A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 104
Dear Senior Master Sgt.,
I can only assume after being deleted and blocked by you on FB that you somehow feel as if your step-dad sticking up for, and asking you to be more respectful of me, is somehow an attack on you? I’m not sure why asking for respect from you makes you so incredibly angry, but each time he has asked you to be nicer to your mother, you do some sort of childish behavior like this. You’ve gotten angry, left our home early, used the silent treatment for months, molded your childhood friends into flying monkeys to do your bidding for you, pouted worse than any child, sarcastically and passive aggressively commented on posts for years, and this time, told us to “have a nice life” and deleted us off FB.
When you knew I was close to publishing my book, you hoovered, and unblocked just me, quickly sharing the link to my book on your FB page, proudly sharing my accomplishment as if it was your own. I’m not sure you even read it? And if you did, you didn’t tell me, or even let me know what you thought about it. I never heard, “great job, Mom!” or “I’m so proud of you.”
After, being added back to your FB, I watched you honor your father on Father’s Day with the clinking of two beer mugs, and a change of profile picture while you said not a word to your step dad. And we said nothing. When he was diagnosed with a brain tumor you said nothing to us, yet wrote a huge FB post about how Senator John McCain’s passing from a brain tumor affected you so deeply because he was such a great guy and you felt such sorrow for the family. And again, we said nothing.
I know you are way past the age for me to parent you and you’re so over me for some reason you can’t roll your eyes quite far enough back into your skull, but now I’d like give you some of the same “feedback” you give so liberally give to me.
You little shit. Who the hell do you think you are?
Your excuses for treating us like this have been; “I tell people like it is, it’s just how I am.” “If you want compassion and empathy, that’s what you have your husband and other son for.” You tell me I’m “Negative all the time,” or “I’m a victim and never happy,” or “My husband only agrees with me because if he doesn’t, I’ll make his life a living hell.” And my all time favorite comment was when I asked you if you talked to your father like this, you told me, “Why should I have to talk to my father like I talk to you?” And these are not things you’ve said to me on the phone. These are things you’ve said to me on Face time where you can clearly see how upset I am. See the tears flowing down my face and how what you’re saying to me is hurting me. And you know what I’ve noticed? Tears egg you on even more. The more of a reaction I give you the more you enjoy it. There’s something wrong with that.
You no longer even remotely resemble the boy I raised.
You say, “I’m stupid,” “overly-emotional,” “dramatic.” You mock me and pretend to talk like me, raising your voice like a girl to further twist your knife. You talk about your stepbrother and stepfather’s military experience as “not as hard as yours and not service that really counts as service.” “Your step-brother’s positivity gets on your nerves.” And when we discussed a dietary issue I was concerned about for a friend’s upcoming wedding, you told me that when and if you get married again, “You will eat chicken or beef at my wedding, or you can stay your ass home.”
When I finally decided the No Contact my therapist was recommending I do to protect myself because I was going crazy with pain, I turned to my blog for an outlet. You sent a huge email making fun of me, and a blog post I wrote about feeling suicidal for the first time in my life. You wrote, “It was quite ridiculous,” “immature,” and “dramatic,” to delete you and anyone associated with you from my FB. You said how angry it made you feel and even accused me of libel.
Your inability to see me, and others, as human, with needs, feelings and imperfections, cuts me to my core. I did not raise you to be this way. When I cried in therapy asking what I did wrong, the therapist said I was a sitting duck for more of your abuse if that’s what I thought. It was there I learned that not all narcissists are abused. Some are created in the military.
Your excuse of a bad memory, and not remembering what you say and do isn’t cutting it with me anymore. How can you not remember saying some of the atrocious things you’ve said to your own mother? You have made it clear that our relationship is over if I expect to be treated with respect. You have made it clear that you will not tolerate a ‘no dumping ground’ sign in an area you wish to shit. You’ve all but said I am not loveable. You’ve warned, that this No Contact with you has “second and third generation consequences.” I get it. If I ever expect to see my future grandchildren, I won’t because I refuse to take your abuse. And I simply do not care.
You did say the last time we talked that you were who you were because of me first, then the military. You said, “We’ll always butt heads because I can’t handle the truth.” But, I can not only handle it, I can say that shit out loud. You are who you are at your core because of me, but it’s because of the military that you’ve become hardened, detached and difficult to reach. You’ve removed yourself from our family, gravitating toward your father’s side and that’s fine. I get that too. You are comfortable abusing me, and terrified to let your father know how he made you feel as a kid. He puts you on the pedestal that you crave. It’s because of that hardness that it’s you that can’t handle the truth. You’re much more fragile than you’d like to admit and your tough, untouchable exterior is a façade. I know that because I am your mother.
You freely hand out your feedback to people in your life, yet tell me it’s me who is toxic to be around. You tell them how you think they should be living, as though you have it all figured out, but no one has the liberty to do that to you in return? You wouldn’t even hear me respond to your accusations on Face time without talking over me and running me into the ground with your soapbox, Tony Robbins lecture. Your nose in constant reading of leadership books. But, you’d do better to read something that dealt with learning to have some compassion and empathy for others, as you lead.
I am sick to death of your disrespect, your mouth and your behavior. It’s been six months of no contact and I have been feeling so much better. For the first time in a long time, I am finally walking straighter and taller. At fifty-one, I no longer have to feel worried that I will do or say the wrong thing and get pounced on and punished for it like I’m the child.
Oh, and I got your Save the Date for your wedding. We will not attend. I will not eat what the fuck you serve. I will instead do as you say and stay my ass home.
Yesterday was your birthday. You are thirty-three years old and you act like you’re seven. It was a sad day for me. Not because I miss your abuse, but because if someone would have told me this is what our relationship would come to after growing up together and being close all your life, I would have told them they were lying.
Mother’s Day is tomorrow. I brought you home on Mother’s Day from the hospital after giving birth to you. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was so nervous. I didn’t want to do anything wrong. But, the day felt like a gift. A gift I was given, to help me do the very best I knew how to do for eighteen years.
Now. You look down your nose from your fast-tracking military perch and snub your nose up at the very people who put you there. When I said I’d love to have a talk with your superiors about how narcissistic you’ve become, you said, “They gave you the confidence to say no, and to tell people you love they are wrong.”
You’re right. I’m wrong for everything, and I’ve never been happier.
Happy Birthday, Son… I mean, Happy Birthday, Senior Master Sgt!
Love, Mom
52 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 104”
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Everything about this letter is wrong. From the mums’ reaction to the sons. And even to the frankly ludicrous comments above.
Fam? WTAF???
There is a stunning lack of empathy shown in the mums response. Stunning.
I am also conflicted on this one. While I understand the idea of “Letter to the Narcissist” being a “safe space,” the overall tone of this letter to a son feels harsh to me. I have many questions….
Dear RD. I understand and my heart goes out to you. It was only after my golden period ended with my beautiful child, that her father and sibling lamented, “you finally understand, Mum”. In the life of a narcissistic child, there is not only one victim and I’m certain your son was cruel to many. In hindsight, we can all point to environmental factors which may have brought about this sad demise – but please all know that these children have often been raised in the most loving, giving, normal, supportive families where they were treasured and valued. Best wishes with your healing.
Whoa! I can relate somewhat. I feel your pain (and yes, it IS pain when it is your child). I wish you well….
My sister has a narcissist son in the military. He doesn’t effect me because I ignore his existence for the most part. My sister is a wonderful, loving mother and grandmother, whose grandchildren adore her but her son withholds them from her. It’s heartbreaking to watch my sister long for her grandchildren. But even she has stopped asking to see them because she won’t subject herself to her own son’s cold cruelty. His behavior is unprovoked. He’s just an asshole.
Kelly your sisters son, has he always been a narcissist? I only ask because I thought that narcissists developed in early childhood, is this correct HG? It seems as the women in letter blames the military for her sons narcissistic behavior? Or is he a narcissist? Maybe that’s where some of the confusion lies, they have very huge amounts of narcissistic traits?
Correct.
Sometimes I retain more then I think I do HG. I just always like to double check with you before I assume something incorrectly. Thank you.
FM1T, he was always a narcissist. I’m not suggesting the military made him that way, I think for him it just fed his grandiose view of himself. Power, if you will. He always fancied himself a future world leader lol. He thinks he’s untouchable. Not sure where it came from. Maybe he was too spoiled? Too loved?
Thanks Kel for answering. I would think the military would be full of narcissists, as I’m sure some of the best military leaders were probably narcissists.
No such thing as ‘too loved’ It is impossible to love someone too much. Spoil them, act out guilt posturing as love, yes, but then that is not love is it?
You’e read that somewhere…
SPE, I was being a little sarcastic when I said “too loved”. I mean, my sister couldn’t have loved him more. He just walks away from people. He has kids with three with different women. Two ex-wives and on his third. He barely sees his kids. He’s only 30.
There is common-sensical evidence that if the father is not present at a child’s birth, the child bonds with the bright white lights and the doctor, making them more military minded. It is better a child is foremost a ‘wanted’ child, and that the father is there to bond with the child for the male side of the coin. Many problems are created by a child not having the best start in life. Add to it the barbaric practice of circumcision where the poor wee infant has it’s penis fucked with the moment it enters this world. 100 thousand nerve endings fucked with as introduction to life on earth. The parents willingly hand the child over to be cut, that little boy then does not trust his parents to protect him, care for him and that fucks things up enormously too. All happening on such deep levels, healing these traumas is near impossible. The fucked-upness acts out through out the boys life, into his manhood. We can fix this basic barbarity and a lot of folks are, making men more able to develop as humans with a good foundation, a better one given all the rest of the crap going on on this planet we all try and cope with.
Circumcision does seem a cruel and unnecessary welcome into the world when you think about it. Having said that – it does make it look a little more upbeat than the sad snuffaluffagus trunk (that let’s face it (ha!) needs all the help it can get), and may just have been considered fair trade for women having to suffer through childbirth at the time. I’m going to look into this. Not the trunk – the origin of the practice.
I’m back.
Well it appears to have started with the Jewish religion. I guess it’s no surprise then as I have some jewish female acquaintances who would never deign to go “looking under the hood”.
But seriously it does seem like widely accepted child abuse as it’s really not necessary.
The damage it does is pretty much forever. We cant blame men for being ‘dick heads’ when we consent to have them mutilated on their most sensiive parts for ‘looks’ (anyway an erect one looks exact same) or for so called cleanliness. That whole ‘dirty’ thing is a bunch of garbage that harms farrrrr more than it helps anyone at all.
Wow.. This letter really resonated with me.. I am speechless right now..
I am so very sorry that it does. I understand why it does and I feel your pain x
Try to focus on the point that this letter is giving two narratives; two voices.
We are clearly reading the very vocal narrative of someone who ‘claims’ to be a female who has given birth to a narc son.
Secondly we are presented with the much attenuated voice of the son. However, as others’ have said, we simply do not know what the sons’ take on this is. Sure, he is displaying narc traits (or as such disseminated via the mouthpiece of his mother) but does he really have the behaviours?
Point is, we cannot really be sure what has happened here but I know what my money is on.
This does not help you really. Is it worth you writing your own letter?
Ouch! I have 2 sons, both Marines, who have always been respectful and loving especially to me! This article made me hurt inside as I simply cannot imagine writing such a letter to one of my sons – such dislike, disrespect…hell loathing!!! HG you literally placed me at a table with pen and paper at hand…tears blinding my vision!
This is a very sad letter, and as much as I would love to side with the Mother on this one, I just cannot bring myself to do it. There are so many unanswered questions that this letter left me with. I’m not sure if it is the knowledge that I have learned from HG, or if it is a Mother’s instinct? I just really question who the real narcissist is in this one? I don’t mean to offend anyone with this comment.
FM1T
I did not like reading this letter, period!
It took me till today to actually read it, i have felt “avoidance” from the moment I saw it published.
I would like to hear the sons side of the story.
All I can say is that I’d like to hear your son’s side of the story.
I did expect someone to make this point, Sisty.
Well reading and reading and reading your billions of repetitive, whiny, full of magniloquence, ostentatious posts where you talk endless shit about your mom, I feel like I already know your pov. This note does not match the bitch you wrote. This woman has compassion and soul, Hey maybe it is YOU hahaha, although not funny for anyone in your cross hairs. You are getting married? Yikes!
1. There are not billions of posts.
2. Neither do my posts merit the adjectives you use.
3. “This note does not match the bitch you wrote.” What does that actually mean?
4. No, it is not me. This is a letter from a reader to somebody else, therefore its content is inapplicable to me.
#4 Okay I am an idiot. I thought this was your ma writing the letter. #2 I do think my adjectives are merited, my opinion. As for #3 wtf am I talking about? I dont know what I meant there, probably writing in the middle of the night, half asleep, in the dark, like I am now. I dont know what I meant to say. #1 Gawd ya do so write a billion posts repost a billion times Okay you dont actually write a billion posts but you repost and repost and repost and repost and repost and repost and repost, catch my drift? . I had to shut down my whatever that is where I get your activity showing up on fb, twitter,here. You post repost wayyyyyy too much in my opinion. My opinion, am entitled to it eh?
You are although it is ill-founded.
Here’s a thought – you do not have to read it.
Oh really? I dont have to read it? I dont read your endless posts anymore (maybe I read/watched your videos for like 2 weeks or less until they came at me like vomit spewing with the same ornamental speech) but heyyyy thanks for the tip. PS I ought not name call myself, it is a shitty position to take. I retract that statement.
Oh now I get what I meant for #3. I was saying this author’s letter does not match the bitch you presented in your own writing and then I say because this woman has compassion etc and the mom you have written about has zero. Again, I apologize, thought this was your mother writing but it is not so I dont know what I am talking about here.
Ok. Here’s my take on this.
You [think] you are calling HG out on some ‘illusory’ misdemeanor. Which is baffling in itself as the OP is clearly an American with little to know awareness of tone and inflection. I’m very sure he could write something that sounds like a rabid soccer mum who hasn’t ‘gotten laid’ in eleventy billion years. And somebody pinched her bagel.
Quite why he would write it is still utterly baffling.
Your post on the other hand is super intriguing. What I actually read in your response is this. ‘Bitch bitch whine bitch. I’m stupid. Bitch. It’s dark. And bitch.
Bitch.
I have to ask. Do you know any other words?
Enteratined me, Renarde.
I thank you.
“Enteratined me, Renarde.” Oh brother, this would. Personally I found it bullying and therefore unreadable, what did it say?
Sisty
Thank you for that. I would like to hear the son’s side also but was reluctant to raise the issue.
This comment seems funny coming from you. The little amount of my time I have spent here you are seemingly on every post so I would gather you already read the hoards of shit he has written on his mom, soooo…. you have his side. Why would you be reluctant to raise the issue for the big bad wolf (not really though eh?) I dont get that either.
Superpoweremotion
Who do you believe wrote this letter and to which son are you speaking they wrote about?
Well that makes two of us because I don’t get your comment. At all.
Oh I think I do.
Measured response, as always NA
Superpoweremotion
Are you perhaps the author of the letter?
I’m wondering because HG anonymized my own. I was surprised about this at first and then welcomed it because it offered protection from comments that might have been upsetting. There weren’t any upsetting ones, and I did answer everyone all the same (it’s letter no 100).
If you’re not the author it does seem to me that you identify with RD strongly. I send virtual hugs and hope that you will share your story.
All best,
LC
Nah fam, I didnt write this letter. I dont identify with the author, I am sorry but I dont really care. I understand how relationships toxify and the pain therein. I thought this was HG’s ma so I had the wrong perspective. I was mostly responding to people saying they wanted to hear the son’s pov and I thought the son was HG who has ragged on his ma a lot. (Based on the little time I spent here reading his chit) I was wrong so I apologize. I am glad you found a forum to express your experience and HG anonymized it for your own protection. Hey maybe one day I will write down a story or two of the lying, cheating, heartbreaking douche bags I used to attract to me and not have a clue about, I doubt it though. Best to you too!
Superpoweremotion
Ah okay, thanks for your answer! You had me confused – cos you fly in on a superpower misunderstanding and introduce yourself with a lot of criticisms, but now the fog is lifting 🙂
I have not subscribed to any of HGs social media sites, and not even the blog, because it gets too much for me as well, I just open the site when I want to and close it when I’ve had enough. I’ve got used to the reposted articles – it keeps the discussion in flow, not every article resonates with me the first time but does at a later stage, and as far as I’m aware the site attracts new readers such as yourself every day. Blogs die when they’re not updated regularly, and this one’s here to stay …
I’d be curious to hear what brings you here and why you chose this story to comment. Because you were being emotional about it, that’s why I’m asking. No need to answer though if you don’t want to obviously, I’m just curious!
Thanks LC, saved me explaining why posts are re-posted.
*insert Michael Jackson eating popcorn GIF here*
*insert Michael Jackson eating popcorn GIF here*
Haha no, I have a hunch that superpoweremotion is a good one even if she comes in with bitchtalk and all that.
I have to say it was a kind of revelation to read the comments under the old cookie jar article that came up in another thread yesterday. Sometimes new readers come in and the crowd already expects the worst – that can be a bit off putting I think and also provoking the worst in some people. Especially when you think that new readers come here in bleak and dark phases of their lives. I think lashing out is part of that phase for some people and it stops eventually.
Well… I know that’s Carrier and Saviour talk – we’ll see what happens 🙂
LC – hehe you are probably right. I was just being silly to lighten the mood as it seemed to be getting a little heated over here 🙂
Posting an old blog once an hour is keeping your posts alive all right! Once an hour, that is pretty funny stuff! 🙂 Not even the Catholic church ‘saves’ people that often! Is it bitch talk to say that MJ gif with popcorn is overused, tired and uninteresting? Seems like the minute someone has an opinion that is not let’s say ass-licking-cheerlead-y there is an uproar (I dont mind an uproar, at least people are emoting-ish) peoples feathers get ruffled and annoyed, bothered, scared even. I didnt call anyone names (except myself and I retracted that) I stated my opinion with passion yes, humor too, but I am pretty sure I was not a bitch. Then again, define bitch.
NA & Sisty
I was also reluctant to comment, still am, because the subject is so emotional and it is likely that I’ll be misunderstood, but here I am, commenting all the same.
What I picked up on is this here:
“I didn’t want to do anything wrong.”
RD uses this sentence to describe her feelings when her son was born.
This is the self-flagellating trait that many of us CoD mothers share. And she describes her son as a gift for her – a gift to get things right – on the day he was born.
“A gift I was given, to help me do the very best I knew how to do for eighteen years.”
I don’t know RD, and I may well get it wrong, but I recognise some of the well meaning CoD traits in her writing, traits that are in fact damaging to a child.
I know about myself that I loved my children more than anything and more than my own life – and that they gave me an incentive to get things right for them. I too was so afraid of getting things wrong, not least because I had no mother who was maternal and who could have been my example. This meant that my children suffered too.
When RD writes that her son was her gift to get things right for 18 years when on the day he was born she was afraid of getting it wrong – this is not only a twisted declaration of love but it is also a statement that indicates that the son was her purpose in life, her reason to be. Her reason to breathe. RD also describes how she was close to her boy for 18 years and does not recognise him.
If I’m right about this then this means that a heavy burden rested on a small child – the child needed to mirror to his mum that she was not so bad as she believed herself to be. It is too much to do for a child, it is a role reversal: in a normal, healthy relationship the mother mirrors to the child that he is quite alright, not the other way around.
I’m upset about the things RD writes about her therapy. It does not sound as if it was a good and sound partnership – one in which RD understood more about her own role or in which sound advice was given. If it had been a good partnership RD would be unable to describe her own son whom she claims to have been close to for an entirety of 18 years as a “shit” and not question her own role in a public letter such as this one. If it had been a good partnership RD might have understood what No Contact is about as well.
“When I finally decided the No Contact my therapist was recommending I do to protect myself because I was going crazy with pain, I turned to my blog for an outlet. You sent a huge email making fun of me”
Blogging about one’s suicidal thoughts that arise from difficulties with one’s child is not “no contact”. Blogging is an invitation for comments – comments from anybody who cares to read one’s thoughts.
RD doesn’t write much about her son’s father and why the relationship with him came to an end. She does write that her boy’s stepdad was in the military too.
I don’t like the blameshift I’m reading about here – it was the military that made him so – especially when RD saw a therapist.
I was reluctant to raise these points but I’m prepared to deal with the fallout.
LC
You’ve laid out points and your thoughts on them well as usual. I was neutral when I started reading the letter but as it progressed I found I had many questions. I did not doubt that the person writing it felt these things but I wondered if they just didn’t get across as they intended or if having the other side if the story might clarify some things. All I know is that I wanted to read the other side and I don’t normally have that reaction when reading the letters. There were many red flags (or at least my feeling of them – there certainly were many questions). A big one was the repeated mention and involvement of the Stepfather. The writer seemed insulted on his behalf and almost adamant that the son consider and respect him and his advocating for the mother. It felt to me just reading it that the Stepfather is forced on the son. Also the mention of the son’s assertion that if he (the stepfather) did not do so (on the mother’s behalf) that she would make his (the stepfather’s) life a living hell.I’m not saying that the son did not display narcissistic behaviour through her descriptions or that she feels this way, but I was left with the impression that without hearing his side that her lens may be distorted.
Hmmm. Yep.
I find this very sad having a child that is a narcissist would be unbearable ♥️
Yep those military people are most definitely narcissist I live with one for almost 30 years you did the right thing goso hard to say but much harder to do …rest assured you did the right thing
Oh wow! That drew instant tears at the end. No contact with a child doesn’t sound like a good time. Painful to think about.