Closure Denied
We do not do the clean break. We never allow closure. There is no neat conclusion when you have been entangled with our kind. You are not allowed the precise and final cut of the surgeon’s scalpel but instead you must be content with the rusty saw that has sought to effect an amputation but instead has merely created a grisly abomination whereby there remains tendrils attached and ragged and torn flesh. No matter how hot the water which flows in your shower and the vigour with which you scrub your reddened flesh, no matter how much detergent you apply and no matter whether you use scrubbing brush or wire wool you cannot remove that residue. We linger. We remain. We percolate and infiltrate.
This, like much of what we do, is a calculated act to maintain a connection between you and us. We can never let go so we see no reason why you should be allowed to either. The residue which we create and which you cannot remove, takes many forms. It may be the fact that we chose you when we worked together so that each day you have no choice but to see us across the floor space in the same office, in the cafeteria or striding across the car park. Once upon a time, like every good fairy tale, you smiled and you felt your heart skip a beat as you saw us exit the lift and smile at you. That wonderful smile which was just for you. Now when we exit the lift and our cold, dead eyes alight on you, the smile is no more than a sickly leer which slowly opens up across our face as we know the residue of our impact on your remains deep inside you. You are faced with this each day. It is either that or leave and go somewhere else and even though you know that the latter is probably the most appropriate cause of action, something prevents you from doing so. Is it because you still want to see us? Of course it is. You may very well hate us but you cannot still help yourself as you want to see what we are doing and allow yourself the indulgence of looking at us and remembering.
In a different way the residue may be the fact that we owe you money and you are left to contact us, despite not wishing to do so, because you want, no, because you need that money. After all, we leeched from you so successfully that we have left you in penury and you need this money to be reimbursed. Part of you would rather write it off and in doing so hope that you can scour us from your memory, but circumstance dictates the necessity of collection. We know this and we shall provide excuse and exhibit delay and prevarication in order to keep you hanging on and in order to keep the connection between us alive still. The money will be paid by the end of the week promise. Sorry but we had to have a new boiler fitted so it will be next month now. The bonus was not as large as had been promised so it will a further three months as I shall have to pay you by instalments. What money? I do not know owe you anything. We keep you dangling and pull at the connection that remains between you and I. If it is not money, then it will be possessions. We will purposefully leave our belongings in your house and you will repeatedly ask us to collect them. We issue similar excuses to the repayment of the borrowed money. I am a bit busy at the moment maybe next week. I need to collect it in a car and mine is in the garage at the moment. If the possessions are not ours at your property then we will have ensured that in addition or as an alternative we will have kept items belonging to you with us, causing you to have to keep some form of contact with us in order to recover them. We ensure we select those items which are expensive and of sentimental value so you will not be able to replace them but instead you must keep asking us for the items. We will string out the return of these items by failing to be in when you call to collect them, turning up to deliver them when you are not in, forgetting to do so and so forth. It all maintains the link between us and increases your upset, annoyance and frustration. We want to keep our residue in your life so that when we choose to make our move we can suck you back in without difficulty.
We will remain in the same circle of friends as you. With our notoriously thick skin we will still turn up to meals and drinks knowing that you will be there. You will feel uncomfortable and resent our intrusion. Third parties will try to keep the peace and of course we will maintain our façade in order to show that we are a good person and we are just trying to be civil following the ending of the relationship. You may react to this and it enables us to point out that you are unhinged, unpleasant and always have to bear a grudge. Is it any wonder that we left?
Whilst we create the ever presence so that you see us everywhere you go, in sounds, in sights and tastes, we also like to leave our mark on you, smearing you with the residue of the relationship so that you feel tainted for the rest of your life, marked with the repeated reminder that you have been embroiled in a relationship with us and moreover to let you know in the clearest terms that you will never be free of us. We can never be washed away.
11 thoughts on “Closure Denied”
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Hi, I’m writing this for me really, but if there’s anything anyone can use from it, then you’s welcome. I decided if I post it here then maybe I’ll feel it’s ‘off my desk’. I’ve struggled, I’ve been scarcely able to function at times and have even thought of ending my life. When I started to plan how to do that, I fell back on things I know that work for me. I went out for a walk, looked at the sky, felt the wind in my ears appreciated the colours and when a little light started to come on inside, and realised he can’t do this. I thought ‘NO! Duck this! He doesn’t exist, he never existed, not just for me but for anyone. Not even himself. He is noone, he is nothing, an empty shell that looks like a person.’ A handsome one mind, I’ll give him that. He slithers about the world like a shiney hologram. The reason he put so much effort into what is clearly a secondary source, is I’m good, I’m nice, I’m adventurous and fun. When he was dull or tedious or pedantic, I tolerated it and told him he was gorgeous and funny and made my heart beat like a fucked clock. Sometimes he did sometimes he was a chore. So I lied to him too, I got from the relationship what I wanted and tolerated the rest. The difference? …he had not showed up on time one evening or something like that, I was annoyed so I ignored his messages until he started saying ‘this isn’t like you, I’m worried, are you ok?’. The next evening he was edgy and asked over and over ‘what happened last night?’ I didn’t really understand what he wanted me to say at first. In the end I said ‘I ignored you because you annoyed me, but unlike you, I won’t behave like an unprincipled arse and deny it’. I didn’t know then, why of course. He’s not real, he’s empty, hollow and meaningless. No matter how many people this malign, parasitic, spider catches in his web, he’ll still be nothing, the hole where the beautiful, flawed, sexy, golden spark of his humanity is supposed to be, is empty. He’s a walking corpse. Give up on life because of that? Not me.
I’ll post a background at the end, in case that helps.
I first him in 1993 when I was in my early 20’s. He was married, lived away from home during the week and told me they were separating/getting divorced. I was smitten, talked of marriage etc. . After a year he became more distant and then told me that he was ending it and giving his marriage another try. I knew nothing of narcissism, just felt I’d been used as the booty call. He’s always stayed in touch and mostly I wouldn’t reply. He came to see me once but I’d just had a baby and had no time for him. 2 years ago, I got my birthay text and replied. I had left my husband, I was low and vulnerable, it was fantastic, intense, too good to be true. He declared he’d loved me for 20 +years and sucked me in. I’ll give him this, he was good. This went on for 6 months or so, everynight on whatsapp for 2-5 hours. At weekends, we would talk on the phone all night. We shared sexual stories and fantasies, and he took to writing elaborate stories that would go on for 3-4 hours, him typing away and me saying ‘oh christ I’m cumming’ that kind of thing. Sometimes they were boring so I’d pretend to be aroused or I’d read something else and send an audio message of me having an orgasm, then he’d call and I’d tell him how wonderful it had been, get to bed at dawn. Great fun.I ALWAYS knew something wasn’t right but ignored it, for my fix. Then he wanted to tell me what to wear, when to masturbate etc. Everything I did, he made about sex, he talked endlessly about it. We met up in another country for a holiday (he lives abroad) and he was different to the texts, nowhere near the same warmth or passion. I told him how I felt and he gave excuses. ‘We’re just getting reaquainted’ blah blah. We carried on texting daily when we went home, but he would be late, not show up, be cold, teasing unkindly. I would always tell him how I felt and he would ask ‘what can I do to make you feel better sweetheart?’ Then he came to stay with me, again, he was cold at times, he convinced me to go to swingers club, ‘advised’ me on what to wear, talked endlessly about it, before and after. It was fun and before he left he said ‘I want us to be together, I’m going to look for work here’ blah blah. We met up again on holiday this year, on return he still texted for a couple of hours every night, but it was usually cold and when I complained he no longer tried to reassure me or be kind and I said ‘we’re done’ on 2 occasions but relented. He was good at it. 3 months later, he came to stay here and all was not well, he seemed like a stranger. Before he left, I told him how I felt, cried, the whole thing and got very little response, he was like a machine. Once he’d gone, more coldness, ‘chit chat’ only, texting late or missing evenings. And then, quite suddenly, I realised he was a psycopath. I started to disengage, didn’t reply to texts if he was late and said I was unavailable. He started calling more, then less, talking boring rubbish for hours. It was mentally draining and I started dreading his texts. The next time he showed up late on whatsapp I sent a long text saying I loved him but wanted more from a relationship, referenced his lack of empathy and asked him to leave me alone. One of his many texts in reply, stated that the lack of empathy I mentioned ‘suggested a degree of psycopathy which he had to accept may be there’. I didn’t reply or maybe said ‘ok’. He sent texts offering to redouble his efforts to change work and come back here ‘to be with you’. I gave bland, sceptical responses and he said ‘we’ll pick this up tomorrow’. I replied later, ‘the time is gone when you dictate when we’ll speak’. A day went by and he sent a terse message noting the ‘tone’ of my message. I didn’t respond and he again texted, saying he’d ‘try another time, when you’re free’. I replied hours later ‘don’t, leave me alone please, you’ve had your amusement at my expense, enough please’. Next day, he sent ‘I missed your messages, are you watching the rugby?’ Like nothing had happened. I did not reply. That was 4 days ago. No contact, blocked.
Thank you for sharing your story Not Me. I haven’t seen you around but you are definitely in the right place. Keep up the No Contact. It’s the only way to get off the Wheel of Misery. Post when you need it. You have much support here.
Hearing everyone describe similar experiences definitely helps because you know you’re not the only one.
Funny how when you’re in the middle of your “golden period” you think you’re the only one who has ever experienced such unique and beautiful love story on planet Earth since the beginning of times. Yet after the imminent crisis of devaluation and discard/disengagement you come here, read some of the comments and realize how typical and mundane your story is, just substitute a few minor details and it is the same. Like there’s a literal school of narcissism somewhere that teaches folks the same template of manipulative actions.
Again I will say, at the end who really has the control?
Come on healed ones, we are always in their heads. It may take a long time and yes we may always remember but we don’t need control. The narcs do! So therefore we are always in their heads hence they are always trying to get control back. Mr.H I love you!❤️ thank you again for your blessings! We Empaths are lovers. Just saying
Santaann1964 you make a great point. We should remember its them that cant get us off their minds. We need just to move along with our own lives and projects. They will always be there. We can adopt an attitude of talk, dont talk, date others, whatever we want. They’re not going anywhere unless we want to kick them out
The everpresence is the worst part of it all.
The blatant smuggary is a close second.
When he suddenly ‘changed’ he was emailing me in a “nothing to see here, kind of way” and then randomly sends me a song.
Sheryl Crow: The first cut is the deepest.
I asked why he sent me that and all of a sudden, radio silence. No communication for days.
I never asked why he sent it again. Because in my heart, I already knew the answer.
HG, why do narcissist feel comfortable letting me see their darkness?
Control.
What an horrific thought