The 5 Reasons The Narcissist Devalues You
You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster. You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate. It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise. Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth). I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you. These false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be disengaged from. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.
- Stale
The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling. Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters. This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.
- Disobedience
Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play. Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation. You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.
- See Through
If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications. You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery. We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.
- The Hoover Opportunity
This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been dis-engaged from and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with. The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option. This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being dis-engaged from.
A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.
- Total Control
You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.
How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.
23 thoughts on “The 5 Reasons The Narcissist Devalues You”
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I often felt I was being devalued just so he could get relief from having had to be nice to other people. It put a strain on him to have to be nice. It seemed like he viewed it as having to suck up, meaning he was not in absolute control. He could come home and feel all dominant after ripping me to shreds and pounding on me for a while. I pointed out to him that destroying me didn’t change squat about his position with them.
Narcs are easy to spot.
They are usually physically attractive.
They may have wealth of a self-made type, but usually an inherited one.
They are charming, but not in a personal way – wanting to be near them is what they rely on.
They have plenty of attention without being especially clever or kind.
This is the tell.
They enjoy favor without having earned it.
I find it amusing to spot a narc, give it fuel (they are just things, after all – it’s only fair), all the while observing the fuel others give it, and then refine that formula while concealing my true intentions. MY intentions are to give the narc just enough of an effective fuel with a select amount of impurities that cause it to misfire, then I adjust it to lessen, but not eliminate incomplete combustion. This puts the narc at a disadvantage, especially if the fuel is gleefully given, with the veneer of ‘good intentions’. The anticipated devaluation is absorbed with no injury, but injury is easily feigned, and must likewise be delivered as yet more contaminated fuel. As I observe the narc trying desperately to put me together, I offer only friendship and flattery, waiting for the moment to viciously stab at the weakest chink in its armor, usually in a group setting, where all who have been taken in (or as many as I can gather in one place) are ripped away in an instant of communal realization. The narc loses its power all at once, lashing out violently even toward those who remain loyal, transforming its few remaining allies into adversaries.
Narcissists can never be destroyed. They can only be flipped. Only through the systematic disintegration of their source of power can they be turned out.
I know.
I was one.
Narcs are easy to spot.
They are usually physically attractive.
They may have wealth of a self-made type, but usually an inherited one.
They are charming, but not in a personal way – wanting to be near them is what they rely on.
They have plenty of attention without being especially clever or kind.
This is the tell.
They enjoy favor without having earned it.
I find it amusing to spot a narc, give it fuel (they are just things, after all – it’s only fair), all the while observing the fuel others give it, and then refine that formula while concealing my true intentions. MY intentions are to give the narc just enough of an effective fuel with a select amount of impurities that cause it to misfire, then I adjust it to lessen, but not eliminate incomplete combustion. This puts the narc at a disadvantage, especially if the fuel is gleefully given, with the veneer of ‘good intentions’. The anticipated devaluation is absorbed with no injury, but injury is easily feigned, and must likewise be delivered as yet more contaminated fuel. As I observe the narc trying desperately to put me together, I offer only friendship and flattery, waiting for the moment to viciously stab at the weakest chink in its armor, usually in a group setting, where all who have been taken in (or as many as I can gather in one place) are ripped away in an instant of communal realization. The narc loses its power all at once, lashing out violently even toward those who remain loyal, transforming its few remaining allies into adversaries.
Narcissists can never be destroyed. They can only move on or be flipped. Only through the systematic disintegration of their source of power can they be turned out.
I know.
I was one.
I need more elaboration of #5.
Specifically …
“You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special.”
If corrective devaluations are issued (and believe me I’ve had plenty) and we relent with whatever irritation and challenges we give you (for example if it makes the argument worse to the point of anxiety where I back down from aforementioned challenge) then even though I’ve called off my fight it doesn’t matter? This makes no sense to me. If I’m doing what he wants (backing off) then I’m still getting devalued anyway? But if I don’t do what he wants (challenge him) I’m also getting devalued.
Case in point…
Him: “are you accusing me of lying to you?”
Me: “ I prefer not to accuse unless I have all the facts”
(Pause)
Him: “okay. I need a break from you, please don’t reach out to me for awhile”
Me: “ I thought you said you didn’t want a break last time we went through this”
Him: “ unless you can tell me that you’re not accusing me of lying I will want a break from you…”
Me: (backs off with the challenging)
Him: … Still institutes a break anyway.
If we acquiesce and give you what you want… It doesn’t matter because you don’t really want that? Yet instinctively you still do? That makes no fucking sense. What, exactly, does he want then?
He will never be okay with me no matter what I do.
With regard to a Corrective Devaluation if you back down, control is asserted and the specific Corrective Devaluation will cease. Viewing as no longer special is separate from the devaluing behaviour.
SF, “He will never be okay with me no matter what I do.” #truth #logic
Let the logic gain momentum. Make the “break from you” permanent. Jump shelf while he isn’t looking. The joke will be on him when he returns to your empty compartment and your number is no longer in service.
Well stated, MB.
Thank you HG.
I jumped shelf in February. I imagined him picking up the box where I used to be and shaking it only to find it empty this time. (Visualizing the giant at the top of the beanstalk duped by the lowly appliance.)
MB….
Before I challenged him on his bullshit we used to have phone time every Thursday. Sometimes it addition to that we’d have phone time on Wednesday or Friday too. But the Thursday was usually always fluid.
He didn’t flat out say that he needed space. He said that he didn’t want to be intimate with me anymore and did not want to make plans with me anymore but that we would still talk on the phone
The last two Thursdays have been silent. Last week I got some half assed text that said “I love you I miss you and I’m thinking of you sorry I couldn’t call”. I just replied “okay”.
I won’t lie, when yesterday came and went it without hearing from him, it was difficult for me. I cried myself to sleep last night. I don’t know if I’ll even get another half assed apology text.
I guess the Thursday phone time is also being taken away now too. Whatever. It fucking hurts.
SF, I know it hurts sweetie. It’s more painful than anybody that hasn’t been through it could ever imagine. taking away phone time is nothing to do with you accusing him of lying. You are playing right into his plan though by assuming it is your fault. You cannot bring influence to bear on the narcissist. He does what he wants when he wants. I promise you this. If you block his number and block him on Facebook, your power will begin to return. Take it one day at a time. Purge the addiction. It’s the only way you can hurt less. Know that I’m thinking of you. Know that I’m rooting for you. Chin up. Hold your head high. You’re the one in control now.
MB,
After I challenged him he said that if I could not trust him then he needed a break from me.
I backed down from my challenge and he said he still wanted a break from seeing me (“I do not want to make plans with you for awhile”. “How long is awhile?” “I do not know, but please do not try and make plans with me”. etc. etc. throw something in there about how he always “gives into me intimately against his better judgment” therefore no plans please).
BUT…. “we can still talk on the phone, I will still call you”. Yeah….nope. Blew me off last week with a lame half assed apology. Yesterday? Blew me off again, no text this time.
“taking away phone time is nothing to do with you accusing him of lying.”
It sure seems like it has something to do with it! I feel like I am being punished for challenging him.
“You are playing right into his plan though by assuming it is your fault”
Yeah pretty much. End result is still the same. Blown off phone calls and silence.
Just LEAVE him!! He’s making you so miserable. No one is worth that.
SF
Why do you place your value so low?
Until you bite the bullet, go through the fire you will never be rid of him. He will always control you and you will always be miserable. Is this really the life you desire? The life you are leading as an example for your children?
MB your words “Let the logic gain momentum” – brilliantly put, I loved it 🙂
Hg, can you explain 3. further? You said most Ns work instinctively. If they see you working them out and you need a corrective devaluation, doesnt that imply they know something about themselves and who they?
The narcissist witnesses you “working the narcissist out” and sees this as a threat to their control. They do not actually realise you are working out what they are, they see a particular set of behaviours which unconsciously threatens their control. So, an analogy might be you see a person removing items from your house, you can see them picking up the television, iPad and jewellery and taking them outside to a waiting van. You do not realise this is a burglary (I know you would, but let us say you do not for the sake of this example!) but you instinctively recognise you need to do something to stop the removal of your items. Thus, you see a behaviour, recognise it is contrary to your interests but you do not actually know what it is.
The narcissist who operates through instinct is the same. He sees the behaviour, does not know what it actually is, but recognises that there is an issue here and therefore instinctively responds to correct it. Indeed, the narcissist will label it as something else, so he would not say “You are working out what I am” but rather would say “You don´t love me like you used to.”
And yet if we tried to point this out to you (that we still love you like we used to and we just want the goddamn truth about what we are asking) you would just issue more corrective devaluations? Or become a ghost and disappear?
If you demand the truth you are issuing Challenge Fuel. Your challenge has to be put down, thus you receive a Corrective Devaluation, a silent treatment may be one of those CDs.
Yup. I have this problem with female Ns. I think this is what the ‘look in their eyes’ I’ve previously referred to is and made me wonder whether I was an N (because I’d thought Ns could recognise other Ns, I now realise that’s a load of bollocks and it is only greaters who can). I had incorrectly perceived it as they thought I was the same as them etc It’s just a certain type of female N and I’m not exactly sure which type of N yet – other than they’re extremely attention seeking in a very overt manner.
But now, particularly after reading this comment (thanks HG), it’s fallen into place. this is them realising ‘I don’t like them’, perhaps I haven’t praised them and expressed my adoration of them etc etc
Thank you for this reasoning. I too have had some confusion about how a narc “works us out,” seeing as it is instinctual.
HG, in an early stage relationship, if a narc senses us “working him out,” or senses that an appliance will be difficult to manipulate, will he back off and cut his losses?
Most will move on to an easier target, higher echelon would apply more effort for a period of time, but ultimately fuel governs the “stickability”. The reality is few work us out and the early stages.
Truth. Ok, thanks HG.
I’ve seen this too a few times, not in myself but only what I can describe is a seduction Hoover with a ‘failure to launch’. A true ghost, not a test. Women are left upset and baffled.
Everyone says he’s just a dick, a tosser. On it goes.