What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?

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I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?

Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).

You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.

The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.

The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.

Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.

All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.

If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.

If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.

We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.

Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.

You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.

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44 Comments

  1. I could not help but wonder if there might someday be a treatment for NPD. What do you think HG?

    1. Even if a treatment might be developed, it would need to be a one-off event, not a course of treatment and even then the problem would be getting the narcissist to submit to treatment and I would find it highly unlikely that there would ever be court-mandated treatment which would compel it. Narcissism perceives a threat to itself (because that is a threat to control which is what the narcissism exists to address) and therefore would always counter the threat. Thus the chances of it actually ever being treated are very, very low indeed.

  2. This use little off topic but couldn’t find appropriate thread. Has anyone noticed a tension in their narcs body? I suppose related to fury but not really a muscle tension. I noticed the entire 4 1/2 years mine always felt like a statue, even relaxed. He was reasonably fit even at 65 when I left, as he had been playing beach volleyball since he was very young, had good genes, and 6’’2. Not muscle bound. He was aging gracefully ($20,000 on his face helped) and carried himself well, very successful businessman so comfortable in himself. I always remember thinking he felt like the vampires were described in books, like stone, cold and hard, as if made of stone under a costume of flesh.

    1. Cyn,
      I relate to what you’re saying…my nex-BF has always been lean/physically fit (athletic), and I would describe him as having a “chiseled” look/feel to him… So that — plus the way he holds his positions — makes it seem like he could be “blinked” into a golden statue, at any moment.

      Also, when I gave him massages, he’d still seem somewhat stiff, like he couldn’t totally relax. As weird as my post is sounding (possible double entendres galore), I’ll send it anyway.😎

  3. HG .if you go to the movies , do you show emotions and fake empathy with the characters …..or do you not go the shield maiden ? Do you see or “feel”humor when watching a movie ?

          1. HG, where is the Search function on your Website? I couldn’t find it, so I used an Internet Search engine when I looked up your articles.

          2. If I answered in a narcissistic fashion I would tell you to use the search function to search for the search function.

            It depends on how you are viewing the site
            1. Some mobile viewing platforms place it at the top on the far right.
            2. Other mobile viewing platforms place it way down so you have to scroll through the posts until you reach blog stats, archives,, subscribe, recent comments and after the recent comments there is a grey bar with “search”
            3. If you are viewing on desktop it is on the right hand side after “Recent comments” and again is a grey bar with “search”.

          3. I’m using a PC. Thanks very much, I found the Search engine on your Website!

  4. Just out of my latest go around with my ex who fits into the greater classification. I’ve known for several years now what he is, but after 3 years of limited contact (mostly because he had another IPPS) he was back to attempt to destroy my life once again. My big question is…do Greater’s have periods of depression? And if so, is it due to a lack of fuel, or replacement IPPS? Or is this another game designed to draw me back in so he can ignore me and gain that fuel? Thank you for this wealth of information it is so helpful, and addicting!!

      1. This is a key point, that Greaters don’t get depressed — but that they will do some pity plays (in my experience, not even a lot of pity plays). My nex-BF twice pretended to be depressed with me, but it was blatantly obvious it was playacting– he even fake cried one time, and I remember feeling awful, because it was the only time someone was “crying” that I had an urge to laugh (which is a super confusing feeling to have, as an Empath).

        Although he doesn’t get depressed, he would get hyper, but not in an ADHD type of way…looking back, the hyperness was him getting revved up from a big fuel burst.

          1. I read it, but I understand your reply, HG, in how I worded that — my comment on Pity Plays was from my own observation, but I consider guilting an Empath (the way done to me) a form of a Pity Play, which I do understand is not technically a Pity Play.

        1. Mine did a Hoover once via his daughter through FB when after a few months away I posted a pic with someone I dated. She messaged to tell me how messed up he was and he knew right from wrong knew he made a mistake. I told her he brought it on himself and was fine but for her sake I would check. Of course he just needed to tell me he had met someone (online) and was great. Sounded happy. He also did one fake tear a month or so later, the last Hoover, telling me letting me go was his biggest mistake ever. Because of course he rewrote the story and made it his choice. It worked though because I went back lol. For 2 months. I had never seen him down or depressed. The more down I got the more revved he was, he was drawing the life out of me.

  5. I am dealing with this right now. It has been hellfire and brimstone since I have managed to escape 6 months ago from our 20 year relationship. I know he is a narcissist, and believe he is a greater. Very intelligent attorney (as am I), but hell bent on making sure that I pay, and pay dearly for leaving him. However, in his anger and malice, he is letting his mask slip, and others are starting to take notice as well. But he is also so blind in his rage against me that he is lashing out at anyone and everything that appears to now be doing him wrong or siding with me – including the Judge, and thus, he is no longer acting intelligently. Last week, he committed what I consider to be professional suicide, and lashed out in a rage-filled pleading, calling out the Judge in all kinds of colorful language. I am assuming that he will be reported, and appropriate discipline will be meted out. I don’t know how he can be so short-sided and blind with rage that he can’t see what he is doing to himself, but I guess it is a complete lack of accountability, his utterly grandiose belief in his superiority over everyone else (including the Judge), and his loss of control of me anymore (and not being able to find me or communicate with me), that is causing this downward spiral of self-destruction.

  6. Dear HG, What happens when a narc (someone between a lesser and mid-range) is clinically diagnosed as a Narcissist (but he doesn’t know what that means). During the golden phase, in passing conversation, she gets him to admit he was diagnosed as a narc, but she doesn’t fully understand what that means. She researches, but he doesn’t fit the description (provided by others, not you), and he makes her very happy, so she forgets about it. (It’s a long-distance relationship.)

    After 1 1/2 years, the golden phase ends, and he begins to devalue her. She instinctively responds by cutting off his fuel and goes nuetral, maintaining this for many months, which causes him frustration and eventually ignites his fury. Finally when he erupts in a full-blown fury, she goes No Contact and stays the course.

    She is a super empath. In the months that follow, she is confused as to why his behavior changed. She truly loves him, but painfully maintains no contact.

    Then she remembers that his therapist said he is a narc. She researches once again, finds your videos, and her eyes are opened. She now fully understands everything that happened. Her logical mind takes control. She feels set free.

    After many months of no contact, the narc contacts her by email saying he misses her. She replies with a nuetral letter reminding him that a therapist said he is a Narcissist. Then she explains in a nuetral tone exactly what that means, in short easy-to-understand terms, blunt but not in a mean manner. She ends by saying there will be no further contact, and being the strong super empath that she is, she will stick to this. (She also told him something that she did which would greatly wound him, but I can’t include that part here. Her motives for doing it were not malicious and had nothing to do with him, but I’m sure that he took it as personal. It has nothing to do with any other persons either.)

    What would his reaction to her confronting him about his condition be? He is far from her geographically, so there’s no fear of harm, etc. I can’t afford a consultation, or I would have one. I’m hoping for a reply, but either way, your videos are incredible and immensely helpful.

    ~Samantha

    1. P.S. HG, I forgot to say, my narc and I have known each other for 11 years. We lost touch with each other for many years, and when we found each other again and reconnected. He also helped me and was extremely generous with a very special project, which I recently ended. It wasn’t for financial gain, but more of a legacy for both of us. (Letting him know I ended it would have wounded him.) Thanks again for sharing your incredible expertise! Although I deeply love my narc, I will never again show it or tell him, and I will maintain no contact.

    2. Hello Samantha,

      1. Narcissists are not between Lesser and Mid Range, perhaps you mean a mixture of?
      2. There is not a no contact regime if the individual is engaging with the narcissist through email.
      3. The reply will not have greatly wounded, it will have been challenge fuel.
      4. With regard to the reaction, read No! You Are the Narcissist Parts One to Three

      1. Hello HG, Thanks so much for the replies and advice. It is much appreciated. I just finished reading the 3 articles that you recommended, and they were very helpful. Yes, I think he is a mixture of Mid Range and Lesser, or perhaps a LMRN. He’s middle-aged, extremely charming, very attractive and keeps up his appearance, but he has some serious disabilities which are real. (We both have disabilities, which is something we had in common…but him being a narc is a whole different matter.) He’s been diagnosed as a narc, so how does that play in when a therapist told him? He just didn’t know what it meant at the time. I had to reply to his email that once to let him know that I ended the project we worked on together (he asked me about it in his email to me), otherwise I would not have replied at all. But now there is no reason for me to be in touch, so I will definitely go No Contact. Thanks again. Your expertise is most helpful. Sincerely, ~Samantha

      2. Hi HG, Today I got an email from my narc that was in reply to the last email I sent him a month ago. (The very last one I sent before I went No Contact.) In my email, I mentioned what he told me a long time ago, that his therapist had diagnosed him as a “Narcissist”, and I went into a little bit of detail, but not much. (I also mentioned your name and Channel on Youtube that taught me about Narcissists.) My email wasn’t mean. It was brief, to the point, and I said I wouldn’t be having any more contact with him due to his condition and behavior.

        I had to brace myself when I read his email. He fully denied having ever been diagnosed as a Narc, and said I made it up after watching Youtube videos. Every bit of hate spewed out of him, attacking me on every level…things he never said to me before that were extremely hateful towards me. His true colors all came out! He ended his email saying he shared my email with his “current girlfriend”, which he’s never mentioned before, but I knew from your teachings that he would say these things. He said, his girlfriend didn’t know what to say after she read it. (But I’m sure in one or two years, she will ‘get it’.)

        His email wasn’t exactly hurtful, as I have purged all feelings for him from my heart. It was more of a shock even though I figured it was coming. (He’s not very smart, so I knew it would take him awhile to figure out what he would say in a reply.) His attacks and revealing of his true self just confirmed everything you’ve said. Thanks for preparing me for this.

        1. 1. You ought not to have sent him the email. That was led by emotional thinking.
          2. The fact he was able to email you and the fact that you read his email means you are not no contact.
          3. I note that you have understanding of what his response meant and that is good, you must use that understanding now and impose no contact properly.

  7. Pingback: What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist? ⋆ NarcTopia
  8. Speaking from experience here, also from a place of challenge fuel, don’t make it known, escape, then cave in to the hoover and go back just in case you were wrong.

  9. It’s genius how you divide the classifications of narcissism—it’s essential to understanding it and no one has the patent on this but you. The work is brilliance. It’s funny when I see lessers act up (as I often do due to my work) and I think of how you are able to identify their behavior as applicable to narcissism and not only this, but to break it down into a state of perfect understanding. I’ve seen absolutely nothing that does not coincide with your work or no explanation you cannot handle. Same with mid-rangers. It still cracks me up that a therapist handed me a coercion chart and thought she was the gravy on the potatoes for finding it! You are the epitome of excellence.

  10. H.G. the greater knows what he is not like lesser and mid-ranger. With your expertise and professionalism what would the Altruistic Narccist category fall in?

  11. After all the studying, listening, analyzing, comparing the multiple narcissists with the one I spent 4 1/2 years and recently escaped from (again) I am convinced he is a greater. I seemed to inadvertently moved up the ladder with my narc picks, by picking those I thought were more like myself, I picked one in particular that was just much better at it. But I gave him a run for his money, consistently wounding and challenging and therefore also drove myself into the ground. Then out the door and have vanished. I found this place far too late but better late than never.

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