A Letter to the Narcissist – No.110
My love,
I still love you. No matter how awful you are, I never give up. You are convinced that it is you who are wronged by me. You see me as a weight around your neck. You do not see the things you have done to me as wrong. You justifiy them with real and imagined reasons. Things that can not be perceived as anything but wrong, you deny doing all together, or change the event to occur in a way it had not to alleviate any guilt from you.
When I met you, I was independant, and moving up in my career. I was a force to reckon with. I was lonely, but happy. You saw a weakness. You saw that I do not know how to be single and alone. You saw my fear of abandonement, and exploited it. Recently you admitted that you make it where I need you and can not live without you on purpose, and make sure you can live without me. If that is not direct and to the point nothing will be.
When my brother died, you laughed and told me I did not have a protector anymore. You gloated that no one would make you suffer any consequences for my treatment with him now gone. Then you watched as my connection to my family disintegrated from years of scapegoat abuse, and gloated that you are the only one there for me. No one will ever be there for me like you? My mother’s death signled my full isolation. I am alone with only you to turn to.
You have me completely dependant on you. When our son passed away, I pulled away from the world. I shut myself away and did not want to deal with reality. I did not realize at the time I had handed you the keys to control every part of my life. Now you sabotage any attempts to be independant or break free. Any job I take you refuse to give me a ride, or create an issue with the employer. Your favorite reason to make me quit a job is because it is too far to drive. It inconveniences you.
Now, I am a shadow of who I was. I have no one in my life but you. I have nothing in my life that does not belong to you. I feel like I am nothing, and if I stopped breathig no one would care or notice. That feeling was confirmed when you beat me a week ago. You had struck me before but never beat me. This time you kicked the shit out of me. I contacted the authorities. The officers said they would pay for a room for the night since I had no family. When they dropped me at the hotel, I was covered in your drink and my blood.
The people in the lobby stared and whispered as I physically shook. When it was finally my turn at the front desk, there was no room reserved for like the officers said would be. I provided the officers´card to the desk and they called. Dispatch responded and had no knowledge of this agreement. I got a ride back home. I think the people there thought I was homeless. they snickered and made snide remarks. The humiliation was too much.
The people in your life that knew what you had done only asked me if I told the police you hit me. No one asked if I was okay. No one cared when my face blew up three times the size it should from a tooth cracked and abscessed from the beating. Not a soul.
How pleased with yourself you must be. You can do whatever you want to me, and I can do nothing. I am no one, and no one cares.
Well, I will escape one day. I will escape either on my feet or in a box. I hope it will be on my feet. I intend to fight back. I will not go down with out a fight. So ready yourself.
Love,
No one.
31 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No.110”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
This hurts…
Oracle, your situation is what Angel Assistance is for. HG will find solutions to even these most complex quagmires. I hope you’ve applied to the fund for bespoke assistance or already received it. Please don’t give up. You deserve freedom.
Readers, if her story speaks to you, donate to the fund. It is to help Oracle and the others like her. Your assistance is needed. I’m looking forward to the day when Oracle posts here as a F.R.E.E. Hang in there. We are fighting for you. You are not alone. ❤️
💕😥
thank you so much. it means more to me than you know to have cheerleaders. today is hard. it helps me keep my resolve. M.
Thank you so much. It means a great deal for you to say that. I intend to do just that MB.
Hello No-one,
I was touched by your letter. It is painful to read about all that you are going through.
He found a weakness -your fear of abandonment- to use to his own benefit and prevent you from leaving him. It was despicable of him to laugh and tell you did not have a protector anymore when your brother died. I personally find it disturbing when I see people grinning at me after learning about a misfortune. Narcissistic people take pleasure from it. This is called ‘Schadenfreude’.
He is not as strong as he pretends to be. He uses violence to control women. He was not able to feel powerful and in control until your brother and mother died and you were left without a support network. I think he is a pathetic loser.
Narcissists want to prevent victims they depend on from leaving them. To achieve this, first they try to isolate you as much as possible and then they make you believe you will not be able to survive without them. They find excuses to make you leave your job and your support network. They ruin your finances. They destroy your self-esteem and attack your self-worth.
Actually, he is the one who needs you. He needs not only your fuel and character traits but mostly your residual benefits to survive. You may not be completely aware of all your resources. Narcissists make you believe they are giving you everything and that you are giving them nothing and only taking from them. Do not believe him.
If it helps, make a list of all the things you have given him and you are still giving him, including intangible resources – your time, attention and energy. Add how much it would cost him if he had to hire people to do the same tasks for him. Include those things he dismisses or may have told you they are not worth anything. You will realize who needs whom.
Re: “If push comes to shove, and you really are destitute, your family, no matter how long it has been since you spoke, have a couch for you, or some sort of help.”
Unfortunately, this is not always true. It all depends on different factors. Also, if you were assigned the Scapegoat role, you will not get any kind of help from them, no matter how serious your situation is. It happened to me.
Unfortunately, some ACONs decide to maintain (very low) contact with their family of origin. They wrongly believe their narcissistic family will always help them when they most need them. I think they watch too many films – there is always a happy ending.
Re: “When you have no family, your friends care, but it’s not the same. They don’t offer their couch. … They have their own problems.”
True that they have their own problems but empathetic friends will always help you whenever they can.
I know how it feels to feel trapped. I also understand the fear of the unknown.
Being aware of all the brainwashing you were subjected to is very important to move forward. Once you know the “secrets”, they will not have the same effect on you again.
I am glad to hear you are planning your escape. You wrote you were alone and happy before you met him. Trust yourself you will be able to live without him and without anyone again!
Good luck, No-one!
PS: Since you said your partner is violent, I would book a consultation with HG to help you plan your escape.
I agree. When you are scapegoat, so called “family” don’t care about you. I won’t even call them a family. I remember when i shared my problems with “my dad” and the way my “sibling” treated me, he replied: i have my own problems as well but do i share them with you?(my reaction Wtf?). My matrinarc would even curse me. They were never happy whenever something good happened to me.
I wrongly used word never. I meant most of times*
AR,
You were lucky. In my case, never.
E.B. Maybe. But actually i didn’t take into account narcs’ faking when i made a correction.
oh no. If something good happens to you they minimize it and try and burst your bubble. I know how that goes.
M.
AR.
I am sorry your dad responded so coldly. It’s hard when a parent treats you so poorly. one begins to wonder if they are not valued by a parent what about the rest of the world . Well I value you. Thank you for reading my letter and trying to grow and find a better way for yourself.
M.
E.B.
Everything you wrote hit home and it is exactly as you say. I give nothing he gives everything. Today he has mirrored me in an attempt to look victim to our employees. He locked himself out and i was in back when he rang the bell so, he texted me and said he was sleeping out side and it was all my fault. I unlocked the door walked out and found him parked in a hiding spot and told him it was unlocked. I even photographed it and time stamped. Then he said i was just tricking him if he walked up there i would lock it again. So i said i will make it really easy for you. We live in our warehouse, so i opened three of the bays all the way the dock doors are massive. you cant miss them. and left the door unlocked. i messaged him and told him he said i was going to pay for that. so i videod the time and his refusal to come in, as well as his threat because i messed up his act to make me look bad and play the victim. then today our GM is chewing my ass out because they were so behind today. I guess he didn’t tell you, he insisted i touch nothing and insisted i not help i guess? of course i am not believed so i video and photograph everything. this is no way to live but it will help in court i guess. yes your right he has convinced me I wont survive without him. i fear that i will fail and i will be alone out there, but as it stands I gues i already am.
M.
yes, i am going to try and utlize HG assistance. I agree comopletely. He has yet to steer me wrong.
E.B.
I thought I had responded. It may still be in moderation. I don’t honestly know how HG keeps up with all this. It appears to be a big undertaking. So you may see my response twice.
“Narcissists make you believe they are giving you everything and that you are giving them nothing and only taking from them. ”
This is so true. He literally tells me this all the time. You hit the nail on the head with this one.
In regards to my comment about family. My intent is was to convey the pure isolation one experiences when there is no family remaining. My family was not healthy, by any means. I do have one aunt left who is so sick that she is dangerous, and I choose to have no contact with her. I love her, but I can’t risk the harm that is inflicted in the process of trying to love her. So, to clarify, it is not as simple as that in regards to family I agree.
Apologies, I am not sure that i know what an ACON is?
You might be right about the friends. I know that my trust level is at a low. So far what I have experienced have alterior motives, or I care for the friend, and don’t want to burden them as they already have so much on their plate; or lastly, i fear it would ruin the relationship if they lived with me. I suppose that idea comes from my narc. I may believe wrong that no one could live with me.
I am going to apply for programs available to me, including HG’s Angel program. I have come to see him as a guardian angel so to speak for all of us. I know he does not feel the way I imagine one would, but it does not change the fact that he is doing a good thing for so many people. He can’t help what he is, anymore that we can, but he made something good come from it, and in my book he is a good man.
Thanks for all you had to say EB it really hit home and made me think.
Thank you to you as well HG
M.
Oracle, please do not rely on police officers alone. Please go to a domestic violence shelter. Do not wait until you get beat up again, go now. You have enough reasons to get support.
I think there are ppl you can hire to take care of this situation
A hit man would do nicely.
I wish i knew them. M..
OH HOW HEARTBREAKING. MY POOR MOTHER LIVED THIS WAY WHEN I WAS LITTLE . IT WAS VERY EXCEPTED IN THE 1950,S . IT WAS SUCH A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE FOR US CHILDREN. I ONLY WISH MY MOTHER WAS STILL ALIVE , BUT NOT SO UNFORTUNATELY IT TOOK A TERRIBLE TOLL ON HER HEALTH . I WOULD LOVE FOR MY MOM TO FINALLY KNOW ALL THE ABUSE &HEARTACHE.⏳⌛🐂💩💯WAS PUT UPON HER BECAUSE SHE WAS PURE INNOCENT SWEET & GOOD 😇👿💯
I am sorry your mother went thru that, and I can relate to her. We suffer quietly and are alone. I spent the last day hiding from him until he calmed down. There is no one for me to call. It is not spoken about even in today’s age. When I try people become uncomfortable and either not say anything, or change the subject.
“I still love you. No matter how awful you are, I never give up”
How low one’s self-esteem should be to say such things to a person who kicked the shit out of you.
As one spiritual person said: to love someone to the detriment of yourself is not love, it is sickness.
I completely agree. I am very sick. I am learning that and how to do things differently. It’s just taking time. M.
Oh my god. I can only hope this is an old letter and that you have escaped by now. This is heartbreaking and horrifying 🙁
No but I am working on it.
Oracle
Please stay safe and stay close to us. We’re all rooting for you and HG will help you. Wishing you strength as you plan your escape 🙏🏻💕❤️
So insightful. Its horrible and so true. I thank my stars the Narc is in another state. Funny how u mentioned what the Narc said to the woman after her remaining family passed. The Narc targeted me right after my Mom passed.
yes, in the beginning he did everything he could to make a relationship with my family difficult. The death of them all signaled his victory. M.
OMG….I am speechless with tears flowing. Has this person escaped? Are they safe? Can we help?
I am in the process. i have a plan that I am taking action on. I will get out of this one way or the other. It is a web that I have caught myself in. Now that I am in, there is not a way out without help. At the same time, help comes with uncertainty. There are many days that i think it’s okay because I know what cruelty to expect from him. Those out there, I don’t. I have a place to live here. If I leave without a plan in place and go to say, a shelter, any number of things could go wrong, and here I will be out in the streets. Having family and not are hugely different and impact this situation profoundly. People tell me all the time they know what it’s like to not have family because they don’t speak to them or rarely see them etc. No, here is the difference. If push comes to shove, and you really are destitute, your family, no matter how long it has been since you spoke, have a couch for you, or some sort of help. When you have no family, your friends care, but it’s not the same. They don’t offer their couch. Why your not family. They have their own problems. If they do, it is inevitable that you will get on their nerves because it’s human nature. Seeing as your not family, they don’t have to love you and would put you out, and end a friendship. See these are worries I go thru. I am working toward an exit of which I will be able to stand on my own two feet. M.
Oracle, Please do try to get out. Stay in touch and if we can help please let us know.