The Narcissist Knows Your Weaknesses

 

THE NARCISSIST KNOWS YOUR WEAKNESSES

 

 

Do you remember those early, heady days when I first began to seduce you? Of course you do. Those moments have been branded into your memory and can never be erased, no matter how hard you try. So wonderful were those initial months of our courtship as we began our dance together that you cannot help but recall them and feel that bittersweet tinge. Many times as you have fought through your devaluation and discard you have harked back to those magical moments as you sought some kind of solace from them. Somehow, as you sat with tear-stained cheeks you would force a smile through the misery as you latched on to remembering the things that I said to you, those beautiful, loving and mesmerising words which gripped your heart and took it heavenward. It was impossible to resist the love-bombing which I unleashed upon you and similarly it is impossible for you to banish those memories as you sit amongst the debris of our relationship wondering what on earth has happened. You can easily be forgiven for seeking refuge from the misery amongst those golden thoughts. It is the obvious thing to do to try and take away the searing pain which now burns you. Naturally, this is all something which I planned and is a natural consequence of becoming entangled with me. Do not feel any shame in the fact that you keep running to those thoughts and taking hold of them as you seek to ease your agony. Keep doing it. All the others did and all the others will.

As you walk through those wonderful thoughts and memories, replaying our time together like an incessant loop of our “best of” moments do you recall what else you did during this seduction? Can you remember something else that was happening as we created these scintillating memories? Yes I know you can remember, how could you forget? It was one of the many things that I did for you which drew you closer to me and made you fall oh so deeply in love with the illusion. What was it that I did? I made you feel safe. I created that sanctuary and opened the door and ushered you in. I showed you how this gleaming and beautiful paradise was impregnable to the wretched and woeful world beyond. I assured you that being in here with me meant that you need never worry about those things again. I would keep the wailing tormentors from your door and ensure that those things did not trouble you any more. That was the sole condition for entry into this haven that I had constructed for you. Tell me about those things so I can shield you from them. You had never had someone make such a sacrifice for you before. The way we understood how badly those things affected you. We really seemed to grasp the impact that those things had had upon you as we listened with patience and comprehension. You were hesitant at first, the mere act of recollection being one that caused you consternation. You had no issue in confiding in us, no that was not the issue. We had banished any concerns you may have had about trusting us with these secrets within moments, such was our assured charm. No, what troubled you was bringing those dark memories, those fragile foibles to the surface once again. Yet as the words came from your mouth and the tears trickled down your cheeks you felt the cathartic effect of off-loading all of those things to us. From the minor concerns through to the deep-seated and life changing troubles you conveyed each and every one to us and it felt wonderful to do so. The burden came away from you and for the first time ever you felt freedom from those things as you passed the baton onto us and we readily took it from you. You exorcised those ghosts and stepped into our sanctuary elated and delighted to have been able to purge those things from yourself and embrace a new start with us. For too long those things had held you back. For too long you had walked a rocky road alone, stooped and bent double under the weight of your concerns. There had been others but you did not feel able to share the load as you did with me. I was different. There was something about me which made you feel like you could tell me anything and everything and I would deal with it. I would flex those angelic wings and extend them to surround and protect you. Unburdened by those things you walked taller, felt stronger and you had me to thank for this process. Your gratitude and admiration flowed incessantly and I was only too happy to wash myself in this fountain of praise although in keeping with the personae I had created I accepted your compliments with humble acknowledgement. You entered my sanctuary and told me all your weaknesses.

This was achieved in such a way that you felt no shame in telling me them. That was another difference. You knew I would not judge you for them. You knew I would not regard you as silly or stupid for having certain concerns.

“It is how you regard them that matters, not how everyone else views them.”

You remember that sentence and how you seized it with great gladness, thankful that at last somebody understood and recognised how to deal with your concerns. Your confidence in me was absolute and I even made it seem as if actually liked your weaknesses and that gave you great comfort.

All I was doing as you sat there on those many occasions where you shared your concerns, your vulnerabilities and weaknesses with me (for they did not all come out in one session, no, it took weeks of careful extraction on many different occasions to amass them all) was stockpiling my armoury. Your admission that you cannot swim and thus are terrified of deep water was moulded into a missile. Your explanation that you were bullied at school because you had short hair arising from having to have it shorn because your brother poured glue over your head one time became a hand grenade. The fact your suffer a noticeable red flush across your chest and neck when you feel agitated created a bullet. Your confession that you suffer excessive wind formed another bullet. The abuse you suffered at the hands of a family member when you were eight became a thermonuclear device ready to detonate at a later date. Each and every weakness, from your inability to resist eating a packet of biscuits in one sitting through to your fear of public speaking was noted, recorded and fashioned into a weapon. You thought you were safe in the sanctuary. That was just an illusion. You were actually sat in my armoury and I was there with you creating these weapons to use against you at a later date. Each weakness you admitted to me you thought you were handing to me for me to carry on your behalf. The reality was you were giving me the material from which I could create a weapon – be it a sharp stick with which to prod you or a nuclear missile to obliterate you. You thought it was some form of absolution but all you were doing was arming me.

I always want to know about your weaknesses. Your weaknesses become forged into my strengths in readiness for the war of devaluation that I shall wage against you. Keep talking, there is an arsenal to be created.

 

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63 Comments

      1. Oh, sounds like fun. I was wondering, while watching the magnificent view of autumn in all its full glory from my office window, when you will recite again for us. Please? We need more poetry…

  1. My female (possibly mid range) Narc literally asked to trade mine and her strengths and weaknesses one weekend over email! The interesting part about this washer delay in sharing her supposed strengths and weaknesses with me. I realise of course that she was processing this new knowledge about me and formulating her traits accordingly. The clearest concern I had about her at the time was the fact she said she did not like excessively ‘needy’ men! The second phase of her learning about my weaknesses was when she led me on a journey to redemption, and my becoming a ‘born again’ Christian. I naturally trusted her such that I wanted to tell her about all my sins. Whilst she commented with a chuckle ‘Oh, that’s nothing serious at all’, I was still divulging some very personal things. My devaluation started soon after and it included much spiritual abuse, for example telling me that she believed she may have a tumour and asking me to pray for her. I was in literal despair and after perhaps a month of this she claimed that my excessive praying was my sign to God that I did not trust his will and that I should have prayed only once! I outed her behaviour, after the devaluation become intolerable, a few weeks later. I have no doubt that she had collected masses of ammunition which she would have used against me in a sustained campaign. I was fortunate to slowly exit what remained of our ‘friendship’, but only after providing her with SO much positive and negative fuel. The relief I feel of knowing, now far outweighs the shame I feel of having been duped.

  2. Holy guacamole.

    “Blind Gossip” has an item called “Wounded Little Boy” that describes someone using exactly this process.

    It’s obviously meant to be Harry and Meghan, and I know HG has posts specifically focused on them, but it’s creeping me out how perfectly THIS post describes what she’s apparently done.

    Except the BG post doesn’t say what she WILL do, and I have a sickening feeling I know after reading HG’s article. She’s going to reproach him with being unable to protect her, just like he didn’t protect his mother. After conning him into regressing to childhood, she will slam him for not being man enough to keep her safe. She will make him feel guiltier than he already does for being stale, male, and pale, not to mention rich and privileged, even though that’s the family she consciously married into, and she certainly wouldn’t consider herself deserving of anything less.

    ANYTHING he told her in confidence will be used to twist the knife.

  3. My philosophical father said “If something seems too good to be true , it probably isn’t.”

  4. my default seting defently palays against me, if you ask, i answer first and think latter.
    it is not that i want to be honest, it is just that my mouth and i don’t play for the same team.
    he asked so many many questions, and i gave all the answers.

    1. liza, I am the same.

      If I’m asked a question, I answer it.

      I have always wondered why I am not guarded and have always come to the same conclusion;

      I don’t think maliciously, so I don’t assume that others do. If I asked a question to someone, it is asked with no hidden agenda. So I foolishly forget that others do have an agenda.

      To me, it’s a normal conversation. To another, it can be quite the opposite. I keep forgetting that.

      1. STBS,
        exactly! it is too tiresome to assume evryone has an agenda, if i ask you what is your favorite color, i want to know your favorite color, that’s it, why would i suspect you think differently.
        i made the very big mistake to believe my parents, and the cartoons i was watching as a child, they should have told us that lying is bad but not always, learn how to it, you may need it ect….

  5. It’s funny that I read this and know that I really always tend to not say too much to one person. They may think I did—but I share bits and pieces here and there as I choose. I have never told a friend until recently (for instance) or a lover of my father’s behavior growing up—only on this blog. I have horrible boundary issues or what happened wouldn’t have happened with my relationships —but I’m selective with many things. I’ve never poured out my entirety to one person, there is no need to. I’m not that intriguing anyway so it’s a bit self indulgent.

    1. It’s easier to vent when you don’t know people.
      Sometimes you need to say what’s in your head but it’s hard to say it to people you know.

      1. Yes and also it’s a bit odd of a conversation to have. Like it honestly doesn’t throw a punch so I’m not processing it emotionally per se—it’s an “ ah ha” thing. Weird was/is uncomfortably familiar. Not omg I’m so upset over this! It’s bizarre what I was accustomed to and it’s not my fault I acclimated to it—what else was I going to do?

        1. Llorelei, I get what you’re saying
          I just know most people wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about unless they’ve encounter someone like that. Also for me part of it is shame because I fell for the B.S.

          1. I’m mortified AK—that I got to the point I did. Mortified. It’s a combination of shame and amazement. More amazement. The shame can be partitioned into a variety of explanations but the amazement is my active state of holy F.

          2. Lorelei, I get that
            I can see how you’d be bewildered by it.
            I’m just a walking bag of emotions that walks around with a smile.
            It’s a constant switch up of being numb than full of emotions.
            I’m amazed that I never turned to drugs or alchohol.

          3. I’m half drunk right now Foolme. I’m in a piano bar drinking and fairly pleased.

          4. Not yet—but these little men are flirty. Will they look better after the double shot I’m sipping on?

          5. I’m drunk and have no idea what the hell you are talking about. It was a 13 hour flight and I’m having one more! My plane seat partner had porn on his phone and he’s at the hotel (long story) and we are laughing about him watching porn. Tell me that isn’t red flag behavior. I have a kids straw in my drink and don’t know why.

          6. They aren’t round. Just short. I have photographic evidence of my exploits but only Foolme gets the material.

          7. Omg I’m going to bed. I am ridiculous. Archive this in history. They have Jack Daniels here.

          1. Why are you writing in the blog instead of enjoying your trip, Lorelei? And, I always thought HG was the Willy Wonka of his minions…

          2. SP
            If you thought for one minute that she would go away and not be on this blog ( and other places ) you are so wrong my dear! Hahaha 😘💞

          3. There was zero pain. When you are three sheets to the wind on two beers and two (well three really) shots of whiskey you don’t even get a nasty hangover. It’s rest time now so I’m here, on FB, etc. Mr. Porn star man was doing Tequila shots in Tiananmen Square today. He’s featured on my IG—in the middle of the group. (Just for you) He’s my case study in narcissism right now because I’m stuck with him for over a week and he was at the piano bar messing up my Asian delight last night. He also eats my cookies without asking—but he offered me salad to compensate on the plane. He’s drinking scotch tomorrow. His wife is cute and they are into very active sex because I saw the shower pictures as he was browsing on his phone. It’s hilarious. He walks around like a big goofy labradoodle. Everyone else is normal except for me.

  6. I remember it perfectly, he got me to verbalize something I’ve never said before not even to my therapist . He wanted me to tell him my deepest secrect that I held on to for very long so it could use it to get what he wanted.
    When I was younger my Uncle was like a stand in for my Dad because he was never present. I trusted my Uncle and loved him very much but when I turned 15 I saw what I was being groomed for. Once I started developing I became the object of his perverted sexual desire. The first time he made a sexual advance towards me I was completely devastated. I never gave in to his advanvances and it never went past him touching me. The worst memory is waking up to him rubbing his erect penis on my foot. When I opened my eyes he smiled and walked away. Lower narcissistic father lead me to fall prey to greater narcissistic Uncle. Than lower narcissistic Husband leads to greater narcissistic lover. I’m somebody who dosen’t let people take advantage of me but love is my weakness. When these types understand that when I care I can be fooled they smell blood in the water. The result of this is me shutting down that part of me that’s open to love. I give my Childen , some family and some friends love but to everyone else that wall is up and I have no plan of taking it down. The narcissist in my life took away so much I have nothing left to give to a new person.
    Maybe I’m starting to mirror the narcissist
    I wish I could get rid of the part of me that feels so deeply so I could be like everyone else.

    1. AK—I get it—I am so grateful he never actually touched me. It’s a disgusting and disturbing thought. He was so flagrantly inappropriate though that he did—emotionally. I can’t believe what I just learned to internalize and was living with. Not to mention the actual sexual abuse that he sent me to therapy for! All while he was carrying on in the manner he did. It all had/has a direct link to careless behaviors I engaged in, poor behavior I accepted, a subdued self worth that was compounded by abuse.. The true sexual abuse was devastating, but then to go home to my father’s behavior from the baby sitter or other neighbors home and never be safe from being an object in some manner or have any safe place.. I’m surprised I’m not in a loony bin.

      1. “ never be safe from being an object in some manner or have any safe place…”

        Lorelei, wow, this really hit me.

        I hope you (and others here) now at least feel safe within yourself.

        I, for one, am now able to protect myself in so many ways that I didn’t realize before—all owing to one therapist (male) who chimed the word “narcissist” and set me on the path to HG and KTN commenters.

        1. Lisk—sometimes there is freedom to do things (which I thought I was exerting in life, especially when younger) and then freedom from things. If I didn’t/don’t keep steady I will again—be an object. I was nothing but an object to anyone I’ve been with and to my father. HG wrote the word “it” in reference to the narcissists unconscious thought process in a piece recently and it nearly made me sick. I would rather never date a soul again than go down that road, however, not only dating but daily life issues with these people in general are best put on mute. It’s multidimensional.

    2. Hello AK,
      I really appreciate that you shared what happened to you. I can imagine how upsetting it was for you to remember and write about such disturbing memories.

      What your uncle did to you was repulsive and on top of that he left with a smile, as if it was funny and not a big deal. It was, AK.
      If unaddressed and untreated, the shame remains. I hope you are not carrying HIS shame on your shoulders anymore. It does not belong to you. It never did. It belongs to him and also to all those individuals who did not care, who did not help you, who minimized it or tried to make you believe you deserved it.

      re: “The narcissist in my life took away so much I have nothing left to give to a new person. Maybe I’m starting to mirror the narcissist”

      I do not think so. I think you are using your logic now.
      Love and respect are earned, not automatically given as a present to anyone you happen to meet.

  7. For real. In the early days with my ex MMRN he said he was attracted to me in part because he likes “strong women”. I was proud of this and I’m sure he knew it. Then when he discarded me after draining the life from me, manipulating me and keeping me sleep deprived for months to the point where I was a sick, exhausted shell of my former self, he said “I need someone who can be strong”. These people are evil.

    1. Kaydiva3, it’s like you where with the same person I was with.
      It freaks me out that so many of them say and do the same thing.

Vent Your Spleen!

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