Tenacity

TENACITY

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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17 Comments

  1. Wow!! This is too real. Makes me sick in a way bc it is a dark, twisted reality. Sometimes I hate how empathic I am. A narc will parade you around like a dog and pony show, then leave you high and dry. Destroying every fiber of your being and riding off in the sunset like you never existed.

  2. Its taken me the best part of a year to finally let go of my hope and tenacity. What has made it so difficult for me is having no-one to be able to share my thoughts with – my Narc and I had an illicit ‘relationship’.

  3. I welcome comments, insight, personal experience and so forth through your comments, so do feel free to share.

    So… Here goes :

    Susanne AMOR PROPIO
    JUST A SURVIVOR…

    I am getting to that point of understanding why it is so difficult for us empathic persons.
    And every day I understand more about the perspective of the NP.

    I can understand that a high level NP is aware of it all and Therefore they are so good skilled in what they do and why they are able to do what they do.

    How is a middle NP able to do all this, doing this instinctively??? Not being full aware!?
    Is it working like a defense mechanism , like in nature with the animals?

    They just do, and emotional thinking does not exist in there life, because it’s surviving what they do.

    Animals sleep breed kill and eat to survive.
    So something happened in there youth or a past life where they had to switch over in survival Mode to protect themselves and they stayed in that survival-mode?..

    I am just thinking out loud… I am a empathic person and I like to know, it’s interesting and I am curious…

    Everything what you describe about the way “we” feel think and experience all is very near my case, obviously… 😉

    Though I am able to manage it differently by observing myself…. And doing a lot of inner work.

    I do NOT look at soc media do NOT investigate about him or his life. Took distance from the same soc group, deleted phone numbers of his mom and brother and some friends in comun.
    I have feelings about wanting to take revenge or telling his environment about him, warning other víctims or his exes his family….

    I feel how my ego comes up when I think about what he will be telling about me and the need to clear my name….

    I feel how I have difficulties about trusting en general, very aware of it.

    The need I have to be heard and understood by my environment my family friends and my Lovely kids…

    The sadness and frustrations anger of all that I am realizing what happened the last 3 years what I have lost, the isolation from my kids and with myself, work trust etc etc….

    The false illusions, , letting him into my life, my heart, my soul… trusting him.

    The auto destructions, being angry with myself, how could I not have seen…

    The guilt about choosing him above my kids….
    Choosing him above All…

    And now paying that price….

    All that and more, what you HG describe in so many incredible details, is like you walked my path and of all the víctims….

    Imagine all that what you know, AND FEELING IT at THE SAME TIME.
    ………………………………… 😉

    I am happy for you you cannot feel it because then YOU PERHAPS would not be able to write so much about it…. I Imagine… Though that is just another supposition of mine of course…

    And then there is my POINT BREAK…

    As my emotional thinking complicates my life in MANY ways my capacity of my awareness also helps me to use them to my benefit.

    TO BE ABLE TO HEAL YOU NEED TO FEEL WHAT YOU NEED TO Heal, so I permit myself to cry, to be angry to feel my frustrations etc….

    Because of understanding now that I do was a victim and I was not responsible neither guilty of what was done to me, I was not loosing it or getting crazy helps me a lot. It gave me just enough of power to be able to do a little step forward.

    I have done some previous inner work so I understood that getting out of this, my recuperativo, it IS necessary to take Full responsibility of that.

    YES IT IS TERRIBLE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS YOUR PARTNER LEFT YOU, IT’S TERRIBLE TO SEE THAT THEY GET AWAY WITH IT, EVERY TIME…, THAT THEY DON T STOP, THAT THEY TRY TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE OR HAVE…, THAT REVENGE WILL NOT WORK THEY WILL BE GETTING FUEL AGAIN FROM YOU….
    NOTHING WORKS WHAT WOULD WORK WITHIN OUR WORLD AND OUR LOGIC…
    Because THERE LOGIC IS THE CONTRARY OF OURS. IT S PERVERS.

    It’s the biggest lesson until now that life has given me, about self love, self acceptance, letting go, detachment, acceptance and respecting other people’s thinking, there processes and paths they walk in life and so much more….

    I LEARNED NOW THAT I CAN NOT CONTROL Anything, NOT ANYBODY OUTSIDE OF ME. NOT WHAT OVERCOMES ME, NOT MY KIDS THINKING AND BEHAVIOUR NOT EVEN A NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATHIC BEHAVIOUR
    NOTHING AND NOBODY!

    I can only control myself, my thoughts, my behaviour my emotions my everything…

    It’s not about not having bad times but about how we overcome them…. 😉

    It’s so hard, so difficult so complexed and I disgus what happened to me and I feel all what HG writes about. EVERY EMOTION EVERY THOUGHT AND EVERY LITTLE DETAIL….
    Though to get out of this “black-hole” I know I need to accept it.

    EVERYTHING!!!!! 😃

    ACCEPTING does not mean that I like it nor that I agree, but to start my healing process it’s necessary to ACCEPT that this is what is happening.

    Not more no less it’s what there is….

    And there is where our BIG issue is. And there is where is our BIG work of growing and learning, accepting , letting go and so on and so on.. And that’s why it’s so incredible complicated for us emotional thinking persons…

    With love Susanne ✨

    1. Dear Susanne, I feel your pain, but there is hope and you are in safe hands ( how ironic is that?) HG is a master and he will show you what to do. It sometimes feels like there is darkness all around but stick with his programme and In time you will heal and live life on your own terms again💜.

      1. Hi J&L thanks for your commend.
        What program you refer to?

        And did you take a consult with HG?

        Greetings Susanne ✨

  4. in the middle of a series of bad decisions i took only one verry good decisions, i never run after him.
    He said farwell, and for me it was a farwell, even not knowing what he was or what he is doing, i at least understood that taking him back would mean giving up my dignity and accepte that i’m an object he could pick and leave whenever he want.
    I’d rather die, and suffer thousand deaths forever than have a man treat me like an object. my father, my brother and all the men dear to me never disrepected me, there is no way i’d allow an rodom guy belittle me, it would be even a disrespect to them, not only me.

    1. Then you are one of the lucky ones. You did not experience the trauma bond and waste half of your life with someone who could never love you.

      1. Lisa H Owens,
        it is true i was lucky, i think that i got the vaccine, not the actual desease.
        i know that many of you stood no chance from the start, especially those who have abusive parents, and i fully understand that it is not the same cicomstances.
        and it was the more reason for me to refuse his minde games, i have no excuse, letting my self be fooled again would be just weasknes and refusal to improve.

  5. Do all narcissists always consider the “relationship” they have with another person, during devaluation and discard and then hoovering and even afterwards, to simply be a continuation of one long saga?

    Or are there some narcissists who consider the devaluation and discarding of a primary fuel to be the absolute end of everything with that person, and any subsequent hoovering to be the beginning of a new chapter of golden period?

    I assume it’s the former than the latter, but I’m curious.

      1. I’m imagining a Venn diagram with lots of circles (Narcissists) and me in the center where they all overlap! How many fuel matrices am I unwittingly in until death?!? On my way over to Lucidchart!

      2. We’re just a name in their list of previous victims. A numbers game of which they’re bound to get ahold of one of us. That’s how we are theirs. Nothing more than that. A dose of amphetamine when they’re low on it. There’s nothing romantic or personal about it.

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