Perchance To Sleep

PERCHANCE TO SLEEP.png

When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me.

You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve.

I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose.

You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious.

Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved.

This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.

Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt.

It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me.

I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this.

Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.

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131 Comments

      1. That sounds rather uncomfortable.

        On the bright side, if you eat garlic and onions, your body emits the smells pretty much from everywhere until they’re out of your system, so you’d be pretty safe from emotional vampires.

        Unless they’re Italian.

      1. Good point ,I mever thought of it hat way . Love does give problems. I cannot tolerate my emotional thinking anymore it seems to always take over . So your right .

        1. I’m not designed to love. You are. We are different but of course your kind does not realise, initially, that we are.

          1. They do, they are called narcissist and empath. So the conventional way you are led to believe that “opposites attract” is actually just a lie which is fed to you to con you. Remember (and I will be expanding on this in detail) we control the narrative when it comes to the idea of “love”.

          2. This make sense ,we are prime targets for the Narcissist, and we empaths are addicted to your kind.
            A match made in heaven.

          3. From my perspective, love is only a problem when you love a narcissist. I have never experienced a downside to any other love. It can hurt sometimes, of course it can, that’s part of life.
            But loving a narcissist is way beyond hurt.

          4. HG Tudor

            I’ve dealt with your pathetic kind several times and they were left licking their wounds every single time. You narcissists can only endure with the weak, for in the in the face of the strong you’re rendered into a state of nothingness. A courageous, virtuous man is convincing in his speech which is something you fear the most. Heck, plain old indifference is enough to propel your kind into a state of despair. A strong empath is more powerful than a narcissist will ever be. As evidence of your foolishness and hysteria, you convince yourself that you’re invincible albeit being dependent on other human beings during every single waking hour.

            – A strong empath

          5. So writes someone in such terms the first time they appear and who calls themselves Generalissimo.

            I see you.

          6. Awww Pati. You’re doing great. It takes time. But the fact you know what he is and you’re here working on it is providing focus. I was exactly where you were and I can recall people saying to me that it will get better and you will get stronger. I never felt that was even possible. But it absolutely will I promise you xxx

          7. Thank you ,right now I feel like its impossible, I will get there as long as my ET diminishes.

          8. It will definitely diminish Pati. The more you learn the stronger you become, the more the LT helps override the ET.

          9. Generalissimo
            Is there any chance you are a Super Empath and were in a relationship with a Greater?

        2. Pati: this is like a cat thinking “If only I were a puppy, so people would like me better.” It’s a CAT. Even if you could teach it to play fetch or chase cars (and I’ve known cats who did one or both), it wouldn’t become a puppy. You might even ruin a good mouser in the process.

          This is the FIRST site that doesn’t engage in subtle (or not-so-subtle) victim-shaming because you committed some kind of Orwellian thoughtcrime. You don’t need the right attitude. HG’s procedures are not placebos that work only if you believe in them, like clapping your hands to save Tinkerbell. You can feel lousy and unmotivated, but not lurking on an ex’s blog and blocking the ex on social media will still make things better.

          Learning not to let our emotions rule our decisions and actions is one thing; not having our emotions is another, and so far, I haven’t seen HG recommend anything of the kind.

          (Now I have to work on my own decisions and actions. My desire to excel has brought me into conflict with more than one authority figure. It never occurred to me that not only would they feel threatened by the possibility I might try to take their jobs, but that they would resent it even worse if I didn’t WANT their jobs. How dare I not envy them for something they’d sold their souls to get? HG’s writing on competition has opened my eyes, and I’m going to have learn how to avoid the ire of narcy supervisors. Frustrating, because if your work isn’t perfect, they will gladly nail you for that. As John Lennon put it, “They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool.” )

      2. HG have you ever seen the movie 9/12 weeks?
        Please let me know if Mickey Rourke was a Narcissist in that movie ? He had the signs?

          1. Both are critical disasters, I suspect that Fifty Shades of Shite was a commercial cinema success. Oh dear.

          2. Oh dear is right . I cant even imagine watching any of these. I would rather read one your books instead

          3. SP, you have seen the movie? Its an old one but a good one in my eyes. Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke played well.

          4. Pati, I saw it when I was around 15. A group of friends and I met in one of the friend’s house because his parents were off town that weekend to watch it. I remember very little but I remember I enjoyed Joe Cocker’s song. And both Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger looked very sexy. Whatever happened to Rourke’s face after that is criminal. I recently saw him in Berlin, I Love You and I gasped, though his acting is inversely proportional to his looks.

          5. He was professional boxer, I think he got his faced smashed and had major plastic surgery.
            He looks awful. Kim Basinger had a small part in Fifty Shades Darker.

          6. Pahaha!

            And this:
            “Battlefield Earth is 100 better than Fifty Shades Of Shite”

            Never saw 50 Shades…and Battlefield Earth was the only theatre movie I have ever walked out on.

          7. Forgive me if I’ve asked this before, but is 50 Shades even worth it as a drinking game or to organize your own Mystery Science Theater 3000?

            The people I know who are actually into BDSM refused to see it, as it was so inaccurate.

          8. That was a great movie.
            HG, has a handful of red pens in his office while doing consultations.

          9. I love The Secretary. I had a crush on James Spader since I saw his not-so-popular movie Stargate.

          10. Me too! Interestingly, my narc looks like a darker version of James Spader. Darker in all senses, although James S was a total asshole in that movie.

          11. Lol, yes he was an asshole on that movie SP. I can’t believe your X looked like him . I believe James Spader is bald now too.

          12. HAHAHAHAHA! Well mine is not yet, he has a receding hairline but he’s holding in wearing his hair long regardless. He fails to realize it’s ridiculous at this point.

          13. He knows I like long hair in men because we actually talked about this one night and I pointed out how all the guys I have dated had long hair at a certain point. He didn’t wear long hair before that, but I guess he does now. His hair is beautiful, what a shame he’s gonna lose it. Oops! In actuality I feel sorry for saying this, I guess deep inside I still feel some love/compassion/stupidity.

          14. I think it’s important to articulate to a man that if we like long hair on them, that it be on all sides of the head and not on a hinge. It appears that is unclear to some.

          15. Good point, NA! I’ll remember to add that essential note next time I’m expressing my aesthetic preferences, just in case. Lol.

          16. NA……
            “I think it’s important to articulate to a man that if we like long hair on them, that it be on all sides of the head and not on a hinge. It appears that is unclear to some.”
            and this is why I adore you……My coworkers think I am nuts right now as I have tears streaming down my face from laughter and the tea will need to be cleaned off my computer screen after I spit it out……but it is all worth it. I needed this today…

          17. It’s a shame when their hair falls out. Mine still has all his hair and brags about it . Anyways some men look handsome bald look at Mr. Clean lol

          18. Haha Mr Clean reminds me of Dwayne Johnson, The Rock. I actually find The Rock quite attractive!

          19. HG, do you know if he’s a Carrier by any chance? Trying to find my soulmate haha.

          20. Hahaha! It’s too early into the relationship, I don’t want to cross boundaries. Let it progress and I may next year.

          21. I mean, I’m sure he can carry anything he wants in those arms but you know what I meant …

          22. PS: He’s not my ex. He just wishes he was. He’s just somebody I used to know.

          23. if you have the time i suggest that you watch it, i think it depictes in some way how a mid-range narcissist might see their life.

          24. whoCares and Mr.HG,
            when you are going to watch a movie like battlefield earth, a marvel or a disney keep in minde that it will not be a literature or philosophy piece of art, the special effects will be amazing, the music will be amazing and you will fall back to childhood for a moment, that’s it, and if you were expecting somthing else you will be disapointed : p

          25. Liza
            Sounds an apt description of interaction with a narc. Suspending belief so you can accept shit.

          26. Liza,

            I have no problem with Marvel and many Disney movies – and I especially love amazing music and special effects – but that didn’t help Battlefield Earth!

            “if you were expecting somthing else you will be disapointed”

            Believe me I didn’t go with much expectation…I went to see it only because my boyfriend (at the time) wanted to, I love science fiction and I had an academic interest in cults and religious sects. What I wasn’t really expecting were elevator boots and Travolta’s squeaky voice – I was so outta there…

          27. SP! Berlin, I Love You is out already?? I love the “City, I Love You” series so much:) The day is looking up!

          28. Yes DH, it’s been out for a while. I really enjoyed Paris, Je T’Aime and NY, I Love You. I have my reservations about this third one but I won’t say anything because I don’t want to influence your view, let me know what you think when you watch it!

          29. Dear SP! I watched the “Berlin, I love you” today. Thank you very much for the tip off. I must say that I find the script rather naïve, weak and predictable, like a Latin American soap opera. Also, the film doesn’t do Berlin justice – it’s a much freakier city than the polished movie chose to portrait. It’s nowhere near the mesmerizing stories and cinematography of the Paris and NY movies of the same franchise. However, the cast was great and I enjoyed the actors’ performances. Not regretting the time spent, it was worth for the sake of it; so thank you again for the tip! What was your opinion?

          30. I’m glad you enjoyed it, DH. I agree with you. I had the feeling the stories lacked depth and there was not much characterization to feel a connection with each of the stories, unlike in the previous episodes where the vignettes were still short, but deep enough to at least inspire a reflection after watching each of them.

          31. HaHa, i hade fun watching it, i can only be sorry for you who had to watch without liking it, it must have been hard

          32. Haha SP!
            I watched the secretary when I was like 14 and I was disturbed lol!
            Such bad parenting I had to be allowed to stay up late and watch this filth!
            I will admit that it had an excellent ending

          33. Witch, I just saw your comment. I watched The Secretary with my Mexican ex (for those who remember the saga he likes baths with bubbles etc). We both got incredibly horny and ended up having a good time.

        1. WhoCares,
          “What I wasn’t really expecting were elevator boots and Travolta’s squeaky voice – I was so outta there”
          haha you killed me with that
          i’m less picky it amused me more than anything.

      3. Love doesn’t cause problems. Unrequited love does, or lack of love of loss of it. Like fuel. Fuel doesn’t cause problems, but lack of it or loss of it does. I guess we live for two different things: you live for fuel and we live for love.

        1. Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
          Why, then, O brawling love, O loving hate,
          O anything of nothing first created,
          O heavy lightness, serious vanity,
          Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms,
          Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health,
          Still-waking sleep that is not what it is.
          This love feel I, that feel no love in this.

          1. And yet that love (for Rosaline) was bullshit, much of which he cribbed from Romance of the Rose. Notice how quickly he forgets her when he meets Juliet?

            Now the question is, do R&J have Twue Wuv, or are they just a pair of impulsive teens poeticizing their hormones?

          2. Absolutely, I was thinking as I posted it that maybe Romeo was a narc, all of that intense love and drama in just a couple of days is not normal. But he’s kind of victimizing, I would totally dig Mercurio though. The soul/sole of the party.

          3. I’d go for Tybalt. Troublemaker spoiling for a fight, doesn’t get along with the uncle who apparently raised him, probably wears the Italian Renaissance equivalent of a black leather jacket….Sigh.

          4. Romeo and Juliette was one of the most painfull books i hade to read, there is no romantism in it, i loved Hamlet and the king lear, but no matter how i look at R&J i can’t see why it is so broadly apreciated, please, juliette was only 14, at that age my top priority was my score in Word of warcraft, i can’t imagine a teen calmly drinking poison in a semetary just besides the corpse of her lover, even if it is in an other era.

          5. Oh! Hamlet! What can you do with such an indecisive guy? To be, not to be, always tormented, full of melancholy, he sees dead people, has an Oedipus complex, and the clue that there’s method in his madness makes me suspect he’s not very clean or organized… not a good catch, Liza! Haha

          6. He was actually far more decisive than you appear to realise. He systematically and deliberately created cessation with all around him in order to protect himself. He rejected attachment in order to achieve singularity of intent.

          7. Yes but not very successful, all for nothing. I actually enjoy Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildernstern Are Dead better, if you want to get philosophical at least be absurd and not so depressing. My taste at least. Though I was Desdemona in a college performance.

          8. SP,
            not a good catch for my health and even my life, but an intriguing and facinating one. and he is too lucky to be just a coincidence.

          9. Sweet-P: Romeo’s capable of remorse, so he can’t be a full narc. Also, when he learns Juliet returns his feelings, he doesn’t promptly lose interest and look for another unattainable girl to get whiny emo-boy about.

            That said, if they’d managed to escape to Mantua, who knows whether they wouldn’t be arguing about house payments and soccer practice like everybody else.

        2. The only problem that love has ever caused a me a problem was falling in love with my husband at such a young age . Knowing he is a Narc made me feel worse

      4. It brings us a lot of joy as well. I can’t imagine my loved ones wanting to escape from me out of terror and having to find replacements. At least people genuinely love us back and stick around for that reason. Connections between empathetic people are truly wonderful

    1. Love does not “give problems”. Believing we’re acting out of love when in reality, all we’re doing is feeding our ET like a desperate addict does. Equating ET with Love is what creates the issues. I never loved the narcsissits in my life. I merely obsessed over them.

      1. I feel in love with my husband. I really did. The only thing I am doubting is that did I fall in love with an illusion. Do I love him now knowing what he is I dont know.

      2. Desiree, I’m glad you said this. I know for a fact I never felt love for the ex N either. If feeling pathetic and desperate all the time is love then I don’t want it!

        1. Do you respect him? I began to see that Wannabe Playuh-Narc was pretty pathetic, but by that time I had gone all Renee Zellwegger in Jerry McGuire and convinced myself that “I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.”

          [Quietly puking]

          1. Violetta, you had me at quietly puking! He IS the man he wants to be, and the man he almost is does not exist. I do not respect him. I pity that he was born to this. That is all the empathy I can pull from within me for him. He doesn’t want my pity though and I’m glad because it would kill me to openly give it to him.

          2. Hello NarcAngel, I’m still here. I never stray far from HG. Unfortunately I have been caught in the legal part of that situation I told you about a few months ago. Its taking a toll on me. How have you been?

          3. Mercy
            I’m good thanks. I noticed your absence and hoped that you were not caught up in that mess, but sorry to hear that has not been the case. Remember that if you find yourself getting drawn in deeper or unable to extricate yourself that you can always consult with HG on how best to handle it with the best outcome for you. You have to put yourself first, especially in this case Mercy. Please do, and take care until we speak again.

          4. Thank you NarcAngel. I plan to consult with HG. I know he is very busy right now so Im taking time to think about the questions that will be most effective. Take care and thanks again for your kind support.

        2. Mercy
          It’s true. And understanding and coming to terms with ones own true intentionts can be incredibly healing. I recently “coached” a friend of mine away from his abusive, cheating girlfriend. He would not go NC completely so as she continued to manipulate him, albeit merely over text, my friend went “She is taking advantage of my biggest weakness. My LOVE for her!”.
          I washed his head and he now understands that it was never love that drove him, but his own addictions and that he really met her halfway in her quest to take advantage of him, just not for the reasons he thought.

          1. Desiree, “She is taking advantage of my biggest weakness. My LOVE for her!” Wow we empaths can be so dramatic sometimes huh? It kinda pulls at the heart strings though watching someone go through that. Especially when we know, because we’ve been there, how devastated they are. I’m glad your friend has you for support.

            I know you’ve been here for awhile so I probably don’t need to say this but be careful of victim narcs. I’m not saying your friend is one but my need to help others has blinded me to a very clever narc that is positive he is the victim in every relationship.

          2. Mercy
            I know what you mean, had a Middle Mid-Range “friend” like that once. It got to the point where everytime I would meet up with her, at the end of it, I felt the evergrowing surge to hurl myself out the window. She got so annoying. I cut her out after she got envious of me for stupid reasons and tried to get me involved in some “friendship triangulation”. The triangulating seems to be a good indicator to recognize such “friends” by, it always happens sooner or later.

      3. Desirée that’s so true. I think it was just an obsession. At least my friends repeated that all the time: you’re obsessed you’re obsessed. My friend in London has told me that if I talk about him while visiting her again she’s gonna call Boris Johnson to get me deported.

      4. Interesting Desirée—I honestly could have cared less if my former spouse fell into a hole. I never loved him. It was like being in a wind tunnel—disorienting. I love my children, I would say I adore my pets.

  1. That’s a sad thing to read. Yet you would disagree for you feel no sadness. Were you in a position to feel sadness, I feel certain you’d agree it’s sad.

    1. Desiree. Yes, I’m a “super” empath who was raised by a greater narcissist, a cunning cult-leader who left destruction in his wake. As a child, I naturally possessed an extremely warlike disposition – oppositional defiant disorder in its most vigorous manifestation. This was coupled with a robust sense of morality/justice which made me a nightmare for the narcissist in question. He honestly thought (and still does) that I’m some sort of abnormal spirit/freak of nature. He was always astounded that his manipulation tactics not only failed to work on me, but in many instances backfired. To him the world was in his image, an extension of his sentience; that someone would respond in the manner I have truly baffled him. Being a “greater” narcissist, he would not easily stand defeat so it took several years before he threw in the towel. In several instances, I would have him literally on his knees, completely debased, pleading for some sort of compromise. To save face, he would claim that he was only being a “concerned father”, an assertion that I challenged with facts, logic and sometimes responded to with plain-old indifference.

      I devoured him as well as other narcissists (who sometimes lived with us) that belonged to his side of the family.

      1. Generalissimo

        I’ve held my own and stood my ground with narcissists, even wounded, but to suggest that you could bring a Greater to their knees and have them pleading for compromise is completely contradictory to the very definition and behaviour of a Greater and therefore I doubt that is what you were dealing with. It’s great to have confidence, but better to have a more realistic picture. Most of us have a robust sense of morality/justice, but paring that with an equally robust imagination can work against you.

        Desiree
        You called it. Up top.

        1. NarcAngel, you are underestimating the number of Narcissists that I’ve met and had the opportunity to study in great detail. You may have blindly accepted HG Tudor’s fanciful, exaggerated assertion that there’s a class of Greater Narcissist who are qualitatively different to their fellow narcissists, but that isn’t the case. This whole notion is the product of a typical narcissist’s unrestrained imagination. A “Greater” Narcissist is a narcissist who has less fear of social consequences, that’s it. Notice I said less fear rather than no fear. Whenever there are intense motivations and hopes, they’re accompanied by fears – especially when your existence seemingly depends on it. They’re still feeble and (ironically) vulnerable parasites who need supply lest they plunge into psychosis. As for my Greater Narcissist father, he couldn’t disown me easily for two reasons: 1. He would not accept defeat easily, his optimism (for nefarious purposes of course) was almost boundless. 2. He had to maintain a facade of being an “awesome” father, exhibited to the world as a sort of interpersonal supersymmetry.

          I’ve witnessed my “Greater” Narcissist father discard women almost overnight (they typically posed no challenge – was it because of his status? I don’t know), like a little boy disposing of a toy after it ceased amusing him. Somehow when you’re the son of a Greater Narcissist, they genuinely believe that you’re their property in the complete sense of the word, a direct product of their agency.

          A “super” empath is by an order of magnitude more potent than a narcissist, whether “Greater” or “Lesser”. A strong empath has adaptive forms of narcissism, which studies demonstrate to be conducive to success as well as mental and physical health; while a “narcissist” (in the NPD-sense) has maladaptive forms of narcissism, which is linked to burnout, failure, debauchery, co-morbidity and loss of social status.

          In a sense, we’re monsters, the good kind of monsters.

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