I See Sanctuary

I SEE SANCTUARY

When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.

You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.

The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.

Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.

Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.

Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.

The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.

There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?

Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.

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59 Comments

  1. “Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. “

    I understand, you had difficult past but i wonder about narcissists who were over loved and golden children. They seem to be always very positive and easy-going. They weren’t allowed to control their destiny but still everything came too easily for them and had happy childhood i’d say.
    Shouldn’t it be easier for them to change if it was possible?

    I think my ex was betrayed by his first love.

    Seeking sanctuary from another person is not a permanent solution. Even if IPPS manages to provide you with your precious fuel without it getting stale, there is still a risk that you might lose her. You never now what awaits you in the future.

    I know that i am not the first person to say it: The only person who can save you is you. Your past motivated/forced you to become who you are now: High achiever, successful intelligent man who saved life of countless people who were victimized by your kind. Why don’t you(adult HG) try to establish good relationships with your creature and give love that little boy deserved to receive? Noone is perfect.

    1. No, a narcissist is unable to change because the defence mechanism is hard wired. The defence mechanism perceives any threat to it and steers the host away from the threat.

      I do not need saving.

        1. Ironically HG doesnt need saving but the women being destroyed certainly do. And each of us here should be able to put ourselves in their shoes.

          1. True, i meant change/heal by “save”.

            Who destroyed those women? HG did. He told himself that he was unwilling and unable to change.

            I am able to put myself in anyone’s shoes. But will it help them in any way? No. The only way to save women from being destroyed by him is to give him incentive to change so he could finally find inner piece somehow and have long-lasting relationships. I don’t know whether the defense mechanism can be rewired.

          2. The only way to save those people is to educate them and ensure they apply that education.

            There is no way of rewiring what I am and no need to attempt to do so.

          3. Hi AR. I understood what you meant and I agree. HG does need saving and only he has the power to to do it. I know he will not agree, however to his possible annoyance and that of others, I will maintain that nothing is impossible with Jehovah God. With respect to the victims, it is a complex thing. The education provided will save them, but only if they find it and are willing and have the strength to apply it. Some victims are so ensnared and beaten down that they cannot find the strength within them to leave even when they are being destroyed. That’s where God comes in. In my own case, I eventually saw what was happening to me, knew it was unacceptable, but was so addicted I could no break away. So I admitted I could save myself and prayed for deliverance and the spell was broken. It was amazing! I literally felt the load lift. I’m not here saying that this will be everyone’s experience. It’s about your relationship with God, and it’s never too late and you’re never too far gone. It’s enough to say Lord I believe, please help my unbelief. Ok enough preaching, but I really believe this, not based on ET but evidence of changed lives including my own.

            I remember before my conversion more than 30 years ago how awful and cruel I was, selfish, self centered, mean spirited, envious, always trying to provoke others to anger to see their reaction, relishing in their embarrassment, demeaning, holding malice endlessly, thinking and wishing evil for others. I am the opposite of that now. If you did the slightest thing to offend me, that was what you got. So if change could happen for me, it can for anyone.

          4. Oh, is that what it is? Simple as that eh? – we forgot to pray. Oh wait…I did. Many times, and I was a child. Nothing happened except that things got worse.

            I’m glad if you feel that was helpful to your experience, but I think it’s a dangerous thing to advise people that when there are things they can actively do themselves besides bet on hope and wait for miracles.

            It sounds more like you recognized that the way you were operating was not working for you so you changed your methods. You can take the credit for that – no need to give it away by attributing it to anything else. Everyone has that power themselves.

          5. Hi NA. I am certainly not advocating that victims do not try to help themselves. That would be foolish. What I am saying is that sometimes you cannot help yourself and as a believer I call on the divine and that works for me. Please note that my focus has been on changing self. I recognized that Iwas addicted and could not stop communicating with the Narc even though it was destructive. I prayed that I would lose the urge to communicate and it happened. It was not magic. I had been praying, reading the Bible, and deliberately seeking for some time. After the release came, I still had the desire for understanding and so here I am – a student of the antithesis to what I believe- a supreme narcissist. It does not change or compromise my faith bc I see purpose. The fact is, even if I did not find HG, I would still be good because I felt the shift before I unexpectedly found this blog.

            With regard to my childhood I was severely abused. I did not have a relationship with God even though I attended church. When the abuse ended I was damaged. My personality changed. I did a lot of evil and was perfectly fine with it. It was purely instinctive. I revelled in it, and sought to perfect my art and skill. It felt powerful. No need for change, I thought. And then I was unexpectedly convicted (of sin) and my life changed.

            I don’t know your situation, and feel physical pain at the thought of abused children. I sometimes try to block it out, and struggle with why God allows this. But I don’t blame God. To do so would be helping the very person causing the pain. Instead I seek Him through prayer and His Word and ask Him for understanding and to reveal to me how I can help. I am a very imperfect person but growing every day and this blog and authentic people like you are part of my growth. Also I release the hatred and the anger and allow something else into its place. I sometimes think of God as this great engineer who designs a fantastic and intricate road network. He then leaves a manual for people to use. That manual ensures no accidents , and no deaths on those roads if observed. He then says use this road and I give you free will to obey the rules or not. People ignore and disobey the instructions so there is abuse, death, maiming and grief. They continue, even when they see the outcome. Do we then blame the engineer?

          6. Would I blame the engineer?
            I don’t believe in any such engineer. I think that is an illusion created for some to try and make sense of what feels beyond their control, and to keep holding onto hope when action fails or is not attempted. That’s one coping mechanism. An engineer who has us call on them, offer ourselves up to them, who decides who they will answer to and when, and who makes promises instead of addressing their huge design flaw that allows innocents to be abused by their creation? Hmm. Narcissism is also a defence and coping mechanism for some and yet we do not advocate embracing that on a large scale despite the similarities noted above. I’m not sure one is any more effective than the other as a coping mechanism. They both appear as illusion to me.

          7. There are no design flaws in the scenario I presented. However to each is own. In my mind zero plus zero doesn’t add up to a trillion, and an areoplane doesn’t evolve from a screw.

          8. No idea what that means, but we have both presented our view and I agree with you on to each their own.

          9. Joy & Love:
            “The education provided will save them, but only if they find it and are willing and have the strength to apply it.”

            HG doesn’t have a motive to change. He doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, and as long as he can charm people, he can get another girlfriend.

            He’d a need a damned good reason to want to change.

            As it happens, I believe in God and had my share of small miracles, but we have Free Will. God doesn’t force anyone to come to him.

            That said, nothing is stopping you from praying for HG’s soul. You don’t even have to tell him about it.

          10. Hi J&L,

            I don’t believe in God.

            Your comment reminded me of one toxic woman i knew. She was 15-17 years older than me. She was mean and blunt. She thought i was one of her kind(she:” i can easily recognize women of my kind”). She told me her story. She used to be aggressive and would easily lash out to her children and husband for no apparent reason. Or she would put down people and give unwanted advices as if the way she lives and thinks was the only right way. She had very difficult past. It took her 10 years to be able to make some changes, control her anger and even to learn how to laugh at oneself.

            I remember the day when we decided to meet up in a cafe. It was winter. And she was wearing sunglasses. That was weird for me. She was bad at hiding her envy and evil eyes. I am not in touch with her now but i am truly grateful for all her support she gave me at the time when i needed mother figure.

          11. Sorry AR, I don’t get your point. What comment are you referring to? Also, the woman was evil, and yet she gave you support at the time you needed a mother figure?

            In my case I always say thank God for grace. This is an open forum and I’m simply sharing my point of view. No one has to a accept it. In the same way that I read other POVs and select what I accept or don’t accept.

          12. If you don’t believe in God, how did life come to be? Do you believe we came from monkeys?

          13. Why should i believe in God? Can you provide me with the evidence that he exists?

            Read about Big Bang theory.

            I do believe in Darvinism.

          14. AR, there’s no need for you to believe if you choose not to. I don’t believe in Darwinism or Big Bang theory. I believe in intelligent design.

          15. J&L,

            I was referring to a comment where you described your old self. I didn’t say that she was evil but her eyes. She was looking at me with envy that day. She was totally different person.

            She was very good at the beginning. I even admired her wisdom. She was frenemy.

            I started to see through her mask when she started to use projection and told me about the person she used to be and how she managed to make some changes. She didn’t have a role model in her family just like me. She was neglected by her mother as well. Her dad left them for another woman. I am not surprised why she is agressive.

          16. Ok. Sometimes we go through things that really change us for better or worse. Her transformation must have been quite a disappointment for you, but I’m reminded of a quote ” Be kind because everyone is going through a battle you know nothing about”.

          17. There is far more evidence in creation than evolution. Do the research. Darwin is a Joke!

          18. J&l,

            No. You misunderstood. I just saw for who she truly is later, when things started to get better in my life.

            I had other ex mid-range friends as well. They are there for you when you are down, ready to listen and give advice. But when you finally start to make positive changes in your life, they start to avoid you.

            “Pay close attention to people who don’t clap when you win”.

      1. HG , at least you know what you are
        The other day my husband knows I am reaching Narcissism and said to me i am not a N I didnt even say anything . You are right it Is a self defense mechanism but was he getting paranoid.

      2. Can the same be said of a CoD who has been abused since childhood and imprinted on? As much as they might try something inside of them sends them back to the only existence they have known, and they cannot change or be saved?

        1. You cannot be changed, but you can manage your behaviours more effectively which in effect results in being saved.

          1. Isn’t that what you are trying to do HG by changing your dynamic, you’re managing your behavior? Your intelligence and control allows you to do this, others do not have the control and will power that you have. Thank you for answering HG.

    2. AR: Those kids weren’t over-loved. There were valued exactly as much as they reflected well on their parents, and they sensed it, even if they couldn’t articulate it. Their parents didn’t care enough about them to stop them from developing habits that could hurt them in later life.

      Did HG’s mother care if incidents like tossing the boy into the nettles meant that other kids would shun him instead of letting him be the undisputed leader? No. Did she care that he might grow into a violent criminal, unable to restrain his aggressive impulses? No.

      For a different perspective, the musical Gypsy is based on the memoirs of burlesque queen Gypsy Rose Lee, where she wrote about feeling neglected in favor of her sister June, a child star in vaudeville. If you read June’s memoirs, Early Havoc and More Havoc, you see that June never felt loved either–just used. Her mother put her onstage when she had chicken pox, and when she was once too sick to perform at all, the mother left her in a hotel room to “get rest” and totally ignored her. No bedside visits, no chicken soup, no reading or singing to her. June recognized that her bond with the audience became her lifeline, because couldn’t any emotional sustenance from her mother.

      1. Violetta, i think you should reread my comment especially last paragraph. I was talking about golden children not HG. I know that he was B grader.

        My aunt told me once that her daughter wished to have parents like mine. I couldn’t help myself but to laugh. Yes i was financially supported but i didn’t receive any emotional support or encouraged to be successful. I was neglected. They didn’t give a shit about me and my life. My eldest brother is exception. He did give me some support and encouragement when i was teenager. Some of my teachers knew more about me than they did that time. I didn’t get a praise at all when i would win a competition or achieved something. My old friend’s parents would give her flowers and even celebrate her achievements. She was the eldest and the only girl in her family. I am sure she was golden child. I have another current female friend who was spoiled by her dad since she is the only child. She dates older men as well( men who will spoil her just like her dad)

        I mentioned all of this because as you say to some outsiders it may seem that I am lucky to have parents like them.

          1. I just think NO golden children are over loved. Or loved at all.

            Unvarying approval might as well be indifference.

            Ever read Noel Streatfeild’s Theatre Shoes (UK Mrs. Wintle’s Wonders)? Mrs. Wintle runs a dance school and spoils her own daughter rotten. She doesn’t seem to notice or care that the other kids hate Dulcie and mock her behind her back. Nor does she seem to care that if Dulcie is difficult to work with, directors will be reluctant to cast her, no matter how talented she is.

            The Golden Child’s parents don’t care about that child’s future. They want to feel good about themselves right now, and spoiling the child is how they do it. If you’ve watched Dance Moms or Toddlers and Tiaras, that’s the type. The child is just a stand-in for the narc parent.

        1. AR, your upbringing seems similar to mine. From the outside looking in, it was perfect. “i didn’t receive any emotional support or encouraged to be successful. I was neglected. They didn’t give a shit about me and my life.”

          Boy did this resonate. I was just a liability growing up. Not only did I not have any value, I was a detriment because I had physical needs. When there is shame around having basic needs, it changes who you are.

          1. Hi MB,

            It is interesting to read that it resonated with you.

            I understand what you mean. My matrinarc made me feel like a burden as well.

      2. It is already a question of whether the parent’s love was real or not. And what do we understand by real love. Since parents are narcs, the love is not real. The supposed love was given excessively to golden children compare to the one’s who didn’t receive it or even to the one’s who were truly loved by normal parents.

        I neither read nor watched.

        I do agree with the fact that they don’t care about the future of their children. They don’t think long-term. I know one guy. He is friend of my brother. He dropped out of university 2 times and now he is running his mother’s business. Most of them don’t learn to how to be independent (if sth happens my rich parents will sort out my problems themselves) or don’t have incentive to earn their own achievements.

        1. I suspect that most stage-mothers and Momagers have no idea that their love isn’t real. JonBenet’s mother was of this type. They don’t have enough awareness to see how much pressure they’re putting on their kids. They’ll even say, “She doesn’t want to stop,” as if an 18-month-old were capable of making such a decision.

          As for Muchausen-by-proxy types, I can’t even fathom how they view their own actions. Lacey Spears was perfectly willing to torture her son while he lived and capitalize off his eventual death, all for the purpose of getting sympathy on her mommy-blog. She still seems completely oblivious to what she is, complaining that jail is too brutal for her in a recent article:

          The mom blogger told the author of an upcoming book that she was unhappy in jail.

          She complained that her fellow inmates constantly bully her throughout her sentence in Bedford Hills prison, a facility located in Westchester County, New York.

          In prison, inmates nicknamed her ‘baby killer’.

          “When she walked through the line and it would be her turn to pick up the tray (someone) would put salt packets over her meal and then hand the tray to her,” Spears’ sister, Rebecca, told the crime writer John Glatt, according to RadarOnline.

          “It’s been brutal here. Crimes involving children are considered the worst here,” Lacey reportedly told Glatt.

          “I hear them talking behind my back, calling me ‘baby killer,’ ‘child killer,’ and ‘mother of the year.’ But I know it’s not who I am.”

          She claimed that she was not responsible for her son’s death – she was the victim instead!

          Lacey Spears, now incarcerated for 20 years to life for her crimes, complains of her fellow inmates pouring salt on her food before serving it to her

          1. A narcisisst, blinded by the narcissism to believe she has done nothing wrong and that she is the victim. MBP – that is just the manipulation of a narcissist, but people fail to see it. To injure a child in order to gain attention is demonstrating a lack of emotional empathy coupled with the need for asserting control and gaining fuel, yet supposed experts fail to see this repeatedly.

          2. Violetta
            Truthseeker urges me to read the article and bear witness, but Justice threatens to bare her teeth at the slightest transgression for the remainder of the day if I do.

          3. Mind you, I expect to have a good, long fry in purgatory myself, if I make it to heaven at all.

          4. NarcAngel:
            She’s dead, but a lot of people would like to resurrect her just so they could beat the shit out of her.

    3. “Seeking sanctuary from another person is not a permanent solution” stood out to me in the previous comment. Empaths would do well to remember that also. Many of us sought that out (most unconsciously) and find it hard to let go, and we are not even wired that way. The focus has to be on saving ourselves and not them. We don’t ask the wolf, bear, or shark to change. We acknowledge and accept them for what they are and that they have a place in the world while avoiding direct interaction to save ourselves. We view them at a safe distance and usually behind glass, but we don’t wish for their demise for being what they are.

  2. If ya’ll know how to create loving relationships I don’t see why y’all dont keep it going.
    It isn’t that the victim has done something, its that that Narcs are chronically bored with the new person, and the hunt is the main fun, as is torturing someone who cares (the current).
    But I get it.

  3. My favourite post of yours HG Tudor, thank you

    You held me without touch,you kept me without chains.
    I never wanted anything so much,than to drown in your love,and not feel your rain.
    I fell in love with a man who made me feel so alive,but none of it was real.
    You never really loved me, you simply loved the way I loved you.
    A beautiful, damaged, empty ghost who I have let go to & haunt someone else.
    I left because I wanted to remember you for the man I adored, rather than stay & remember you for the man I despised.
    Xox

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  5. I don’t believe it. If you’re so much smarter and better than anyone else, why haven’t you learned how to sustain that adoration? It’s easy. Those who are attracted to you most – empaths – are the best candidates for this. They are fiercely loyal. They love unconditionally. They resolve conflict and misunderstanding through respect, intuition l, insight and compassion. All you have to do is admit one thing; that you need to learn from them. Your desire to control ruins what you seek to achieve with it. You’re not bravely fighting your monsters. Your will to survive is weaker than theirs. Your inability to adapt is a sign of unintelligence. You have all the answers in front of you every time. But, you lack the one thing that your targets excel in – a fearlessness to face pain.

    1. Petal: NPD is currently thought to be a perfect storm of neurology and bad parenting. Had HG had loving, morally consistent parents, he might have developed a moral exoskeleton, even if he didn’t “feel” compassion or regret (see James Fallon’s The Psychopath Inside). Had he been born with different neural configuration, he would not have responded to childhood experiences with NPD (i.e., his sister, and many other kids from horrific backgrounds).

      Sometimes I wonder how free our Free Will actually is.

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