Not Tonight, Caroline.
Established readers may remember dear, sweet Caroline, an ex-girlfriend of mine who had a huge conscience and always sought to do the correct thing. She often wanted to fight back against my manipulations but could not do so because she took the view that it was wrong. Wrong because she did not believe in meeting fire with fire. Wrong because she always maintained that I needed help to overcome the issues that apparently I had. She was sweet but ever so misguided. Caroline was a particular enthusiast of horror movies. I at first found this slightly at odds with who she was although I naturally embraced her enthusiasm for them as part of my mirroring of her likes. I found that it was actually psychological thrillers and creepy horror (not out and out gore fests) which she preferred. The reason for this soon became apparent. She enjoyed being scared witless in the cinema because it made her amorous, randy, horny, call it whatever you will but it made her want to go straight to be to make love after any visit to the cinema. We would make near weekly visits to the cinema and sometimes twice in a weekend for her dose of fright and then the sex thereafter.
Once the period of devaluation began with Caroline I knew, as was often the case, that withdrawing sexual interest from her would provoke the appropriate hurt, upset and frustrated response which would provide me with the negative fuel that I craved. I also knew however that she was confiding in a handful of people outside of our relationship (note – always secure a lieutenant in the primary source’s camp) and it would not do to have my name besmirched in such a way. Firstly, I was not wanting those listeners (two of whom I had identified as potential targets) to think that I had a reduced sexual appetite when that was not the case, of course they could not be told that this apparent loss of libido arose as a consequence of a manipulation. Secondly, I did not want her to garner sympathy and support from her camp over my withdrawal of sexual attention.
Accordingly, the tactic needed to cause the withdrawal without it being directly linked to me. Naturally I identified that the attendance at the cinema to watch frightening movies was the catalyst that ignited her libido. To her, film night was sex night. Film night therefore had to be the target. I needed to maintain my appearance (at least) of being reasonable so I would be able to garner sympathy at her now failure to engage in a sexual union and also to avoid it seeming as if I was the one sabotaging film night. She had to be the one to sabotage film night and thus if we or rather she did not attend the film there would be no sex to follow. This would be her doing and I could justifiably complain that I was the one not getting any sex as a consequence of her selfishness.
Accordingly, my aims with Caroline we are as follows: –
- Cause the withdrawal of sex leaving me blameless and thus with grounds for complaint;
- Sabotage her attendance at film night without it appearing that I had done so;
- Cause her to cause the sabotage so I remained blameless.
I knew she was angling for new car and I had been engaging in future faking by suggesting that we would organise for her to get a new car. I kept putting it off and I knew that she was becoming irritated by this because she wanted a larger vehicle for the increased mileage she was doing associated with her job. On the Saturday when we were due to go to the cinema that evening, I returned to the house with a couple of brochures from a dealership.
“What have you got there?” she asked pleasantly enough.
“Oh a couple of brochures for the new Jaguar, I fancied a change.”
“What? Already?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well you’ve only had your car less than a year.”
“And?”
“Well, you don’t need a new car, I do.”
“It’s like that is it?” I asked.
“Like what?”
“I am not allowed to look.”
“You said you fancied a change.”
“I do but that isn’t the same as ‘I am getting a new car’ but oh no, you had to assume you knew what I meant, just in the same way that you always assume you know what is best for me. If I want a new car, I will get one, it is my money.”
“Yes, yes, okay, but you have been promising that we would change my car.”
“No I haven’t.”
She paused trying to keep her rising exasperation under control.
“Yes you did.”
“Are you suggesting that I have lied,” I said firmly and quietly. She halted.
“You were weren’t you, you fucking snake,” I hissed at her.
You can imagine how the rest of the conversation went. I baited and pressed until she erupted in tears of frustration. I strung the argument out until it was close to the time to depart for the cinema.
“You are in one of your moods again, I’m not going to the cinema with you since you are being so horrible,” she declared.
“Suits me. I will go on my own.”
I saw her mouth drop open. She expected me to talk her around into going. She probably also expected me to arrange a new car for her in order to persuade her to come to the cinema. That was how manipulative this woman could be and I was not falling for it. Apologies, that was how I later described the conversation when recounting the poor treatment, I had been subjected to. I knew she expected me to sweet talk her into accompanying me to the cinema, but I was not doing so. I had to turn my head so she did not see my smile of satisfaction. I was fuelled from her upset and frustration. I also knew that she would be cursing the fact she was not going to the cinema and would in turn rue the loss of the catalyst for her sexual engagement that she otherwise wholly enjoyed. I made for the door as she made a noise of protest and headed to the car.
I adopted a blackened look on my face, appearing as if it was I who had been wronged by her refusal to accompany me to the cinema but the reality was I was delighted. I had drawn fuel, asserted my control, reinforced my superiority and I could watch the film without someone grabbing my arm every five minutes in terror. I could also complain about her behaviour to anybody I chose to tell and knew her options for complaint had been severely limited because she chose not to come to the cinema which in turn stymied her expected later pleasure.
This is how a greater narcissist thinks. Planning ahead in order to secure the fuel, the control and the winning outcome.
31 thoughts on “Not Tonight, Caroline.”
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I dont feel sorry for her. She expects you to buy her a new car? She sounds spoiled and entitled.
I agree on the car point…I would never ask anyone for a car. Or anything! HG may have embellished that…it doesn’t sound like Caroline.😂
I got a car once! Why not?
It’s totally fine if you got a car, Lorelei. 😂 “Caroline-is-fine” is a little weird…even in high school, store clerks would find me and my Mom arguing over clothes…as in my Mom would be trying to talk me into buying stuff, and I’d be like: “Mom, stop…I don’t NEED that.” It was like Freaky Friday at Macy’s.
Was it a cute car?😎
It was a very nice sporty pearl white car and it was fantabulous. This was 25 years ago—the make/model elude my memory which is an odd detail to forget. Alzheimer’s setting in? He wasn’t that awful to me really. Shit dad and flashy gambler/night club owner. I traveled some and ate great food. He was not too shabby in bed—first orgasm boyfriend and he bought me a vibrator. I was “what is this?!” to both of those things. He was really a blast much of the time. His ex wife and daughter & I are close. She called me a red headed slut or whore once though. It didn’t upset me. I was more upset that my natural color was more a hue of chestnut and she mislabeled my au-naturale ‘esque self. He did cheat and failed to provide flowers on a few obligatory occasions though. The cheating was like, “Meh…” I was more miffed over no flowers. I buy my own flowers now. He’s dead now or I would still see him. (Dropped dead in Atlantic City of all places.)
When I left he said he knew he could never keep me. Wise enough man.
Lorelei,
So he was close to the “WOW” Factor in your life…he was the “WOV” Factor. 😂 I know you’ll see what I did there.😎
At the time I was a little smitten but the real wow came a few years later in the form of a devastating dirty little secret thing. (The secret thing went both ways) Have to remember devastation as the key lesson.
Lorelei,
Yes, precisely…devastation…mayhem…pain. Screw THAT! We Empaths would rather do cartwheels, eat cotton candy, & take a ride on the Fun Ferris Wheel of Life.🎡
*Actually, cotton candy makes me sick to my stomach…but you get the idea.😎
It was really bad Caroline. I’ll never fess up on here as to what occurred as is simply too personal. Even for here. He is a good reminder to keep on my sleeve.
There’s no reason you need to, Lorelei.💙 It’s over, and all that’s left is to know you did the best you knew at the time~and go easy on yourself, as you heal & grow even more. Life lessons & all that. There’s stuff I don’t talk about either, as it’s private to my heart as well. 💙
I wondered if this was the same lady that was overly positive and didnt react to triangulation. The one with ptsd who compartmentalized. If it is this is a side thats very different of her.
I do find wealthy men usually choose higher maintenance women who are money hungry and are materialistic. Maybe thats a generalization but ive seen this a lot.
Ive also noticed these men choose somatic narcs and so it comes with the territory.
This lady i do not find a victim bc she seems to be a user as well.
Hey, Chi…As for me, I was just playing around, being that my name is Caroline (in that I was pretending I was taking it personally😉). I’ve only read about Caroline on this “of the horror flicks/sex deprivation” post…so I don’t know anything else about her, but I believe other posters have mentioned her, so I believe you’re right — that there’s other material on the site about her, whether in another HG posting, or he answered questions on her.😎
Lol caroline so youd not expect a new car then? 😄 im not sure if im confusing that caroline with another of HGs exes lol i need a little black book to write them all down 😁
HG can you please redo this but who a midranger would do and think?!
I have made a note, Mariah.
Not nice.
You’re biased!
Guilty as charged…poor Caroline.😌
HG—she must have been really cute to sit through even one of those awful movies. Christ that crap sucks and is poorly made!
Ha ha, you get off to see your musical, or are you starring in that one?!
I actually am quite capable of participating in a musical as I study under an opera singer in order to do things with my naturally talented daughter. (I’m not a natural but singing can be taught effectively)
Next year or the year following it is on the horizon—it is tremendous work though to perform. **I would want the role of the 5 inch heel girl! (Except I cant walk well in high heels as I’m as clumsy as a common idiot!)
Lorelei,
I’m a horror movie chicken.🐔 I couldn’t sleep through the night (for quite awhile) after “Silence of the Lambs.”😱
David Spade does a comedic rendition of being in the pit asking for an auto trader magazine as he applies the lotion—vigorously.
Lorelei,
That’s gotta be funny~gonna have to look that up…That’s also an excellent antidote to leftover movie jitters, in looking up a scary movie’s spoofs/parodies. 😉
I have a girlfriend that likes those movies. Always annoys me, thankfully it’s rare that I see her.
Such a shame, she speaks so highly of you!
I did have a fling with her 25 years ago! I swear I will never tell my kids of my true self.
They tell me they know anyway!
And I lost my student placement because her girlfriend was the director! I had to scramble to find my hours elsewhere because we got caught! Hilarious
Lorelei,
Since junior high, many people have tried to talk me into seeing really scary movies…or riding the wildest rollercoasters. No, just no!🎢 I say my experience with the narc was like both. Good enough.✅
One must meet fire with fire…excellent blog.