Birthday Blues

1

They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

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55 Comments

  1. I just had a birthday Nov 16 and I will from this date forward spend my birthday traveling or with my daughter leaving him out and wait until his birthday comes up in the next month. I think will mark a big red circle 🔴 on the calendar, so he sees it, that says special day for fuel. No, I am not a Narc but their injustice just aggravates me to no end and I will especially remember to remain “grey rock” during the whole thing. “Oh dear, I’m so sorry. I was completely busy doing nothing and forgot your birthday” I hope this does not bother you too much as you are not 3 years old anymore” but maybe next year we can get you some party hats and whistle blowers, and if your really good maybe some balloons!!

    1. Forget grey rock. It does not work.
      You do not mark the birthday. You do not remember to forget it. You make no false apology for missing it. You make no sarcastic remark, think about doing so or think it anyway. The Narcissist´s Pitchfork waits.

  2. Yep. Birthday bullying. Got dumped by a hate-mail on my birthday and got blocked online on his birthday – after trying to delicately discuss how much his constant online womanizing hurt my feelings. All for the best, I’m happy it made me look for answers and I gravitated towards HG’s blog, which already helped me tremendously. Logic defense is a wonderful thing – and HG taught me how to use it both in blog posts and via the audio consultation (which I strongly recommend to newcomers). There are now patches of several hours every day when I don’t think about my ex-Narcissist at all. That is a huge achievement after 15 years of being an unsuspecting victim in an on and off narcissistic relationship. Everything that made no sense over the years suddenly makes sense. One more time, I thank you from the bottom of my beating heart, HG.

  3. My Narc has never done what you described on birthdays . He may very well be resentful that he’s not the center of attention on my special day, or the children’s, but he keeps it to himself.
    Is that unusual for a Narc, HG ?

    He DOES get jealous when my children ( even our pets) show me affection, or I to them.

    1. His narcissism evidently feels sufficiently in control (and no doubt with concerns with regard to the facade) so that the birthday is not spoiled.

  4. He tried to ruin my birthday. So this year I went NC and ruined his. A little. I knew it wounded him because my spies alerted me that he decided to celebrate it in MY favorite hotel/restaurant/bar, it’s an art-deco building that he never went to before finding out I loved it. And he posted pics using a piercing word I used on him when I escaped, he and I know it wounded him. I’m glad I didn’t feel anything on his birthday. No compassion, no love, no remorse. Actually, I was in Europe invited to give a professionals presentation when it happened. That was my revenge for the triangulation of the previous year. Fuck. Your. Birth. Fuck You.

      1. Oh, that was only last year because I was stupid to be entangled with him and invite him to my birthday. My birthday this year was spectacular; as soon as I came back from my professional trip to Europe, my husband picked me up from the airport and drove me to the beach. We spent four wonderful days on the beach with our dog. Narc, what narc?

        1. My birthday is in less than two weeks. I’m not sure what my mini fashionista will want to do. She’s way high maintenance! She asked for a Hermès bag and I’m sad to tell her she needs to study harder than I did or marry better! How does an 11-year-old know these things? She had scotch tape on her face while watching a YouTube makeover video. You know the scotch tape trick?

          1. No way ! I bet you look great . I dont feel old .
            Scorpios are the most sexist sign lol

          2. Pati—can’t recall if I replied to this. I’m groggy after dental work. My face is swollen, I was numbed up and look like I have Bell’s Palsy right now. Numbing is wearing off and I’m throbbing. It’s quite sexy. Not sure. It’s always what my daughter wants to do, although I’d like to plant some spring bulbs on our bday to see in the spring.

          3. Haha Lorelei, every time I come back from the dentist with my lips numb I have the impression my mouth looks like Angelina Jolie’s.

          4. I don’t look like her right now! I’m a mess and it’s really uncomfortable. I pissed off the dentist because I pulled the bite thing out and dropped it accidentally. This is ridiculous.

          5. Hope you feel better take some pain killers, when I got my wisdom teeth out years ago I remember the feeling it was awful. Take some painkillers. Tylenol 3 really helps if you can.
            Hope you plan something nice for your birthday.
            Maybe my kids can take me out for a steak dinner my treat.

          6. I took 3 Vicodin. Bottle said to take 2:)
            I knew it wouldn’t kill me. Wanted to be thorough.

          7. Yes yes—but I can only chew food on the right! It’s nuts. I should be glad this torture was only $23 after my insurance paid. Paying for torture seems crazy. Some of the implements put in my mouth yesterday reminded of vintage bondage videos. I’m not into those but I feel as if I’ve seen something to plant such a vision!

          8. No, but I bought a new serum by Lancôme yesterday, it just came out and it has excellent reviews. I like Lancôme, the one I use currently by Estée Lauder is also good. What is an 11 year old going to do with a Hermès bag other than looking like a little Paris Hilton?

          9. Haha—she’s goofy. I’m nervous as hell about school tuition next year so she may be shopping at Walmart. (All of my kids start there next year) I’m near palpitations over it! I may be getting my moisturizer at the dime store but this school has my middle schooler just where she needs to be. After the great credit card heist she pulled and pot smoking dipshits in my house last spring I’m willing but I’m nervous. I came home from work and kids had snuck in and my house smelled like weed. I hate that mind draining crap. I may have accidentally knocked her into a wall—total accident and quite unfortunate.

  5. My birthday Is coming up and I am not expecting anything and I dont want anything either. I can go and buy something for myself
    To: Me
    From : Me
    Happy Birthday

    1. Pati, it’s your birthday! Happy birthday, I hope you have a great day with no narcs in the horizon. 😘

      1. Thank you SP how did you know lol. I believe I mentioned it once here on the blog. Your bday wishes means a lot. In terms of the Narc world. He is still present. Hugs to you xoxo😘

        1. I have a prodigious memory. I also love when people remember my birthday. Lorelei’s is coming next.

          1. Thank you Sweetest! My daughter wants to go ice skating but she doesn’t know I have such an excursion planned for Chicago. Twice in two weeks would diminish the outdoor Chicago plans. I’m sick today—nauseated and can’t eat. I want broccoli cheddar soup and crackers. I’ve canceled piano lessons for the night and I’m going to die. Plan a funeral celebration please.

          2. Lorelei, how are you feeling? I just read about the nausea yesterday, are you pregnant? Will you call your newborn Finn? Haha JK, I really hope you’re better today. Ginger helps with nausea, I’m not that sure about broccoli and cheddar…But I’m not planning any funeral anytime soon! 😘

          3. If I have a son we shall call him Finn! I’m on and off weak and achy. Not sure why as a viral etiology should be a consistent thing. This comes and goes. I’ve been lifting weights and it can’t be helping as I have not done so for a few weeks, I’m sore. (I hate lifting weights and whine the entire time)
            My exercise guy makes fun of me because I complain so much. I despise it.

          4. Lorelei
            Pretend the weights are shopping bags filled with your new purchases. You’ll be ripped in no time.

          5. NA—you are correct. I hate upper body work. Always have. This is a new vision. I’m wanting to start yoga. I keep saying this but my travels prohibited a new thing. I love the elliptical.

          6. Lorelei, feel better ,maybe the stomach flu is going around. You birthday is soon and you dont want to be sick .take care

          7. It’s just window shopping. If they would give me work to do it would not happen. Hours of no work. I’ve twirled my mane.

          8. HG, shopping always makes a girl feel better .
            Just like devulation makes a Narc feel better lol.

        1. Yay you go, Pati! Have fun!! Wish I could join the party, I love parties. Dolores, that made me smile.

          1. You are welcome to come if you like. I havent gone out with friends in awhile so it will be fun!
            Thank you !

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