A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 113

ANNABELLE´S LETTER
Hey

Yep, its me again

At the end of the last letter i told you i was winning……but see,  i fell backwards before reaching the shore in my dinghy

You started visiting me again every week, yet stopped me from visiting you. How very transparent.    I knew but the addiction was too great.

I found out whilst you were ‘at the gym’ one day – you were really shagging a stranger off soc media in your bed.   She told me you see – because she was on my soc media too.   And you had told her you had been single for 10 yrs.     You also asked her to bring her vibrator if she could.   Sick bastard.   You watched both of you at it in your mirrored wardrobes.  Infact i know you – you were just watching YOU.

You of course denied it – shot around here and tried to have sex with me!  I grabbed you and my nail dug into your neck and drew blood.   You pushed your forehead so hard against mine it hurt.

Stupidly i still let you visit.  But i hated you.
The addiction to you was too strong to let you go.   Each visit 3 hrs max – sex was why you visited, and to talk about personal issues.   You were using me as a therapist.  I told you i knew you have NPD.  I never did make a secret that i knew.

Then it happened.

I was contacted by a much older woman in her 50’s.  She told me she and you had been having a friends with benefits arrangement for over 3 years! Since before i met you.  My heart smashed.

She lent you her car, did your housework, bought you things, bought the bed i slept in with you!   She spent Xmas Eves with you.  You went for dinner with her, bought her perfumes.

Tbh – She looks like Frank Warren.   Fact.

I got nothing.  Ever.   Taken nowhere . Ever. I GOT NOTHING.    And i asked for nothing but your time.   You breadcrumbed me down to 2 hours every 2 wks.   Then later on , every week you let me down and didnt bother telling me.   Heartless cold reptilian bastard.

You loved the old boot’s money.  You rat.

You desperately rushed around here the next day after she contacted me – denying it – you were JUST friends. And then you even had the hard face to tell ME that you and I had JUST been friends!  I had no words.   I divorced – to JUST be your friend.  WHAT FUCKING PLANET ARE YOU ON?

You sent her a text telling her ‘i want YOU in my life not her.  She wont go away!’   .  She sent me this.    You STILL denied it. Daaaa!!!

Thing is – she had fallen for you – why else would she have contacted me.   She confessed she had known about me for years, but she was married shagging you every week so she kept quiet.   You told her i was just a ‘friend’.     I hated her and after finding out all the details i blocked her.

I have rethought the sex we had.  Unusual.  I now see it differently.   You were re-enacting a situation from your  past.   Staying in the past groove and not willing to move anywhere but.    Repeat .  Repeat. Repeat.    I was a body to masturbate to.   Your mind was never there.   I watched you.    You were reliving the past, each time.

I havent seen you in 7 mths.    YOU limited me to emails.   How fucking dare you when it is YOU that did all that!

You told me i make you feel worthless.  PROJECTION!!   You make you feel worthless because you know i know all you are and there is no more mask or hiding.   You know i see YOU and you cant face me.   Despite threats to jump in your car and come to my home as i tell you what i think of you over email.   I know which wounds to push my thumbs in to get at you.   I hate you.  You have even slandered me to the mother of your kids .   I could destroy you with what i could tell her.    Know that.

I need to stop venting at you and start forgetting you.  Because good or bad, contact is now MY fuel – it seems your traits have rubbed off and i have a need to verbally abuse you so i can breathe.     The codependant addiction critic that pulls my inner strings.

Im still not winning YET, but im fucking well working on it !

Have a beautiful day Sweetheart.   I hate that I love you.

Annabelle (your real life horror doll)

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14 Comments

  1. It’s a good letter. Really could feel her pain. Also what a great telling of what really goes on with Narcs, the secrecy, deception, lies, juggling partners. It’s just not for me.

  2. Deep stuff..

    All of us know exactly how it feels whith each of those vile betrayals…

    More or less, all narcs are cowards, and are in denial about their own dusgusting state.

    ” contacing you , give me fuel”
    I do that a lot, i dont like it though, but it is a valve that need to be let off steam.

    I am the doll on the shelf, he still claims “i am his forever love” that bastard reptilian, expect me to stay on the shelf waiting for his majesty…
    and for what? Less then crumbs.

    Schifoso maledetto.

  3. Ah, the addiction. We need some sort of clinic to help us wean.

    I felt this, Annabelle. And don’t worry, you simply lost your position but you’ll get back winning again. You’ve got the tools and you know what to do. Keep working on strengthening that LT and soon enough you’ll be leaving him in the dust.

    1. Joanne
      This IS the clinic. HG’s work is narc methadone. If one keeps reading and consulting logic is strengthened and they eventually realize that there is no magic or sorcery on the part of the narc. There is learned behaviour on ours due to a number of factors, and they can be altered/unlearned when we face why we gravitated to or adopted them in the first place, and how to effect distancing/escape with HG’s counsel. Most people arrive here either full of anger or still very addicted to the drug of validation, but in time begin to see that the narc is not a Prince or Princess but rather a curious and disordered person out in the world that in some cases can actually contribute to society, but are to be avoided (as much as possible) in our own personal situations.

      They are quite ordinary without an audience (us) really. We are who give them life.

      1. Correct NA. It took self restraint but I didn’t lash out and feed the bear when I received inflammatory communication re, my spending habits (for the kids) the other day. Take me to court over it—I didn’t respond and I don’t give a damn. I could care less what I spend. The kids will hear him gripe because he can’t keep his mouth shut and they will know who is appropriate and who is not. Who saunters around like a bitter automaton and who is fun to be with?

      2. NA
        You are right on all points. Everything you said is true and without the knowledge I have gained here I’d be in a much worse place. Maybe what would work better is that mind erasing wand from Men In Black 😞

    2. I also have thought there needs to be an addiction treatment program for Narc survivors. It’s one issue getting off the Narc heroin, and another matter not to start “using” again. I call going back to the Narc “using again “

        1. I might need an in-house rehab. But not your House of Tudor!! 😂
          Good name for it though.
          I did successfully make it thru some hoovering, maybe I’ve improved.

      1. Cogra
        I would consider “using again” to be any breach of NC. The fact that I still look at his social media is just feeding the addiction.

        1. Joanne, totally understand. I did a peek yesterday too. Not much though. None today. And survived a little hoovering

  4. That was deep. A great example of emotional thinking. Of course all of those things are to be expected… but there still seems to be shock. Great letter.

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