The IPSS : Shelved or Disengaged

THE IPSS _ SHELVED OR DISENGAGED?

The Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”). Who is this?

Briefly, these are ways in which the IPSS will manifest.

  1. Someone the narcissist is dating where intimacy has occurred.
  2. The narcissist is in a relationship (married, living with somebody, partners) but has a victim on the side as a mistress.
  3. As per 2, but where the victim is a side piece, a booty call, an occasional shag.
  4. As per 2, but where the victim and the narcissist know one another through repeated and extensive online interaction which has become intimate in nature.
  5. As per 2, but with someone the narcissist may see for a weekend or a few days and then does not see the victim for several weeks or longer. There is intimacy in the relationship.
  6. The narcissist is not in a relationship (married, living with somebody, partners) but the victim corresponds with 3,4 or 5 above.

Essentially, if you are intimate with the narcissist (from kissing, mutual masturbation over Skype, through to full sexual intercourse), you are not the primary source and you are seen by the narcissist more than once, you will be an IPSS.

As I have explained elsewhere, the IPSS manifests is three key ways so far as we are concerned.

  1. You have been selected with the intention of becoming our IPPS. You have an intense seduction (although this may not occur with a Lesser Narcissist) and therefore you are a Candidate IPSS. You may lose this position and not reach IPPS. You may not start as a Candidate IPSS but become one.
  2. You have been selected as a Shelf IPSS which means we do not (yet and may never) see you as becoming the IPPS, however, you are a valuable appliance and thus we pick you up and put you down. You may later become promoted to a Candidate IPSS.
  3. You have been selected as a Dirty Little Secret IPSS. We see you often but only for short periods and you are hidden from virtually everyone else in our lives. You may remain in this position or you may become a Shelf IPSS or Candidate IPSS.

In the first category we see a lot of you, maybe not every day, but the intensity of the seduction (save where Lesser) demonstrates you are on the fast track to becoming installed as our IPPS and enjoying the embedded golden period thereafter until the inevitable devaluation.

In the second category, assuming you remain in this role throughout, you will experience an elongated golden period but also periods when there is no or minimal contact. This is when you have been placed on the shelf. It is not devaluation. It is not disengagement.

In the third category, we see you often but you do not become enmeshed in our lives. Family, colleagues and friends do not know you or if they do, they do not know of you as someone who is engaged in an intimate relationship with us. You have an elongated golden period but you are kept hidden away, never receiving wider recognition. It is a relationship of hotel rooms, distant restaurants and short, furtive interactions.

Those who are IPSS regularly struggle with ascertaining whether they have been placed on the shelf or disengaged. Of course, once you realise that you are with a narcissist you should not actually be particularly concerned with whether you are on the shelf or you have been disengaged from (save to the extent this assists you in gauging the behaviour of the narcissist and what will happen next) but as we all know, your emotional thinking surges and you end up ruminating on this question ; have I been placed on the shelf or disengaged?

When you are an IPSS you have competition. Your competition comes from

  1. The IPPS (there is usually one);
  2. Other IPSSs (this is often the case, although not always the case) ; and
  3. Non-Intimate Secondary Sources (“NISSs”) friends, family and colleagues.

How does this competition manifest?

  1. With the IPPS they will be in devaluation and that is why we are engaging with you as an IPSS. The IPPS may be oblivious to your existence, may know of you but not know what is happening or may even be made aware that we are having an affair with you. The IPPS will be granted Respite Periods which because the IPPS has been painted white again will impact on how the narcissist engages with you.
  2. The other IPSS (or IPSSs if more than one) may outshine you which will then impact on how the narcissist regards you. They may cause problems for the narcissist which will then impact on how the narcissist interacts with you. They will be using the narcissist’s time and gaining his or her attention, which will again impact on you. They may be a Candidate IPSS which will then have a severe impact on your position as a Shelf IPSS. Conversely, if you become the Candidate IPSS this will elevate you above the other IPSSs and impact on them.
  3. Whilst these appliances are not competing with you in an intimate sense they will of course be advantageous to the narcissist and in certain instances their involvement with the narcissist will impact on you. If, for example  you are a DLS then where the narcissist is engaging with NISSs you will invariably suffer in that regard because you cannot be present when the friends and/or family are.

Thus this is The Competition.

There are of course other material factors, the Intrinsic Factors. These are :-

  1. Have you done something to wound the narcissist? Is the wounding minor or severe?
  2. Have you exposed the narcissist in some way?
  3. Have you rejected/ threatened the narcissist’s control and is this minor or major in nature?
  4. Have you “broken down” in some way?

So, how can you tell, as an IPSS whether you have been shelved or disengaged from?

The prevalence of The Competition factors results in you being placed on the shelf. You will not have suffered any devaluation. Thus, if we have granted a Respite Period to the IPPS we will not have any desire to see you as the IPSS. However, there is no need to disengage from you and instead you are placed on the shelf for an indeterminate time. Of course, since it is a Respite Period this may only last for a few days, possibly weeks and maybe even months. You will remain on the shelf during this Respite Period. Even when it ends, we may select a different IPSS to engage with and thus you remain on the shelf. Thus it may feel like a disengagement because you have not seen us in months but it is not disengagement.

You can tell if you are on the shelf because you will not have been blocked by us on social media or on the telephone. We may not answer your calls but you will receive a message from us at some point (not always straight away) which will be Crumbs of Conversational Comfort .

You will note from that article the timing and method of those crumbs and the ways in which they appear.

We are polite, civil, often enthusiastic and often future fake as we wish to keep you engaged but on the shelf.  We do not want to see you but we do not wish to lose you, thus this will be done to keep you ‘warm’ and ‘onside’

You are on the shelf when you are still able to communicate with us albeit at a reduced rate and our responses are benign. You can of course find yourself being disengaged from whilst on the shelf, but that is a different topic.

In terms of disengagement, this happens because of the presence of the Intrinsic Factors. If the nature of the Intrinsic Factor is minor then you will be given a Corrective Devaluation. Thus, you may be insulted and we storm off and do not answer your calls, giving you a silent treatment but note you are not blocked. Blocking would equate to disengagement and of course if we block you, how would we gain the fuel that arises from your repeated pleading text messages? You may receive an Absent Silent Treatment as part of this Corrective Devaluation but it will not last for an extensive period, a few days, maybe a week. You will be ignored but not blocked.

If you do not respond to this Corrective Devaluation in the desired way, you may receive another (or the original will be extended) and possibly another – dependent on the nature of the narcissist. However, you are moving closer to receiving a Disengagement Devaluation and then disengagement if you do not yield and respond in the expected and desired manner.

When you are an IPSS and you have been disengaged from you will be able to recognise this because

  1. One or more of the Intrinsic Factors will be present;
  2. The relevant Intrinsic Factors will be major in nature or several minor Intrinsic Factors where you have failed to respond appropriately to the Corrective Devaluations;
  3. You may actually be told that the relationship is over, that we do not want to see you ever again (although such words are not always used);
  4. You will be blocked, deleted, unfriended etc;
  5. If you manage to somehow engage with us we will ignore you or respond in a malign fashion;
  6. You will be smeared (which you may learn about but not necessarily).
  7. There are no Conversational Crumbs of Comfort

Accordingly, you need to ascertain whether you are an IPSS and then based on the above work out whether you are on the shelf or you have been disengaged from. Your emotional thinking will be looking to cloud the issue and if you require certainty then consulting with me will remove any doubt as to the situation you are in.

Whether on the shelf or disengaged from, you of course remain at risk of a future hoover, since it is a hoover which either takes you from the shelf removing the suspension of the Formal Relationship with the narcissist or engages with you once again as the Formal Relationship is resurrected.

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113 Comments

  1. Ok I though I posted this but maybe I didn’t. I apologize if it’s a dupe. Narcy Narc is at it again. I have been unblocked from s fake profile that he knows I know is him because we share many friends on that profile. He did this once before a few months ago and then renkocked me when I failed to respond at which point I texted him and I got silence. What is this flippin purpose of this crap ? I would say for me to contact but he’s already taught me that he won’t answr so why do this ? It’s all just bat shit crazy. Is this being bright off the shelf? What kind of Hoover is this ?

    1. Hey Lori, it is all one massive headfuck. I’d say it’s a reverse hoover encouraging you to make contact with him. It let’s him know that you’re still open to contact, that you continue to check this fake profile which means you’re showing to him that you’re still under his control which fuels him.

      Can you delete/block it?

      1. But I don’t check it. There is nothing to check. I only found out because I saw him on a mutual friends page. I could block it but I’m not going to at the moment. He will re block me soon enough when I don’t respond. As far as I’m concerned let him look like the ce6 one with his repeats. Blocking and unblocking all while I sit here and do nothing.

        1. Lori
          This statement isn’t entirely correct: I sit here and do nothing.

          You come onto narcsite and write comments wondering what is going on and why these hoovers keep happening, which indicates that you are still under his control, and that is why you need to change your behavior; I strongly recommend that you take a social media break and work on NC.

          1. No. The statement is correct.im not doing anything to interact with him. I do not look him up. I do not visit any of his pages. As previously stated, I only found out because he showed up on a mutual friends page otherwise I do not speak about him to anyone he knows ever. I stay off pages and removed myself fro places online that I would likely run into him. It’s annoying AF when he pulls this shit but I will not respond. . I come here very little anymore because I honestly don’t need it like I used to only when one of his stupid Hoover’s takes place but this too will soon pass. He will soon block me again looking for a reaction and he just continues to make himself look like the psycho. Me I do nothing and it all goes back to normal . Honestly I know what he’s doing I just come here for confirmation.

            If you look at the situation, it would suggest that lm the one with the control at the moment. I’m not blocking and unblocking and it is him reacting to my lack of a reaction now whether I remain in comtrol remains to be seen. Is it hard to sit here and say nothing ? You bet it is but it can be done I’m fairly certain he will not reach out directly so when all I have to do is wait this out a couple of weeks and he will block me. He’s a 4 year old playing peek a boo

            I am a person that likes to label things most codependents do. I like to label exactly what kind of Hoover it is.

          2. Lori
            From our POV, we think we are in control and, sometimes, that is true, however, it’s his POV that matters, not yours; it’s how he perceives the situation that matters and he perceives that he’s in control and that’s why he keeps blocking and unblocking. Just keep ignoring them.

            It was a passive electronic hoover and he does it for fuel.

          3. Lori, K is right. Your comment that you’re doing nothing is your emotional thinking talking. You are doing something because you are thinking about why the narcissist is doing something.

            A few months after I went “no contact,” my narc did a passive hoover on Instagram and Venmo. I use no contact in quotes because I wasn’t no contact–I left social media avenues open for her to contact me assuming I wouldn’t hear from her.

            Like you, I didn’t respond which made me think that everything was ok and i wasn’t breaching “no contact.” I told myself, for all the narc knew, I never saw she started following me because i never reached out or followed her back.

            The problem is I dwelled on it, which was another breach of no contact. Why did follow me on Instagram a month after she got married? Why is she showing up on my Venmo news feed when we never used Venmo when we were dating? Thinking about why she was doing this was a huge breach in my “no contact.” And sure enough a few months later, I gave into the temptation, looked at her social media, and sent her a message. She got exactly what she wanted (fuel and confirmation that I was still under her control) with virtually no effort.

            Your narc is doing something similar. He is doing a passive hoover to test the waters and exert control all with plausible deniability. All he has to do is sit and wait. And if you somehow manage to resist, it doesn’t cost him anything. Maybe mild wounding at best, but it won’t deter him from trying again and eventually he may try something more direct, which you will find harder to resist.

            The best thing i can suggest is consult with HG to confirm these are passive hoovers and to discuss the Zero Impact package. Once you realize how insidious your emotional thinking is, it makes a difference and eventually you won’t care why the narcissist is doing x, y, or z. Narcs are gonna narc, but you don’t have to be a part of it.

          4. BCHG
            “Narcs are gonna narc”

            Perfect answer to all the why? questions. It really is that simple when you think about it. I’m going to use that.

          5. Better Call HG
            Absolutely 100% spot on!

            Lori, Listen to BCHG; he knows exactly what he’s talking about.

          6. I’ll respectively disagree. His point of view matters because we allow it to matter. We hand over the superiority to hiim

            It’s all about my perspective now and mh perspective says he sees that he doesn’t have the control he once had and he is now having to behave in a manner thst will allow him to recapture. I have not changed my behavior. He knows I’m not anywhere that he is and that I’m not talking about him. He is the one taking action changing behavior to seek my attention. Me: I’m doing the same old thing I was doing last time he unblocked me. He is more than welcome to have his perspective but the fact remains that it’s him reacting to me and him taking purposeful pre meditated actions with intent to kbtaij attention. He cannot deny the craving within him to have my attention.

            He will block me in a few weeks like the pointing 4 year old he is which will make my day

          7. Lori
            I understand what you are saying. There are two realties/POVs at play, yours and his.

            From his narcissistic perspective, he is entitled to your fuel (and he expects it) and his narcissism compels him to hoover you and your accidental text indicates to him that you are still under his control. In his world, you are an appliance that exists to supply him with The Prime Aims in perpetuity.

            His actions are not premeditated or on purpose; it’s all instinct and he cannot change so you need to change your behavior.

            If he blocks you in four weeks, you shouldn’t even be aware of it because you shouldn’t be on social media to see that he has blocked you. Your ET is causing you to continue to engage, which indicates that you are still under his control.

          8. I’m not getting off social media for him. I have interests and social networks that have nothing to do with him that use social media to communicate and organize. Making me get off social media is him exercising the ultimate control. He will block me again and I will know because he won’t be in sight on anyone’s page. I will sit here quietly do nothing, speak to no one about him and behave as if he is invisible. This situation will soon remedy itself permanently because he won’t be able to tolerate no reaction so he will erase me from him psyche. Is it hard to stay quiet ? Yeah sometimes and sometimes not. Let him run around blocking and unblocking I see you I don’t see you meanwhile I’m stil here exactly the same … and believe me that burns him up. The blocking and unblocking and re blocking is a 4 year old hsving a tantrum because Mommy isn’t sting attention to him

          9. Lori
            You can exercise control by taking a break from social media and working on your ET and NC.

            He isn’t a four-year old; he’s a narcissist and he has no choice in the matter; he has to hoover you and that isn’t his fault. He knows exactly how you think and behave and I think he’s playing you to get thought fuel, which indicates that he’s superior and in control.

            He can’t change his behaviour, however, you can change yours.

          10. Lori. As time goes on you will slowly change your mind regarding the fact that you are going to have to change a lot of things in your life. We are not the enemy here. Argue all you want. The change comes/came for all of us

          11. Lori, He will never erase you from your psyche. I totally understand about the social media. MRN goes for long periods without hoovering, but when he does it is through social media and I have refused to get off of it too. It used to really unsettle me because I did not know that people behaved like this and he was always so dismissive of social media (doesn’t have FB under his real name, used IG due to pressure from his family but hated it etc). Slowly I discovered the things he does online, which have included stalking me on a dating site and repeated visits to my professional LinkedIn page. I recently decided to stop looking at LinkedIn. I won’t leave FB now but there were periods where I felt I had to. If yours doesn’t stop messing with you, he might succeed in getting you to break NC. He is already clearly raising your ET. Maybe just take a break for awhile until your ET is lowered? I find that I can mostly use it now without even thinking about MRN but my ET does still inflame when he has one of his obvious hoover bursts.

    2. Lori
      It’s the kind of hoover that makes you batshit and keeps you questioning, and it’s working a treat. You are proving to him that you are still his puppet and he is working your strings (in his mind), that he can still have an effect on you without even engaging. This equates to him as having power over you. Lots of amusement and thought fuel for him with almost no effort. The real question (to yourself) is: why are you still wasting your time checking to see if he still WANTS to have power over you? Why do you want an abuser and game player to still show interest in you when you could end this?

      1. He’s not getting shit. I know it’s all a game. It’s like dealing with a 4 year old. Peek a boo I see you. The reason I am surprised at this is that some months ago I sent a message to him by accident that was meant for my friend but I accidentally sent to him it basically called him a fraud along with some other stuff. Believe me if I could have gotten it back I would have lol. So I figured hey at least I don’t have to worry about ever having him unblock orvfake friend me again but no now almost 3 months after that incident I’m unblocked. I had to do a double take.

        He is a dip shit but I do like to know what’s going on in Narcy Narcs head. I realize it somewhat impossible to know. I just feel there is specific intent is with this

        1. Narc Angel

          I seriously can’t believe he is still doing this shit. The only reason I knew is because I was on a mutual friends page and there he was. At first I thought I was seeing things but nope there he was

          1. Lori

            I came from Fetlife. You might be incredibly surprised, or maybe not so much how many narcs watched my profile. Or conversely, how many profiles a narc can watch.

            With the more cognitively aware, they could regularly be watching dozens whilst holding dozens of accounts. Some at different potential levels in the matrix.

            I would imagine there is a regular pattern in the unaware ok how they check. Daily.

            So yes, K IS right. You are fuelling him.

          2. Renarde
            Damn skippy, she’s fueling him; whether he’s blocking or unblocking there’s copious amounts of thought fuel to be had. Can you blame him; he’s a narcissist; it isn’t his fault.

          3. K

            Ha ha!

            And no, I don’t blame any narcissist for their actions. They were born that way. Even the Greaters. Ruthless, efficient fuel gathering machines.

            I also find this zen mental state enormously beneficial when implementing the mindset of the NC. If I keep thinking about them, I’m violating rule 1.

            It’s an intriguing notion though, the Ns who operate on SM platforms. I imagine it like he has so many barrels depending on school and cadre. Each one has a fish and a rod.

            Some fish are reeled in, some have the rod removed (or the fish removes the rod) and others are flipped out to gasp for air.

            It would be fascinating to be invisible and sit and watch a say MMV work his world. I bet I’d learn a lot.

          4. Renarde, That’s a great analogy. I refrained from looking at LinkedIn today even though I got a message about ‘who is viewing’ your profile (MRN views in ‘private’ mode). Decided he wasn’t going to get anymore thought fuel from me. I don’t really need the site anyway. The only time I go on there is when I get those messages.

          5. Thank you, Renarde. Having said that, I just discovered something else. I manage a small page on FB and I looked at the stats. The page ‘reached’ someone where he is (another country). No one suspicious has ‘liked’ the page but the link on my profile saying I manage it is public. He could easily have clicked on that link by looking at my profile, and his location would show up in the page stats. I can’t not manage the page and therefore remove the link from my own profile because there is no one else to do it. Oh well. Maybe I am just being paranoid!!

          6. SMH

            Oh lovely. Well done for recognising you might be. It’s so so difficult to say if it’s the ex. Personally, if I was a narc I’d always use a vpn. I’m pretty sure an old lesser ex is stalking a now defunct FB page. Let him waste his time. Vapid lesser idiot.

          7. Haha. Vapid lesser idiot. Moron mid-ranger in my case. I can’t see him going through the trouble of using a VPN. It would also defeat the purpose, since he wants me to know he was there (though I doubt he knows the page tracks that sort of information).

          8. SMH

            You could be right.

            This is always going to be a danger for Empath running a forum.

            I had an idiot on mine the other day. Still makes me cross thinking about it.

            When I write, I say precisely what I mean to say. If people dont get it; that’s not my problem. I will happily explain concepts all day long.

            What I don’t want is some obnioxious make twat mansplaining to me concepts of which he knows fuck all about but wants it to appear he does for what? So I’ll get all panty and breathless and drop my knickers for him?

            I daresay he’ll be back proffering me more gems. I’d like to bite him really very hard indeed for his fuckwittery but I cant.

          9. Renarde, HG is the only male who is allowed to mansplain in my world! As for running a forum, yeah, it didn’t occur to me. I also think I didn’t really believe MRN was stalking me because everyone gets fake friends requests, even if some of the details were specific to MRN. But now I do believe it. Too many coincidences.

            I can’t stop running the page because then I’d have to explain to a bunch of people I do not know very well that I have an ex-lover with a personality disorder :).

          10. Renarde
            Correct; It’s important to recognize the impact of ET and how it adversely affects our NC and keeps us ensnared.

        2. Lori
          1. He is getting copious amounts of thought fuel.
          2. He isn’t a dip shit; he’s effective.
          3. What’s going in his head: instinctively, the need to acquire The Prime Aims.
          4. The specific intent is fuel.

          1. That thought fuel is very temporary in nature and being that he’s done it before it’s leas effective

          2. Lori
            It’s FIP hoover fuel, which is very potent, and, in the aggregate, it’s very effective. Don’t forget, you are just one part of his entire fuel matrix and the accidental text he received was fuel AND he knows that you are thinking about him and still under his control.

            Superiority has been maintained and fuel has been acquired. He’s very effective.

          3. Superiority in what aspect ? I don’t look at his profile there’s nothing to see and I don’t talk to him . From everything I’ve read here, thought fuel isn’t that potent nor does it last that long. At the end of the day, Narcs hate to be ignored and he’s getting ignored. He can keep doing it. He’s the one that looks like the psycho. I’m not doing anything one way or another he’s the one blocking and unblocking. I keep my mouth shut (which is difficult ) and it’s all good

          4. But I wasn’t thinking of him. Apparently it’s him thinking of me. I have done nothing different and I would know nothing about this had he not shown up on a mutual friends page. He’s welcome to think whatever he liked but the facts are that I have done nothing and have not changed my behavior in any way. The only changing their behavior and reacting is him

          5. Lori
            You are entering his sixth sphere of influence and that’s a Hoover Trigger and each time you reach out to him, accidental or otherwise, that is a HT, as well, and The HEC are being met, which initiates a passive electronic hoover.

            Exactly, he knows that you have done nothing and have not changed your behavior so his behavior has remained exactly the same and he uses the same manipulation*, a passive hoover*, to provoke you into breaking NC and it has worked.

            *HG Tudor says:
            September 17, 2018 at 11:16
            Passive hoovers are low maintenance and are designed to aim to provoke you into responding.

            HG Tudor says:
            March 11, 2019 at 11:05
            If the manipulation keeps working, it will keep being used in order to conserve effort.

  2. Oh boy here we go again. A few months ago u was unblocked when I failed to respond I was the reblocked which of course like the codependent I am I reached out anc was ignored so I just stopped then a couple of months later I accidentally sent a text mean t for someone else to him that mentioned a couple unpleasant things about him. It was a total accident anyway i figured fine good I won’t have o worry about Him ever unblocking me again. Well… yep you know what’s coming.. fast forward a couple of months anc guess what ? I have been unblocked again. Wtf is this about ? Is this a passive Hoover ? Or an attempt to pull me down off the shelf ? Just when I think this guy is gone for good he pops up again though he never speaks. Holy moly why the hell does he keep unblocking me if he isn’t going to speak ?

    1. Lori
      1. How come you are able to accidentally send him a text, that’s a hoover tigger. Delete his number.
      2. Unblocking is a passive hoover and it’s all about the Prime Aims.
      3. He keeps unblocking you for fuel and it’s working.

      1. He had me blocked and he may have had me blocked and not gotten it. I have no way of knowing for sure. I really wouldn’t have even known I was unblocked had I not seen his name on a friends page. After having been blocked many months, I quit looking a long time ago. Is it triggering ? Yes it is however not as bad as it used to be. This shit becomes less effective with each use. He will block me again in a couple of weeks to see if he can extort a reaction from me. I say let me do it. Let him look like the crazy one with the blocking and unblocking.

        1. Lori
          You may want to consider staying off of social media for 3-6 months. From your POV, he looks like the crazy one, however, he’s a narcissist and he’s just behaving the way he is supposed to and there is nothing he can do about it. The ball is in your court; take control and pull the plug from social media.

  3. All four intrinsic factors here and all post escape. I never failed as an active appliance. I know I shouldn’t NOT expect a hoover but I would be really surprised if something beyond an internet creep occurred.

      1. Bubbles!! I need to put them up! I just hung a grand photo in my bedroom and I’m quite proud of my skill to hammer into the walls.

          1. Oh Bubbles—I did get a little help hanging that picture! I needed help centering it and then I hammered away. Twice I had to move the first nail hole to the right a bit. It needed centered over the headboard and the measuring tape needed held jointly from side to side. The floating shelves are this evening. They are corner shelves. I’m also replacing bathroom lights this evening but my friend is helping because I am a house idiot.

          2. Dear Lorelei,
            First rule ..never put yourself down ……EVER !
            You’re not a house idiot
            You had a “little assistance”, but you’re the one that drove that nail 🔨🖼
            Look at Thomas Edison 💡
            You’re bloody fantastic and don’t you forget it
            Cheers lovely on your handywoman skills 🍾🥂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. Haha Bubbles! Yes I did hold the hammer! It’s been a load of fun directing this project and I’ve been quite fortunate.

          4. Madam Bubbles, I saw an episode once of the TV series, Sex and The City, and the Brunette female was dating various men in order to have her construction/handyman sort of needs met in her apartment. And I can not recall exactly, but that scenario seemed to have caused her to put up with a lot of nonsense in her dating life. But at the end of the episode, she was smiling with an epiphany she had. Because she paid a handyman to do some work for her, and she then realized that It was better to just pay someone for handiwork than to date someone, just to have various handiwork done in her apartment. I thought It was a funny episode. These days few men know how to do handiwork though, especially in a city. Anyway, I am amazed at the name of the tools as well. One can tell that men named these tools. When I needed a screwdriver to hang my swinging mirror, the owner asked me if I needed a Stud Finder. I said, a what? He said, you know, a Stud Finder, to make sure that you hang this mirror in the strongest area. I told him, not at this time. However, Madam Bubbles, I may need a Stud Finder very soon.

          5. Princess—wasn’t the brunette called Charlotte? I always thought she was cute. I have a few lovely men in my life to help me if needed. They are quite protective which is nice because it’s just me with no family where I live. I moved to my city alone in the 90’s after graduating from college. It takes a village to manage Lorelei!
            I won’t date for favors but but.. There is a cabinet guy (here yesterday in fact) that is really quite strong, manly, and frankly quite do-able. I’ll realign my usual penchant for the white collar sort, and if I rip off this guys clothes I’ll never remember what color his collar was. I’m quite sure he is accommodating and understanding.

          6. Dear PrincessSuperEmpath,
            Haha…l luv Sex in the City
            No home should ever be without a Stud Finder otherwise you have to use your hand
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          7. Lorelei
            Ha ha ha…offended! My big fat heinie; you are a Dirty Birdie, just like Bubbles.

          8. K—it’s funny as this has been quite a learning opportunity. Sitcom’esque in humor at times. This all began around June. The handyman is a doctorate-level educated man who lost his job. (“TO NO FAULT OF HIS OWN!” He can fix anything with such a gusto of sheer aptitude that it has been most impressive. My close friend—his ex-wife volunteered him to the task! After a few months here is this polite lovely man never saying a bad thing about his ex-wife. Generally praises of concern were expressed re, her emotional or physical health, etc. I was starting to really wonder where the narcissist was buried. (It has been her assertion—and she’s quite articulate and very healthy “feeling”)
            I have been baffled. Truly. To be entirely honest—of course an educated man with day old stubble on his face is attractive while fixing everything. Would I? Probably never truly—loyalty has to mean something but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t in my brain on a few occasions. It was generally always mostly an observation of behavior and a curiosity. But.. But.. They eventually tell who they are. Sheer passive aggressive behaviors flourished overnight. The switch from white to black—unquestionably passive aggressive. The first few times I wrote off uneasily. Not now. It’s not even the question of “What did he do?” It’s how I felt repeatedly—healthy people can’t replicate that feeling that is like an unmistakable barrage of gun shots. His remaining tasks were outsourced last week. He sent a text reply (a week late to a time sensitive issue) one half hour ago. Guess who is NOW passive aggressive? I have no obligation to a timely reply as to where or when he can clear his tools from my garage. I don’t do passive aggressive anymore. He can fuck off—I fixed my security system (this morning) that he installed instead of playing dumb like I usually do because it was essential not to even bother with him. He makes my skin crawl.

          9. Lorelei
            The facade is the ultimate manipulation, I think. Sometimes, it’s both American Horror Story and sitcom-esque at the same time. Of course his job loss wan’t his fault; he’s the victim in all this.

            We sometimes entertain our baser needs through thoughts or fantasy, which is quite normal. Our Shadows (the Dark Side) are seductive after all. The switch from white to black (and back again) happens in an instant, poof! And you wrote it off, which is quite normal and a common empathic foible. I always think of Excuses Equals Endangered and I no longer write things off like I used to.

            Don’t give him a second thought. Bye Felicia!

          10. Haha—how long for his latest inquiry to sit unanswered.. It’s really fun to give back the silence. Remember the lyrics to Street Carnival by Natalie Merchant? No, I was paying attention the whole time. The flexibility of where to write off and where not to is a skill to work for when it’s not bestowed in our youth. The hard part of where seduction lies for me is when someone is very educated and interesting beyond garden variety. It’s a hook as frankly—I’ll never routinely date an idiot. It’s those qualities that can smother sensibilities.

          11. Maybe I should develop an affinity for low functioning idiots K. They just break stuff and if you keep super glue around it’s an easier fix K!

          12. K—I’m also quite amused by my silence in response. It’s contrary to my nature and a bit of fun. I now know why my close friend derives such amusement from ignoring people. She hates nearly everyone and it’s marvelous!

          13. K—I’m actively cleaning out my email inbox by deleting thousands of emails. You tend to know these things.. Why am I getting notifications from WP (likes and comments) via email if I don’t have this check marked on the WP notifications page? Only the bells and iPhone boxes are checked. Nothing in the email column. It’s making me crazy to get 100 emails a day between WP/stores—I’m unsubscribing from any and everything!

          14. Lorelei
            WP is a mystery to me! Just put in the grunt work and unsubscribe, that’s the best way to do it.

          15. Madam Bubbles and Lorelei: Here is some of the recap of Season 2 and Episode 4 of Sex and the City and specifically some of the about Charlotte finally deciding to hire a handyman instead of using guys for handiwork in her apartment: `Carrie drops by Charlotte’s apartment to check out all the home improvement projects she and Tom have been working on. Apparently, Tom decided not to move to Salt Lake City after all. When he leaves the room to find a tool, Charlotte tells Carrie that when Tom told her he was moving, she suddenly developed feelings for him. She adds that she looooves that he’s a strong, masculine guy who can fix stuff around the house. Carrie chuckles and says, “You can’t create a relationship with a guy just ’cause he can caulk your tub”, but Charlotte nods furiously and insists, “Yes you can!” …………..

            Charlotte and Tom are laying in bed together, and both are fully aware that they’ve been faking their relationship. Tom says he’s decided to move to Salt Lake City after all…and he and Charlotte pretend they’ll miss each other while Carrie triumphantly voice-overs, “It was a perfectly timed double-fake!”

            ……..Charlotte figured out that you can pay a handyman to get work done around the house.`
            SEX AND THE CITY – SEASON 2, EPISODE 4

            “They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?”
            Original airdate: 6/27/1999 recap by Seasons of Yore.

          16. Dear PrincessSuperEmpath,
            That was so sweet of you to go to the trouble to recap the episode
            Do it yourself, date it, fake it or hire it
            Luvved it ! 🤣
            Thank you lovely
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          17. To be read in a Brooklyn accent:

            “It’s dah plumbuh! I’ve come to fix your pipes!

          1. Dearest K,
            Moi? Get outta here
            I never said that, you’re imagining things, I don’t remember and whatever it is it’s not my fault, you’re being oversensitive and overreacting, it’s not all about you and no one will believe you
            I’ve never known you to be so jealous n insecure K …..Lorelei’s just a friend !!!!
            🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Dear Bubbles,
            Ha ha ha…I am on to you now! You have been an undercover MMRN this whole time; The Games Are Always Being Played! Ha…You Dirty Angel, using The Weasel as a cover story to infiltrate narcsite to acquire The Prime Aims.

            You have deployed The Narcissists’s Twin Lines of Defence: First line of Defence: Denial.

            Quickly followed by the Second Line: Deflect and Distract: Gas lighting, compartmentalizing, blame shifting, minimizing, invalidation, facade, projection and triangulation.

            The ultimate manipulation; The Facade!

            Why Can’t They See It Too? The Narcissist’s Façade At Work.

            Luv K xoxox

          3. Dearest K,
            Your narc summary was……. AMAZING ! 👩‍🎓⭐️
            I thought you’d like that 🤗
            Thank you K, that was fun …… let’s do it again, haha 😝
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. Dear Bubbles,
            Ha ha ha…thank you! You did a superior job playing the role of a MMRN. I was laughing as I read your comment. That was fun and, any time you want to play The Mole, I am Game (For A Laugh (The Narcissist and Humor)).
            Luv K xoxox

          5. Dearest K,
            Haha …. thanks sweetness
            You had me at Dirty Birdie 🤣
            You’re such a good sport
            Always a pleasure lovely K 😉
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Dearest Lorelei,
      It all depends on what type of screw you need for job at hand
      If you don’t have a stud finder, the stud can be found by tapping along with your knuckle …. you will hear a hollow sound then followed by a flat solid sound …. the flat solid sound is your stud
      If your stud is not centred, you will require a different screw, depending on the weight of your object
      Happy hammering lovely
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. What?! I have men do all this for me while I act dumb! I know how to do it but pretend I’m an idiot!

  4. All of this twisted network of supplies and replacements and respite periods and substitutions, on the shelf, off the shelf … ends up giving me a headache. I’ll just stick to this: “Of course, once you realise that you are with a narcissist you should not actually be particularly concerned with whether you are on the shelf or you have been disengaged from.” Fuck his system, I prefer mine for being more straightforward: once you know, fuck off, narc.

      1. Dear Violetta,
        That just made my day …..luv it.
        I’m changing my mantra song from “let it go” to this new n improved version 😂
        Thank you
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. I’m fantasizing singing it at Human Resources if I get laid off in the next round of cutbacks.
          I had a friend who claims she had to pinch herself to refrain from singing “Uncle Fucker” from South Park at her advisor in grad school.

          1. Dear Violetta,
            Haha
            I’m familiar with South Park, one of my son’s favourite shows
            I remember Chef salty balls number being a catchy little tune ….hehe
            Hanging around waiting to be made redundant is not pleasant, sadly, very few jobs are safe these days
            Positive vibes heading your way n best wishes Violetta
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Thanks, Bubbles. Need all the help I can get. Most of the people who hired me and trained me are gone, by their own choice or otherwise. The ones who have replaced them don’t have a clue what they’re doing.

            This song was actually from the movie, “Bigger, Longer, Uncut.” The kids see a Terence and Philip movie that Kyle’s mom decides to protest as a bad influence.

            Definitely NSFW.

            https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uDDJvC2CGaU&t=26s

          3. Dear Violetta,
            Thank you for your response lovely one
            Hang in there Violetta, hopefully it’s worth it 🤑for you, one way or another
            It’s always the way, newbies have no idea, you teach them, then they get rid of you
            Good luck precious … don’t let the turkeys get you down
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. Bubbles,

            Unfortunately, the newbies are the management.

            Thanks for your good wishes, though.

    1. Hear hear! go outside, gaze up to the sky, scan the garden, look under the car and down the street, just to make sure you can’t find a single fuck to give x

  5. So if the sex is good, the Secondary Source may be better off than the Primary, who got comparatively short-shrifted on the Golden phase, and has to put up with most of the narcy abuse? Sounds like the mistress may be better off than the wife or steady girlfriend.

    Of course, we’re supposed to avoid relationships with narcs altogether, but it really does make one think….

    1. If you like to just be fucked and used sexually ? You get nothing … just his tiny pee pee ? Icky :( or wam-bam) not even a “thank you , mam.” Narcs just use all …for their own personal attention and he’ll come around when he’s feeling put upon by all the others in his circle. He will just want you to give him free booze or food , whatever his prime aims are that day . He will want something and it’s not Sex he just does it til he has your attention ….Perhaps bartenders are very familiar with being secondary source ? Narcs suck ;(.

  6. N1 and 2 from intrinsic factors were present. He deserved to be wounded. I didn’t do it intentionally in the beginning and even apologized.

Vent Your Spleen!

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