Surely, That’s The End, Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
Wrong.
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
We will.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
6 thoughts on “Surely, That’s The End, Yes?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I’ve felt the same way. After the way we left things how could he possibly want me back, or anything to do with me ever again! I made it clear that I believed he or his wife or both were responsible for terrorizing me and criminal activity beyond that which he knows law enforcement are involved. One of their minions even tried to run me off the highway! Ihave exposed him at work and on social media. He and his wife have been trying to smear me to ex husband and anyone who will listen. The last week before I was fired from work because of this drama he pleaded with me to stop. I told him you stop, I stop!
But now I wonder….one of their minions is trying to contact me. She only does this when I have been silent and no one knows what is up with me. It is either for him or for his wife’s DLS that she is mutual friends with or both. I have entered some one’s sphere of influence, I just don’t know which one!
She sent me a picture on messenger after all these many months of a gal in a Dorothy costume with her dog in a lion costume. I thought about sending her a picure of Alice in wonderland with a white rabbit. Better judgment got the best of me and I decided no response at all is the most appropriate course of action. I certainly feel like saying “Toto I dont think we’re in Kansas anymore” and I certainly feel like I’m “down the rabbit hole “! Well all I have to say is (and Jewel says it best) “Goodbye Alice in wonderland, and you can keep your yellow brick road”!!!!!!!
I’m sure stuck on this one.
I understand from the perspective of the narc, that it’s never over.
But mine is smart. Wickedly bright, impressively so! To say that his intelligence is intimidating would be an understatement. He is MAGNIFICENTLY intelligent. It is the most attractive thing that I have ever seen, enjoyed or been intoxicated by. It is something! Out of this world something!
So, in regard to that, he knows not only that I’m on to him. He knows that he could NOT make me lose my cool. He knows that I never displayed jealously. He knows that my adoration was absolute. He knows that I was completely and devastatingly in love with him.
Boring right? I offered no negative fuel! Felt…YES! But never given.
He has no way back in.
He can’t tempt me into a fight, I won’t grant it.
He can’t entice me with jealousy, I won’t show it.
He can’t reinstate the golden period, he knows, that I know, that it’s fraudulent.
He can’t say sorry, he knows I won’t buy it.
He can’t say he misses me, as he’s disappeared for 7 months as a ghost and knows I won’t believe that.
He has no negative fuel to extract from me (little does he know how close I was to boiling point and absolute eruption) and he has no postive fuel to gain either (as for all intensive purposes, I am presenting perfect happiness to all who know us mutually).
He knows I have rebuilt my relationship with my long term partner and that I have been completely forgiven and for the world to see, everything is better than perfect.
He knows my partner WILL act upon his return.
How can he possibly attempt a come back?
I did ‘think’ I saw him drive past my work place the other day. He was in a different car, but I could swear that it was him. He drove right past where I was parked, as I was on my dinner break and have to smoke off premises.
Someone did make an attempt to access my son’s old Facebook account with many incorrect log in attempts. And someone I don’t know did try to add me on Facebook (before I was a member of any FB Narcissist groups).
There have been a few ‘odd things’. But they could all be unrelated to him.
I don’t think it’s possible for him to try to get back in with me, I just don’t see how he actually could from his perspective.
Also, he seemed to hate it that I wasn’t thick. It was a bone of contention many times. He initially seemed to like me because of it, but it became somewhat of a thorn in his side.
I would end up feeling ashamed, of being at least moderately capable of thought and in the end, I tried to actively hide that I was.
What is there to come back to?
He has no way to know that I am still completely in love with him. No way to know that I view him as the absolute love of my life.
He can’t know that. He has been presented with anything I can think of that would present the exact opposite of that. He has been presented with the illusion that he was completely forgettable to me.
How could be possibly counter that?
And more over, why would he bother?
Love has nothing to do with common sense and the reality of what he led me to, Narcissism, is not something that can continue to be explored.
The Narcissist condition confuses me utterly.
HG, should I stop seeing our mutual friends who are absolutely lovely to me? I love them dearly. I am due to meet them for dinner and drinks this Wednesday night. Should I go and present an impenetrable and happy me, or should I just cancel and let them go?
Your comment contains a lot of emotional thinking which is driving these various questions and also causing you to underestimate the risk. You are imposing your worldview on the view of the narcissist. This is understandable, but it is an error.
You should arrange to consult and I will help you.
I just read my post again and I can see that you’re right HG.
I really hate 3am. I was really hoping this part of it was gone It’s so frustrating.
It’s important you at least recognise what I’ve stated.
It is and I do.
You are not wrong. I know that. My way of thinking that everything is ultimately understandable is my undoing.
How can anyone change who they are though? I see butterflies, never the storm clouds!
Sometimes I’m certain that I’ve got this, just too easily! I can actually feel that I do! I observe a memory or a thought and it’s all ok. I feel nothing but acceptance and personal growth and strength! I wave goodbye to my dear friend and have nothing but warmth for his life and are grateful for the wonderful feelings that he resurrected in me.
Other times, my body and my mind betray me and I can feel the thoughts or memories and I’m wracked. Reverted right back to a crippled darn mess, trying to piece it all back together again.
Again and again! A rollercoaster.
I almost get there!! To the summit!! On occasion it is so!
Especially of late!
And then I remember yet another odd conversation between us and I obsess over how it just made no sense at all, but maybe if I just view it from a different angle, or that angle, or another and then all of a sudden, I’m twisted right back up again! I keep remembering a sly smirk here or there, that I hadn’t considered previously and that one little detail changes my entire outlook of a previously closed memory.
What a monumental mistake! I hope he bloody chokes on his false teeth!
But of course, not really, god damn it!!!
And just like that, back to the pharmacist we go! I will also take this moment to point out that I have much distaste at the Big Pharma industry so I’m twice annoyed at my own, self inflicted predicament!
As always, I appreciate this venting space HG.