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The Breaking of Your No Contact

THE BREAKING OF YOUR NO CONTACT

“I have gone no contact but the narcissist keeps on texting me.”

That is not no contact.

“I have gone no contact but I keep seeing him driving past where I live”

That is not no contact.

” I have gone no contact but he keeps turning up at my house and we end up talking and it always ends in an argument.

That is not no contact.

 

I recently conducted one of my polls. I asked the question “How were you hoovered after ´no contact´?”. Notice that ´no contact´was in inverted commas? This was because although the label of no contact is used, it was not actually no contact.

I have published below the outcome of the poll :-

 

 

  • The narcissist text messaged me (16%, 170 Votes)
  • The narcissist telephoned me (11%, 115 Votes)
  • The narcissist e-mailed me (10%, 106 Votes)
  • The narcissist smeared me to others (9%, 91 Votes)
  • The narcissist contacted me through a friend, colleague, family member (either mine or theirs) (7%, 72 Votes)
  • The narcissist sent a message through social media (6%, 67 Votes)
  • The narcissist drove past a location where I was (home/work/mall) (6%, 58 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at my home (5%, 57 Votes)
  • The narcissist stood watching me from a distance (4%, 46 Votes)
  • The narcissist posted about me online and inferred it was directed at me (4%, 44 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at my work (4%, 39 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me outdoors (in the street, on the way to my car) (4%, 38 Votes)
  • The narcissist sent a gift (3%, 31 Votes)
  • The narcissist returned property (3%, 29 Votes)
  • The narcissist approached me at a social venue (bar, club, gym, pool etc) (3%, 28 Votes)
  • The narcissist wrote a physical letter to me (2%, 25 Votes)
  • The narcissist damaged my property (2%, 23 Votes)
  • The narcissist posted about me online and referenced me directly (1%, 15 Votes)

 

Look at the type of hoover which topped the poll.

The narcissist text messaged me

No wonder you received a hoover, you did not impose no contact. You either failed to block the narcissist´s telephone number so he was able to text message you and/or you failed to change your number so that even if you blocked the narcissist, he or she could text you from a different number.

Block or better still change your number.

 

The second highest vote was

The narcissist telephoned me

The same point re the text message hoover applies here. If the number was withheld so it got through, do not answer. Do not answer any call where the number is withheld. There is no need to answer it. A withheld number can only mean it is a narcissist trying to contact you or it is a telemarketing narcissist trying to sell you a conservatory or asking if you have recently suffered an accident which was not your fault. Nothing good will ever come of answering a withheld number.

 

The third highest vote was

The narcissist e-mailed me

Block the email address or change yours.

 

37% of hoovers arose from electronic means. I have warned you all before that maintaining any form of electronic conduit between you and the narcissist amounts to The Wrong No Contact.

Closing the electronic conduit is one of the easiest parts of imposing a no contact regime yet you fall prey to your emotional thinking and fail to do it. Examples of that emotional thinking include

“If I keep open the telephone route between us, he will be less likely to come around to my house.”

Not necessarily so. You may actually be encouraging him to come around to your house by providing fuel and lowering the hoover bar so the narcissist becomes bolder. Even if blocking the number forces the narcissist into attending on your property, guess what, we cannot walk through walls or doors. Do not answer the door to the narcissist.

 

“I have not blocked the number because I want to show I can resist his hoover.”

You do not need to show this at all. Apply GOSO. You are playing with emotional thinking and run the risk of it soaring when that text message hoover arrives (and it will) so that you are drawn into replying and then the vicious circle of engagement and increased emotional thinking begins.

 

“I want to collect evidence of what he is like.”

What for? If it is to prove to other people such as friends or family, forget it. You are just continuing a form of engagement and being held in the ensnarement for longer through emotional thinking. You know that this person is a narcissist, that is all you need to know. You do not need to prove this to anybody else.

If you need it for a court case ask yourself, do you really? Have you not already got the evidence because in all likelihood you will have? What are you trying to prove? You would be far better served obtaining independent evidence rather than being drawn into a prolonged ensnarement thinking you are evidence gathering.

 

“I need to be able to tell the narcissist how much she has hurt me and I feel safer doing so through a text message or e-mail.”

No you do not. You know the person is a narcissist. We do not care, you are just giving us fuel, you are just encouraging us to hoover you all the more, we will reject your attempt to pin accountability on us (this manifests as you trying to control us and we can never allow that to happen) and you will just get drawn into a war of electronic words which will fuel us, increase your risk of further hoovers,  make you feel any or all of angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/helpless and cause your emotional thinking to rise.

“I want to see how long it is before he leaves her and tries to get me back.”

You want a narcissist who has abused you to come back to you?

“The occasional text message doesn’t hurt and something, anything is better than nothing because I miss him.”

You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?

All of these are examples of emotional thinking. Emotional thinking is the Enemy Within. All it wants you to do is engage with the narcissist and feed your addiction, but as I explained in The Devil´s Pitchfork nothing good will ever come of interaction with us and one, two or three bad things WILL always happen.

The implementation of no contact is not easy but it is nowhere near as hard as you think it is or will be, your emotional thinking wants you shirking from it, it wants you leaving gaps, it wants you leaving the door ajar, the window wide open and the key in the lock.

Your emotional thinking has you giving the narcissist far more credit that he or she deserves. Your emotional thinking causes you to think that the narcissist operates through cunning calculation, ruthless rumination and scientific scheming. In the vast majority of cases this is not the case.

Yes, a Greater Narcissist will hound you into break down, destruction of a state of numb paralysis because the Greater and only the Greater has the malice and resources to do this. However, even this outcome will not always occur with the Greater. Why is that? It is because the Greater has so many options, so many schemes, devices, designs and becomes bored faster than any other narcissist that he or she will leave you be whilst these other options are pursued. Yes, you may well be winged or teetering on the brink of annihilation but more usually the Greater Narcissist will maul you in some way and then become focused on something else and then something else and you have the opportunity to make yourself scarce. Most importantly though with regard to the Greater Narcissist they are extremely rare and that means the vast majority of victims never meet one, let alone find themselves on the wrong side of one. Of course, your emotional thinking makes you think you have been ensnared by a Greater – how many times do we see on the blog people claim that they have been ensnared by a Greater and it is a honest mistake driven by inexperience, a lack of knowledge and the impact of emotional thinking – and it wants you thinking this so that you in effect give up and think there is no escape and thus you remain in the clutches of what is actually a Mid Range Narcissist instead.

The fact is nearly all narcissists are Lesser or Mid Range and it is those narcissists that you will be ensnared by. I do not dilute the horrific impact of ensnarement with those narcissists, not at all, but you must hold to the logic and not be swayed by the corrupting influences of emotional thinking.

The Lesser Narcissist is a wrecking ball. He is haphazard and lurches from one disaster to the next, whether this is falling out with a family member again, another new relationship or losing his job (if he had one to being with). If you make it hard for the Lesser to hoover you he has not option other than to leave you alone and look for someone else. He is like the burglar who will not attempt to rob the house with closed windows, locked doors, sensors and CCTV. He will move on to the next one with the open window. Lesser Narcissists are lazy, they want to achieve the Prime Aims and barely wish to lift a finger to do so.

The Mid Range Narcissist is not lazy but he or she wants the path of least resistance. Every narcissist wants to conserve energy and gain the maximum return for the minimum input. Mid Range Narcissists are cowards and they pick on those targets which are vulnerable and they appear less dangerous owing to the facade, the Pity Plays, The “I Can Change” Fallacy and the Trouble Nice Guy. This panders to your empathic traits which as ever are corrupted by your emotional thinking so that you end up making it easy for the Mid Range Narcissist to hoover you. You worry about him so you allow the emails to come through, you think you can fix her so you keep open a text communication or you decide that you want to be civil and remain friends. You are being conned by your emotional thinking and breaching no contact.

Only the Greater will embark on a campaign against you which is virtually impossible to resist but the chances of that happening to you are extremely low because

  1. Greaters are extremely rare , and
  2. Greaters play with you like a cat with a mouse and will then have other matters to address owing to the fullness of their lives and the extensive fuel matrices.

The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists are able to hoover because victims let them. The victims do not put in place effective no contact regimes. I have seen this time and time again and the poll above bears this out. The poll does not bear witness to the puppeteering master villain who has plotted long and hard to scale the mighty defences of the victim to effect a hoover, no, he picked up his phone and sent a text message.

Easy to do.

Just as easy to stop.

I guarantee that if you tell me how you have been hoovered, I will tell you how it could have been stopped and how it could have been stopped without too much effort. We need fuel. We absolutely need fuel and if we cannot get it from you, we HAVE to go and get it elsewhere, but because your emotional thinking making you make mistakes in your attempts at no contact, you are conned into never putting it in place in the first place and/or not maintaining it properly and you end up being hoovered.

You can stop the hoovers.

Two factors want to break your no contact.

Us, the narcissists.

You, through emotional thinking.

And more than you realise it is actually you that brings about the breaking of your no contact, but what that also means is that you can stop it.

I have the tools and you have to wield them and then and only then will you stop the breaking of your no contact and achieve freedom. You can do it.

The Way To GoSo (Get Out and Stay Out)

Zero Impact

Divorcing The Narcissist – What To Expect

How To Co-Parent With A Narcissist

How To Handle The Narcissist At Work

 

 

 

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106 Comments

  1. Hi HG,

    I am in no contact with narcissist – he blocked me, I blocked him. He blocked me when I found new boyfriend so it wounded him probably and he wanted to punish me. I am sure he also smeared my name to his friends, people he introduced me to when he was seducing me. His best friend, who is his flying monkey I guess was really nice and kind to me during our relationship but when we boke things off and he blocked me she stopped liking my posts and pictures on social media. That’s why I think he smeared me.

    But after 6 months suddenly she started liking my every picture. Everything I post she is the first to like it. It was really strange to me, I am still blocked by a narcissist but I did my resarch and found out he has a new partner (but she is quite vailed right now, he doesn’t flaunt her on the internet but I am sure he is in new relationship and the beginning of this relationship is exactly the same time when his friend started liking my posts again.) I haven’t liked any of her photos since our break up. And I don’t like her posts since she started liking mine again.

    Do you think it is his idea that his friend stopped her silent treatment on me? Did he want to bring my focus on him so I would do the research and find out he is dating? Should I block his friend or is she just trying to be friendly… I don’t get it.

    1. Hello Bluewave,

      1. Correct, you finding a new boyfriend will have wounded the narcissist.
      2. There does appear to be evidence that would support smearing, I agree.
      3. The narcissists friend might be a narcissist also, but is more likely part of The Coterie. The liking of your posts may well be a Hoover By Proxy. I need more information about the dynamic to provide you with a definitive answer and to that end I would recommend that you organise a consultation with me, email would be sufficient.

    2. Bluewave,
      I wanted to add the possibility that the friend is being placed on the shelf while he courts his new supply and is liking your posts again because she feels rejected/used by him in some way, preferred the attention she got when you were with him versus whatever is going on now with the new supply, etc. She may even feel badly for the way she treated you and is trying to make up for it. In any case, don’t take the bait! Listen to H.G. he seriously knows what the hell is up with these people.

  2. Quote of The Day: [I` haven’t identified a Greater yet. I’m still on the lookout! Wouldn’t it be fun if we had an app for that? Like the one where you find the Pokémon!`] ~~MB

    1. Right? I laughed so hard when I read it. Can imagine myriads of empaths running around Greater Manchester trying to capture HG (and failing, of course).

      1. Definitely not South East, the accent give aways are there, especially if you’ve lived in that area of the country. Your secret is safe with me HG.

          1. I experienced the same HG, at least in the US. It was hard growing up all over the place and changing schools and feeling like I had no identity.

  3. HG, you mention this in your opening text but do not discuss in the body: “I have gone no contact but I keep seeing him driving past where I live”

    How does one do NC in this case? Relocate? Don’t look out the window?

    This example has not been a concern of mine in my case. I am simply curious!

    1. Fair question.

      1. Stop looking out of the window.
      2. If you do happen to see the individual drive past, ignore it, do not act on any thoughts or feelings which arise from this sighting (your ET has just risen slightly and wants you to dwell on the matter “Why has he gone past” or “How I miss him” or “The fucker, he has better stop doing that, I am going to call him and tell him to back off.”

      1. I just happened to miss this, but I found it after I experienced the creepy driving past my house. I don’t look through the window often except for when my dog wants to devour his archenemy, the mailman. I just happened to be standing at the door right before walking my dog yesterday when I saw his car. This made me wonder if he had driven past my house before. I didn’t act upon it. I didn’t feel any desire to call him and ask him. I didn’t feel any desire to get back to the relationship. I just feel violated and I don’t want him stalking me. But I’ll do as you say: let it go and not give it any more thought. There’s still a feeling of creepiness crawling inside though.

      2. Hi HG i am currently in a relationship with a narc we also have a child. How can i get hold of your books? I really need help in dealing with him and how i can avoid my child being psychologically affected also

  4. ” guess what, we cannot walk through walls or doors.”

    So you are admitting your limits. Haha. HG, I was getting a pedicure earlier and I started reading Sex and The Narcissist. I have had it for a few months, but have just waited for the right time.

    It made me angry in moments but then soothed me in others. Your writing is very rich and succinct. I can notice a growth since Sitting Target.

    I have only read the intro. So there will be more to come. (Get it, come? Haha! Pun! OMG, it hurts, doesn’t it?)

  5. As ever you are wise. I initially had my ex-narc pegged as a Greater.
    2 months since I first discovered your blog and works HG, I’m now more convinced he’s an Elite Mid-Ranger.

    I’ll tell you what threw me off to begin with…
    As well as the obvious intelligence and ambition, it was the fact that he always seemed to know what he was doing.
    -He would talk about how he was keeping one person on his Friends list purely to anger and confuse that person’s spouse, even though both had (and I quote) “outlived their usefulness.”
    -He used to use a lot of phrases which suggested he knew what he was. Very stereotypically narc turns of phrase. H literally say things like “he/she is in the inner circle”, and “I feel nothing inside.”

    But despite all that, he seems to lack the final ingredient which would make him a Greater (as per your book Revenge, which was a fantastic read, by the way.)

    So it’s definitely an easy mistake to make.

    1. It is and well done for realising it.
      Victims have four problems with accurate identification :-

      1. Lack of expertise,
      2. Lack of objectivity,
      3. Imposition of own world view,
      4. Impact of emotional thinking.

      1. True, and I suppose stubbornness might come into it as well. Some people probably wouldn’t like admitting that they were wrong with their initial identification, and that you know best. Even empaths can be stubborn ;)

        1. In fairness TPOT, where people are incorrect and I point this out to them, they nearly always accept it because they understand the evidential basis on which I have explained it. Where there is stubbornness, it is a manifestation of ET. I agree with you however that some people do not like admitting that they were wrong, there are two people who spring to mind who insist they were with/are with Greater although it is evident to me, they were/are not. They have not undertaken NDCs however which is telling.

          1. Some could be down to monetary issues?

            I know I’d be doing all sorts of consultations and identifier checks and buying your books by the truck load if I didn’t have four kids to feed and Christmas coming up.

            I wouldn’t apply for the AA fund though, as there are others who require it far more than I do. I’ll just have to save up little by little.

            Perhaps I’m just projecting of course, but it stands to reason there may be others with similar circumstances.

            I’m glad most people put aside their ET and realise that you know what you’re talking about. The two who do not, well you never know, they could read these comments and click on now! (Or still continue to be stubborn. Que sera sera.)

          2. ThePolicyOf,
            HG is correct you should apply to the Angels Assistants Fund, people like you struggling to take care of your children and household finances are the ones this fund was created to help. No one deserves it more then anyone else does, everyone is important as is their story. Please rethink applying dear TPOT. 🤗

          3. There have been a few times when a reader has said they were with a greater and I doubted it because of the type of empath they are and comments made. Is it possible to get an accurate read on that just observing the empath and knowing nothing about the narc in question?

          4. In certain circumstances, this is discernible from the information and comments from the empath, yes.

          5. Thank you HG and FM1T

            I will consider it.

            I read the AAF backgrounds and they all seem more urgent than mine.

            Anybody with custody issues, or who are co-parenting with a narc, or who have violent narc partners and so on should definitely get priority rather than me.

            Like… I’d love advice, but I can wait. I’d feel bad if the more urgent cases were not dealt with first.

            Make sense?

            In the meantime I can put aside my pennies. As my dad always says “petit a petit l’oiseau fait son nid” (little by little the bird makes its nest.)

        2. hmmmm I’m bloody stubborn, but if I can see I’m wrong I will admit to it. I definitely thought mine was a greater in the beginning, based on the fact there was some smidge of awareness. Now I see that he was a mid who thought he was a greater and with a definite sadistic streak for sure as these types very often seem to have (If I’m correct in my thinking).

          Through my work I do believe I interact with a few greaters, although I leave a question mark over all of them it takes an awful lot of thinking to rule them in/out and so far I’ve only ever ruled out once it becomes apparent to me that they’re definitely mids. I do still have big question marks over the OS N and the Old Man N, both whom I know personally, plus a couple who sit on various boards whom I only know through work and have limited interaction which makes it much harder. If I were to hedge my bets I’d say the OS and OM are both greaters.

          That said I would never have had MJ down as a greater, not at all!

          I’m very much looking forward to your article on the mids who believe they’re greaters HG Tudor.

          1. I haven’t identified a Greater yet. I’m still on the lookout! Wouldn’t it be fun if we had an app for that? Like the one where you find the Pokémon!

          2. Oh my god that would literally be the coolest thing ever! Who would have more points though a lesser or a mid?

          3. I know right Alexis! Maybe HG has an app developer minion for this project.

            The Mids count for zero points because a. They are the most plentiful and b. they are fairly useless

            The Lessers count for three points and the Greaters for five. If you happen to encounter the only Ultra in existence, he crashes the app.

            But beware: any Victim you capture will take away one point!

          4. oooh only two points between a lesser and a greater hahaha love that so much!

            I would never, ever want to encounter the greater! I’d run like fuck!

            0 points for a mid – nice one! can we shoot the victim ones MB? hmmm actually can we send them to a desert island where they will be all alone with noone but the animals to listen to their pity plays

          5. Okay just Saw what I originally wrote! I get you hahha okay. I forgot I’d written about animals and thought you were referring to the VNs being animals

          6. Alex: Good Question: HG says some Midrangers are smarter than Greaters. I have no examples of this ocurrence to fall back on, though. So, how would we even know what we are looking at, if we find ourselves locating one of this mysterious type? And thus, how would we know what points we should be awarded? I guess, if in doubt, just tag it, but do not go near it! This would be a FUN game. I am in. Where is our Liza. She could help write the rules for this Pokemon Go style `Narcissist Go` game. Maybe we will be directed to locations where we will need rain boots and Wellies and snow boots and Hunters and galoshes and on and on. I will wear my new crocodile styled leather handbag, while I go out and about playing `Narcississt Go.` The possibilities are endless.

          7. ssshhhhh stop with the mention of handbags and all things non N. HG said he feeds a dog chocolate every time anything like this gets mentioned. Lets not say anything just in case he is telling the truth for once.

            You’re right PSE I’d forgotten that HG said some mids are more intelligent than greaters. so true. One mid I know, I’d consider him a cerebral but I know he would consider himself an elite (if he understood what an N was, well he does to a degree because he’s another of those that believes he’s a greater – hmm are there alot of those ones around or do they make a beeline for me?), he has a photographic memory, bores the shit out of people, believes he’s a 10/10 if only he lost a little weight – he’s about a 2/10 weight or no weight. He believes he is the ultimate seducer of women even gives other guys advice on the matter. He totally lacks any self awareness whatsoever. Everyone just laughs about him behind his back, I’ve never seen him successfully seduce anyone and when he fails he thinks its because he doesn’t have enough money to keep women happy.

            In contrast one person I suspect is very likely a greater, was in a high powered position, is of above average intelligence but not someone I would consider especially intelligent but he knows how to work/ manage people, he is sneaky and it is very well hidden indeed. He has an extensive fuel matrix and does not limit this to either gender – intimately speaking. He ticks all the boxes of an UGN he really does. It is all oh so subtle, he gathers information but without ‘digging’. Very dangerous when he wants to be.

          8. I’m catching up here. Yes he has said this is about the way intelligence manifests in so many words. I think the catch is that certain attributes apply more to one than the other. People get tripped up on this to being less or more than in value as a person. I personally find it increasingly difficult to be furious when my ex, is in essence, mentally retarded. (I’m not being cruel saying this or using the phrase as derogatory)
            I would have more anger toward a self-aware individual and this is no warm and fuzzy sentiment to someone identified as self aware. I personally have to view HG’s writing as useful examples and have zero desire to hear him discuss beyond what’s useful for educational purposes. It’s a very fine dividing line for my stomach. **I have no interest in the girlfriend chronicles he mentions periodically. (For example)
            My ex husband is now viewed as so impaired I could actually feel sorry for how pitiful his condition is if I weren’t aiming for nothingness. I’m really trying to view others in my life (past and present) similarly to de-personalize it.

          9. It’s so hard isn’t it. I feel some degree of compassion for those who do not even know they are doing it. That said if it was possible for them to have a lightbulb moment, the narcissim would still be there regardless. Somehow and this is probably pretty fucked up, I’d actually rather they know what they have done. Yes, that does mean they’re far more dangerous. I was never the IPPS, so I may well feel differently if I had been and if I had been to a greater, so I can only talk reference to what I have experience and understand etc from my very small glimpse into the world of an N. But the thought that they (the mids) largely believe they’re good people rather frustrates me. If you’re going to do something bad at least bloody recognise it as such.

          10. Alex: hmmmm….ok…. So, how about this. I like fishing and I have observed that certain fish basically gravitate towards certain bait. So, maybe we can be part of Narcississt Go teams, and compete with each other that way. With team captains selecting amongst empaths. Like The Draft in sports. Every empath will be given a random number. And then we look around and kick some tires, so to speak. First, we parade around empaths that will participate in Narcississt Go, at a large public event, and figure out what Narcissists` schools and cadres seek seek out what empaths. And then we pick empath members for our teams to fill in the gaps to identify Narcissists and their Schools and Cadres when we find a Narcissist during the actual contest, and thereby increase our potential points. For example, I know for a fact that lower Narcissists like me. They think I am smart. And, of course, they love when they can use what they see as my smarts to prevent them from getting into trouble, from getting them out of trouble, form softening for them their punishments from troubles, for acknowledging their troubles, and understanding their troubles and on and on. So, I am good bait for lesser Narcs. And then, for example, I would like Whitney on my team, because she says she is a magnet for Narcissist Psychopaths. Renarde seems to be a promising bait for Greaters, and on and on. Then we pick our teams, empath by empath, like a Draft, and then go on our Narcissist Go searches. May the best team both survive and win in our Narcissist Go contests. And remember, we must be very careful, because in Pokemon Go, some people, while playing, were not paying attention to this, that, and the other and have actually died, in real life. Nevertheless, let the Narcississt Go games begin Huzzah!

          11. oooh that sounds like alot of fun PSE!

            I haven’t identified a particular type of N who is interested in me. for some reason they all seem to think I’m game. What is interesting is that the lessers and the mids think I’m really dumb, I mean super dumb and they’re so patronising towards me (perhaps this is how they treat everyone or maybe that’s how I portray myself, either way I’m satisfied with that and find it hilarious), the greaters (if I’m correct and they are in fact greaters) recognise that I’m on the IQ score somewhere – god damn it!

          12. Alex: No worries. We will parade you around at that large public event all day if we have to, and you should just be yourself, because there will be undercover designated scouts there doing recon and they will observe what school and cadre of Narcissists act a bit `fueled up` whenever you are in their vicinity. And the scouts will then have an idea of your bait designation. And there you go. After which, there will be a scouted written report about you presented to the team captains for their information for the empath Draft, and to you of course, and if you are a team captain also, of course, and you will be armed by knowing your bait designation, and you will then be ready to go, as a team member or team captain, either way. Easy-peasy.

          13. okey doke, I’ll just present as I am and see what happens. I will be interested to find out

          14. Animals would do well to stay a mile away from humans that lack empathy. That may even be too close.

          15. My narc has two dogs but he plays favorites with them. One dog is the golden girl and the other one is the scapegoat. My dog never liked him; I should have listened to his instinct. I should have taught him “attack” actually… it might be too late?

          16. SP, awww I hate your ex as much as you do now! That’s horrible.

            When I observe people treating an animal or another person as the scapegoat I always try and even things out when I can. Even if my interaction with them is only brief.

          17. SP, Glad you kicked that DLS to the curb. If your dog did not like him, that pretty much says it all. My dog is a superb judge of character even from a 100 paces away.

          18. True! My dog likes everybody but the mailman so it should have been a super bright red flag! I call him my DLS because HG told me I was an IPSS to him (my narc) so I want to reciprocate with a less significant category for him. I am in a state of alert this weekend as he is in town. Hopefully the cold weather will stop him from getting out because I want to go out tonight without any narc encounters… I managed to seduce my husband last night to stay in. We had a great time though.

          19. So happy for you Sweet P. Maybe you guys can enjoy a little get away and the seduction can continue? I wouldn’t count on the cold keeping a narcissist away, they lack genuine warmth year-round.

          20. No! I want to go out! I’m getting cabin fever and I don’t want to turn into a brown recluse just because that idiot is out there. If I run into him, I’ll pretend I didn’t see him, and if he talks to me I’ll pretend something interrupted: “oh sorry I gotta take this super important call from my personal priest /oh look behind you! Is that an UFO landing? /OMH how embarrassing I think I just got a sudden diarrhea attack, excuse meee.”

          21. Ha ha, SP. I didn’t say you had to stay indoors or even stay in town for that matter (something tropical?). But, you are right, the best defense is Zero fuel and Zero Impact. Lock down your mindset. No fuel leakage permitted. He is persona non grata and irrelevant.

          22. I love the persona non grata category. I always remember a quote by HG: “the narcissist declared you persona non grata; return the favor.”

    2. At one point I thought I might have known a Greater but he too I believe was an UMR Elitist. My reasons for thinking this was his high intelligence and ability to have people in all corners who would benefit him. He admitted that he was a ‘hedonist’ and that he lived for his own pleasures without the obligation of others,

      He admitted to getting rid of his wardrobe every 2 yrs to the latest fashion and he managed to find others who would worship him and idolize him. That’s a whole other story. He deliberately moved to an Asian country so he would stand out, being white, blonde, green eyes and 6’3″.

      He just seemed to have a lot of power in how he was able to sway things in his favor and also there was a coldness to him, a shallow callousness that left me feeling empty when I would speak to him.

      Inevitably we had a falling out when I disagreed with him on some matters, I challenged him on his opinions that I felt he formulated to suit only him. I remember during that time thinking that he reminded me of the Middle Mid Ranger in some ways, but the Middle Mid Ranger believed he was a good person and I don’t think this UMR cared enough either way (at least on the outside, though were you to criticize him he would be done with you in an instant).

      I can’t see a Greater ever admitting those things. Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton certainly would not.

        1. WhoCares:

          Yes! I’m sure it’s very interesting. Without having read it I would assume we get revenge by blocking them and depriving them of fuel.

          Do you know what is the final ingredient that would make them a greater? I don’t understand the schools of narcissists currently, so I need to read more. There must be an article that will explain it.

          For instance, do you know, what makes the different schools? The degree of narcissism? Their intelligence or status in life? For example, is it possible to have a greater narcissist who is a Walmart greeter? (no offense to Walmart greeters), or would they more likely have a high status career?

          1. Self awareness is the big distinction. My ex’s father hobnob’d with Reagan. I can see where the confusion rests. MIT grad and senior executive but at the end of the day he thought he was a nice person. I think there are many more mid to lower mids.

          2. Dear Lorelei:

            Thanks for your reply. I did forget about self awareness.

            So do you think it’s possible to have a greater narcissist in a low level job like a Walmart greeter? Or do you believe they would have greater intelligence and ambition and therefore would naturally be more successful?

            I am suddenly very suspicious of Walmart greeters.

          3. Walmart is the new Hotel California. It actually wouldn’t be a bad job. Would beat fast food as far as getting greasy. I was a waitress briefly. Shoney’s and Chi Chi’s. It was fun.

          4. Lorelei:

            I don’t think any job should necessarily be viewed as a ‘bad job’ when one needs to be working. All jobs should be viewed as stepping stones to something more, assuming one has the ambition to pursue more. I just used that job in my example with regard to my question about greater narcissists.

            I never worked in fast food, as a waitress, or retail. I’m glad you thought it was fun, unless you were being sarcastic, I can’t tell!

          5. Hi njfilly,

            Yes! I’m sure it’s very interesting. Without having read it I would assume we get revenge by blocking them and depriving them of fuel.

            So much more than that!

            It was good to read. However, I personally could do none of the steps explained. I speak, act and think without much thought or motivation other than direct response.

            If something involves planning or plotting, I’m out!

            I can barely remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone masterminding anything by way of vengeance.

            If you are extraordinarily motivated at seeking to cause distress, then it’s probably a winner!

            However, I still felt very tough reading it! I found myself wishing that I could be capable of evening the battlefield. But then, I remember that I was never playing on a battlefield in the first place. It was his stage and he can play there for all time, without me.

          6. Dear Soon to be Sparkling:

            Thank you for your reply.

            So the book is more than just going no contact but involves masterminding a plan against them? Wow! I must read this!

          1. Please bring on the audio versions……I personally promise to repurchase all your works if you do so!

            I like to listen to audio books when I drive to work and back, as it’s long distance and it’s private time for myself.

            Wouldn’t it be great to be filling our heads with the voice of reason as often as possible?

            Talk about infiltration!!

  6. “You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?“

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Never again. A brilliant reminder of why sustaining any kind of relationship/contact with a narcissist is just not worth it. Over and out.

    I seriously don’t know how to thank you for the incredibly useful work that you do, HG. Wait, I know how. Monetarily. I’ll continue purchasing your services.

Vent Your Spleen!

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