5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist
Five reasons it cannot work
1. Nothing about the golden period is real
It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.
2. Nothing is ever good enough
How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.
3. Nothing stops the games being played
The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.
4. Nothing surpasses fuel
Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.
5. Nothing will ever change.
There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.
Besides, I am terrified of change.
29 thoughts on “5 Reasons It Cannot Work With A Narcissist”
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Mine said to me, “You always tell me how wonderful and great I am. But you need to truly look in the mirror. You’re a beautiful woman, beautiful eyes, great personality, intelligent, and beautiful body. I am a mess. A true mess.” And he also said , “Any man that experiences real true love is the luckiest man.” They really do tell on themselves and provide us with hints about who they are and their actions. So sad. I told him I wanted to switch brains w him for a day and he said “No you don’t, you’re a good crazy person”
He told me once “I’m not who you think I am” I didn’t understand it then but I do now…
Isn’t it amazing how looking back we now understand why they said the crazy things. Unfortunately, I still miss him but I have to keep no contact or he will suck me back in.
Two sensible points.
I love when you give us your fears
Amen
My analysis, not a criticism: you follow the pattern given by your mother. So she is superman and she has absolute power and control over you. She pulls the strings because you do it to people she has taught you. She is the pattern that you still have to duplicate. Do you ever want to leave this bondage and be yourself, be free? Apply all your advice to yourself to get away from your mother 🙂
I have very little to do with her. I am already myself. She’s does not pull the strings, I am what I am not entirely because of what she taught me, I am what I am because of genetics and the response to the environment I was raise in.
Is your emotional response to it still relevant? I read how you reacted to her short critical letter – it was a full emotional response and a rebound on many people at work. This impulse plus emotions plus action = her dominion over you. We’re not just genetics and schematics. Yes, the patterns are in our subconscious mind and control us. To be free is to give up schemes and programs from the subconscious. Above are the other levels available – e.g. intuition. Highly developed people use intuition and abandon patterns – that’s how superman does 🙂
HG I believe this to be true. I have a raging Narcissist mother (who I finally cut out of my life 23 years ago) and I am a Super Empath. I believe my father was also a Narcissist but he disappeared permanently when I was 3 and the anecdotal information I have about him is unreliable. I believe I did not get the right set of genes to be a Narcissist.
Not that being a Super Empath is much to brag about. It has probably hurt me more than it’s helped me overall.
All in the same Mr.H I’m am glad you are happy with who you are. It’s called conditioned. I’m glad who you are as well because believe it or not you are a chosen one to help the Empaths! Like it or not….. Under his 👁
Mija
I think with a dynamic like a narcisstic mother and her narcisstic child, it gets quite difficult to differentiate nature from nurture. HG for example is not really duplicating his mothers behavioural patterns, but has far surpassed them in terms of level of control and sophistication. They are similar only in terms of what is at the core of their patterns (the narcissism) other than that, HG is his own man. Even I often got told that I have “inherited” some of my mothers traits, although I am an empath and she is the narcissist. Since I don’t have the genetic predisposition, it stands to reason that this is either a learned behaviour on my part, likely a diffierent kind of self-defense mechanism, or people that are related to each other can share certain traits despite not sharing certain predispositions. Fascinating topic to think about.
Hi, Desiree 🙂
I was in a relationship with 2 narcissists. I noticed their relationship with their mothers, their dependence on their mothers as a reproduction of their pattern of abuse, coldness and seduction, and constant bonding. Behind this is a drunk but hidden hatred for these mothers. And to yourself, of course also to all people. HG explains this phenomenon to me even more. I read HG and see it this way: his words and actions are like the words and actions of his mother, and his victims are himself repeatedly taken by his mother into seduction, devaluation and rejection. Of course, HG refines this, but this is just schema replication. I transcend the schemes inserted by my narcissistic mother myself. I kicked out of my life. With a great long scream of hate.
Thank you, Sir. Knowing you are “terrified of change” nuances your omnipotence and the abyssal dread brought by understanding what your kind is about.
HG
This is one of the best pieces of writing that I have ever read.
It’s a seminal piece for understanding the N/E dynamic.
It’s a preeminent piece for understanding NPD.
It’s flawless.
The new header artwork made me smile.
The impossible balancing act…the painful fall inevitable.
I am still quite fond of creepy, cracked, emotionally vacant dollface, from YouTube, however.
It’s an unforgettable image.
She’s the poster-girl for female Narcdom.
She’s not going into early retirement, is she?
Onto the old appliance scrapheap?
Please, no.
Thank you.
Hg, is it narcissistic of victims to think they really are the special, different, perfect soulmate of the narc?
Thinking in such terms is a corruption of the empathic love devotee trait and the narcissist traits of pride and being special.
I dunno, HG. As empathic and compliant as I am to the Narc, I think he’s lucky to have me, lucky I talk to him at all. He’s a fool, but also, that will never change.
I’ll never be enough or loved.
But I know I am more than worthy. I just dont have anything better at the moment 😂😂
I can see Ashley’s point of view. Empaths can have prideful traits.
Great question and answer Ash and HG.
My ex fiancé used to claim we were twins when I was still in the golden period.
So wrong of him on many levels
My last (and hopefully final!) Narcissist told me “You’re a giver and I’m a taker and that’s why we fit together so well.”😳
I am terrified of change you damn right you all are nothing will ever change…that is for damn sure
I’m loving the elephant pic, HG!
Fun, isn’t it MB?
Are you getting the distortion of the the border of the image as a result of the bowing of the trees? I’m seeing it on my phone, like the the borders of the image are bowing out.
Funky visual illusion.
Is a narcissist fearful of death? After all, that is the true “change” into nothingness.
Some fear the act of being killed or dying, others fear the fact of no longer remaining.
The spirit world is full of mean energy sucking pranksters and malevolent spirits that continue on hurting the living ….in another realm . All the Ghost shows are showing it with their spirit detecting equipment on the travel channel.