The Narcissist and Marriage
Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remain a celebration.
It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?
- It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:
“I think we should get married at some point.”
“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”
“We ought to get married next year.”
“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to be married.”
“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)
“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”
There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-
a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;
b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;
c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;
d. Mentioning it to family and friends;
e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;
f. Considering where to have the wedding list;
g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;
h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.
Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.
2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.
3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.
4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”
Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.
5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).
6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.
7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There is a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.
8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel from start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.
It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.
9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.
10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.
11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.
12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.
It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.
Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.
If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.
59 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Marriage”
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Once a friend was told by the partner “Divorce is not an option”. They also ensured that their ‘residual benefits’ were protected so they would not end up empty handed (property, assets etc). It was not about ‘control’ in the relationship, it was about ‘control’ for themselves, effectively retaining their ‘power’ as individuals within that relationship. Their marriage works because the future of the ‘prime aims’ were secure. It’s also based on trust, supporting and protecting each other through life, neither of them are in ‘control’ of the other person. They have been together for a long time.
As a long-term DE DLS, I often wondered what he saw in her. We were both professionals in the same post-graduate field, but I was FAR more physically attractive. I once saw a photo of her, and he immediately said, “It’s not the best picture.” LOL He liked to take me out and show me off. I’m GOSO, good luck to her and the two children she had during our DE DLS affair.
Hg,
Most mariages with narcissist seems to be a prescription to catastrophy in the long term.
Any marriage with a narcissist is a prescription towards catastrophe Cloudy, as is any intimate ensnarement and many non-intimate ones also.
HG—are you sometimes miffed by (for example) the behavior of narcs in your life? Not family—but colleague types or friends/acquaintances? Well—I know they irritate you as you have expressed an almost irritant toward them, but observing their shenanigans.. What is the experience like vs. just normals/empath dealings? Say an office smear campaign and you see it for what it is. (I’m the days you were in such an environment) Do you ever experience an almost shaking of your head? Like, “Stupid fucks at it again..”
Not so much miffed but yes I will be contemptuous of the behaviour, I usually am, but whether I show it, depends on the circumstances because of my level of intelligence and the way my narcissism has evolved, I am capable of applying the most appropriate response that not only attends to what I need but also to “fit in” and thus achieve the bets result.
Here’s a real life example of a MR narc lovebombing and jumping into marriage (his third one at that)
https://www.theknot.com/us/laura-mortensen-and-mark-westbrook-sep-2019
Great article
Gypsy Heart , you havent had it easy but congrats on being strong ! I give you a lot of credit. I thank you for your advice everyone here has been wonderful. HG is amazing and I am learning a lot through his work. Knowledge is power and I read every single day. Last night I listening to HG’s videos. Mind games part 1 and 2 helped tremendously! Hugs to you !
Pati,
You are strong too! Just remember “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Swim to the side instead of against the current putting some distance between you and the narcissists your drowning in. Take a moment to catch your breath and keep swimming! A bunch of us are on the shore line cheering you in. We just wish we had a motor boat to come get you. Oh wait it looks like HG is gassing one up. He’s waiting for the signal to come get you. Meanwhile I have no doubt you are a strong swimmer!
Gypsy Heart I am tears now( sniff sniff ) I love to swim and I know I will eventually cross that Emotional Sea one day. I will meet you all at the shore ! Till then I will only dream of it.
Do narcissists always marry victims, or is there ever some reason why a narcissist would marry another narcissist? (And for example have affairs with empaths on the side?) Or is that just not feasible?
1. No.
2. Yes and yes.
I believe both of my inlaws are Narcissist especially my father in law. No empathy what’s so ever. HG watching both of them I am surprised they are still married.
On my wedding day I was getting ready in my princess ballgown my mother in law to be called me on the phone and wanted to speak with me. I thought she want to wish me luck. Do you know what she told me you will never believe it .She said every man will cheat on their wife!!!! I said I beg your pardon she repeated herself. I had to go because the make up artist was here ,but when I look back now 23 years later why would she say that to a Bride? To top it off my N father in law to be didnt even attend our wedding . Sorry HG I had to get this one out.
In my situation as the DLS, my EX-N#3 is married to a narcissist. I don’t believe he will ever leave her because his in-laws are wealthy. They are always taking them on international vacations, pay rent, car payments if they can’t and buy them groceries and supplies every month. He likes that lifestyle. She wont leave him because he holds a steady job, when she can’t seem to keep a job for long and has left many jobs on bad terms. She puts up with all his DLSs’,and makes the other womens life hell while maintaining her own DLSs’
Wow! I know finances plan a huge role Gyspy Heart, I would honestly feel more happy and have less. But sometimes people marry for money it’s a shame. Hugs xoxo
Pati
Oh, I believe it. Your MIL maligned hoovered you on your wedding day to draw negative fuel; she deployed triangulation, projection and smearing and it looks like your FIL pulled an AST and triangulation. Welcome to the family.
Holy shit K you couldn’t have explained it better it took me 23 years to figure it out f****.
Thanks a million big hugs to you !
You are very welcome Pati!
You will find all your answers and support here on narcsite. Big hugs to you too!
If your husband is disrespecting you, in front of your BIL, and your BIL remains silent then that is indicative but not determinant. It’s invalidation/gas lighting. You are being belittled and you are not worth defending. You need to make a plan and escape and you are in the right place to do that.
Thank you K I need to escape yes ,I have kids and work from home now (with him) I made a mistake and left my full time job. He does all.the finances . Just awful.he controls everything,I still spend money and and try take care of myself. However this marriage is Terrible. No intimacy at all. Also he blameshifts me and tells me I am not in the mood. I cant take it anymore I hate him. My mom knows I am not happy I havent told her details she wouldnt understand Narcissim . My mom doesn’t like my husband but she tells me to stay for the kids . 3 of them are adults but I have a little one still. They adore my husband , it’s just difficult my situation is very hard. I wanna leave so bad.i fake it everyday. I feel guilty because I dont like faking I am an honest person and I feel like I am talking behind his back.
Thank you K for listening to me. Hugs xoxo
My pleasure Pati
I am here to listen and validate you. Read as much as you can and be very careful who you talk to about your situation. Focus on yourself and your youngest child. You need to vent and work through your feelings and there is no need to feel guilty about that. Your marriage is abusive and untenable and you need to make a plan. It’s going to take some time and it won’t be easy. Read and post your way through this. Use Angel Assistance; it’s there to help you and, honestly, I think you need all the help you can get, so take advantage of it.
You are safe here. Hugs xoxox.
I would just leave!!!!!!!!!
Oh and K I am dealing with my inlaws both N and my husband N not sure if my brother in law is I am suspecting he is since when his brother is disrespecting me he says nothing. I need to get the f out ! I am drowning in Narcs if I don’t get out I will soon suffocate to death.
Dear Pati
K is very good indeed with her comments. She sees it.
However, I will go one further. Your MIL deliberately chose that specific time to do the malign. Brides are always up against it time wise on the wedding day. She knew by ringing then shes causing you max distress at a time when you need to be very calm. I.e having your makeup done.
What a fucking bitch.
You’re still married to this arsewipe, aren’t you? Time to go. You deserve a far better life than this x
Hi Renarde ,
Yes I am still with him. I need to leave long overdue ! She is a bitch with that comment. Just because my FIL did that to her .I cant stand her either . My situation is difficult! There are kids involved, I have no where to go. I am a mess . I pray to god to help me leave !
Thanks for you advice
Hugs xoxo
God won’t help you. I will.
Your right HG ,I dont know what I was thinking! I know you will help me (100%).I am just confused and my ET takes over . I wish I was a N so I wont have these fricken emotions.
HG you have already helped me more than you know .
I can do more
If course you can your HG! I know I need to do a set of consultations and I WILL!!!! I am waiting for the right moment and Finances . By next year this time my goal is to be free.
Pati. Use Angel Assistance. That is what it is there for.
Thank you Kim. there is probably a huge waiting list and people probably need it more than me. I will save up for it . Hugs xoxo
Pati,
That is your ET talking. You need it just as much as the others on the list. Please get on the list.
HG,
Is the Angel Assistance fund running low on money?
thank you
It has people queued waiting for assistance.
HG….how are the funds for it?
Empty. That is why people are queued, Kim.
HG…well that truly is not right. I am going there as I type to put some much needed funds in the pot. Maybe a post is needed to let others know this. I assumed there was alway money. Maybe others do also. Kills me to know there are people out there that need the help and can not get it. As messed up as I am, I consider myself lucky compared to some others.
Kind of you to donate. There is always a demand which outstrips supply, Kim. Such is the need for help and the popularity of the assistance which I provide.
Kim you are a true Empath! ❤
Pati,
You are correct. I am an empath. I have been told by HG that I am mainly a geyser empath. So if I go on and on and on with you telling you that I am worried about you and how I think you should fix it, please forgive me. Just means something/someone has uncorked my geyser and out it is gonna come.
So one more time, please put your name on the list for angel assistance. It is a list. If your trun comes up and you are not ready, fine. But put your name on it so you can stop making excuses for him and get the F out. Your kids will, in the lonmg run, love you for it as their TRUE mother will come out.
Hi Kim , you are not going on and on I am the same way. However I need to do an Empath Detector too (curious to see)
I would give the same advice to you as well. I appreciate everything . My kids for some reason have a good relationship with their father. I don’t know how that happened or perhaps I let it happen.
But I come to realise he must use them for Fuel.
He does everything for them! You would never know he is a N.
I will definitely take your advice though thank you again!
Hi Kim,
It is my emotional thinking you are right sweetheart ,however I always put peoples needs ahead of mine. I am sure they are other people in a worse situation than me. Thank you for thinking of me ! If I truly need it I will go on the list I dont llke asking though.
Big big hugs to you xoxo
Pati,
Please put your name on the list dear, the angel fund was created for anyone who needs help that is in a relationship ( not just romantic ) with a narcissist and has trouble putting the funds together for a consult. Looks like you fit the criteria. In the meantime you are doing exactly what you should be doing, reading and listening to HG and all of the knowledge he has to give. Don’t forget Pati, one step at a time, one day at a time. You will get there. 🤗
This blog is what’s keeping me together right now FM1T, have you ever gone on the list ?
I will think about it and email HG. Thank you so very much ! 😁
Pati ,
This blog has been my sanctuary for years. If it would not have been for HG and this blog, I would not be here to corres
Well said FM1T!
Sorry Pati WP is playing games again! HG and this blog saved my life! I started consulting before Angel Assistance was available, unfortunately I had to squirrel money away to be able to afford a consult at that time. After becoming better financially I was able to have them more often. So if you are asking me if I would have used Angel assistance, yes I would have, and so should you sweetie. We are here for you if you need us. 🥰
Ask for the help you need.
Dear Pati.
God has answered. HG. (And me too of course).
Do you know school and cadre? If not, get a consult. Its vital you know this so you can take the appropriate step.
Kids though are very important and also not important. Important to your mind but not his. Take this. Grasp it and move forward. You are not depriving the children of their father, you are keeping them away from a monster.
Think of it in those terms and the rest will fall into place. Ok?
Thank you so very much Renarde I appreciate your advice well taken! Yes he a N a midranger.
Hugs to you xoxo
Pati,
Thank you for responding to my comments. Also, K and Renarde, thank you for your insightful comments to Pati.
It is difficult to leave a narcissist, especially when finances and children/coparenting is involved. Pati, I hope you are able to make your escape sooner than later. Financial issues were of concern when I was making my escape. EX-N#3 convinced me it would never be an optimal time to leave abusive N#2, and I just needed to do it. I went to stay with him and his narcissist wife for the first month.
The gaslighting and his constant pawing at me made it neccessary for me to go stay at a safehouse for three months. It was both the worst and best experience of my life. At 3:00am when I couldn’t sleep and law enforcement would bring in a new abused victim, I would listen to her for hours then go get ready for work. It took my mind off my own situation. I was also able to save up money to be on my own. I struggle with finances now but am happier being on my own. Im rediscovering myself again. Pati I truly hope you are able to make your escape and live the life you were meant to live.
The more comical side to this story was watching what I now know are narcissists in this group. They would try to steal each others partners and would end up doing a swap. They were both the victor of the woman being suduced and the loser of the woman being devalued.
They often played rowdy games of hit each other in the balls. They were always looking for the other to let their guard down and you would see an object being thrown at the open guys nut sack. Sometimes theyd get each other in a headlock and be completely defenseless because they were still protecting their nether regions. It was quite amusing seein these guys walk around or sitting on the couch always protecting the family jewels!
My pleasure Gypsy Heart,
We are all here to support each other.
8 months after our first date we got married. I was pregnant with our first child on our wedding day. It came so fast! I dont regret having my child, but I regret getting married so fast .How could I have been so stupid ! Now I am still with him . Easy to get ensnared hard to get out ! I feel like I am locked away in prison with this person. He is so miserable. HG maybe I should buy him broadway tickets to see Les Miserables but I dont think they are playing where I live.
You can leave this man Pati! You really can.
Thank you Renarde,this is my plan . It just going to take longer than I thought.
Unfortunately it always does when you plan it .
Rooting for you!
Awww thank you sweety !
“This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect.”
Just read this and I’ve had a good old rant and rave. The fucking ‘Pinnacle Effect’. My Stars!
I’m still really jolly angry at this. Really I am.
Very angry indeed.
I have always thought of wedding ceremonies as some sort sacrifice ritual, it seems that with a narcissist it is the case.
even if the persons are non narcissists, geting maried is just having to solve together problems you would never have had, if you were alone.