A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 112

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Dear Middle Mid Range Elite Narc, (and his brethren, since you’re all the same)

The attraction was magnetic and that never ended. I can still feel your pull ,even in my dreams.

The chemistry is idealistic. Damn you.

I was never a candidate- I was a filler until she moved here. I became a shelf, and then a DLS. But you never had me in mind for promotion. At least, not at FIRST. But, things change. The golden period wore off, as they do.

Now I’m your backup plan.

And, if all the rest didn’t convince me— that’s how I know what you are. Because normal people don’t hold onto someone for years- just as a backup plan.

I think it was a rare moment of truth when you said I was too smart and too strong to put up with you. Even if it was bullshit from your mouth, you were right. I’d have left you, but I would’ve unravelled you on my way out. Be thankful.

I do wish I could be a fly on your wall-

Does she not sense a disconnect between you, as I did?

I’ve seen your underlying contempt only a few times but it unnerved me

A dark cold voice  , A ruthless comment.

If that’s what you are, you’re damn good at covering it. DAMN good. Do you still hide it from her? I’d think it’d be too exhausting.

Your incessant need for my praise, boy , that drained me. That’s why I quickly decided you’d never have been right for me really…

So I was content to be kept on ice for when you need another fix.

SIX YEARS almost!!

How did that go by so fast?

I was utterly lost the first year, elated and then devastated.

Resigned but hurting the second year.

Caught up in my own head and life, in a fog for year three and four

Wising up to you year five

And had total clarity year six

-yet still I continued- to watch and confirm. To put HG’s words to the test, to measure up what I’ve researched for hours every night for almost 2 years. It’s been a social experiment. A social experiment with benefits, one could say.

I can’t imagine going through life not knowing what I now know. Sleepwalking. I love that I was exposed to this underworld. I love recognizing narcissists/sociopaths, and the disordered.

It’s FUN.

You awakened the sex goddess –

But then you unlocked a Pandora’s box that I may never have found within me- a passion , a skill set, a new level of awareness.

I love that you happened.

I even love the dull ache of The Mixture that lies dormant.

It’ll never go away and I wouldn’t want it to, because if it disappeared, I might forget what I know.

It is my battle scar.

I can feel it’s time now. I don’t have all the answers I want, but I have what I need. I know when to fold.

I won’t rat you out. I’d rather let her figure you out from my inevitable replacement. You’re getting careless, cocky, obvious. I wonder  if- when she finally grasps who you are and what you’re up to- will she leave? You don’t have it in you to find a brand new replacement IPPS. You’ve experienced chaos mode before – and I AM the evidence that you learned to avoid that happening again.

So I am pretty certain you have her best friend- your neighbour, soon to be houseguest, coworker to both of you- primed to be your next victim. MY replacement. A back up for the back up.

This is DEFIN gonna go tits up.

And when it does- you can just do the ole switcharoo with her bff. AS. YOU. DO.

Oh how I wish there was a pool going. I’d clean up.

ANYHOOO- gotta go . Much work to be done, or didn’t you realize?;

I’m aware.

I’m informed.

I’m an army of one.

I am a weaponized empath.

Beware. The tables are turning.

I am coming for my sisters.

And then, we are coming for YOU.

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15 Comments

  1. Good letter. I also found myself conducting a 2 year social experiment on my mid range/somatic/malignant narcissist (he checked a few boxes). Year one I was in love and blinded by the love bombing. Years 2 and 3 were horrific cycles of hoover/love bomb/devalue/discard. I could not believe who/what I was dealing with. Then I would read HG’s posts and he literally wrote about my nightmare. Still, I continued to test HG’s direct knowledge. Each and every time my ex would check off another box on the narc checklist – gas lighting, word salad, triangulation. I finally found the strength to break it off for good 3 months ago. I did not realize how much of myself I gave up – and almost lost – to my ex. I cannot speak from a male perspective, but as a woman I am so much more empowered from the knowledge gained on this site. I am mentally and physically stronger. While I do still have moments of sadness thinking about what I thought we had and who I thought he was, I know that eventually those moments will be fewer and farther between.
    I 1000% could not have pulled myself together and away from my situation had it not been for this site and the community of people who share their stories here. Thankful for all of you.

    1. Lisa +Catamint
      I’m glad I am not the only one conducting these “social experiments” using my newfound narc knowledge and armory of tools. I do this knowing that I am holding myself back. I was full NC for about 2 months and have consistently broken it by stalking his social media. If he were to contact me somehow, I trust that I would attempt to control/manage the outcome in an exchange, KNOWING that it’s impossible. Yet, I still want to conduct this research for my experiment and continue wasting my time, energy and emotions on someone who is not worth a second’s thought.

      1. There’s value in the experiment but it can only be done properly if one has fully embraced the narc worldview and has fully unplugged the ET- is “over” the person , less emotionally invested empaths, ones who can separate and compartmentalize their emotions.
        It’s not for everyone.
        – Even then it’s risky as hell bc of the mixture. There are those that don’t need to do it. The ones who do – can be the storytellers of the tribe- having taken HG’s wisdom and tested it -so not all the others have to.

        1. WAF T
          agreed. I probably fall into the “don’t need to do it” bucket yet here I am. The different thing is, I guess, that I’m only tiptoeing through it. Still participating without really diving in. For example, I’ll still reply to him when he contacts me, will provide fuel, praise, compliments, admiration etc to gauge his reactions and draw him to me as best as I can, but if/when he makes a move, I will decline. So, I am testing theories experimentally without really putting myself in real danger (although there is still danger in terms of feeding the ET 😑)

          1. It’s a slippery slope . I don’t recommend it – everything HG says is truth . I went total no contact without warning from one of mine- been 9 months now and I’m very pleased with myself and life is way better. Knowing what I know is recommend just going NC of course. It has to e done eventually anyhow

  2. Damn, did you climb into my brain to get some of these thoughts?

    That magnetic attraction, although not exactly sure WHY. But, it exists.

    A fly on the wall – why do I even want to know? I need that final piece of the puzzle to close the case forever.

    “-yet still I continued- to watch and confirm. To put HG’s words to the test, to measure up what I’ve researched for hours every night for almost 2 years. It’s been a social experiment. A social experiment with benefits, one could say.”

    “I can feel it’s time now. I don’t have all the answers I want, but I have what I need. I know when to fold.” Yes.

  3. Wow. Everything stated is exactly my experience. However, after a year and a half of being his friend, I finally realized what I am up against. His comments of “wait for me, I think of you as girlfriend material. When I am ready, I will pursue you in that way” were bull because now he has a gf. I can go on and on, but you know how it all goes. Now I don’t believe any of his bull and I am done. I just need to get away.

    The ONE good thing about my friend is this. He made me see that there are better things & men out there for me. I was able to confidently divorce my now ex husband – who I now understand is a Lesser, the VERY definition of one – and now I rely solely on myself. My daughter also sees her mom as happier and less anxious.
    So, for that, I thank the narcissist friend…and thats about it.
    Thank you so much for your blog, HG!

  4. My last conversation with a narcissist in which he said that he would never speak to me again.

    – I receive what you write as aggression, because there is a lot of criticism, crossing borders – You know better what I feel and what I have contact with and I do not have contact, it’s brainwashing. It’s taking control of the other person’s mind.
    Hence I thought you were in some amok. I didn’t think you could use this style of communication calmly. This is interesting.
    – (…)
    – This is a dangerous thing. Does not over-interpret, it is guided by specific and objective knowledge about manipulation. What you do is described in Patricia Evans’ Toxic Words. This is aggression.
    – (…)
    – And that means that you only believe in fighting, dominating someone, drawing life energy from a sentient being. It means you’re a psychic torturer. It is sad.
    – (…)
    – We lose time without a common language. If you could express yourself straightforwardly, specifically, in accordance with objectively recommended methods of communication (generally accepted and safe for everyone) we could communicate. You talk about my flaw without calling it or characterizing it, you just diminish my value by highlighting my flaw – an undefined flaw cannot be located or verified or compared to a standard. It’s fat manipulation. And you also say that I do not feel when it is not true. Gaslighting.
    – (…)
    – Not true. I treated you like a friend until today you have revealed your psychic torturer.
    – (…)
    -Not true. Manipulation again.
    I am alone because I chose to be alone instead of being with aggressive men. I was leaving them. I prefer being a hundred times alone than being with a manipulator.
    – (…)
    – And here the fattest play on fear of being abandoned. I know it. I love being alone with myself. Anxiety controlled.
    – (…)
    – An abuser is anyone who has the right to know better than I do what I feel and what I don’t feel, what I do and what I don’t do. Whoever points out my faults uses gaslighting. Anyone who puts himself above me and wants to control me and manipulate my sense of values, fears and instincts. He is a torturer. I treat him like an enemy who has entered my mental territory and conquers them.

  5. Well that was a whole lot kinder than I feel and I’m not even no Contact yet.
    Highly considering it.
    This was way too nice.

  6. Wow Catamint. This was a great letter. So much of this is relatable to my own situation. The shelf, being a DLS, the magnetism and the pull even while dreaming. (triggering but so accurate).

    The IPPS who he claimed he would never leave but he never fully dismissed me either. And finally (and the most chilling) the reference to the “social experiment”. Reading HG and putting the words to the test.

    “I won’t rat you out” – the temptation to do this also existed in my experience as well.

    I felt like so much of this is applicable to my dynamic with my Piano Boy mid-ranger.

    “I do wish I could be a fly on your wall-” – Yes, a million times over.

    “the dull ache of The Mixture that lies dormant.” – another sentence that was totally triggering….I get it big time. All it takes is a text chime. Or a simple memory and suddenly it is like a tidal wave that knocks me over.

    He awakened me sexually as well, the things we did, good grief.

    I admire you for breaking free. I still gobble up whatever crumbs come my way.

  7. I love this letter. I hope I never appear as the backup plan in my narc’s mind. Because, like the author of the letter, I, too, am an army of one.

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