Poll : How Did The Narcissist Behave Towards The Ex?
It is usually the case that there will have been an ex when you engaged with your narcissist, where the entanglement falls within the romantic dynamic.
How did the narcissist behave with regard to the ex? Was he or she never mentioned or barely referred to, as if there was never one or if there was, he or she had simply vanished off the planet? Perhaps the ex was smeared, called the psycho ex or the crazy harpy? Alternatively, did the narcissist speak well of the ex and did so in the highest terms in order to demonstrate there was no ill feeling or did you later realise that there was triangulation taking place as the various virtues of the ex were espoused to make you jealous, hurt or irritated?
Perhaps the narcissist started off smearing the ex but then it changed and he or she shifting tack, being pleasant to and speaking well of this ex? Did the narcissist return to the ex at any point, either whilst still involved with you or afterwards or perhaps even both. You may choose as many as are applicable before casting your vote and do expand on your experiences in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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Some of the comments on this thread had me howling with laughter, so good to read. One of the highlights of my day 🙂
That Lesser never mentioned any exes. MRN slagged his off, badly.
Didn’t really have a lot of x’es. Perhaps because we were both fairly young when we met. Only ever mentioned one once, and only because he/we saw her on at tv spot on some local thing.
MMR Elite has just separated from long marriage (she escaped). He smeared her and pity played from the off- altho recently he softened on it.. her boyf and her broke up , she neeeeeds him, so hes helping her move etc. He’s gonna try to get some delicious hoover fuel. I didn’t find out what happened as I implemented NC
The Narcoholic smeared the ex at first (crazy, wild, cheated) but then later she came around as a “friend” and he tried twice to hoover her and trade me out. She refused him both times LMAO
Once again I don’t know what happened as I’ve been NC a year now .
The Midranger, told me stories about how he wasn’t able to satisfy his ex, and how she cheated on him.
The Malignant Narcissist had these very bizarre, and strange stories about his ex that I knew weren’t completely accurate. He did have an impressive resume of exes, but there was too much chaos involved with his depiction of these women. The common denominator with these stories were him. At our most recent court hearings, I was floored with how OUT THERE his depictions were of me. There was a small amount of truth, smothered in embellishment where is suited him. I was floored with how off the wall it became. This freak who knows nothing about me, had a detailed depiction of my life, finances, hobbies, etc. Document and document some more, Ladies!
He spoke of all his exes in great detail. When I brought up MY ex; he couldn’t stop me from talking fast enough. He practically put his hand over my mouth after I uttered the first sentence. He absolutely did not want to hear one single word about any of my exes, or past experiences with other men. Have you heard of this behavior with MMR’s HG?
Yes.
Cindy, MRN was also a mid-ranger. I didn’t offer up much (neither did he) and he really only probed about one ex. It was a really traumatic relationship and we had not been in touch for 17 years (we are now and it is fine). MRN wanted to know if I’d loved him. I said no. Maybe he was gauging whether I loved him (MRN) and/or would ever break free of him?
A perfect poll topic as always HG.
The LMR Somatic’s ex was the source of my anguish. He “loved her” and not me, and I loved him. Yet he left her for me, and she was begging to be back with him. He loved her yet called her a “fucking whore” and a “bitch”. He loved her yet spent all his time with me.
HG was my Salvation after years of confusion, anguish, and blaming myself. HG explained everything in the Narc Detector. HG is a hero and I owe everything to him. HG explained exactly how I was being manipulated and exactly why the LMR is a Narcissist, and belongs in the LMR Somatic classification. It was literally the best money I’ve ever spent. My mum said the same thing, she was astounded by how such little money saved my life. If you’ve been with a Narcissist you NEED to get the Narcissist Detector.
HG, I even had 2 white hairs from confusion and stress, and they went away after the Narcissist Detector. They are still gone 2 years later.
After reading Fuel I think I know why the LMR left his ex to be with me. She was a Standard Carrier Empath and I’m a Carrier/Geyser Standard Empath with Codependent traits and I gave him soooooo much Fuel. Too much. He hated my Geyser traits. He said I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. She was more predictable but gave x10 less fuel.
Told me he didn’t love her. And he only stayed for the children. And that she was very overweight and not attractive. And that her eyes were crossed. Mentioned she was abusive and controlling. Didn’t help with the children he did everything. Never wanted sex and didn’t want it from her. But later he said I wanted what she had. No I have my own things.
She never was truly the ex. They would have separations (she would kick him out of the house or she would leave for a period of time), but he would go back.
In the beginning he would compare her to my ex and act like he was going through the same thing like his relationship was ending too. Always stating she was crazy.
When they were together he would triangulate us. She was very passive aggressive and a narcissist herself. He would stand up for me sometimes when we were all together which made her mad. He would say that he expected more of me and I was the one he expected to take the high ground. He often said she was like a child and could not put herself in another person’s shoes.
Dear Mr Tudor,
When someone talks about their ex …it’s like that movie
“The Neverending story”
This is what you need to do asap 😂
https://youtu.be/SXmk8dbFv_o
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Great “red flag” poll Mr Tudor…. “ex” it stage left 🤣
Won’t allow me to vote, either. My MMRN rarely spoke about his–and like another commenter, they weren’t ex’s yet. When he did, he trotted out all the clichés, ‘they were more like room mates’, ‘she didn’t get him, like I did’ etc. He would say (somewhat tellingly, as I later found out thanks to HG and his work regarding co-dependents) ‘she’s weak, but you’re strong’. She couldn’t drive (he never let her), had few friends except for work acquaintances etc. He made her ‘weak’, I figured out, because when I proved too ‘strong’ (wasn’t putting up with the shit anymore) he ran back to her as fast as he could. I felt sorry for her, feel sorry for her, but damn glad I’m NOT her. As far as smearing, I never said a bad word about her, EVER, not to him or anyone (respect for the fact she was the mother of his kids, if nothing else) but when he went back to her, he admitted he sent her a 6 page letter and told her *I* had made fun of her, laughed at her, etc. THAT made me go ballistic. I roared at him that he knew it wasn’t true and eventually, he admitted it wasn’t. To me. I’m sure he never did, to her.
Thank God I found HG’s blog and thank God I’m not her. She can have him. With bells.
He never really said anything that bad about her. He just claimed to have never loved her (which is true but he still obsessed over her in his narc way as he did with me, so there is no difference)
And he tried to use her to make me jealous. I met her. She quite obviously had no interest in him romantically and had a new partner but he was constantly trying to hug her (she looked uncomfortable.) he also pulled me to one side to tell me that she and him are “kindred spirits.” I’m not possessive so he had to try extra hard to provoke me. And yes it worked.
She was a nice person, I don’t know how she is able to cope remaining friends with him.. one can only hope her boyfriend will punch him, if he hasn’t already.
My fiance and her ex lived in the same building. After he kicked her out cuz of her behaviour she got an apartment in the same building. She would still hang around with him, mostly for drinking binges. I don’t believe they were having sex because after they split she caught a sexual disease that was transmittable. I don’t believe any man except except me would have had anything to do with her in that aspect. After she pulled out without a word of explanation, I attempted numerous times to contact her and find out what was up. Since she lived in another city, I went to see her to find out what was wrong. She happened to be on the sidewalk in front of her place with her ex-boyfriend. She made a show of kissing him and pretending to touch his groin so I would see. She has since had me charged for trying to contact her and do what normal people do, have a conversation. Very evil person, is what I have discovered.
I can’t vote for some reason. Not having a good tech day! ExHL smeared the hell out of all of his exes. Am sure he smeared me too but I don’t care.
MRN smeared more mildly and the ‘ex’ wasn’t really his ex anyway, as I discovered. I mostly ignored whatever he said about IPPS and formed my own opinions.
However, MRN once also smeared the SIL who discovered his brother’s four years of cheating when they had three small children. As MRN recounted the conversation he’d had with IPPS about it, he noted that IPPS smeared her too – in other words, when they were ‘reconciling’ they bonded over an SIL they both found ‘difficult’ and deserving of being cheated on, all while MRN was cheating on IPPS with me! Of course MRN did not get the irony. When he smeared his SIL, I defended her and he walked back what he said. I also began to dislike IPPS for bashing her SIL, came to believe that MRN was your run of the mill misogynist and that the whole family were narcs.
Mine wasn’t the sharpest of tools. His ex wife was smeared at first, then lauded while I was in devaluation. His ex gf who he talked about as The One because of how they met, left him because he hit her and cheated on her (red flags, anyone?) but I could never compare to her in his eyes because I didn’t dust the house often enough. I think she was pretty narcissistic herself, but it hurt her when he married me. I’m quite sure I don’t know everything. Like how many times he screwed his exes while we were together.
He claimed that the mother of his first child was a drug addict. He claimed the mother of of twins “was materialistic” and wanted more than he could provide for her. His latest appliance was a herion addict and only happy when she was high on something. However, during one of his drunken episodes, he stated that he had only every loved V…. He denied it the next day of course.
During my brief ensnarement with a MMRN, she wasted no time talking about ex’s and painting them in an unfavorable light. When the MMRN bragged about once charging an ex’s credit card with a round of drinks for the entire bar because he was ignoring her during a date, I should have run for the hills. Alas, that was before I discovered HG and my ET was still firmly in control.
When I started dating the LMRN, I was looking for signs of the LMRN talking about an ex because I knew it was a red flag after reading HG’s works. At the time, I didn’t pick up on this red flag and thought I was dating a normal person, but unfortunately for me, the red flag was there and my ET blinded me to it.
After a few months of dating and then being shelved in a bewildering fashion, I eventually consulted with HG. I learned that I was an IPSS while the IPPS (one of the LMRN’s roommates) was in devaluation. The LMRN made all the classic narc moves of bad mouthing the roommate, trying to create jealously between us, having me hang out around the roommate, and even accusing the roommate of sexual harassment. I had picked up on the roommate liking the LMRN, but thanks to my ET, I never made the connection that her roommate was an ex and just assumed he had an unrequited crush on the LMRN.
In retrospect, it should have all been so clear, but that’s ET for you. Going forward, if I ever start dating again, I’m absolutely consulting with HG sooner rather than later.
HG approves.
The ex had the descriptive nickname of “The fire-breathing cunt from the depths of hell”
I really liked her.
I haven’t read the books yet (one is in the mail!) but from what I can tell here, the Narc was either a lesser or Mid-Range. And yet, he seems so calculating in other ways. He has many ex’s of course, but the one who seems to be his main supply is someone he never called an ex. He claimed they were good friends, said they slept together twice but decided to just be friends. This was the explanation I pressed for when he first flaunted her to me; my instincts told me she was more than a friend. He stayed in contact with her the whole time we were together, using the common claim that she was suicidal and needed his help. He may have also used her as an excuse when in fact he was calling other targets. He was hiding me from her too. When I took it upon myself to let her know I was his “girlfriend” she got mad at him and went on a trip by herself that they planned together (ha!). Of course, when I was further ensnared he revealed that they sleep together all the time. What, if anything, can I do to help her see who he is? She’s inexperienced and he’s had her for almost 2 years so I don’t have much hope.
Also, HG, what do you think of this:
The narc said he tells the ex that they are still just friends when they sleep together. I asked, “Do you tell her before or after you have sex?” He got frustrated and yelled, “What does it matter?” I replied, not knowing yet at the time what he really is, “Because if you tell a girl who is in love with you, as I can tell she is, *after* you have sex that you are just friends, then it is extremely painful. You tell me you care about her so I’m helping you not hurt her again.” He got very frustrated with me. I couldn’t see his face as we were on the phone. His delusion/story is that he cares about her and looks after her. So, does he believe his own delusion and got mad because I poked a hole in his logic, was he just pretending to be mad to devalue me and my insight, or was he truly frustrated because I was exposing him?
I think it’s great you’re using your knowledge to help us. If only more narcs would be smart enough to profit off their condition!
Also, he has a story of his first love. He says he’s still in love with her. I don’t expect to date virgins and I’m generally not a jealous person so I wasn’t bothered by this story. It wasn’t until after a few attempts of him flaunting her and other girlfriends that he no longer talks to, even exclaiming, “you’re not jealous?!?” that he introduced the “friend.”
The weird thing is that he didn’t want to flaunt me online (he’s an Instagram attention whore). All the pictures we took were on my phone and I held them hostage until he posted about me. I wanted the “social contract” as they call it in philosophy regarding trust, that he was sincere about wanting me to move in and start a family. He could have been hiding me to keep working on his many targets (not just the main one I was worried about) but wouldn’t he want to use me to triangulate them?
Hello Alexandra,
Thank you for ordering a book. Keep reading. You will find them very useful indeed.
To ascertain the type of narcissist, please use this https://narcsite.com/narc-detector/
The other person in the triangulation is not your concern. It is understandable that you wish to help her, but you are at risk because your Emotional Thinking is too high and you will only continue to be ensnared if you try to help her. Moreover, as you appear to acknowledge, the prospects of success in getting her to realise what is happening are too low to merit risking your own position.
In your penultimate paragraph you issued Challenge Fuel and his narcissism instinctively fought against it to assert control over you. He does not know what he is therefore he does not pretend to be made, he is frustrated owing to your issuing of Challenge Fuel. To understand this in greater detail so I can help you further with these issues, you are best served through a consultation.
From the very beginning he planted a seed in my mind that I will never be as good as brilliant as intelligent as powerful as sexy as his ex.
Of course he also was telling me bad things about her at the same time – that he hates her, she mistreated him, she escaped, she found someone new, she used him, he wants her to go to hell.
But his obssesion with her, even negative was something I was jaelous about, it was making me feel inferior and powerless comparing to her – love of his life who was controlling his thoughts even during no contact and being happy in new relationship.
Of course it was all BS, she wasnt a demon, she was a normal girl who was used by him as DLS, totally under his control and she suddenly with help of others escaped and found happiness elsewhere. But in my mind she was evil and fascinating heroine I could never be. I was in constant fear she would come back to him an he will leave me for her without any thought.
That made me really sad! Both for you to have lived in fear and for the DLS who was having her name smeared.
Ex has already popped out I’m a narc. His narkiness will not allow me to be anything other than a Greater. I’ve displayed zero agressive behaviour towards the kids as a Lesser would. You could never describe me as passive agressive or not forthright.
Yup, I’m calling it GEN!
To make a serious point, its frightening how easy it is to twist the mind of a new partner. This is because so many Empaths suffer from a shocking lack of self-esteem.
Thank you, indeed it was very difficult for me, as an empath I wanted to mend his broken heart and teach him to love again not knowing I am just manipulated by a psychopath. I am sure that girl was trying to do the same, but she was triangulated with his “evil wife” instead.
It is true with lack od self esteem. But I would say he targeted and seduced me when I had worse moment in my life, it was temporary and I was really vulnerable at that time. He used it. I took it happy I can focus on someone else, not on my own problems.
But happily it is all the past.
Gab
Good to hear it. I totally agree with you on vulnerable times. I’ve experienced that too.
Won’t allow me a vote. Acted like they were dead—it was odd.
Never talked about the most recent ex. Then later became embroiled in legal battle with ex of 10 years ago and the smearing was intense