A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 116

BECKAH B´S LETTER

 

You know, lately, I can’t help but to think if I would’ve answered your throwing of rocks at my window in June, what you would’ve said.. Or what you would’ve said if I called you directly after you sent your “Rebekah..” text messages in July, shortly before I gave birth.. Would you have even answered? And would you have been there?
I can’t help but to think of where it all went wrong.. Like what did I do that was sooo bad that warranted you actually forgoing the development and subsequent birth of your child? Your child.. You know he’s 2 months now..
Sometimes I wonder why me? What is it about me that led to all that transpired over the past 4 years? I’ve been burned, physically, for life. Been stranded over 600 miles from home, left to fend for myself and find my own way back.. Had money stolen from my bank account.. Got dumped over and over again.. Been hung up on, in my face, countless times.. Been given the silent treatment and ignored.. Been talked about.. Been lied about.. Been accused of things I didn’t even do.. Been taken advantage of.. Been hurt emotionally, mentally, and sexually.. Been disrespected.. And been abandoned and disregarded in several serious times of need..
What did I do?
I really would like to know.. Why did you do this to me? Why do you glorify and spend energy on everybody else, (and I mean EVERYbody else), yet me and our children together get treated like the red-headed stepchildren? Why do you show everybody else the seemingly good parts of you, but I get the savage?
How could you do this?
I’ve tried to stand up for myself many times.. Especially now, since there’s no incentive to bite my tongue or roll with the punches anymore.. I’ve tried to get help from others.. But my pleas for help.. assistance.. support.. all fall on deaf ears.. They all believe I’m the crazy one, for some reason.. Or that it’s all my fault.. Why? And I’ve tried to get help from you.. But your stonewalling technique is out of this world.. And so I’m left all alone.. Isolated.. Why have you treated me worse than any other female.. any other “friend”.. any other family member.. any other *person* you have ever encountered in your 31 years? Just why?
I look back at all of our messages from 2015 onward.. And I just wonder where did it all go wrong? What did I do? Why did you change? And who are you now?
Who are you??
You told me, as a man, you would make this the most enjoyable relationship I have ever experienced.. And that you would never hurt me.. But without a shadow of doubt, you will go down in my personal history book of being the one and only single person who did just the exact opposite..

~“If you never loved, you could never hate..”~

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23 Comments

  1. Bekah B
    It’s awful and it’ll be awful for a while and even when you’re healed pretty well there will be awful moments but they will be LESS awful.

    The really, REALLY good news is you have your kids and they have you
    And as bad as it sounds- they are better off without him. I’m not being flippant. The farther they are away from him- the healthier they will be. Better sooner than later. If he doesn’t give a shit about their existence it’s actually a blessing. The best kind of narc parent is an absent one.

    Delight in the love and joy of your children.
    🙏

  2. Bekah B
    Where did it all go wrong? That heartbreaking moment when you realized it was all gone. Just like that, he vanished, leaving you, the children and your unborn child behind, as if you meant nothing. In what crazy world does this make any sense? Time and space collide and your soul feels like it’s collapsing from unbearable grief as you desperately struggle to hold on to the tattered remnants of the life that you had together, only to realize that it was all a dream, a beautiful, wonderful dream that has somehow, inexplicably, has turned into a nightmare.

    What did you do? You did exactly what you were supposed to do; you loved him. You simply and honestly loved him. A duplicitous doppelgänger who disappears into the shadows as he ghosts through life, leaving behind memories of long past secrets never told. Who is he? He is the darkness who steals the light so he can shelter from the storm. A soulmonger who leaves a trail of broken hearts and promises in his wake.

    1. K,

      My goodness, your words are powerful and beautifully illustrate the answers to my questions!!

      Today has been one of those days where I have had fond memories of him and thus, I have subsequently gotten sad when being reminding of current reality.. *sigh* This stinks.. I really did love him.. More than I have ever loved another.. I can’t wait to look back on these days and not be able to connect with them at all.. I wish I could just break the addiction and be on with my life..

      Honestly, I don’t want to paint him black, forever.. I’m really not one to hold grudges.. But sometimes I feel it is the only effective way to keep thoughts, memories, and all of these emotions away.. To recognize him in this way as you have described encourages me to stay far, far away, and to be grateful he is not trying to hoover me at this time..

      1. Thank you Bekah B,
        There will be many fond memories and sad moments and it’s ok if you still love him. Unconditional love doesn’t just disappear in an instant and you don’t have to “paint him black” forever, on the contrary, strive for indifference.

        Currently, you’re alone, isolated and unsupported. You should stop reaching out to him and really focus on getting your ET under control and establishing NC because he will hoover. Don’t expect help or understanding from anyone IRL. Get your support here on narcsite.

        Feel your emotions and work through them but you also need to work on your LT and understand what you are truly dealing with; he’s a narcissist. Here are some answers to your questions.

        Q. What did I do?
        A. You became stale.

        Q. Why do you show everybody else the seemingly good parts of you, but I get the savage?
        A. Facade and contrast.

        Q. How could you do this?
        A. Stale fuel is a criticism/wounding and triggers devaluation; you needed to be punished for letting him down.

        Q. Just why?
        A. He never loved you and you meant nothing to him; you are an appliance that provides fuel, character traits and residual benefits.

        Bekah, it’s heartbreaking and I’m truly sorry that you are going through this. You and your children deserved better.

        1. Hey K, concise answer. Are you on the admin board here, you sound like you have this covered! 👌😉

          I was wondering if you had any further ideas concerning *stale fuel*? Why some empaths seem to give that more than other’s or at least more quickly within the relationship.

          1. Your fuel becomes stale dependent on the school of narcissist that you are dealing with and the frequency and duration of your engagement with the narcissist. Primary sources´fuel always becomes stale in time.

          2. Thank you Narc noob
            Ha ha ha…I’m not on the admin board. I really appreciate the compliment but HG is an army of one.

  3. Hi Bekah B, I just want to let you know that you are so admirable with your strength and love for your children. They are so blessed to have you and you are more than enough for them to make up for what he cannot give and plus more. They will grow up to be as strong and resilient as you are and they will know how it is to love. Thank you for your letter.

    1. Thank you, MommyPino, for your kind words and reading this letter.. I pray that my children do grow up to be strong, resilient, and to know how it is to love, so they will have the wisdom to know what it is NOT, and hopefully never be caught up in a narcissistic dynamic as this..

  4. Hi Bekah and congrats! I hope you and baby are both feeling great.

    Yours is a very sad story. It is so unfortunate that he is unable to appreciate you and his children. A beautiful gift HE is missing out on. I can imagine the conflict you must feel, in knowing that NC is the healthiest for you and the children, yet still harboring the feelings of wanting him to be the father you imagine he should be. Know you have tried your very best at giving him everything. This is all on him now, his loss. You are strong, keep at it. I have no doubt that you WILL find healthy love and partnership and a real father figure for your children.

    1. Joanne,

      Thank you for your comment.. How have you been doing?

      It is unfortunate my ex is literally not willing or able to appreciate or fully embrace what was supposed to be a joyous life event for the both of us.. It is still quite difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he is 100% disinterested in our son.. It’s like he hasn’t accepted or owned up to the fact he has another child.. This is truly beyond me.. It hurts, but day by day, I grow to accept this and just focus on my son being here and really take in the moments with him..

      Thank you for pointing out my strength.. Most times I don’t *feel* I have much, but I guess I am slowly but surely realizing in my mind I actually do..

  5. Awww, thank you so much Laurel!! I appreciate that!! Yes, I feel very alive and awoken now, knowing just about everything there is to know about a narcissist, thanks to this forum and our dear moderator, HG.. My ex will never have the opportunity to blindside me again, just like you said.. I don’t feel strong most days, but I guess I am, huh? Lol.. I just try my best and continue to do what I have to do for our children.. That’s the only way I can wrap my mind around this whole thing and feel like I have come out on top..

  6. Pingback: A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 116 ⋆ NarcTopia
  7. It’s such a trip, isn’t it, that they do it on purpose? All of the pain he caused you and your children he did intentionally because he needed negative fuel from you. Your negative fuel was so satisfying that it seems he didn’t need to get negative fuel from anyone else. The joy of having children, the joy of emotional intimacy, the joy of having someone so completely in his court and on his side-these are not things they can appreciate. They only appreciate these good things we give when they are destroying them. He never wanted these things or you or a family: he wanted fuel.

    If he wanted those things, he would have them. You would have and did freely give. He destroyed them and you and your little ones and, seemingly, his own life, ON PURPOSE.

    You did give him good love and a good life. You were only good, and all of the mean things he said to and about you were lies. The addiction you have to him is what you need to overcome. I don’t think it is love anymore, for no one loves someone who is so mean and abusive. It might still feel like love, for that becomes our defense mechanism to survive the abuse-the habit and attitude of unconditional love, but you simply can’t love someone who does this to you and your children.

    I don’t know how old this letter is, but for anyone experiencing this right now, keep reading HG, and bear up. It gets harder before it gets better, and the addiction is the thing that will still make you go back even though you know you don’t love anymore or want back. The addiction is the last hold out in yourself. Be aware and careful of it. Get through it, because on the other side is wholeness and health and joy and boundaries and self esteem. And maybe someday, if you want it, someone who actually can love.

    1. Caron,

      Thank you for your comment.. This resonates with me, especially, because I believe you hit the nail on the head about the “feeling” I’ve been having, but have not been able to fully describe efficiently.. Cognitively, I know I do not love my ex, just by comparing the feelings I had for him in the past to the feelings I have for him now.. I know it isn’t love or infatuation.. I know I am angry, but I have been angry towards many others in my life before, yet all of their transgressions have not lingered in my mind and heart as they have with my narc ex.. What is it about him that keeps me sooo wrapped up in all of these emotions and thoughts, still of him, even though it’s been shy of just one year since we’ve been disengaged.. What is it?

      Addiction.

      I am addicted to him and I must rid myself of this.. I hate going to bed at night, thinking of him.. Waking up in the mornings, thinking of him.. Sometimes waking in the middle of the night, because I was dreaming about him.. It feels like there’s not a period of 2 hours, max, in every day that passes by, that I don’t think about him at least once.. *sigh*

      All of your other words about the negative fuel I provided to him, his inability to indulge in and be content with the joys of emotional intimacy, having a family, and [little] people who love him ever so naturally and unconditionally are absolutely true.. And I *feel* it when I read your words.. Sometimes it’s just too much to take in and feel with every ounce of my heart, that I just avoid it altogether and physically do something else.. I feel I am in the real life grieving process, realizing he is considered to be a loss in my life.. This is what I meant when I told MB that some times are tougher.. There’s such a ball of confusing and opposing emotions churning inside me, every single day..

  8. Beckah, What you wrote struck such a chord in me. There are no words to describe the emotional turmoil we go through – although I was feeling everything you said. You’re so strong. So resilient and so woke now- he will never blindside you again. You’re the Phoenix rising, yes you are!!! So much love to you. Biggest hugs xx

  9. Beckah, it’s always Opposite Day with the narc. YOU and your children’s were always the best, most valuable people in his life. He doesn’t have the capacity to know it.

  10. I’m so sorry Beckah. Nobody deserves the treatment you and your children have endured. He did it all for one reason…he’s a narcissist. My thoughts are with you as you make your way forward. You have amazing strength. I’m truly in awe.

    1. Thanks so much, MB.. I tell you, it seems it gets easier and tougher, all at the same time.. It seems to get easier as the days go by, knowing he is no longer in my life and therefore I am not nearly as susceptible to the many manipulations he used to deploy.. But at the same time, it gets tougher knowing he is not here and the longer it is like this, the more far removed I will be from my original feelings for him and I will never be in touch with those feelings again.. A part of me feels like I have to have those feelings in order to allow him a chance to do the right thing and care for our children.. But logic and reality eventually sets in, every time, and I realize things will never be as I hoped them to be in my idealistic mind.. He is a narcissist and incapable of caring for any other person, other than himself.. No matter how much time goes by..

      1. Bekah, First of all, I apologize for misspelling your name. It is important to me as a sign of respect.

        I understand exactly what you are saying by holding on to the ideal to give him the chance to do “the right thing”. This is a place that you are completely accepted and validated. Hang in there, as you’ve seen, no contact and time take the sting out of it. My wish for you is for a partner to come into your life that loves you and your children and enhances your experience. Besides that, I wish for the easier times to be more plentiful and the tougher times to be in the rear view mirror. Give the babies cuddles from MB. ❤️

        1. That’s alright, MB!

          I really do appreciate the acceptance and validation.. I stay to myself “in real life”, not speaking to many friends or family members about my experiences, as I feel they cannot quite fully understand..

          About another partner–I hope and wish the same for myself one day, although I can say I don’t believe that day is any time soon.. I want to be sure I am completely healed from my experiences with my ex; that my addiction to him and everything about him is gone; and that I have given myself enough time to learn and fall in love with myself so completely and wholly, that my self-esteem will never have a chance to crumble again..

          I thank you so much for your well wishes, MB, and your replies to my comments, always.. Cuddles to my babies from you, FOR SURE!! ♥

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