done To, he will tell his sob stories about how badly he has been treated by you in order to have those Lieutenants propagate this position to others through a smear or to convey to you how much the narcissist is hurting and needs you back.

The Mid-Range usually maintains his Lieutenants by doing two things. He does not future fake extensively (with Lieutenants) and whilst there may be occasional rewards he does not rely on this to any great degree in order to keep his Lieutenants loyal. He instead relies on being liked and also for people to feel sorry for him and thus they will do what he wants. He will use emotional blackmail extensively in order to ensure that his Lieutenants act on his behalf.

“I am in a bad place right now and you need to help me.”

“I knew you couldn’t stand by and see me be treated like this.”

“She has said some horrible things about you, naturally I defended you, so I know I can rely on you to do the same for me.”

“It just isn’t right for someone to behave like this.”

“You are better at dealing with people like this.”

“I am on the edge here; you need to help me out.”

“I know she is your friend but I don’t think someone as decent as you would want to be associated with someone who behaves like this.”

“I appreciate she is your daughter but she is letting down your family with what she has done.”

The Greater

The Greater has many Lieutenants. He recruits them from friends, colleagues, family and even acquaintances. The Greater makes its aim to have at least one (but usually more) from your ranks. His huge reserves of charm ensure that people are made to feel so special to be associated with him that they want to do his bidding. They want the Greater’s approval, favour and largesse. A master at future faking, the Greater will not only reward those who carry out his commands but he will also ensure that larger rewards are repeatedly on offer. These may be material in nature but they are often based on elevation. Promotion from outer to inner circle friend. Advancement from colleague to outer circle friend. Potential to move from inner circle friend to intimate partner. The Greater is no fool though and will ensure that rewards are provided, not only to maintain the loyalty of the recipient but to act as an incentive to the others who have not been rewarded on this occasion. If your narc seems to know when you leave home and arrive do not be surprised to find that he has even recruited a neighbour minion as a Lieutenant.

The Greater will use a varied range of techniques to ensure that his Lieutenants remain loyal and willing to assist him: –

–         Reward

–         Threats of devaluing behaviour/ expulsion from the clique

–         Emotional blackmail

–         Smearing the victim so the Lieutenant is motivated to “do the right thing”

–         Threats of exposing or exploiting a vulnerability of the Lieutenant.

Of all of the three schools the Greater is the only one who engages in calculated behaviour to recruit and maintain his Lieutenants. The Lesser has a limited range to choose from and thus there is no consideration given. He expects loyalty anyway. The Mid-Range does it by making himself likeable and then playing on a sense of obligation and loyalty. The Greater will scrutinise who will have something to lose and who will want to gain in order to use this information is his advantage in due course. These Lieutenants will then be subjected to the love-bombing charm (adjusted appropriately depending on status) and brainwashed (along with the presence and effect of the façade) into believing that the Greater is better than anything else, is to be worshipped and can do no wrong.

Keep in mind that you as an intimate partner may well be recruited for Lieutenant purposes as well as against the primary source that you have replaced. Think how often you have witnessed the incoming primary source join in on attacks against you once you escaped or have been discarded. Indeed, using the primary source as a Lieutenant in such circumstances takes them beyond the sphere of Frenemy and into total enemy territory, but that person remains a Lieutenant nevertheless.

We use Lieutenants extensively. We ensure we maintain their loyalty and you should always exercise caution in your dealings. You may think we are off the scene and we have disappeared but there are Frenemies lurking all around you ready to continue our campaigns against you.

Listen to Weeping With The Frenemy

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13 Comments

  1. ‪There can be no loyalty with those who are liars, manipulators, deceivers, schemers, backstabbers, cheaters, and disloyal, excuse-makers. They call themselves “tigers”, but are actually sharks that, not only sniff out blood, but rip thru their prey’s, intact, flesh to create the flow.‬

    No wonder BPD faces such a bad stigma; “Tigerchelle” is one of those who has given it such a bad reputation. Had I never read anything about BPD, but only knew what Michelle, a BPD, was like, I would also consider this condition to be just as evil as Sociopathy, and in fact, maybe more so.

    But, perhaps, they are not all alike; not all as calculating, cunning, and eager to play the ‘victim’ as she, who vies for sympathy and attention with her cut up, bloody arm, while her other arm, which is not in view of the camera, is shredding someone else’s life.

    The epitome of a Frenemy

    1. Tamara
      Who knows. She might be giving BPD a bad name without even having it. She could be something else misdiagnosed (if she even was diagnosed). At any rate she’s in the rear view mirror.

    1. Vernonique. Sometimes the Lieutenants, when set loose with their instructions, will not know when to stop, especially if that Lieutenant`s own pathos or desires comes into play, or is activated, during the mission. How many movies have we seen when: the Top person has to SHOUT angrily at his minions: “you bungling idiots!!! Do I have to do everything myself???? Who told you to kill anybody? etc. Who told you to have intimacy with him or her? etc. Who told you to drive the person completely away, and now the person refuses to deal with me? etc. I needed that person, I just wanted to send them a little message!! etc You dufus!! Who told you to steal more items than the painting I showed you? etc. etc. Now we have the police, the opposing side, The FBI, The CIA, the neighborhood, My Boss, that family, such a such person, the fierce enemy, and who knows whom else after us!!! etc. Because of your stupidity!! And, you ruined everything now, and I myself have to actually come out and fix it!! etc. You Moron/s!!! etc, etc. In some movies they shoot or strangle, etc. the offending minion/s right on the spot, and even right in the middle of a full meeting in the conference room, just like in a movie I recently watched. They strangled the offending minion with a garrote wire to death right in the middle of the meeting, then had another minion remove the body and then continued on with the meeting. Not really a PSE approved movie though. An ok sort of movie.

  2. Yep, I recognise all this. In your terminology, mine’s most likely a Greater Elite – she’s certainly an Elite. I established what she is pretty soon after she discarded me, after a few months of knowing each other. I allowed myself to be hoovered in order to carry out further research on my test subject. I discarded her when I got tired of her sociopathy. No contact is bliss.

  3. HG,
    Don’t you ever feel that you are being used by these so called friends ( lieutenants ) that are following you around doing your bidding just so they can be around you or be rewarded? It sounds like they are just as messed up as the narcissist is. They certainly wouldn’t be anyone that I would want as friend. Are any of your lieutenants narcissists?

  4. Dearest HG: Sometimes the Lieutenants can over fulfill the plan. The Narcissist`s Lieutenants had malevolence towards me that they hid when he was around….barely. They did not realize I could tell. I dealt with it because I was enamoured of him. I would not have given them 2 complete seconds of my time and energy, if it were not for him. I was not conned by their false bonhomie in the least. I just did not let them know. That is why they are so shocked now that I never returned. I blindsided them. I never gave them a heads up. They could not put their finger on exactly what happened that I was gone. However, if it were not for the bad Lieutenants, I possible would not have felt so ill as soon as I did, being `lovesick` for the Narcissist. Addiction really, I learned from being on here. They did me a favor, unintentionally. Keep an eye on your Lieutenants. They do have their own desires, that may differ from yours, even if they are latent, or even if they hide them from you.

    1. Dearest HG: I had an odd revelation this morning. I remember in the workplace, I was told quite a few times that the Narcissist was happier and more easy going when I was around, and more irritable the few times that I was not around. Also, when I was away for more than a week or so, I would return and often he would be ill or out with a cold or whatever. I noticed this and I used to tell one of his 4 Lieutenants, the bitter one, to make sure that he drinks water, and to bring him fresh squeezed juices, etc, whenever I knew I was going to be out and she did so. I never told her why. Also, I never understood why his 4 Lieutenants were so worried that I could enter into a relationship with him beyond being a NIPSS. I never thought that. Plus, he had plenty of sources and younger and very pretty. We just had a rapport in that I enjoyed something that he cared a lot about and I loved working on it. I did not know about NPD, so I thought it was his Brand that I enjoyed working on, and after coming over here and reading on Narcsite, I realized that I enjoyed working on his Construct. I think the 2 things, a Brand and a Construct, are similar in certain ways?? They knew him of course, way before the 3 years that I was on the scene, but they did not want him to advance, because they were comfortable with the status quo. That is normal, of course. Change can be and is often uncomfortable and disruptive and people do move away and move on. They sometimes told me that I was too good to him. I just ignored when they said such a thing, plus, aren’t they his friend? Should not they be happy that someone is good to him? I wanted him to advance. Plus, he was entering the age, where NYC starts to break many men. I did not want the city to break another man. And, believe me, I was not so good that I did not have fear of him advancing and leaving, as well. Because advancing often means one can be left behind. But, I fought that fear off, and kept working on his Brand/Construct. If from all this, he did move away or advance away. So be it, I thought. This life is cruel at times. However, I refused to act like those crabs in a barrel that pull everyone down that tries to move up. HG, The revelation that came to me this morning, and I would never have thought of such a WILD thing is this: It is possible that his Narcissism, His Survival Mechanism, liked me more than he actually naturally liked me! So he behaved oddly with me in front of his Lieutenants and they did not like the entire dynamic between him and I, although it was not the threat that they did come up with: that we would enter a formal relationship to include physical intimacy, their greatest fear. My relationship was with his Narcissism and they could not see this and neither could I, and neither could He, but this is what my and his relating and rapport was about. How so very odd! And, looking everything over, I believe this. Another mystery solved.

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