7 Sorrows of the Narcissist
1. I am sorry I went away.
You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.
2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.
3. I am sorry that I hit you.
You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.
4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.
If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.
5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.
I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.
6. I am sorry I am not a better person.
I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.
7. I am sorry for myself.
At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.
45 thoughts on “7 Sorrows of the Narcissist”
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FM1T
It doesn’t matter if I’m naughty or nice – there is no hope for anything else. He’s still sore over the James Corden bobblehead I got him for Christmas last year.
When I outed her behaviour, and after the long resultant silence, she denied everything, saying ‘As God is my witness, my conscience is clear’. Eventually, when faced with more evidence, the closest she ever got to an apology was when she said: ‘I was tearful when I read your email, and I really feel for you’. Wow.
Evangelised
Your comment was an excellent example of your challenge fuel (outing her behavior) being addressed with The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence.
Silent treatment, denial, and invalidation/gas lighting.
This statement was a Pity Play: ‘I was tearful when I read your email, and I really feel for you’.
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/23/the-narcissists-twin-lines-of-defence/
“I am sorry for wasting my time and energy looking at pictures of pretty girls on the Internet, but this is just a small part of my life and please don’t waste your time thinking about it”. An ACTUAL apology of a Narc caught cyber cheating (not just “looking at pictures”, oh no). What kind of person comes up with an excuse like that? Why did I try to find logic in this sentence? Does he hear himself say it, does he believe this lame bullshit himself?
Thank you
“I’m sorry” are 2 words I’ve never heard my narc say. They don’t exist in his vocabulary.
Things that make you go hmmmm…..
My ex did all of the things above, but never, in 30 years, did he ever say “I am sorry”. Never.
Probably the only honest thing he did.
You know, that;s exactly what I was thinking too. The one thing he never lied to me about.
Hi HG,
Is the narcissist calling ME a narcissist Usual behavior? He shares articles about how a narcissist always plays the victims and looks like a good person etc.
Upside down world!?!?
It is relatively common for a narcissist to accuse the True Victim of being a narcissist. This occurs because from the narcissists perspective he is the victim and your threat to his control manifests as you being controlling, haranguing, manipulative etc. Mid Ranger Narcissists tend to use this accusation as they are more likely to have access to information about narcissists. Of course, their narcissism blinds them form seeing that their own behaviours accord with the behaviour of the narcissist, so they never see it in themselves.
Totally! My Narcissist HATED Trump, yet didn’t realize he was exactly the same, yet understandably on a smaller scale.
P.S. Wow, I wrote in past tense about the guy. Progress? 😉
the 5 th one made me laugh , because ironicaly he was always accusing me of being an iceberg, for wanting to deal alone with my problems and not leting him play “his role”. i think that his main issue is that if i tell him about my problems he would know how to upset me effectively latter. (or i may be just retrospectively paranoid and see all his actions in black).
You don’t sound paranoid to me, Liza. It’s more like you are quite knowledgeable about what a narcissist is capable of.
thank you for your acknowledgement, lisk.
Hi HG it’s been a while I have been sorting out my life I’m really getting there firstly I’m separated and I have taken action against my doctor for reprisal and medical negligence 6weeks ago I had a surgery I should have had at least years ago but he was refusing to treat me because I rejected him in what you call the golden period his ego was badly hurt and he tried to reject me after that on a personal level but I did not react the way he expected I seriously question if anyone has ever rejected him on a personal level before but anyway the only thing he had over me was my medical care so he used the refusal of that as a weapon for years now and he had people believing I was upset because he would not see me but the silent treatment never works with me I know my value and so dose he. I am not like most empathic people I don’t lie or cheat so it would not have mattered who it was the fact that I was married made it unquestionably against my standards nor would I have gotten involved with him if I were single and he was married by the way I’m pretty sure he was or possibly is I would never get involved with anyone who was because again that is to far beneath me I deserve loyalty because I is what I give my marriage ended because he could not trust me and no matter what I did or said he couldn’t trust me so I left I am that woman who loves with all my heart mind and body and I don’t need my man to have a PHD to see him as worth loving I do admire intelligence but Just because somebody has a scholastic education does not make them more intelligent than someone who doesn’t not necessarily anyway I am very intelligent but I don’t use it in a way that makes someone feel bad about themselves I would much rather increase how they feel about themselves but thanks to you I understand that I have to do those things for myself before anyone else I have found myself again it is taken me a long time you pointed me in the right direction and I just went there and you will get your legacy As HG I don’t know about who you really are but he will also get his legacy and anyway thank you you have made a difference to my life
You are welcome.
Never for one moment did my narc or my narc boss express any of what you surmised
As you ought to understand from my extensive work, not all narcissists operate in exactly the same way.
Perhaps there was no reason to speak those words – from their perspective. Only when the have a reason to gain something from it will they try this sort of stunt in my experience – or of course for fuel or both. Mine is only saying it for personal gain – he needs me on side. He wants to see my response. His fuel lines are drying up too at the moment. I’m still learning so I could be way off the mark.
Interesting. I did not get any of the above at all. What does that mean?
It means that they were not deemed necessary by the narcissism to achieve what was needed, namely The Prime Aims.
He said – Hes sorry he didn’t treat me with the respect I deserved. He said he’s sorry he hurt me.
All empty words.
Indeed.
Well, at least he admitted to how he treated you.
Not that that’s what you need. But my Narcx would tell me things like, “I treat you with the utmost respect. I treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before.” Blah. Blah. Blah.
No real admission of what he had done.
Ah yes i had that with my exhusband LN. Be grateful etc.
Although this one is only admitting it because he thinks I’ve escaped. Empty words anyway.
Em
His words are as hollow as a cheap Easter bunny. Artificial chocolatey coating with nothing inside. So unsatisfying because you know what real chocolate tastes like, and if you accept imitation you will only have regret.
Oh NA!! You know I’m tempted but your words are just perfect to get me though this. Thank you. Yes artificial. It was like talking to a robot. He’s still stuck repeating the same mistakes for all his money and glamour.
I’ve kept a sneaky email address open and that is how I let him get to me. Then he called on an anonymous number and bang there it was a moment of lonely weakness.
Im going to block his email address right now.
Em
I could see in your words that logical thinking has a grip but that emotional thinking is trying to pry back it’s fingers. Don’t allow that to happen. There is nothing real there – the words or the man. Block him on all fronts. Fake is NEVER worth it, leaves a bad taste, and has negative after affects. Glad you reached out here when you began to doubt. Proud of you.
NA thought I could handle it. Bizarre juggling reality whilst hearing his words saying the same shite he was saying before. Not his fault etc. I still find myself replaying the conversations and wanting to exhaling more.
Yup emotion creeping in.
His emails now are filtered into a folder I don’t need to go to. I need to keep them for evidence if ever asked for. It will mean it’s not at the forefront of my mind.
Thank you. Thank god for this site. X
Well done re emails.
Thank you
Big step forward for me.
Em, good for you in resisting! It’s so hard when they say the words we want to hear.
Thank you Mercy. I haven’t heard from him since and my urge is to go back to him and ask why he wanted to see me. What was the point? He wanted to work out if I would testify against him or not. He didn’t ask me outright.
I didn’t give anything away just played along. Listened to how it was all one big mistake. How she misinterpreted his behaviour. – her fault.
Now I wish I’d given him my views right between the eyes. How stupid he was, how he ignored boundaries, how he does not respect women, how he has no insight, how he’s now trying to play it down, how Hes brought this on himself and how he deserves it..I said none of it. It would only have been fuel.
I know that would have been wrong but oh how I wish I had. Im cross because I was dumbstruck again, doing my duty listening to his woes. Oh how that caused my depression, carrying his burden the last time over many years.
No more.
Had to write this here to get it off my chest and not have to bother friends.
Thank you for this space and for everyone here who understands. X
Em, I can very much relate to what you said here. “I’m cross because I was dumbstruck again, doing my duty listening to his woes. Oh how that caused my depression, carrying his burden the last time over many years” Why do we listen to their problems when all the while we know they are the problem? I’ve found myself on the phone for hours listening, inserting “I understand, that’s horrible, you are right”. There are times I’d put the phone down to get dressed then pick it back up and he never knew I was gone. I’m starting to think I have alot of carrier traits.
Be glad you didn’t say those things to him. It would mean nothing. Just fuel to burn and then he’ll be on his way to find more. I’ve learned the apologies only last until I pick up the phone or respond to the text. After that, it’s all about them and what they want.
Mercy. Thank you. Odd how we get drawn in and begin behaving the same way all over again.
Even the apology he gave me was false. He apologised for cheating but added that he thought we’d had an understanding!! Did we hell. I said – even though I asked if there was anyone else and you said no! Then he asked when had I said that – more deflection. Shirking responsibility. Oh yes and he doesn’t fit in because he has aspergers. Gas lighting.
God why did I go back. He will never change. And he’s done to her what he’s done to me. And he will continue.
Yes he will Em but this is just a speed bump for you. Shut it down before you get too involved again. Don’t beat yourself up just go NC again. Pay attention to your emotions right now. You don’t want to feel this way. He can’t say the magic words to make you feel better. Take control and cut him off.
I like that analogy – just a speed bump. Love it.
You’re right – could easily start thinking too much again. I’ll shut it down xx thank you.
Hi HG, Would you consider doing an audible book? I would love to hear you narrate your books.
Hello Kim, it is in hand, it is a matter of having time to record the works, but they will happen. Everybody needs HG in their ears.
HG Tudor audibles. The Guaranteed Aural Satisfaction Series.
Cheeky acronym, I am watching you!!
Careful NA it is to close to the holidays to end up in the dungeon!