Hiding From Yourself

HIDING FROM YOURSELF

Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me. I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence. I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness. Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to  now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”

“No.”

“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

 

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105 Comments

  1. Do these doctors know about the work you do on your site. I mean for crying out loud. I don’t need a PhD in psychology to realize you are not changing…. you are who you are Mr.H and you seem to like it.

  2. Until I was 31 2 years ago I knew very little about narcissism, after reading into your content I realise could it be possible that my Biological dad who I believe was a mid range/greater I could of inherited some traits off him? I’ve also dated 2 narcissists in my life, I believe that I’m somewhere between being highly empathetic but also narcissistic too.

  3. HG I know you said that going into therapy has helped you with your awareness,but you also said that putting a Narcissit into therapy can made them more dangerous is that true or maybe I heard wrong.

  4. I see lots of ppl feeling sorry for you 😕 I mean…. ok. But the whole point of therapy is to talk about yourself… if you don’t want to go…. then don’t go. Seems simple enough to me. It’s his job to ask questions that may get you to think about things from a different perspective. He’s actually correct about how others regard us is based on their experience of us (that goes for everyone not just narc)

    Hopefully you are done your sessions now. And got out of them what you wanted too.

  5. I like Dr E. You remember the whole conversation amazingly well, I would imagine word for word, and the gestures and emotions going on at the time as well.

    Empaths are created by narcissists, they are molded to be weak emotionally. Narcissists are very emotional, their world revolves around their emotions. The key for an empath is to do something a narcissist can’t, set down our emotional baggage and leave it behind.

    Are any of the people who caused you to be in therapy empaths?

    You said you go less frequently to see the doctors now. Are you still required to see them, or is it something you do voluntarily now?

    1. The key for an empath is to recognise narcissists and master your emotional thinking, setting down your emotional baggage is along those lines but does not go far enough.

      No, they are not.

      I remain required to see them. It suits me to do so.

          1. Thank you, I did search the zero impact assistance, but it doesn’t explain if it’s reading material or interactive. It is pricier than a verbal consult with you, and while I’m sure it’s worth the cost, I’m wondering if anyone can let me know more about it.

          2. See this sentence from the information about the Zero Impact AP
            “The Assistance Package through a set of audio files will give you clear, concise and easy to understand information, techniques and guidance so you will achieve Zero Impact.”

          3. That picture on Zero Impact- a cold fish: Wiktionary – A heartless individual; a person lacking empathy and emotion. That’s a gross good mental image of a narcissist.

            My narcissist is leaving the office and I’m leaving it too. But still it stresses me out to think of running into him there before I leave. I don’t want to hear any of his joking around insults. I don’t want to ever see him again. I don’t know anything but emotional thinking, and as logical as I’m being, I seem to fall right back into it when I’m around him. I don’t want to attract anymore people like that.

          4. I have to pay several hundreds of dollars in annual licensing fees by the end of the month, not kidding, so I will put zero impact on the agenda. I really haven’t thought of doing these consults and packages before but I think maybe I should. In the meantime I could probably handle the dating consult and it’s probably more pressing. I don’t cry often, but I had a good cry after posting the comment above. Lots of changes going on, I was stressed, it felt good to get it out.

            Do you have a new book coming out soon?

  6. This sounds like a conversation I might have had with an ex. I’ve asked him challenging questions, initially constructively and of concern, then accusingly. I’ve given him clear silent looks of understanding exactly what he’s doing in his duplicity and sketchiness. I’ve wounded him, then provided him challenge fuel and negative fuel. Now, I am completely radio silent and will be forever.

  7. I dont blame you, HG, I would hate this line of questioning. Im sure you well-informed idea who you are. I’d be pissed. I’d find a new Dr, unless you feel you’re achieving your goals, of course

    1. I agree cogra002. I don’t have any education in therapy or psychology, but it looks weird to put a client on the spot like that.

      “Who are you?”
      sounds like a very lazy short question saying
      “You do all the work. Entertain me.”

  8. I find you very facinating HG and intelligent. I asked my new therapist if she knew of you, she didn’t. I’m hoping she knows as much about narcissists as she says she does.

  9. Hello HG. This article made me sad for you. I cannot fathom that being you is easy – for other people or yourself. That is sad. I wonder at times if your childhood had been kinder to you what kind of man would you be – I imagine a wonderful man, spouse and father. You obviously know how to treat others very well so I believe you have what it takes to love greatly but sadly events beyond your control robbed you of such wonderful things and for that I’m sorry – you didn’t deserve what happened to you. I keep you in my prayers – to me you are that great man with a good heart! Thank you for giving me my life back! HUGS

  10. HG do narcissists ever genuinely opened up to anyone and let them see all of you or only what you want them to see

      1. 😢 that’s why you can’t heal !!!
        Sometimes I just want to hug you till all your pieces go back together

  11. This is it!!! The money shot! HG this is the conversation that I would love to have with you… of course I do not want to probe into your private life or anything of the sort. But I want to know so many things…. I want to know what you think when you first meet someone, what do you see in body language, conversation, intellect, how do you know there is fuel to be had. Just like the “good doctors” I find your mind fascinating. You are THAT perfect machine. The one that has been rid of emotion and sees everything from the point of logic. I want to pick your brain. Please walk me through how does one go from “hello, nice to meet you I am HG” to the discard and everything in between. I want 5 minutes into your mind

      1. HG a super attractive actual normal human likes me. I know it. He keeps making excuses to be around me but it’s different than with narcissists because with them you just end up in the same bathroom and no discussion is required. Why is this so hard? I’m only being a smidgen silly. Do I have to act like I need to know which Mac book to buy (he had one in his bag) so that I can manipulate him into coming over and setting up a larger (desktop) screen to use with it? Like act dumb? Or will this ploy change my empath status? He wants to ask but he’s so freaking normal he doesn’t have any game. This is crazy.

        1. 1. Be certain he is not a narcissist and run him through a Narc Detector Consultation as your emotional thinking may be obscuring the picture.
          2. You cannot manipulate him, you are not a narcissist and if he is one, any attempt at manipulation (which will be ham-fisted) will fail.
          3. If he is not a narcissist, then approach him in a normal fashion and talk to him, I am sure your extensive knowledge about shoes and hair products will win him over!

          1. I think he thinks I’m too high maintenance and I get that sometimes which sucks because it’s true to an extent but not like “Green Acres” bad. He is not a narcissist from anything I’ve seen but irregardless he’s younger and I don’t think he will be into in continence undergarments as the lingerie of the night. How do you even match a bra to those? You always match your bra the first time. I’m also too clinically sound to really be dumb enough to pull of the idiocy of a computer set up debacle—it would seem fake and would be because I’m capable of hitting the on button! He is sweet though. Multi-lingual, well traveled, (not from US) and smart. Tall. Always must be tall. I’ll just join the nuns. It’s safer.

          2. You high maintenance Lorelei? Never! You would not like being a nun, you would have to wear a habit and cover your head. No more hair products! Lol.
            Lorelei seriously I understand how you do not know what to say or do with this individual, just be your self! You do not have to try and manipulate him into liking you, he already does. Just make sure you purchase the narc detector!! 😘

          3. I’m not as high maintenance as you think! It is an unjust accusation! I am unfairly accused! I’m not talking to men ever again. I’m done. They all suck and the ones that don’t are ugly or happily entangled. I’m too bananas anyway.

          4. I was going to argue the line about you being to bananas, however I believe I will put into practice what HG has taught me and not wade right into the water without all of the facts! Lol

          5. I’ve actually had them younger, although it was fun at first ( they had much more stamina, then say someone in there mid to late forties early fifties ) mothering them was not something that I wanted to do!

          6. Yeah they can F off too. I’m not that desperate for companionship! Haha. I’ll buy a chihuahua.

      2. Thank you HG I definitely will. Sometimes I think people get so wrapped up in the narcissistic aspect of what you are and forget about the psychopathic part… which is the most fascinating part to me. There is a true difference in your mind as to normal minds. The pain senses in your brain only work when there is physical pain being inflicted on you ( like stubbing your toe) but when you are shown an image of pain on others the pleasure senses in your brain are the ones that turn on. (fuel) All psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths… but I am sure you already know all of this and more… ;) ohhh those 5 minutes… and what I would do with them

        1. I’m not so sure all psychopaths are narcissists. If you caught my LLN in something and confronted him, he’d bluster and argue in 10 different directions. If you caught my high-functioning sociopath in something and confronted him, he’d just laugh. He didn’t have 2 farqs left to give what anyone thought of him. The absence of shame as well as conscience made him easier to deal with.

    1. Mystery—I wonder if there will ever come a time where when HG meets someone he will just save them the trouble and bite the head off a passerby scurrying rodent to save them the seduction and discard process!

      1. That defeats the point of the chase. He knows way before you that you have been chosen. He knows exactly what he is capable of… so what is the fun in biting off your head for no real reason other than some short lived negative fuel of a tertiary source at that point (because he doesn’t know you… he is just in your physical proximity). The thrill of the chase. I want to know when he smells empathy like a shark and circles in what is his criteria for IPPS. He is smart and well off, so I am sure there are specific criteria that he looks for in an IPPS. I have always been fascinated by psycho and sociopaths. In my line of work I see them all the time and I am just mesmerized ( I try not to look the part and I check myself ….eyes, facial expressions, and body language well before I walk in the room, because they can even feel your heart beat fro a far) then I sit there and ask away. They are so few of them, so I take advantage of every-time one is in my presence. You truly dont understand because you only talk to HG on here and hear his voice. But standing in his presence must be mind blowing. So the only safe way to really do this is in a therapy session like the one he described in this article or a phone consult with him. Thats why I want him to walk me though his mind.

          1. Oh HG! Why did you have to go and tell me that? Now I will have to try and calm my heart before I consult with you the next time.

          2. I doubt very much if even they would work HG, besides I couldn’t imagine asking my Dr. to write me a script for beta blockers because I have to consult with a psychopath, who happens to be the only person who has been able to help me figure out who and what I am! I’ll just give you that little bit of fuel. Lol

          3. “Don’t go near the Benzos. Chop a tree down instead and into logs.” What?! HG?! I must have missed something.

          4. HG—beta blockers mask so much in trauma you know.. Something tells me you know more than you say.

          5. It can get complicated but I love having a pharmacist on staff in the department now. He’s bright as hell. It’s been spoiling me.

          6. “…down a telephone line” I believe this to be true. I know mine could. When fuel is your lifeblood, you pick up on everything.

          7. HG
            You could offer a little sugar with that bitter medicine. Wait that’s a different Brit isn’t it? I have no idea how I could get you HG and Mary Poppins mixed up? 🙃

        1. Mystery you say we don’t truly understand and yet I wonder if you truly understand what it is like to be ensnared by a psychopath as I’m sure many on this blog have been?

          1. I unfortunately have been in the tangles of a narcissistic sociopath. Many here have danced with terrible, horrible Narcs. But sociopaths and psychopaths are totally different animals. A true rare breed

  12. I like Dr E i think he knows about narcissism and is a good therapist. Dr O not so much.
    I am curious why your mother would pay for your therapy HG bc youre not a teen or youth. She definitely treats you like a child. I get narcissists need to control but why is this therapy so important to her. Was it something you did that led her to feel she needed to force you into therapy? Was it criminal in nature? I hope in time you write more about this thx

      1. HG your Mother does not know she is a narcissist, is that correct? I only ask because I couldn’t imagine a narcissist knowing what they are sending there child to a therapist?

          1. HG,
            I remember you stating your mother is an Upper Midranger.
            I believe my daughters father is an Upper Lesser Sociopath, and his sister is an Upper Midranger Elite. She pulls the “Don’t you know who I am? Everyone knows me!” card a lot.
            I already knew her before I was dating my daughters father. But when him and I got together he told me that there was an argument between them, and they both need space. When I realized he was a sociopath I reached out to her. She said, “I will never talk to that guy again (her own brother), he is a Narcissist”.

            I am wondering if it was for facade management or if she or any Upper Midranger could really spot a Narcissist?

            In both of their minds, they both went “No Contact” from eachother. It blew my mind how easy it was for both of them to disown their own sibling. Harder for an Empath.

          2. Unaware narcissists bandy around the accusation of narcissist very readily when they have acquired some information about the subject. If they are correct, it is through good fortune than any inherent ability to distinguish.

          3. Thank you for the response, HG. Come to think of it, I believe the narc sister said that her therapist told her he was a narcissist. What you described is 100%

          1. Are you a problem or is she HG? I’m glad my mother is fabulous. She’s kind, fair, validating and whole. Much more so since my father died. He wore her out and i just never knew. Nor does she. He was a disaster of a person and impacted me terribly.

          2. No not socially— I mean this place, this niche, this everything.. I’ve graduated from thinking you truly behave in an odd manner. I really thought you were likely bizarre until more recently.

          3. I know, I get it! But she stole the best emotion from you. Love ❤️ I love you Mr.H ❤️

          4. Just curios (no need to answer if it’s too personal) but do you still have a relationship with your mother? Or have you disengaged?

            Have SM and other past girlfriends met her?

          5. Mom sounds like a bitch. But HG is a grown man now and would not need Mid Ranger Mom paying for these sessions.

            HG, do you have a specific article about your dad? Was he an unhappy man, given his choice of spouse?

          6. There are numerous articles through my books which deal with aspects of my father.
            Was he unhappy? Logically, he had to be.

          7. HG, I am curious, have present or past girlfriends ever been blinded by your Matrinarc’s facade? Or do they see through her strait away? Or do you let them know in advance of her ways?

          8. They are blinded until her attempts at control become obvious. That does not happen every time.

          9. Thank you for your reply, HG. That makes sense and I’m glad at least some of your GFs grasped the situation and perhaps understood what you have endured. Having a sense of who SM may be, I am pretty confident she would deal with Matrinarc quite deftly.

      2. She is that confident they won’t get deep and truth be told why you are the way you are. She knows and so do you!

    1. Dr E has first hand experience in the narcissism department. Not sure what’s up with Dr O, she seems a little lacking in the empathy department as well. Always love to hear HGs storys about these two.

        1. I’m glad you like it Lorelei, the pose and arrangement contains heavy symbolism.
          Whilst fuel always flows from me, appearing on any narcs radar, I’m shielded by knowledge and insight and power, provided by HGs umbrella.

          1. My pleasure! I have an eye for photography that I like and this is a great launching pad for planting visions in my head! I actually need an umbrella today! I’m excited—headed to an intimate partner violence conference with a focus on vulnerable communities today. What I think is that we are all vulnerable. Just differently. I may not get my head smacked off by a hand but had my life eviscerated by bullshit. Who is really vulnerable? Vulnerability is a smoke screen to protect the mid ranger behavior by illuminating the behavior of the lesser. I say blow all the fuck wads out of the water. I do have a cute dress-up jumpsuit to wear but it’s a bitch to take off in the bathroom:)

          2. Lorelei,

            “I may not get my head smacked off by a hand but had my life eviscerated by bullshit. Who is really vulnerable? Vulnerability is a smoke screen to protect the mid ranger behavior by illuminating the behavior of the lesser. I say blow all the fuck wads out of the water.”

            I do enjoy your comments.

          3. Glad you do whocares. I had to ditch the jumpsuit though! I was never going to be able to pee!

    2. Narcissist love sending/paying for others to attend therapy, and telling others around them about the therapy, and the generous contribution of helping others “get help”. To a Narc, it’s worth it’s weight in gold.

    3. However, some narcissistic parents will fight therapy if it isn’t their idea. No control of the situation, and afraid of exposure

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