“I have gone no contact but the narcissist keeps on texting me.”
That is not no contact.
“I have gone no contact but I keep seeing him driving past where I live”
That is not no contact.
” I have gone no contact but he keeps turning up at my house and we end up talking and it always ends in an argument.
That is not no contact.
I recently conducted one of my polls. I asked the question “How were you hoovered after ´no contact´?”. Notice that ´no contact´was in inverted commas? This was because although the label of no contact is used, it was not actually no contact.
I have published below the outcome of the poll :-
- The narcissist text messaged me (16%, 170 Votes)
- The narcissist telephoned me (11%, 115 Votes)
- The narcissist e-mailed me (10%, 106 Votes)
- The narcissist smeared me to others (9%, 91 Votes)
- The narcissist contacted me through a friend, colleague, family member (either mine or theirs) (7%, 72 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a message through social media (6%, 67 Votes)
- The narcissist drove past a location where I was (home/work/mall) (6%, 58 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my home (5%, 57 Votes)
- The narcissist stood watching me from a distance (4%, 46 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and inferred it was directed at me (4%, 44 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at my work (4%, 39 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me outdoors (in the street, on the way to my car) (4%, 38 Votes)
- The narcissist sent a gift (3%, 31 Votes)
- The narcissist returned property (3%, 29 Votes)
- The narcissist approached me at a social venue (bar, club, gym, pool etc) (3%, 28 Votes)
- The narcissist wrote a physical letter to me (2%, 25 Votes)
- The narcissist damaged my property (2%, 23 Votes)
- The narcissist posted about me online and referenced me directly (1%, 15 Votes)
Look at the type of hoover which topped the poll.
The narcissist text messaged me
No wonder you received a hoover, you did not impose no contact. You either failed to block the narcissist´s telephone number so he was able to text message you and/or you failed to change your number so that even if you blocked the narcissist, he or she could text you from a different number.
Block or better still change your number.
The second highest vote was
The narcissist telephoned me
The same point re the text message hoover applies here. If the number was withheld so it got through, do not answer. Do not answer any call where the number is withheld. There is no need to answer it. A withheld number can only mean it is a narcissist trying to contact you or it is a telemarketing narcissist trying to sell you a conservatory or asking if you have recently suffered an accident which was not your fault. Nothing good will ever come of answering a withheld number.
The third highest vote was
The narcissist e-mailed me
Block the email address or change yours.
37% of hoovers arose from electronic means. I have warned you all before that maintaining any form of electronic conduit between you and the narcissist amounts to The Wrong No Contact.
Closing the electronic conduit is one of the easiest parts of imposing a no contact regime yet you fall prey to your emotional thinking and fail to do it. Examples of that emotional thinking include
“If I keep open the telephone route between us, he will be less likely to come around to my house.”
Not necessarily so. You may actually be encouraging him to come around to your house by providing fuel and lowering the hoover bar so the narcissist becomes bolder. Even if blocking the number forces the narcissist into attending on your property, guess what, we cannot walk through walls or doors. Do not answer the door to the narcissist.
“I have not blocked the number because I want to show I can resist his hoover.”
You do not need to show this at all. Apply GOSO. You are playing with emotional thinking and run the risk of it soaring when that text message hoover arrives (and it will) so that you are drawn into replying and then the vicious circle of engagement and increased emotional thinking begins.
“I want to collect evidence of what he is like.”
What for? If it is to prove to other people such as friends or family, forget it. You are just continuing a form of engagement and being held in the ensnarement for longer through emotional thinking. You know that this person is a narcissist, that is all you need to know. You do not need to prove this to anybody else.
If you need it for a court case ask yourself, do you really? Have you not already got the evidence because in all likelihood you will have? What are you trying to prove? You would be far better served obtaining independent evidence rather than being drawn into a prolonged ensnarement thinking you are evidence gathering.
“I need to be able to tell the narcissist how much she has hurt me and I feel safer doing so through a text message or e-mail.”
No you do not. You know the person is a narcissist. We do not care, you are just giving us fuel, you are just encouraging us to hoover you all the more, we will reject your attempt to pin accountability on us (this manifests as you trying to control us and we can never allow that to happen) and you will just get drawn into a war of electronic words which will fuel us, increase your risk of further hoovers, make you feel any or all of angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/helpless and cause your emotional thinking to rise.
“I want to see how long it is before he leaves her and tries to get me back.”
You want a narcissist who has abused you to come back to you?
“The occasional text message doesn’t hurt and something, anything is better than nothing because I miss him.”
You miss being left on the shelf, you miss being made to feel second best, you miss never knowing if you will be contacted or not, you miss the agony of wondering if he is with his wife, you miss feeling upset because the promised text never arrived, you miss getting angry because he insulted you again, you miss the frustration as he failed to text you yet you knew he was at home watching the game because his Facebook post said as such?
All of these are examples of emotional thinking. Emotional thinking is the Enemy Within. All it wants you to do is engage with the narcissist and feed your addiction, but as I explained in The Devil´s Pitchfork nothing good will ever come of interaction with us and one, two or three bad things WILL always happen.
The implementation of no contact is not easy but it is nowhere near as hard as you think it is or will be, your emotional thinking wants you shirking from it, it wants you leaving gaps, it wants you leaving the door ajar, the window wide open and the key in the lock.
Your emotional thinking has you giving the narcissist far more credit that he or she deserves. Your emotional thinking causes you to think that the narcissist operates through cunning calculation, ruthless rumination and scientific scheming. In the vast majority of cases this is not the case.
Yes, a Greater Narcissist will hound you into break down, destruction of a state of numb paralysis because the Greater and only the Greater has the malice and resources to do this. However, even this outcome will not always occur with the Greater. Why is that? It is because the Greater has so many options, so many schemes, devices, designs and becomes bored faster than any other narcissist that he or she will leave you be whilst these other options are pursued. Yes, you may well be winged or teetering on the brink of annihilation but more usually the Greater Narcissist will maul you in some way and then become focused on something else and then something else and you have the opportunity to make yourself scarce. Most importantly though with regard to the Greater Narcissist they are extremely rare and that means the vast majority of victims never meet one, let alone find themselves on the wrong side of one. Of course, your emotional thinking makes you think you have been ensnared by a Greater – how many times do we see on the blog people claim that they have been ensnared by a Greater and it is a honest mistake driven by inexperience, a lack of knowledge and the impact of emotional thinking – and it wants you thinking this so that you in effect give up and think there is no escape and thus you remain in the clutches of what is actually a Mid Range Narcissist instead.
The fact is nearly all narcissists are Lesser or Mid Range and it is those narcissists that you will be ensnared by. I do not dilute the horrific impact of ensnarement with those narcissists, not at all, but you must hold to the logic and not be swayed by the corrupting influences of emotional thinking.
The Lesser Narcissist is a wrecking ball. He is haphazard and lurches from one disaster to the next, whether this is falling out with a family member again, another new relationship or losing his job (if he had one to being with). If you make it hard for the Lesser to hoover you he has not option other than to leave you alone and look for someone else. He is like the burglar who will not attempt to rob the house with closed windows, locked doors, sensors and CCTV. He will move on to the next one with the open window. Lesser Narcissists are lazy, they want to achieve the Prime Aims and barely wish to lift a finger to do so.
The Mid Range Narcissist is not lazy but he or she wants the path of least resistance. Every narcissist wants to conserve energy and gain the maximum return for the minimum input. Mid Range Narcissists are cowards and they pick on those targets which are vulnerable and they appear less dangerous owing to the facade, the Pity Plays, The “I Can Change” Fallacy and the Trouble Nice Guy. This panders to your empathic traits which as ever are corrupted by your emotional thinking so that you end up making it easy for the Mid Range Narcissist to hoover you. You worry about him so you allow the emails to come through, you think you can fix her so you keep open a text communication or you decide that you want to be civil and remain friends. You are being conned by your emotional thinking and breaching no contact.
Only the Greater will embark on a campaign against you which is virtually impossible to resist but the chances of that happening to you are extremely low because
- Greaters are extremely rare , and
- Greaters play with you like a cat with a mouse and will then have other matters to address owing to the fullness of their lives and the extensive fuel matrices.
The Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists are able to hoover because victims let them. The victims do not put in place effective no contact regimes. I have seen this time and time again and the poll above bears this out. The poll does not bear witness to the puppeteering master villain who has plotted long and hard to scale the mighty defences of the victim to effect a hoover, no, he picked up his phone and sent a text message.
Easy to do.
Just as easy to stop.
I guarantee that if you tell me how you have been hoovered, I will tell you how it could have been stopped and how it could have been stopped without too much effort. We need fuel. We absolutely need fuel and if we cannot get it from you, we HAVE to go and get it elsewhere, but because your emotional thinking making you make mistakes in your attempts at no contact, you are conned into never putting it in place in the first place and/or not maintaining it properly and you end up being hoovered.
You can stop the hoovers.
Two factors want to break your no contact.
Us, the narcissists.
You, through emotional thinking.
And more than you realise it is actually you that brings about the breaking of your no contact, but what that also means is that you can stop it.
I have the tools and you have to wield them and then and only then will you stop the breaking of your no contact and achieve freedom. You can do it.