This Is Not No Contact – No. 2

I ONLY SEE HIM FOR THE SEX SO I GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

If your romantic ensnarement was with a somatic or an elite cadre of narcissist, you will have experienced how we use sex as a weapon of mass seduction. You will have experienced a lot of sex and of a spectacular quality – so long as it served our purposes.

Whilst high quality sex is not a hallmark of all ensnarements with a narcissist, where it does happen, this often proves to be an enduring temptation. A victim recognises they were entangled with a narcissist, they were abused, mistreated, treated as second best but my oh my, the sex was soooo good.

This results in misplaced notions on the part of the victim, once they have achieved realisation as to what they have become involved with.

He is a user, so now I am going to use him by just using him for sex. It is all he is good for.” – A misplaced notion of revenge.

“After all she has put me through, I may as well get something out of it.” – A misplaced notion of compensation for the misery endured.

“I miss the sex but nothing else, so now I know what he is, I can just take the sex and leave everything else.” – A misplaced notion of being able to control someone who is not to be controlled.

“I find normal people boring and it is only narcissists which excite me sexually, so I have to scratch the itch, even if it means seeing him from time to time.” – A misplaced notion that you are unable to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with a normal individual.

“Let´s see how he likes it when I ruin his relationship with the next person by continuing to sleep with him, let him feel what it is like.” – A misplaced notion that we think and feel in the way that you do.

All of the above are examples of emotional thinking corrupting empathic and/or narcissistic traits.

No matter how amazing the sexual relationship was, you were still being conned because the great sex was just another manipulation, there is no guarantee that you will be provided with it should you seek to continue the sexual relationship with the narcissist and as always, allowing yourself to be led by your emotional thinking will result in you being impaled on The Devil´s Pitchfork of fuel provision, adverse consequence and increase emotional thinking.

Continuing to have a sexual relationship with a narcissist, even when you make this choice, is a breach of no contact.

Do not continue a sexual relationship with a narcissist.

Get Out. Stay Out!

The Way To GoSo (Get Out and Stay Out)

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73 Comments

  1. On the topic of sex… I was doing some reading today on Sadism and Masochism (I know…. I’m Barrels of fun you guys 🤣) but in all seriousness it was a fascinating, interesting read. It made me think of the dynamic between the empath and the nArcissits and how this dynamic plays out.

    I do not for the mold for a masochists. But I did discover some sexual preferences with the narc that surprised me. But nothing close to the descriptions I read about.

    Wondering what others thoughts are on this subject. And if it entered their dynamic with the narc. I hope I don’t trigger anyone…. as I know the sadist actions are very abusive… but I would imagine if a person was machochist it would fulfill their needs.

    1. I must give my thoughts on this as these are the scenarios that have always ruled my life and the situations that drive me. My sexuality was turned on at a very young age and I am unable to turn it off. Situations and basic human interactions can become sexual with me very easily. I fight myself to maintain control in certain situations such as professionally, at the doctor’s office, or when I am interacting with the spouse of a friend. It is these times where I am dominant and will instigate a sexual act.

      I long to be dominated by men, both mentally and physically. I have been handcuffed, tied, bound, spanked, slapped, hair pulled, verbally humiliated and mentally controlled and it was all acceptable and sexually arousing to me. I want to be submissive to a man and serve him. I will admit that I found the devaluation sex written about in SATN to be arousing. I don’t understand why. I have also experienced love making and I did enjoy that too.

      When I begin a sexual interaction with a new man I can tell immediately if he has any sexual experience or the self-confidence to be dominant and if he doesn’t I will take over and become dominant; but I don’t want this and it angers and disgusts me intensely. Further, I don’t ‘pretend’ or ‘role-play’ these activities. I can’t. I must act exactly who I am at the time, which is somewhat unpredictable and inconsistent. I can’t pretend to be dominant when I am in submissive mode and vice versa, even though I have the capacity to be both. I just must ‘be’ and exist who I am at the time. Certain activities I can’t accept; for example, choking or hitting me with a cane or a whip will bring out my dominant side and possibly cause me to physically attack if I can and which I have done. I sometimes get physical with a man so that he will physically dominate me, and I then become submissive.

      I assume now that some of my sexual interactions in the past where with narcissists but I was unaware of that at the time. In my most recent narc relationship it slightly entered this dynamic. He naturally and willingly did some of the dominant things I wanted and had enough natural dominance in him during our sexual encounters so that I did not become disgusted with him. But then his victim mentality towards his life outside the bedroom did disgust me, so I had to discard him.

      To add yet another dynamic to my apparently unstable personality is the main way I exist in the world, which is my professional demeanor, integrity, modesty, and religious. Most people who know me in everyday life generally have no idea of my intense and contradictory dominant/submissive nature. Although some know and others have seen glimpses of it and have told me so. Due to this third way I operate I cannot involve myself actively in any BDSM communities because I can’t admit I have those other sides of me. I admit to these things on this blog only due to the anonymity here and writing it here brings me relief. Mr. Tudor will advise me if I am a narcissist after getting my empath detector.

      1. Thanks for your reply. That is very interesting.

        May I ask… did you grow up religious? I ask because most of Christian friends became very sexually permiscuious in college. I think being conditioned to think it is wrong or bad had a big affect on them wanting to rebel against that ideal. It was exciting and intoxicating for them to “break the rules”.

        You’re probably not alone as you think in your preferences but I think it’s such a difficult subject because a lot of what you speak of enjoying is abusive behaviour, however you genuinely find enjoyment in it. I think as long as partners are comminunticang and feel safe and trust one another… then that’s whats important.

        Do tell us the results of the empath decector will you? I’m sure having it done and understanding more about yourself willl be very useful.

        1. Yes I grew up religious. We were Catholic, attended Sunday school, had communion and confirmation, had our food blessed on the holidays, celebrated all religious holidays in traditional ways but only occasionally attended church. Then I was married at 23 to a man whose family was also religious and traditional. I was more experienced sexually than him and I soon overpowered and dominated him in all ways and within the first year of our marriage my anger and disgust at him caused me to divorce him and join the motorcycle club scene. I abandoned the house we were building and lost some money. He never remarried and rarely dated again after that and died at the age of 41 due to complications from alcoholism which his family blamed on me. Yes I will tell you the results. Yes understanding more about myself will be very useful. Yes the things I like are considered abusive. Yes I agree I am not alone in my enjoyment of it but it still does not mesh with who I am; although I’m not really sure who I am.

      2. Njfilly—your explicit honesty is refreshing. I can’t imagine you really being a narcissist as the explanation of the sexual behavior is so honest and truth oriented. I think everyone has a unique approach to sex and I know I worry about “boring men” being fun or playing some of the psychological games/light submissive games with sex but it’s a trade off to not be miserable. Keep writing. The anonymity here affords honesty.

        1. Thank you for your kind comment. I was being completely honest and it is the first time I have ever expressed some of these feelings.

  2. Actually, sex with the narc was eh. Never mind blowing. Never the best sex I have ever had. So when he withdrew it, no biggie. It was the withdrawal of affection, contact any kind of intimacy that I found wounding. The sex, not so much.

  3. Easy for a narcissits to say… they’ve never been through a dry spell. It’s brutal. I’ve never gone this long without sex before.

    I have a heavy love/sex addicition to mine. I recognize it but have absolutely no idea how to handle it.

    1. Being ensnared and subjected to The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery or no sex for a while – not a difficult decision.

      1. I know. Which is why I haven’t had sex in over a year. I’m hoping there’s some reward in the end haha.

        1. Can a narc be a sex addict too or can a sex addict also be a narc? I know there was an article about how being a narc and being an alcoholic are similar (i.e getting drunk can feel like fuel). Can the same be said about being a sex addict? As in getting lots of sex equals lots of fuel? I guess I am just wondering at this point if there is even a difference between being a narc and being a sex addict. I mean who would admit to sleeping with 100+ people?

          1. Can you elaborate more on that statement? I mean alcoholism exists and addictions to other various things too. How can there not be such a thing as being a sex addict?

          2. So is alcoholism the only exception to the rule then? Sex addict equals narcissist but alcoholism does not always equal narcissist?

          3. So just to clarify in my mind.

            Porn addicition: could be present separate of
            Narcissim, however is a very large indicator of it.

            Sex addiction: narcissits.

            I just want to make sure I’m not confusing things.

          4. Correct.

            Many narcissists are addicted to porn for reasons explained in Sex and also The Porn Supremacy, but some non-narcissists could be addicted to porn watching because it does not necessarily result in the production of fuel.

            Having sex always produced fuel, a person is not addicted to the sex, they are addicted to the fuel, those who are addicted to fuel are us, narcissists.

          5. I think you may have misunderstood.

            I stated the porn does not usually produce fuel. It will only produce fuel through Thought Fuel or if it is used for triangulation with a person, it does not in itself produce fuel.

    2. Empath007

      I thought I had a heavy love/ sex addiction also, I have found out however the only addiction I have is to narcissists and the attention that they give and then take away so very easily. Re: I have never gone this long without sex before. Empath I spoke those same words time and time again, it’s not the sex at all, but we know sex is the way to get that attention we so desperately crave. I am a CoD addicted to narcissists, I have to remind myself of that every single day! I read your comments and know how amazing and intelligent you are, I also know that you absolutely know how to handle it and when you are ready you will.

      1. Are you saying that both empaths as well as narcissists use sex for attention? I have often thought I had a sex addiction. I see Mr. Tudor say there is no such thing. I am trying to understand why sex is a focal point in my life. I can have NSA sex but also love making and loyalty to a boyfriend, when I have one. I’m still trying to determine if I am a narcissist or empath.

        1. Njfilly,
          Narcissists use sex for fuel, I used sex to get love and attention. I don’t know at exactly what age I was when I realized by having and being good at sex, I would also gain the attention that I was seeking, eventually I associated sex with love. I became more and more sexual as I became older and used my enthusiasm and enjoyment of sex to gain many things including what I thought was love.
          You saying you don’t know if you are an empath or narcissist, tells me you are not a narcissist, but to find out about being or what school of empath you belong to, you could take the empath detector. Have a great weekend!

          1. I was just curious because Mr. Tudor has said that an empath would not seek out NSA sex, which I have done and still do. Not sure if that is the type of sex you are talking about. I am taking the empath detector now. You have a great weekend also!

          2. Njfilly,
            I’m so glad you have decided to take the empath detector. The information I received from that detector helped me understand and learn more about myself then any of the other consults. Once I learned the truth about myself I could finally start working on the addiction that I have to narcissists.
            I can not speak for all empaths, however this empath has definitely seemed out NSA sex often. In fact with my last narcissist that is what it was suppose to be, he however changed those rules and I got sucked in once again to the lies, and mirroring.

          3. My relationship with the narcissist also started out as me contacting him asking if he wanted NSA sex. Then we just fell into a relationship (possibly out of convenience) but I could not deal with his withholding sex which is why I eventually just ended it for good. I have had many sexual partners and looking back I have had more NSA sexual partners than relationships. But I prefer to be in a relationship.

          4. No I didn’t know. He was a friend from high school. I found out after I ended it. I ended it in January and in March I learned what a narcissist is and that he is one, so I am very new to all this information. He also had a very deep sexy voice like Mr. Tudor although no accent. But it doesn’t matter how sexy the voice is if it is constantly used to voice ‘woe is me’ I just can’t handle it.

          5. Njfilly
            So you were blind as the rest of us to all of this! Thankfully you have come to the right place. There is no one out there that is more knowledgeable then Mr. Tudor. ( although the voice does nothing for me, I can understand how some would think it was sexy ) I hope you stay with us and if you have any questions please ask, if Mr. Tudor does not answer them, someone on-the blog will. When you are ready I found the audio consultations with Mr. Tudor to help me understand my own personal issues to be second to none.

          6. Thank you for your kindness and consideration. Yes I was blind to narcissism and having had that diagnosis would have helped me to understand sooner. I will stay here for a while as I really enjoy the articles. I currently have no issues with any narcissists that I need advice on. I am trying to gain insight into myself and my own behaviors. I am taking the empath detector. I’m not sure if an audio consultation with Mr. Tudor can help me. Although I do love just listening to him speak!

          7. Njfilly
            Finding HG and this place was a God send to me, at first just finding others that had gone through similar situations and proving I was not crazy in the events that happened to me was a miracle in itself. But then I started reading his books and reading the comments from people on here and soon realized I had many issues I was not aware of. I started writing my questions down and soon I had enough for my first email consult, after that initial consultation with HG I was on my way to learning more and more. Soon after that I set up my first audio consult with him, I was so nervous I didn’t think I would be able to talk! I soon found out that Mr. Tudor was very professional and took my personal situation very seriously. I soon found myself consulting with him often and each time his professionalism shone through, each time he gave me the answers to the questions that I ask him. That was four years ago, today I still consult with HG and he continues to answer my questions, he also in the last year has begun to help me with the biggest battle of my life, he is standing beside me, helping me to break the chains that have been wrapped around me my whole life! Listening to Mr. Tudors voice over the years has brought a calm and reassurance that I have never felt before, so to many his voice might be deep and sexy, to me that voice is my calm, peace, and my belief in my future. I wish you much success finding the answers to the questions that you seek!

          8. I’m very glad he has helped you. May I ask, are your issues and questions all related to narcissism? I may consider an email consultation after my empath detector. I’m not sure how much he can help me. I have no issues with a narcissist; my issues are with myself. His area of expertise is narcissism. If I am not a narcissist he may not be able to help me.

            Throughout the years I have seen psychiatrists off and on. Unfortunately, the scenario of doctor/patient is like dominant/submissive and I can’t control my sexuality in the sessions and can think of nothing else but how to get him to dominate me and have sex with me. This puts a damper on my sessions so I never really get any help. This paragraph is actually more relative to a conversation I am having with empath007 on this blog, so you may not understand what I am talking about here! Sorry.

          9. I can help, I do more than just assist with the situation with narcissism and narcissists.

          10. Thank you for your response Mr. Tudor. I will complete my empath detector and get those results first. Then I will arrange another consultation from there. Although I don’t know what my questions are other than who am I.

          11. Njfilly
            The things you have spoke of are very similar to the way I think and have behaved since my early teens. I do not feel comfortable going into this any further because it is personal, Mr. Tudor is the only person who has ever been able to figure out what and why I am the person that I am. Can he help you? Absolutely! But don’t mistake HG for the psychiatrists you have dealt with in the past! He is straight forward and can see through anything that is not on the up and up. By that I mean he will give you the answers that you seek and will help you, he will not do the work for you. You must do that on your own. If you think that talking to him will cause you to fixate on him dominating you and having sex with you, then I believe an email consult would best serve you at first. You have to want to do this! Only then will the knowledge that this man has, will work to get you to the place you want to be. I have the utmost respect for Mr. Tudor, I believe going into a consult with him for any other purpose then obtaining and using this knowledge that he has to help you in learning the things that you need to help yourself, is a waste of his time and disrespectful.

            So in saying all of that njfilly, yes Mr. Tudor can most definitely help you Dear. Good luck to you, remember never be afraid to ask questions! 🤗

          12. I apologize if I asked you any personal questions. You don’t need to give me any further details. Yes, he has said he can help me and I will arrange a further consultation after my empath detector. Yes, it will need to be by email, at least at first, as I know I will fixate on him sexually as I already am. I greatly respect Mr. Tudor and would never want to disrespect him or waste his time. I will ask many questions as soon as I know what my questions are. Thank you for your kind comments.

          13. Njfilly
            There is no need to apologize.
            As far as your questions for him, perhaps simply starting out telling him what you have told Empath007 and myself would help him get some idea of where he could start. Also after your empath detector you will probably have further questions regarding those results, I know I did. As far as you fixating on him, you are not alone, I’m sure he has had thousands of readers and commenters doing the same! Lol. That is where his straight forward ness and professionalism comes into play! I wish you tons of luck njfilly and know you will find the answers that you seek.

            Now I have a personal question for you. Is your Gravatar a picture of your horse? I am absolutely horse crazy! She looks like a red chestnut quarter horse?

          14. Thank you for your response and well wishes. I believe I will expand on some of this information in my empath detector. I think it might be relevant. I’m sure Mr. Tudor has many women fixated on him!

            As far as my gravatar, that was my bay Icelandic Pony, Lady Lillian. I am also horse crazy and like to have different breeds of horses. I have owned Quarter Horses, Arabians, a Tennessee Walker, Icelandic, Paint and large miniatures. All my horses are now deceased and I am horseless. It’s a sad state of affairs. Do you own any horses?

          15. Unfortunately no I do not own any horses. I have always wanted one ever since I was a child. I love riding although now I do not really have the time to do so anymore. Although all of the breed of horses that you mentioned above are quite beautiful, I would have loved to have seen the Tennessee Walker.

          16. I’m sorry you never got the chance to own horses but there is still time so you never know. I no longer have time for it myself. His name was Blackhawke and he was an ex show horse and a bit aloof but beautiful and a very comfortable ride. Have a great day!

          17. Njfilly
            I doubt I will ever own one horse, let along multiple horses. I haven’t even gotten a chance to go riding this summer, I haven’t been riding since spring, just like you I simply don’t have the time! There is a farm down the road from me that boards horses, so if I find I need a fix I’ll go there and visit them. I have recently gotten back into photography, which is a hobby I had years ago and had almost forgotten about, so I believe as the leaves start to change colors I should be able to capture quite a few good pictures of the horses amongst the trees. Have a wonderful day njfilly! It was nice talking horse sense with you. 🐎

          18. Wow reading this comment and your comment to me really opened my eyes. I’ve had very few sexual partners (I could count on one hand) so my lack of experience made the experience with the narc seem so much more then it was I think. And you are making me realize I was just seeking his attention with it.

          19. Empath
            I am still trying to put all the pieces together! Myself seeking attention and affection would always lead me to a narcissist. If I was not on his radar he was on my radar. There is truly no one better than a narcissist ( at first ) at giving you attention and affection. It really is radar love!
            I always liked that song. 🤗

        2. NJfilly… in response to you sexualizing HG… I think that pretty much sums up you are not a narc as yo would be worried about you “using” him in some way. Something tells me HG is always holding the cards needed to crush any opponent. haha. Its awesome your getting the empath detector test. Hope it answers questions for you!

          1. Thank you empath007. Yes I’m sure Mr. Tudor is always in control! I will let you know the results when I get them.

  4. This is an excellent article. Probably aside from the thought on missing out on a soul mate, the thought of missing out on an incredible sex was what kept me struggling with ET even though I have already made a decision to not engage and decided to stick to that decision no matter what. With you Sex and the Narcissist book, you showed me that the grass just looks greener because it’s only artificial grass. I would rather stick to my not so perfect but real lawn where I could smell the real smell of grass and feel the real feel of grass and nature. You provide to us everything that we need to disengage from the narcissists with all of your articles and books. We don’t need to go elsewhere, you have everything here.

    1. MP
      SATN is such a mandatory read! Of course we didn’t have sex but the knowledge of the narc’s view of sex was enough to make me stop wanting that. I suppose it’s hard to tell if this would’ve been so easily turned off if we DID have sex, but knowing the way I am, there’s no way I could have stifled the revulsion I felt from that book.

      I read your comments about the soul mate thing in another post as well. Isn’t it so crazy how ET can spin these fantasies in our minds?! I honestly don’t know what dimension in which the narc and I could be “soul mates” yet there I was with these wild thoughts.

      1. So true Joanne! I don’t know either what I was thinking when I believed him to be my soul mate. He would not be the type that I would normally even hang out to be friends with. And the addiction is so true because when he was around I had such a glow in me that people actually notice where I got hit on more times than usual and complimented about my looks even though I haven’t done anything different. Then when he had been gone long enough I literally lost the desire to eat and I could feel the chemical imbalance in me longing for him like I needed him. And all of that happened to me without the sex! I can only imagine how much more difficult it could have been if I had sex with him. That’s why I wondered if I was a co-D but the ED said I don’t have any element of it. I guess the addiction is a different element than codependency.

        1. MP
          It actually is astonishing how closely my feelings match yours. I never said (wrote) this “out loud” but when things started with the narc and I, it was like men were coming out of the woodwork for me. Guys at work were flirting with me which had never happened, a man in the grocery store came from behind the bakery counter to give me a free cupcake “for a beautiful lady.” Just a lot more attention than I was used to. It was as if my pheromones were in overdrive or something. Maybe it has something to do with our egos having been so over inflated that we projected this sense of confidence into the world? I don’t know but the timing is just to close to pass off as coincidence.

          I wasn’t really eating during the whole affair. I was high on adrenaline and anxiety. That carried into the aftermath as well. This “soul mate,” the one who was brought back to me after all this time had passed, is now no more. That emptiness – that extreme longing for him – without the sex😓 That addiction! It is just so intense.

          I am not a huge proponent of pharmaceuticals for an ailment which can be treated first by natural means but MY GOD. With how some women suffer, and with how damaging this addiction can be, I’m starting to wonder and wish for the medical community to come up with some form of pill to ease this. There is no doubt there is brain chemistry involved here, so if medicines can help shut down receptors for things (way out of my depth here) surely this can be addressed in a similar way. I know this is not the end all, be all fix but I think if this were a real thing, at the time I would’ve been first in line for it.

          1. Joanne, it really is remarkable how similar our experiences are. I’m just so happy that it’s now over for both of us and we found our way here.

            I agree with you about some drug to help through that temporary chemical imbalance. If they can do it safely with no side effects that would be really helpful. I have figured out that those intense emotions have only happened to me when a narcissist was involved. They really boost our ego with their idealization and that is probably the high that is so addictive. The more exposed we are the more intense the addiction will be. For now No Contact is the best medicine for it. I couldn’t do cold turkey No Contact so I still stalked him on Facebook and looked at his pictures without contacting him as I read about narcissism here and I got to the point that I don’t even have any interest whatsoever about him. If I ever see him in public I will most likely just look at a different direction like I didn’t see anyone that I know.

          2. MP
            I’m glad it’s over too. And thanks to all the knowledge I have acquired, I know there is little chance of this happening again! I hope someday soon I can reach the full zero impact like you, where I don’t have ANY interest in him. I don’t want him anymore (at all) but there still remains that curiosity….

          3. Hi Joanne, It will come to you too! It’s easier for me because I didn’t get exposed to him that long and we didn’t have any history together. It is harder for you because you have been friends when you were younger. You have done a remarkable job overcoming your ensnarement. I remember when I have read the first post from you it broke my heart. I’m so happy that you are far from that now and back to your normal beautiful self prior to him but much more wiser. I am much more wiser too and though I’m afraid to say that I will ‘never’ get ensnared again, I can confidently say that the likelihood has gotten very small. And if I ever get ensnared again in any way or form, I know that I can call HG. 😊

          4. MP, you’re right – we can never say never – but now we have so much knowledge and armor thanks to HGs work and the support of this amazing community of commenters 💕❤️🤗

  5. Some would say that the sex is so great because it’s the closest thing to intimacy and closeness that you get to feel in that kind of relationship; that is, the sex only seems so incredible because of the contrast between it and everything else. Looking back, I can plainly recognize the golden period and the hoovers that followed it for the illusions they were, but. The sex still feels like it was real, in some small way.

  6. HG, I had a bizarre dream last night that I tried to text my narcissist ex, but you had hacked my phone somehow and prevented the text from going through. I’m interpreting this as symbolic for your teachings creating a barrier against my emotional thinking.

  7. The sex is just a tool to them and they will use it over and over again. They love to use it to hook you then to shelf you. Its a tool for control and leverage but eventually if its used too often it loses its effect.
    The sex can be incredible but shelving really changes it over time to the point its no longer good anymore. How can you fully enjoy sex when its been used to hurt you? You cant fully let go and allow yourself to experience it knowing itll be taken away or that youre not an equal partner in the intimate relationship. Id rather have sex elsewhere or masterbate.
    Using the narc for sex is a joke bc unless youre also a narc itll never stay satisfying due to the emptiness.

  8. I continued not just because of the great sex, but also because if he was still having sex with me then in my mind it meant that he didn’t really love the new IPPS if he was cheating on her too. Stopped because I finally acknowledged to myself that I was just being manipulated and used and that I am worth more than that and deserve better, so much better.

    1. I tried this too with these thought processes. I tried to be the other woman and not care. He still managed to hurt me and make me feel slutty.
      It made me go crazy.

    2. ANK,
      I often felt similar to you in the camp of “oh well if he loved her he wouldn’t be bedding me”….
      And he gets around. Told me he is a sex addict. Sex addict….fuel addict…what is the difference?

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